Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.2

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Morning

Starting glad you have cleared the air with xh about sunday , well done on working hard at college

Patience my brother said he thought my relationship with my xh was a form of Stockholm Syndrome !!

Well I have done the email I have been putting off big time to xh regarding him coming and taking his remaining posessions and how we will divide our joint contents , sort out the loft etc. I also said if his offer to proceed with our actual divorce on the grounds of his adultery and that if we did he would pay still stood then I was happy to accept. When he put this offer to me back in November I told him to get lost and that as he left he could divorce me and why should I make it easy for him. I regret this now as actually what does it matter who divorces who and why and if it will save me money why not. Also part of my thinking then was well come on then lets hear the 2 reasons you are obliged to provide about why you left me , what was it that was so bad. I think when it comes to it he knows his reasons are somewhat intangible and so its much easier if I do it. It will interesting to see what he comes back with.

I am dreading this bit especially things like what happens to the lovely framed family photos ? Oh well its all got to be doen once and then its over I suppose.

Anyway I am freezing cold, yet another vile cold grey day grrr so off to get coffee

Have a nice day everyone

Hi all, I've been having a weird time and emotional. Had a little lurk but need to do some work, ...it rymes !

Well done on everything Getting, it's very exiting

I've just posted in 'chat' about my ds at the gym being surrounded by horried old willies and ball sacks.

BIG YUK

I was never happy with the way he treated me getting,I just wanted his attention.he always lacked affection,empathy etc.very much a narc,good looking,sexy guy.I was locked in because one day I thought he would be the real deal.he was never going to be the real deal with me .I have to accept that and move on.the most emotional he ever got was talking about himself in victim mode.I'm just withdrawing from the adrenaline now ,its a crucial part of my healing but very boring.
Good luck with ur email.
Waves to everyone.

Getting, you're on the home strait now . All positive stuff really. New beginnings and all that. Agree about the divorce grounds. Who cares, just do it as cheaply and easily as possible if there's nothing to argue about. I'm sure any half decent solicitor could cook up unreasonable behaviour grounds for virtually anyone, though. But if he's willing to admit adultery then go for it. Nobody will ever need to know the grounds unless you tell them. I divorced my first husband on the grounds of his adultery but we had already split up so it was academic. I always tell people who ask that it was a mutual split and I would never discuss it with our dd and ds.

Patience, don't be so sure that your ex is ahead of you in emotional terms. I said the same to XP but in terms of recovery I am actually miles in front of him and I am sure you will be similarly placed because you have faced the painful truth and dealt with it. He's not even facing the right way to start looking for the truth.

Pink, sorry you're feeling low. I was down yesterday but too busy to post and it's passed now. Hope you feel better soon.

I've decided I need to remove XP from the childcare equation as he is at risk of becoming unreliable and I would like his time with ds to my be child free time. I think I will ask dd to be my au pair in return for living rent free in the flat I helped her buy. Lightbulb moment! Why didn't I think of it before !

Great uve have a plan re childcare et.
I agree re X s emotional non development ,I just think he has def "moved on" from me for a long time,prob since I stopped being rescuer.buty at least I'm a few chapters down the line of the rebuild ,he hasn't even picked up the book.too busy shagging LOL.
Got some mad geordie coming over at the weekend ,away to tidy the flat LOL x

Thanks Elsie and Pink

It doesnt feel very positive tbh , yet again I open my email inbox with trepidation and a sick feeling. I just wish I could avoid this bit because it isnt business its emotion. All the trappings and posessions we built up together , presents to each other , to us both from people etc etc. I know he will be aloof from that and I anticipate lots of "I couldnt care less you have it" about items I attached emotional import to. I will just have to deal with and be positive that he wont be grabbing about it I suppose.

Anyway hes agreed to the divorce bit , no surprise there.

My Mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow which I think is good timing as she is very good at supporting me.

Elsie like the childcare plan

Pink glad you are keeping up and I hope you are ok ?

Mumfun hope things are ok

Patience I bet that will be some weekend

Waves to everyone and I hope quiet dumplings are doing ok , it can all get on top of you at times

Getting do u have to give him anything.I didn't give my X anything.unless he asks for stuff I would pack what I want and give him an offer of the rest.when I moved I had a radical clear out.it was cleansing.I concentrate on the spiritual now rather than material.I wouldn't be worried about doing the right thing,I went for "if ur not fast ur last technique"
Tried to sell my engagement ring today was offered a third of the value ,GULP bloke said easier if someone actually wants the ring rather than selling it for scrap.

Go onto my thread if you want a laugh. It wasn't supposed to be funny but it's evolved into a light hearted laugh. It's on 'chat'.

Going out now. back later. xxx

Dd just called Ds a pee poop .
Worst thing she could think of .

Ok feel like I am walking thru a door just now that has just opened and the other one is beginning to close behind me ,anyone else felt this ?

Pink was swimming today and looked at the hair driers and had a giggle.

Yes, I feel like that too Patience. It's quite good.
My two talk a lot about poo. And little one thinks the word underpants is bloody hilarious!
Booking trian tickets tonight - woo hoo!
Pink - haven't read your thread yet but saw the title and although that must have been awful for ds, the title alone conjured up some hilarious mental images! How long were his pubes for heaven's sake?!

Pink, I haven't looked at your thread but it sounds intriguing...

Getting, I know what you mean about joint chattels. XP has asked for precisely nothing. I'm a bit offended actually . For those with OW still on the scene it would hardly be appropriate for XH to beg for the wedding album so I guess thaey have their own agendas to deal with. Me? I'm on my ownsome so anything I don't want will go in the bin

Envious of the Scottish/borders meet up. Have fun. Seems like Everyone is either up north or down south and I'm piggy in the middle .

ExH has had to pull out of coming to Scotland, as he's been offered some extra hours of door work and he needs the money. Feeling very emotional tonight about it all, as I find his mum so difficult and going up there on my own and not having any back up when MIL tries to undermine me etc is making my blood pressure rise All my original worries on my old thread are coming to the surface again.

Oh, Tea, I missed the bit about your XH going with you. I knew you were going but thought it was just you and dc. I'll read your link now x

Tea, I've read most of your op on the link (but not the replies) and I would say: ask your in-laws to pay for flights from London-Aberdeen then they pick you up from airport. Then, you have a week of switching off from the dc and let them get on with it. Montrose is on the coast, isn't it? Lots of lovely walks then home for a long soak in the bath while they entertain and enjoy being with dc. This is not about what you can do for them but what they can do for you xxx

So sorry you are feeling bad Tea. I totally agree with Elsie. Let them take the reins and step back, try and relax and have some me time if that's at all possible. One week of in law absurdity on the rules front (although I realise you might have to draw the line at times) will not harm your little ones. I know this is much easier said than done. I couldn't be with my exmil for an hour, let alone a week. Remember, you are in control and you can always cut back on the amount of time you go or not go at all x

And having read your original post I would also agree with ET - they must pay for flights if they want you to visit. 9 hours in a car with 2 very young dc is the outer circle of hell with bells on love. Don't even think about doing it.

I suppose I see this a bit different cos my inlaws would never phone me ever and X won't take them there and if nobody mentions it apparently its normal.u have nothing to fear but fear itself.u have a dumpling posse as back up .if u drive do it at night and if u accomplish that journey u can handle anything.just don't lie,tell her how it is.flying sounds xciting.

Evening everyone
Have been reading recently but am so tired have not had any coherent thoughts to post
Am off to be sterilised(sp) tomorrow, has been a nightmare trying to organise lifts(i dont drive) someone to look after DC and take them to and from school ect but have finally managed it, unfortunately am having to rely on DM quite heavily, X was meant to do it all when i origionally asked him back in december but of course thats not happening now, although when i thought i wasnt going to be able to get to the hospital i did think about ringing him and asking if he would do me a favour and then i would do him one but am so glad that i didnt need to do that in the end dont like the thought i may need him for anything tbh, will post tomorrow evening to let you all know i'm ok
Hope everyone's doing well and you all have a good day tomorrow

Big hugs to u sov thinking of ya tomorrow x
Thinking of u happy hope today was cool x

Good luck tomorrow Sov.

Hopefully all the stuff with Ds will be finalised in meeting tomorrow. Unfortunately he has not complied with one of the requests so not sure how it will go.

Hope you are ok Pink and Mumfun.

Waves and hugs to all x.

Good luck Sov hope it goes ok

Happy same for you and ds

Pink read your thread on chat last night - cracking

Well last night after xh collected the dc I had a mini meltdown. I sent xh an email thats been inside me for the last 7 months but I have resisted sending. It wasnt overly emotional but is a delayed reaction to a lot of stuff and I think he will be wondering why send me this now ? He may not respond at all but if he does its certain to upset me whether its kind or angry. At the moment I dont regret sending it ...

Part of me regrets not going ahead with the divorce when he raised it in November because it would mean that when I move everything would be done and dusted.

I think maybe as well as having a house clearout I am having an emotional one too . Rachel told me to go easy on myself as moving house and divorce are both meant to be high on the stressometer and I am doing both. Its so weird though to be revisiting the anxiety and rejection feelings again, keep thinking I have left them behind forever and then they pop up !

Anyway been awake since 4.30am so will get lots done today hopefully before Mum arrives

Have a good day everyone

sov-hope it all goes well today

Having friends round this morning ,then away for a flirt this afternoon.
woken by a big furry Santa dog singing jingle bells this morning.
everytime I think of X and gf I say "I've done the pain ,I've done the tears ,now its all about me" I think now I'm single I'm just impatient to get out there LOL ,
happy big hugs 2 day,waves to sov x

Happy, thinking of you and ds.
Sov, hope you have a quick recovery from the op.
Tea, how are you today?
Getting, everyone deserves an occasional meltdown. Let it out, but maybe post it here first?

Must dash, friend coming for coffee. Good wishes to all x

Waves to all......

Would have posted last night but got completely distracted by going onto Pink's thread & then had to go to bed as I was wrecked!

Pink, glad you're retaining your sense of humour

Mumfun, hope things have got a little better for you, you're in my thoughts & sending you lots of good wishes ((Hugs))

Happy, you too are in my thoughts & hope things go well for you today ((hugs))

Sov, also hope things go well for you today ((Hugs)). I really admire how you manage to juggle so much & yet always seem so positive. You are such a strong, positive person. I really hope you start to get a bit more support with dc's soon & that your life starts to get easier.

Patience, really great to read you're posts & see how you've moved on so much from those horrible black days that we all had to go through

Getting, I think you did the right thing in sending the email. I always think we are better to clear ourselves of anything we might be holding. It won't matter how xh answers the important thing is that you got out anything that was left to be said on your part. On the subject of xh not wanting stuff from the house I think see the positive in that as it would be much worse if he was like a scavenger & wanted lots of stuff. My xh equally walked out with only his clothes as such & tbh I often think of it now & I'm so glad that I didn't have to cope with him ransacking the house on top of everything else. Far easier for you to dump or give to charity whatever you don't want to bring with you. ((Hugs))

ET, enjoy your coffee morning & very good idea to get dd involved with minding ds & giving you some free time

Rom, hope things are going well for you

Goo, it's an age thing, my two youngest love having a giggle over ruddies, burps, poo & all things thus related . Hope you & Patience have a fantastic w'end

Tea, I'm inclined to agree with the others in that a 9hr car journey on your own sounds like a real daunting task. I'd also think that flying up might be a better solution or else could you postpone until sometime when xh would be free to go too.