Hello from a child-free girl...

[goldilockz]

Hi everyone,

I hope you don't mind me becoming a member of your forums, I must admit I'm rather nervous to be doing so and hope you'll have the patience to read my post through to the end. Briefly, I'm a 26 year old from Scotland who has no children and doesn't want any children (please don't let this put you off!) This was never an issue for me until my long-term boyfriend and I started discussing having children last year. He thinks he wants children while I have never experienced the elusive maternal urge or ticking of the biological clock. While I initially thought that adopting would be a reasonable compromise, I soon came to my senses and realised that a person should not be a compromise and that someone who doesn't want children shouldn't have them when her only reason for doing so would be to maintain her relationship. I discussed this with a few friends, some of whome knew where I was coming from, others who were a bit less accepting of the fact I'm unlikely to change my mind, saying that I've been given a womb for a reason, that my clock will start ticking etc. While I acknowledge that this is a possibility, I know that it's highly unlikely.

My reason for posting is that, since that 'chat' with my boyfriend which obviously caused us both a lot of distress as, lets face it, disagreeing about having children is a deal-breaker, I have become more and more aware of my 'child-free' status and ever more aware of the divisions between women who don't have or want children and women that do. This, admittedly, is something that concerns me. I don't like the idea of going through life judging other people because their decision differs from mine, nor do I want to be defensive and, while I have found websites such as thechildfreelife.com to be helpful, I also think they make one identify more with a child-free persona and being child-free is only a small part of who I am. My reasons for joining this forum is to integrate myself more with people who are not child-free, hopefully make a few friends and perhaps learn something from one another. I don't want to go through life being defensive about not having children or feel I have to justify my choice. I don't want to be labelled as being 'child-free' or the like, but I have noticed that this is something I identify myself with more and more and this upsets me. OK, enough of my waffling. I hope what I've said has made some sense and that I've not offended anyone in the process, as that is completely the opposite of why I'm here. I'm shaking as I write this because I'm very aware of the disparity between women who have children and those who don't and am envisaging a backlash! I hope that doesn't happen and I'm looking forward to your replies.

Goldi xx

She mentions the child free forum and I thought it was the one where pregnant women are called Cunt maggot carriers, do I checked....not that site but OP is there moaning about her responses.....saying we've bingoed her.

She clearly then, has other problems than just her boyfriend wanting children.

How odd.

I don't think you should jump to pigeon-hole yourself so young - maternal, non-maternal, parent or childfree. It's of no interest or concern to anyone else but yourself and whoever your current partner may be.

As intelligent, reflective adults, we all make choices throughout our life, and these choices are, and should be, constantly under review. Many, many people, in fact maybe a majority of people, don't want children at your age. Some change their minds, and some don't. No big deal either way, really.

X-posting - there are some very strange people around!

i think it's fine not to want kids. don't think it's anyone's business really. i wouldn't judge you. i have a few friends who always knew they didn't want kids. each to their own.

what does bingoed mean - is she playing "you will want children one day" bingo?
(sorry for being a bit dim, I'm a bit cross)

Child free people with substitute pets always make me laugh though, although I've never understood people that treat animals like children.

That is a slightly unfair comment though because you dont know if some of those people desperately did want children but were unable to have them..

For some, a pet to love and care for IS the only option not a substitution.

Obviously not those with ttc issues. Those that don't like children and talk about their pets as if it is similar to your relationship with kids.

I have no.idea what bingoed is but I'm guessing it's either trotting out same old responses to cf issues.

Well, either way, it is pretty uninteresting. I dont feel even half tempted to go and see what she is saying. Each to their own.

Post from Golidlockz on The Childfree Life

"ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

Ok, I feel better now. Here's the thing...I noticed that, as I have come to identify myself as being CF and spent more time on the forums over the past year or so, I have developed this kind of defensive attitude and am becoming more and more judgemental of mothers, especially those with multiple (loud) children. I am not happy with this as I don't want to live my life judging others and being negative towards the vast majority of womankind. So, I decided to ingraciate myself with mothers and try to understand a bit more about them: why they have children, why they have biological children as opposed to adopting, why many mothers are so ignorant about child-free people (particularly women). So, I thought where better to post than Mumsnet? I wrote a long, and very kind post about my status: that I am childfree but that I acknowledge the possibility that my mind may change (between you and me, there's no way in hell my mind will change but I thought saying this might get their backs up). I also said I was sad about the apparent segregation of mothers and childfree women and wanted to gain an understanding of mothers and perhaps make a few friends. Apparently, I was being overly optimistic. So far, I have received 3 replies. The first, and perhaps the best, told me never to say never. That, at my age the poster was sure she didn't want children and now, at 42, she is desperately trying to conceive. I wanted to shout 'that's you! not me!!' The thought of having children can only be compared to hell to me and never in my 26 years have I had the slightest urge to procreate. I know myself well enough to know that this is NOT going to change. In fact, the mere possibility that this will change makes me very anxious. The second said the more pressing issue why WHY I didn't want to have children. I told her, quite bluntly, that I did not feel the need to justify my choice to anyone (yay me). The third said I was too young to know for sure and that I should be aware that my fertility will 'fall off a cliff' by the age of 35 as if this was a big opportunity which I was running away from. She also said that she'd been in a shit relationship with someone and when she met her dream man, her opinion changed. I really didn't like the implication that I wasn't with my 'dream man', as I am with the love of my life and the fact that we may one day have to separate because of this difference of opinions really upsets me.

So, what resulted from my attempt at uniting mothers and CF women was a barage of bingoes and 'but you might change your mind'. I really wanted to shout explitives at those narrow-minded people. I actually found a thread where they were discussing these forums. One person said that people on here are so angry and negative. Another replied that there is something about the inability to have children that makes people full of hatred. Nooo, there is something about such horrible, narrow-mindedness that makes people full of hatred. Anyway, apologies but I really had to share that with people who understand. Never say never but....I will NEVER have children!!! Oh my God, does that mean I'm going to hell?!?"

Goodness, I've just read her thread on the other forum. She implied she got a hostile reception and all the other posters took that up and ran with it. Silly girl.

what a sad woman.

How strange that she does not engage with any of us past her first few posts, and goes off to rant about us on a different forum.

Ah well. It is her life.

I dont feel that she is a troll, only a bit immature.

Dozy mare. Ah well, I really can't see what she was hoping to achieve by posting what she did on a parenting forum but I'm guessing she won't be back - nae loss.

Dear me. Looks like Goldilockz is being a tad disingenuous.

I had a look at one of these sites and was aghast at the way they refer to mothers (mombies, moothers) and children (crotchfruit was particularly loathsome). I've never come across any derogatory terms on MN for those who have decided not to have children, so I wonder where the OP gets the idea that we are narrow-minded, or that her lot aren't angry and negative. And if the OP thinks that the replies on here were strong (which, all things considered, I don't think they were), she should have trotted over to AIBU.

Oh dear

Personally, I'm not sure I want kids, but I've never felt the need to whitter on so much about it

I've got loads of mates who do have kids, I don't think parents are 'ignorant about child-free people'. People are people, they aren't solely defined by whether or not they have kids

Self-obsessed springs to mind....

And she's right about being defensive - often goes hand in hand with being aggressive!

How strange, another post from her on that topic, I don't think either of these replies exists?

One person on the Mumsnet forums said that CF people weren't welcome and questionned why they'd go on such a forum. One response was from a woman who'd had a miscarriage and was trying for another baby.

'Nooo, there is something about such horrible, narrow-mindedness that makes people full of hatred.'

Good job you aren't having children Golidlockz.

"I have nothing to learn from someone who doesn't have children or want any"

What the actual fuck?

Ah, Goldilocks. There is a simple answer to your problem.

When I was your age, like many others who have already posted, and indeed yourself, I definitely, absolutely did NOT want children. I didn't like them, I was married to a man who also didn't want them, I made my views known publicly and forcefully as to why I would never have them.

However, I had a friend at work, who said "If you don't want kids, why don't you just get sterilised right now?" Of course, the obvious answer! No-one would question you, no-one would try and tell you you'll change your mind, you couldn't get involved with someone who wanted kids - the perfect solution. You'll probably find it hard to get done though, because of your age, but I'm sure the child free forums you frequent have advice on how to approach this.

(BTW, the sterilisation question brought me up sharp - my eyes were opened; I started to realise I shouldn't be with my H, and actually didn't want to have kids with him because I didn't love him; fell in love with my friend and we now have two lovely children who have brought both problems and obstacles but tremendous joy into our lives) :)

Wow that girls a freak, she needs to get a life.

Tobylerone - if you read Quintessential's post, she explains it better at the bottom - most of us have "been there, done that" with the child-free situation already - and therefore have our own life experience of it, so we don't need lessons in it from someone else. I'm assuming that is what Posie meant. It's how I read it anyway.

That in no way means that one has 'nothing to learn' from someone who has chosen not to have children. It's that sort of phrase, and that sort of attitude, which fuels the 'mombie' comments on the child-free forums. Sometimes those comments/names don't seem to be too far off the mark.

FWIW, I have two children. 'J & E's mum' is a very tiny part of my personality.

God this girl has fucking annoyed me! I have only just started posting on MN after lurking reading every free minute for ages. I also don't want children, but as someone who works with them, and loves them, I like to know how mums feel about things and wanted to see what parenting was really like. I even find myself trawling through BF and weaning problems and have nothing but admiration for you all as I just could not do it. I love this site and the chance to hear so many womens voices.

This person gives a bad name to women who don't want children. I just looked at the childfree life site and some of the things they say are disgusting. Like someone said before, MN does'nt have awful names for child free women. I hope goldilokz reads this with embarrassment now she has been rumbled but I'm guessing not! Never under estimate MNetters silly girl.