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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.2

1001 replies

Teaandcakeplease · 29/01/2011 07:48

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong Smile

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

OP posts:
thereturnofElsieTanner · 27/02/2011 21:47

Sorry, you're having a hard time Mumfun. Hope it's a good book. I haven't got the point of being able to read a book yet. My mind was going at 250mph and now down to about 50mph but I think you need brain speeds of 20-30 mph to be able to read a book. Does that sound mad or do you know what I mean?

startingovernow · 27/02/2011 22:10

ET, unfortunately you did indeed read correctly that he called his eldest dd a cut! Also at the end of our marriage when I had discovered the infidelity he called me this regularly. I know I curse regularly on the thread but I don't actually in real life (except the odd Jeus C*** which is acceptable coming from any good catholic home Grin- sorry no offence meant just trying to retain my sense of humour!!). Anyway poor dd is so innocent she told me xh had called her older sister a cult!! She'd never heard the other word but sadly I knew straight away Sad.

He tried ringing earlier when we'd popped to the shop & then text me about a half hour ago to see if he was having the dc's wed so obviously he knows he's stepped over the mark & is just testing the waters I'd say. I tried ringing him after text but he didn't pick up, typical!!

Tea, hope you get a good night's sleep. No it wasn't the frap thing as she had gone onto her own profile first & only then went onto his profile to sort his password issue for him. Xh is a complete fool in lots of ways & think he had something on his FB which he hadn't thought about her seeing!! It was to do with some girl & considering stepdaughter is 25 & xh is currently dating a 25yo but not exclusive & attracted to the sleezy I'm sure whatever she saw wasn't appropriate to see on your father's fb Sad(not sure if sd knows about gf tho so could have been that)

Mumfun, so sorry to hear things are going bad for you atm ((Hugs)). Really hope things pick up again soon.

Goo, sorry to hear you too were subjected to this from xh, it's terrible isn't it!! Hope you manage to find right words with CD man. Tbh dc's love their time with xh & prob is that he is really good with them & then just looses it completely. Mind you if he keeps this up I think the day will come when they won't want to see him. I have to try & weigh up if it is better for them to continue to see him but at the same time make sure that they are not subjected to this.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 27/02/2011 22:17

Know wot u mean re books et.got 4 last week read 1 ,will be better this week I would imagine.
Googs friend made me a fab stir fry last nite,drank some becks and home at 2 am.3 of us just chatting.fab nite really inspiring.
Googs I would just tell the truth in an email.wish him all the best but its not me its u kinda thing.just tell him its not happening.
T any luck with the sleep thang ?
Waves to mf ,sending u vibes to restore ur inner peace.
Starting they never stay settled for long eh ? Kids are coming back to u ,safe and stable mummy,so important for ur little uns to have an inspirational mummy .
Dependable reliable not swearing in their faces etc
All hard work but building strong kids with good foundations.
U don't have bitterness so u can roll with this.they will know u always tried to keep communication open so less teenage resentment.they see real life and make more informed choices because of experiences.ultimately if he keeps exposing them to these outbursts he won't see em.kids know right from wrong ,they can recognise it .
X gone to ground to lick his wounds re his life generally going tits up.I am firmly standing in a field of indifference ,life goes on.
Away to watch more Dr harry Cunningham I've recorded.
Googs text me re the weekend .what u thinking ?

Patienceobtainsallthings · 27/02/2011 22:26

Ps X s ngf called me a cunt last week.water of a ducks back to me.I just think the swearer is thick or unstable these days.I am in a hi NRG bubble these days since their news last week.

startingovernow · 27/02/2011 22:44

Oh ffs, got a text from xh "missed a call" & rang him. Tried to talk reasonably to hin but he refused to see it was an issue, said it was just a blip & he'd go into court to sort access so Angry. Please avert your eyes ET & anyone else sensitive to foul language FUCKWIT.............Angry. F**king sick of dealing with it all...........

startingovernow · 27/02/2011 23:03

Oh further ffs!! Just got a text from xh saying "do not contact me again"............

Patienceobtainsallthings · 27/02/2011 23:30

Thinking of u starting,just to get mixed up in their adrenaline filled lifestyle is too much for me now,and I know how wearing it can be.
Hoping ur back 2 school 2 morrow and uv got college to give u perspective ,sending u calmness and peace 2 nite x

Original poster
Teaandcakeplease · 28/02/2011 08:02

It's funny (not ha ha funny but weird) how he can rationlise his behaviour to being a blip calling his daughter the C word and think it's no big deal but cannot talk with you calmly about it all but begins threats instead. I'm so sorry Starting. I'd find it very hard in your situation. Thinking of you.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 28/02/2011 08:26

Hi everyone

Mumfun sorry you are having a low time , must be bad as you always seem very pragmatic and serene. I hope the week turns out better than you thought

Starting what a shame that xh is so dysfunctional , bet you are glad you resisted the guilt routine of the other day. Will he see the dc on wednesday ?

Goo sorry it didnt work out with CD man but at least you know you've still got it Wink

Elsie what a nerve asking for the money for the football trip, sorry to hear xp is being a general pain in the rear I imagine about now the whole reality of his situation is sinking in and its not a pretty sight is it.

Patience I hope that night out is the first of many and you and googoo paint the town turquoise next weekend Grin

Tea hope you enjoyed half term in the end and your dc are all recovered

Well the dc had a fab time and it sounds like lots of effort was made by all so hopefully that goodwill can take dd happily through to when xh moves into his place in a couple of months.

XH came to the front door and hadnt shaved for a week (he never did on hols)which is a look I particularly dislike. He came up the path saying what a lovely time they had all had and I thought f* off and was quite frosty with him. I mean is it me , should I just be so over everything that him taking my beloved dc on a holiday with his gf and her son is all just in a days work Hmmand I should be saying to him oh how lovely. Obviously I did when I was speaking to the dc.

Anyway all geed up this morning by lots of house related letters to look at , I cant tell you how relieved I am about this. I am trying to just hold back a little though as its not over until the fat lady sings Grin

Back to Learndirect to start my maths this afternoon which I am looking forward to.

Half term is nice but getting likes her routines Grin

Waves to all - Offschool ok ? Pink, Sov Romney ? Hello to any lurkers like Citydoll, Cloudedview, Maybee..to name but a few - pop on and say hello even if you arent going to post regularly Smile

thereturnofElsieTanner · 28/02/2011 13:06

Getting, glad you've got the house to keep your mind off XH's insensitivity. And if you've got it in you to look forward to maths then you really are riding high at the moment.

Starting, I had a text like that from XP on Fri: "Piss off, I don't want any more contact with you". Two minutes later he sent me another text thus losing what little credibility he had. He apologised the next day. Are you able to stand back and just spectate?

I am feeling the cold today. Took my doggy for a 3 hour walk and treated myself by going back to be so I'm here having a duvet afternoon Smile.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 28/02/2011 13:07

back to bed

Patienceobtainsallthings · 28/02/2011 13:27

Love to everyone.
still going with the best revenge is living well option.
Forgiving my X and all those involved is a huge part of my healing.I feel I am walking thru a gateway right now,leaving my old life behind and walking forwards like a free spirit.its good to see some sunshine and have a smile on my face.

Mumfun · 28/02/2011 19:53

Good to hear that positivity from you Patience! Im also having a better day although tested in parts :)

I also believe in the best revenge being to live well.

After yesterday an old truth also popped into my head: not very PC but ......Dont get Mad, Get Even!!

And I will in a fashion :)

gettingeasier · 28/02/2011 20:07

Mumfun what are you going to do then ?

Elsie well I know what you mean but after a long period of dormancy my brain is welcoming some activity Smile

Feeling most peculiar atm , think its adrenaline about house stuff which I know when certain things like surveys and solicitors are sorted on I will calm down about.

Just feel under pressure , thinking of a couple of sessions with my magical therapist who I havent seen since August to man me up a bit !!

Patienceobtainsallthings · 28/02/2011 20:31

Sounds good getting,
I had to let everything go to move on and just work on myself .asked thevteacher if Ds could have his reading book home at weekends to read with his dad.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 28/02/2011 20:33

Indifference rocks btw.

googoomama · 28/02/2011 21:16

Hi everyone. ET I'm jealous of your afternoon bedtime! Hope you are ok after everything that has happened.
Same with you Starting.
Patience - yes it rocks. Just having a wobble today. Tried to contact one of the girls from exbf's village - one of his best mates - but she's not replying. Guess I have to let go...
Also just emailed CDMan to tell him that we can't meet up again. Just said it was too difficult as we both have time off at different times. Got a lonesome little email back saying "S'ok. I understand". This is the first time EVER that I have called something off and it's a horrible feeling. I wish I could fancy him because he is so lovely but the spark just wasn't there so I couldn't be unfair on him :(

Mumfun · 28/02/2011 21:34

Aww Goo - you did right but its sad. I take it he couldnt have coped with just being a friend. I was there once -met this lovely guy who only wanted more than friends. It was hard as I would like to have been friends as he was so lovely but not right for me.

romneymarsh · 28/02/2011 21:38

Goo I know what you mean about needing to fancy someone, its a shame as CD man did sound very nice. A few friends have been telling me that you dont need to fancy them as long as you get on well with them as when you get to my age (45) things change?? Oh well maybe one day I will find out if that is true or not.

ET I have a nap this pm too as I have just finished two earlies up at 0315. How is work going?

Starting sorry about your ex he does sound like a total tosser!

googoomama · 28/02/2011 21:39

Thanks love. Didn't ask him about being friends - I didn't think he would want to as I know he wanted a relationship. I really feel that I have to be on my own now. I was so in love with exbf and I need time to recover and just go into my shell a bit really. I haven't got the heart to get into something else so quickly. Guess I'm just a bit heartsore.
Hope you're ok Mum. Sounds like you've been having a bad time. Hugs to you x

googoomama · 28/02/2011 21:40

Hi Rom - lovely to hear from you. I think some people can fall in love without fancying someone but that would never be the case with me. There has to be a spark, no matter how old you are.

romneymarsh · 28/02/2011 21:42

Goo I could have written your last post about needing to be on my own because I loved H so much and needing to recover, totally understand.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 28/02/2011 22:27

Patience, do you think your new freedom is because deep down you knew he was bullshitting you? Now you've got the truth, which was only what you suspected, you have some affirmation of your own instincts? I needed the truth in all its technicolour gruesomeness to be able to move forward. Didn't like it but needed to hear it.

Mumfun, I'm wondering what your H has done, or not done... You sound very calm and measured. Hope it works out the way you want it to.

Romney, I definitely agree that there has to be a spark, a certain chemistry. For me, that could be largely made up by a wicked sense of humour. But I can't imagine having a romantic partner that I don't fancy. Then again, I can't imagine fancying an 85 year old. Come back and ask again in 40 years Grin.

GGM, I totally understand about needing to be on your own. I also think you have to move on from that to actually enjoying being on your own before embarking on another relationship.

I am working on ways to avoid needing XP to provide childcare when I'm at work. It's his only weapon against me and I have to disarm him.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 28/02/2011 23:01

I got closure et although I knew it was going on and he had admitted to friendship .I'm like lotta shite but to hear it out loud and to know he lied since august shows me what a jerk he is.sneaky weak coward non attractive bloke with a drink problem.but he had sex with someone else he is no longer my husband.my heart couldn't let go b4.
Now I have my freedom.I broke my heart 8 mths ago and again in Nov when a friend of mine saw them out together.now he says he isn't seeing her,whatever,will have someone else soon or she will be back.anyway its like I had grieved but i still had hope ,wtf ,that's what drives u mad ,now he has got naked with someone else ie shagged the barmaid ,I am running like fuck in the opposite direction.
Relaxed happy X wife.encouraging visits as the slow realisation kicks it that yes Xh THIS IS UR LIFE x
Also I am fed up talking about it.I dont know how to describe it ,it just happened just a feeling its all dull and predictable behaviour,he didn't see kids Sunday ,there is no rage I'm like no worries,no reaction ,no adrenaline,let's go and play cricket in the garden.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 28/02/2011 23:19

Funny thing is ,ive got a feeling he is feeling the closure too iyswim.he might have moved on ,but our relationship has changed because in the last 10 days I have moved on too.he's had me love him for the last 16 yrs I don't anymore ,he must feel that too.all has happened naturally since finding out about the gf.never was tempted to text him or her back.I feel no rage just freedom

Rise like lions after slumber,
In unvanguishable number,
Shake these chains that fall like dew
That in sleep have fallen on you,
Ye are many ,they are few.

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