Reading about when disclosure of what really happened comes out in a drip effect has made me grateful in a bizarre way that I knew about ow almost from the word go.
Although I had a few weeks when I wasnt sure if xh would embark from EA to being with her it wasnt long really but probably long enough for me to be mentally prepared. Within four and half months of him going he was with her and the dc had were introduced.
I still maintain that the hardest pill to swallow is when your dc are fully involved in a life with your xh and his ow and her family. My bitterest tears were shed in those summer months when I was properly realising what had happened to me and how after 17 years not only was he gone but he had a whole happy existence with ow and our dc. That I could walk past people in our town that the dc spent a lot of time with but that I wouldnt know from Adam.
In the odd moment I feel cross that xh will never know that pain and I wonder at the injustice of that , then I remember the saying life isnt fair.
XH is a sensitive person and what I do think is that at some point he may not experience that pain but he will understand he inflicted it on me. Maybe in some ways he already does hence the struggle to make eye contact and the haste to be away from here.
I am so glad now that I never once engaged in chest beating, woe is me, how could you do this to me, please come back to me etc behaviour even at my most heartbroken. More importantly I never spoke a word against his ow or made a murmur of complaint at any of his actions in that department apart from telling him around 4 months ago that I considered that he had had an affair with ow while with me even if they didnt have sex.
In short he would have anticipated emotional drama from me and got nothing.
DS was talking about a girl at school last night syaing she has been acting weirdly and offish. I said maybe she was having problems or was unhappy. He said no way " her parents are together and really happy , I saw them at her party holding hands " and clearly saw this as the apex of a happy home life. This gave rise to a quick chat and he said he knew his Dad had been very unhappy so I asked did he seem happier now to which DS said no not really, then he said well he is happy I think.
I feel sad that DS hasnt got those happy parents but I know over years and years I tried to make xh happy but I just didnt. As SGB says you cant make someone love you.
I feel happy that I no longer have the job of trying to make xhs life what he wants or trying to get him through his huge emotional crisis.
Anyway its now 7.04 and I have got that off my chest !!
See you all later