to want my PIL to stop pressuring me about visiting them 9 hrs away alone with 2 toddlers?

[teaandcakeplease]

This is going to be quite a long one but I really have to get this off my chest and I need some sympathy, truth be told and if you have any ideas on how I can deal with this that I haven?t tried already, that would be great.

Bit of background; my H and I are in the process of a divorce as he has chosen to forsake me and the 2 DCs for the OW. I did want to work things out, however he couldn?t and didn?t want to end the relationship. The divorce begun in April, it?s fairly amicable, no arguments as yet over anything and the decree nisi application was submitted to court on 17 July. H comes and sees the DCs twice a week, sometimes 3 times and is great with them, plays with them etc. I do have a thread on here about the sorry saga from a while ago, so some of you may recognise me.

My PIL have owned a large house in Montrose for many years, MIL bought it just after I started dating her son and they have recently chosen to sell their house down here near me and relocate to Scotland. They wanted to save more for retirement and it made sense to sell one of their properties. Truthfully it is difficult to imagine her retiring and she has said that she has no intention to for at least another 10 years, she works in Switzerland and comes over to the UK once a month for a weekend, sometimes stays longer. So my FIL actually lives without her most of the time. But they needed to sell a property to save for retirement and have done that.

The property in Montrose was being let out as a holiday home previously but they weren?t earning as much as needed to cover all the overheads as I understand it. So they decided now was a good time to sell up and relocate. MIL grew up in Montrose and wants to retire up there. Ever since I?ve known her I?ve always understood they would retire up there, it?s naturally their decision of course and I?m fine with that. What I am not fine with however is the fact that ever since my FIL moved up there every time he rings me to see how the GCs are, he always asks without fail ?when am I going up there to stay for 7 days?? MIL also whenever she sees me asks me the same. I feel almost bullied and pressured to go and stay for 7 days, every time they see me, as no matter how I try to explain things, I cannot get them to see my point of view. I want my DCs to have a good relationship with them and have said that if they can just wait a while longer, they?ll both be older and easier to manage in a car on longer journeys but right now as they?re both so young it is a lot to ask and it would be far easier for them to pack a small bag and come down to me instead and are welcome anytime.

I?m a lone parent now, with a 3 year old DD (just turned 3, I might add) and a 19 month old DS, their son has left me for a 21 year old, Montrose is 9 hours drive from me, if the traffic was good and I didn?t stop at all on the way up there and they expect me to pack up 2 toddlers, travel cots, ready bed, bedding, toys (as they have none up there), buggy and all the associated paraphernalia you have for 2 toddlers and drive on my own up there. My friends are lovely but all work full time or have families of their own and wouldn?t be able to come with me to help. My parents are elderly and aren?t able to offer to keep me company on the long journey either. When I try and tell them how stressful it would be to do it with 2 toddlers on my own. They then tell me that my H can come up with me. We?re in the middle of a divorce, yes we?re managing to keep it amicable but they do not seem to understand that it?s not appropriate for him to come and stay with me and the DCs for a week in Scotland. Not that the other woman?s feelings truly concern me but I?m pretty sure she wouldn?t be too impressed either, if H went away with his soon to be ex wife for a whole week. I sometimes think H?s parents haven?t quite grasped the fact we?re divorcing. MIL insists we just need to be grown ups about this and come up together to see them regularly. My DD has only just gotten used to the fact that daddy doesn?t live with us anymore and it would be very hard for her if he came with us for a week and then at the end, left us again. She?s so young and she still doesn?t truly understand why he no longer lives with us. I don?t want to confuse her or upset her and I know it would. She spent months crying and whimpering ?daddy gone, daddy lost? the last thing I want to do is confuse her again.

The thought of trying to drive at night with them instead, has crossed my mind but it would be too dangerous and I?d fall asleep at the wheel. I suppose I could arrange to stay in a B&B on the way up at a half way point and then finish the drive the following day? But it?s too much to ask of a daughter in law with 2 toddlers on her own I think and unfair. My DS gets fed up in his car seat after a while and I have to pass toys back to him regularly. I?ve tried story CDs, Kids music, great for DD, DS doesn't help I can time naps for the car journey I suppose as that?d help but he?d only sleep 90 mins in the day max in the car. So the rest of the time would require toys being passed back etc. My DD has only just been potty trained as well and I need to take her to the loo often to avoid accidents. I suppose I could put her in pull ups for the day? However it all comes back to the fact it?s an awful lot to ask of a DIL when they chose to move 9 hrs away, their choice and their son has left me to cope on my own. I keep saying it?ll be easier once they?re bigger and it won?t be long, I?m sure by next Summer it won?t be so bad to do it but they do not seem to take my point of view on board at all.

FIL called last night on the phone yet again and asked and dismissed all my concerns again, I felt so fed up as this has been going on since last October (he only finally moved 6 weeks ago and has already seen the GCs twice since then down here) I am always polite about it and keep trying to tell them how much easier it would be if they could just see me down here for now but they just do not let it lie. It all seems so unreasonable to constantly pressure me to go up there. MIL is often in the UK on business and it?s always in London so she is able to see the GCs lots anyway. FIL often comes down here too. I cannot see why they cannot take my pov on board. As my door is always open to them but I just want to wait until the DCs are slightly older to go up to Montrose on my own with them. As it is it would be a tough week and not relaxing with them and I know that. Life?s so hard with 2 toddlers, a divorce going through and money worries without this constant pressure from my PIL to go and stay in their lovely house. I?m sure the DCs would enjoy it of course but I just wish they?d listen to me and wait until next year. They chose to move 9 hours away from both their sons and their grandchildren and now I feel like they expect me to up sticks whenever they ask to go up there, when this wasn?t my choice or decision. I am also 100% certain that if I do the journey once they?ll then assume it?s no bother and expect me to go up there everytime MIL takes time off work, so I feel like I?m stuck between a rock and a hard place right now as I do not think I can win either way really, as they do not appreciate what they?re asking of me and what about if I ever meet a new man and he wants to do things with me and the DCs? What about when I return to work and only get 20 days holiday a year? What about the financial costs, the petrol is a lot too? If I could just agree to go up twice a year that would be ok I guess, if they came to me the rest of the time but I cannot see things being that straight forward, having known them now for 9 years

So what would you do in my situation as I was nearly close to tears last night when FIL yet again put me under pressure to go up there, as I?m about fit to burst with frustration now. Life is so hard right now, coming to terms with my marriage being over and being a lone parent with 2 toddlers Are my requests unreasonable?

[Stricnine]

Could there not be a compromise - if your FIL came down and helped you travel to Montrose - he might see that you really would not be able to manage the journey alone...

7 days 'free' holiday and child minding would be an excellent change of scene for you and the DC from all the stress... which is maybe why they're suggesting a break

[strawberrie]

Most definitely YANBU. I've only read the 1st bit of your post - you sound lovely and calm and considerate and your PIL are out of order.

[tattycoram]

There's no way you can do that drive, it's just not safe. You sound very calm and patient. I think you'll just have to keep telling them that.

[Tippychoocks]

Wow, that's an essay

I think YANBU cos my PIL in Ireland have done exactly the same - they have money, a car and time off work. I have none of those plus pets at home that would need expensive minding. They haven't bothered, despite visiting the UK and SIL who lives 1 1/2 hours away, in 3 years. So it's not just you, don't worry.

Put your foot down now I think or you're right, it'll be never ending. Maybe agree to take a holiday close to them next year?

[whydobirdssuddenlyappear]

In your situation I just wouldn't go. Not in a car. 9 hours' driving (probably be more like 11-12 with stops) is just too much for such little children, not to mention far too much for one person to do safely. I don't think you're being remotely unreasonable, by the way.
Can you ask them to come to you this year? Or possibly go away with them for a week somewhere closer to you? I'm sure they're not trying to be difficult. They probably just want to make sure they maintain a relationship with you and their grandchildren.
But no, I definitely wouldn't attempt a car trip like that with kids like that.
Alternatively, is there any way you could go on the train? Could they get ready beds etc? Or could you get them online and get them delivered to their house?

[dolcegusto]

Omg you are so not bu. I think they are incredibly unreasonable to keep pressuring you for all the reasons you've mentioned.

I think what I would do is whenever they mention you travelling up there, brush it off with a breezy, 'oh not till the dcs are much older. When are you coming to see us?'

you sound like a lovely dil for trying to make sure your dds continue to have a relationship with their grandparents.

[PollyLogos]

I think it would be a very difficult journey on your own.

Why don't the (ex) in-laws come and stay for a week with their son and from there they can come and see their grandchildren every day.

[whydobirdssuddenlyappear]

'with kids like that' should be 'kids of those ages' sorry.

[serenity]

YANBU. They're still seeing their GC, and you're not saying 'never' just 'not now'. They need to back off a bit I think, but I do wonder if they're pushing because they are worried about seeing the DCs long term?

[Gotabookaboutit]

The word no springs to mind- you have already explained - they are insensitive and self absorbed if they cannot see the real problems - as for 7 days free holiday the petrol for a 9 hour x2 drive plus food is not a free hoilday - 2 young children in an ''adult'' house is not a stress free one either - they need to do the work not you

[scaryteacher]

Go by train (sleeper), which takes off the driving strain. How you then get from the mainline station to Montrose becomes the pils problem. Alternatively, can you fly?

I think they are trying to give you a break by having you there for a week, and the pressure seems to be a concerned about you pressure iyswim.

Just explain that it is too much now to deal with, and that you have it pencilled in for next summer when everything is sorted domestically. Ask them to investigate trains and flights for you, and explain that they may need to get some things in for the dcs; lego and some art stuff would be a start. By then, both dc will see it as an adventure and hopefully be too entranced by the walks and the scenery to want too many toys. Hand them over to the pils for a week whilst you chill with a book nearby.

They sound from what you have said supportive of you, and want to maintain a relationship with you which is great for you and the dcs. They can be great allies for you, especially if they are not happy with their ds, and are a way to keep communication open if needed. I don't think the 21 yo will deal with a high powered mil do you?

[ramblingmum]

YANBO I would not do that journey either on my own with 2 small children. Even with help to would be hard

[fluffles]

where do you live?

i would say that flying or the train would be easier - and get PIL to collect you at the other end... if money is an issue then get them to chip in..

i rarely travel 9 hours or more by car as i just am not that experienced a driver and have to concentrate, it would be dangerous.. trains are easier if you go off-peak so it's not too busy in the carriage and when short of time flying is quicker (dundee has an airport i think?) your PILs will just have to invest in the bedding/cots or whatever that you need.

YANBU.

[lal123]

Sorry - haven't read the whole OP But do you HAVE to drive up to Montrose? Could you fly to Dundee or Aberdeen and get picked up from there - PILs should contribute to costs IMO

[teaandcakeplease]

I know tippychooks I really needed to talk to someone about it all. being a lone parent sometimes you wish you had someone to talk to like a H about things like this.

Stewie - if only. The useless wally cannot cope with looking after them for very long and gets cross and loses his temper. Can't see it being much of an improvement if he drove them alone instead, just as hard for him as me to do it anyway, accept I wouldn't completely loose it with the DCs, like he would on a long car journey alone iyswim?

[lurcherlover]

If they don't get the message on the phone, could you write them a letter? Maybe send them a nice little parcel, perhaps with some of the children's drawings and a few recent photos, and enclose a letter with some of your recent news and so on - and end with a paragraph explaining very nicely but firmly why the journey just isn't possible. Don't be overly negative (eg don't mention feeling resentful that their son has left you to cope alone, understandable though that is) - but set out the reasons clearly. "Of course we want to come and stay with you and can't wait until the children are old enough - but obviously at the ages they're at now, I can't do a 9-hour journey (more with stops) for reasons I know you'll understand - X's toileting, Y won't sleep in the car that long, etc etc. In a letter they've got time to read and digest and can't answer you back, and it makes your viewpoint very clear. Nice-but-firm is the tone you're after. If they still insist after that they are BVU.

[poppymouse]

YANBU. All the contributing factors and work arounds you have suggested and dismissed are besides the point. It sounds like they are somewhat in denial of the position you have been left in by the decisions they and their son have made, and no wonder, cause no one has put you and your children first but you. They are kidding themselves that the divorce won't affect their relationship with their gcs, down to imagining all 4 of you visiting at once. That is Lala land. I agree they are completely within their rights to move to Montrose, but they have to live with the consequences. They probably said to themselves you would be able to come for long visits so they wouldn't miss the GC's.

WWID though? How upfront have you been? Have they any idea how upsetting this is for you? Since having DS I have had to be more upfront with my parents, they wouldn't want to upset me but they have very poor radar for when their "teasing" gets out of hand and I have just told I'm finding it stressful and they are quite embarrassed.

I think you need to let them know it's getting to you, and I don't think you will need to go into all the reasons you have here. Your last paragraph says it all - you are coming to terms with your marriage being over, your children are coming to terms with their parents marriage being over, you have two toddlers at an age that does not travel so well and please could they stop asking as you are fond of them and find it difficult to have to say no.

I notice there is no mention of your DH taking them up by himself - why not?

[Needanewname]

OK first of all calm down, take a deep breath and relax.

You are not being unreasonable at all, your PIL obviously don;t understand.

I'm doing a similar journey to the one they're proposing in a few days time, my DDs are 6 and nearly 4 and I have DH but even then it will be tough.

If you feel unable to tell them over the phone I suggest you write them a friendly letter explaining why you will be unable to visit them for the forseable future (don;t mean to be a doomonger, but next year won;t be any easier as far as the kids and long journeys are concerned!)

It would be dangerous for you to drive that distnace by yourself with 2 toddlers - tiredness and potenial to be distracted by bored toddlers to name but 2 reasons

Whether its appropriate or not for your ex to help with the travel, its too confusing for the children and basically you don;t want to - nothing wrong with that and nothing to do with being grown up about it (the split I mean).

And what about holiday time - do you really want to spend all you anual leave visiting the ex in laws - I think not!!!!

It is much easier for them to come and stay with you and that is what they need to do. You need to keep repeating yourself and not get flustered. Remember, they are unreasonable not you, though it is lovely they want to see you and the children and remind them that you want them to aswell, just not in Scotland.

Sorry if I've gone on too long, but you sounded liek you really needed some reassurance.

[maktaitai]

YANBU. Simple. They're clearly not listening to lists of reasons, so possibly a clear statement of 'I'm really not going to change my mind on this one, and I'm getting reluctant to answer the phone because I'm feeling badgered' would help?

Could you fly up, though?

Or is there a sister-in-law who could travel up the same time?

Re doing the trip once and then being expected to do it all the time - I think this is a legitimate fear, but IMO if you do this, when you arrive, go to bed and stay there, let the GPs do the childcare for 3 days, and maybe they will be a bit more lukewarm next time!

[ThingOne]

Why can't their son take them up to visit? My DSs are 4 and 6, there are two of us, we have DVDs in the car and we still found a 350 mile/ 8-9 hours trip a struggle.

[IMoveTheStars]

YANBU. Agree with SGM, why do you need to go at all, can't their Dad take them?

Otherwise just say that if FIL wants to see his GC's, he needs to get down to see you, not the other way round.

[teaandcakeplease]

My DCs do not travel well or sleep well in strange places, as to be honest since both were born, I haven't done much with them, so they're not used to it. Just visited people for the day, so I sincerely doubt either would sleep well on a train, far too exciting although that's a great idea for next year when I can reason with my son (I hope) right now he's very tricky.

I thought about flying but unless they buy a travel cot, toys, buggy, car seats etc, that's alot to bring to the airport as baggage. I'm sure they would buy the flight tickets but trying to look after 2 toddlers alone in an airport wouldn't be easy either iyswim? My son is at a very hard stage right now as he gets frustrated as he cannot communicate and shouts and throws tantrums when he cannot get his own way. He tears things apart, charges off unless strapped into his buggy but then shouts to be free and if on reins, rolls about on the floor instead, cross with me for not letting him run free. Airport sounds hard too tbh but in a different way. Let alone on a plane with 2 toddlers I struggle even going to the supermarket right now with my DS and DD in tow. I guess everything isn't easy with 2 toddlers but I prefer to make life as easy as possible for me as a lone parent, which is why I wish they'd see my pov.

They keep telling me "well we traveled across the continent with H as a baby and he slept the whole way"

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YANBU, not even close.

It looks to me as if you have explained it to them every way you can, they're just not listening. I can think of only two options:

1. Burst into tears next time they press you. Make them feel really bad about upsetting you.
   
2. Burst into expletives - 'are you not fucking listening you areses?!?!'
   

Calm is not working - try shock tactics. I'd recommend trying 1. first, you sound far too nice to try 2.