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Original poster

who pays on the first couple of dates?

180 replies

Anais53 · 23/01/2011 16:21

When you're on dates no. 1 and 2, do you expect the guy to offer to pay? Be it just a drink or a meal?

Had date no. 2 with someone nice last night, date no.1 we'd just been to the pub and shared the rounds, then last night out for a meal. When it came to pay, he said "I'll get this one and then you can pay for the next one". I was mighty unimpressed, didn't say anything just nodded.

I'm all for paying my way and am financially independent but call me old-fashioned, I think it's nice if a guy wants to impress you right at the beginning and doesn't expect you to go dutch. Don't much feel like seeing him again now.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 23/01/2011 16:24

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walkinZombie · 23/01/2011 16:26

We went half and half, its suited us both,

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/01/2011 16:29

I think it's perfectly reasonable for your date to say he'd pay for this one and you get the next one.

In the 'good old days' it was the done thing for the man to pay so as to demonstrate that he could afford to pay for two, or even more. Women weren't main earners back then.

These days that's pretty much gone out of the window and women want equality... they have it. He might have perceived a 'cats bum face' from you at the suggestion of you paying for the next one and think he might not want date number 2 after all.

BluddyMoFo · 23/01/2011 16:32

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spikeycow · 23/01/2011 17:14

I'd want to split down the middle, BUT I wouldn't want him to say lets split down the middle, because then it might sound like he thought I was expecting him to pay for me, which I wouldn't have been. So if he did say it I'd say "obviously" just to let him know it wasn't his idea not to pay for me. It's a minefield

Original poster
Anais53 · 23/01/2011 17:27

I think it's the fact that he said it Spikey that put me off. And I still think men should pursue at the beginning, so I'd never suggest another date for example. If he can't be bothered then sobeit. Same applies to offering to pay right at the beginning. Men and women are much more equal but we are different.

OP posts:
bootilicious · 23/01/2011 17:35

IMHO pay you own way, enjoy the company without obligation. He can pursue you in other ways Grin

If he is mean it's not just about money...

benbon · 23/01/2011 19:29

i had date number 3 last night,and im having the opposite problem... he will not let me pay for anything!!! and i mean anything!! went out for dinner last week and drinks and dinner last night and drinks... and even when i got it the taxi he gave the driver money... i stood for ages saying to him to at least let me buy him a drink but he wouldnt have it... was actually quite annoying lol... in a nnice way :-)

BooBooGlass · 23/01/2011 19:36

I think it's only fair to split it actually, and I like to do it that way. Dp bought the wine on our first date and I insisted on paying on the second one. He then took me out for a few dinners, and would never let me pay for that, but always lets me pay for drinks when I offer, which is every time. It's called sharing the load OP, and for you to not want to date him again because of it is probably enough to say you're not really that interested in him anyway. Why the hell should you get everything for free?

thisismyboomstick · 23/01/2011 19:39

Payment aside, if you sat in silence at the mention of another date then he'll probably assume you're not interested.

Taghain · 23/01/2011 19:40

I'd call you old-fashioned.
If you think "I'm all for paying my way and am financially independent" then stand by it. Offer to pay.
To a man who wants an equal partner, you sound more like a gold-digger - you got a meal from him then effed off. Charming.
He wasn't being tight, he wasn't insisting that you split the bill that time, I consider you're being harsh.

Yika · 23/01/2011 19:57

It would really put me off too - the fact that he said it, not the fact of splitting costs. It's like he doesn't trust you to offer!

I would actually also expect the man to pay for the first couple of dates, and then after that I would offer to get the next, and from then on I would expect approximate turn-taking (assuming reasonably equal income; I don't mind paying more if a bloke is hard up) but I would HATE it if a guy said 'your turn' (my XP used to do this and he was unbelievably tight-fisted) - I think it should only be mentioned if there's a very obvious imbalance, otherwise it's all too obvious that he's keeping tabs, and I find it an unattractive quality.

mmmwine · 23/01/2011 20:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Anais53 · 23/01/2011 22:03

Thanks Yika and mmm, that's how it felt, he was keeping tabs already. It felt sort of tacky, like he didn't care if he impressed me that much. And I'd already split drinks with him on the first date. It would just spoil the next date, knowing he expects me to pay so I'm getting cold feet. But after the first couple of dates, am quite happy to split costs.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 23/01/2011 22:18

I don't think what he said was out of order, and I do think you are being old-fashioned and a bit silly. If I was him I wouldn't bother my arse for another date.
Of course, when he gives you a good kicking, that will be old-fashioned and acceptable too...won't it.

mmmwine · 23/01/2011 22:18

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ilovesooty · 24/01/2011 01:28

50:50. I think women who expect men to pay for them and think it's not on for men to suggest going halves are gold diggers and freeloaders. If I were the man in this scenario and I perceived the woman being as unimpressed as the OP was I wouldn't be bothering with a third date.

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 01:33

Why 'should' the man pursue?

Why? why? why?

I suppose it does slightly even the women having to pay for tampons issue, but really! If you are on the dating scene as a man it is really expensive if all women are like the OP. Doesn't further equality much having attitudes like this.

Saltatrix · 24/01/2011 01:42

OP I feel sorry for the guy your talking about seems men are often damned if they do damned if they don't. Many women prefer to do 50/50, others prefer to take turns and others say that the one who does the asking (for the date)should be the one that pays (which basically means the guy) the problem is that if you pick the wrong one people start to get offended.

Help a guy out at least let us know what your thinking we can't read minds.

christmaswishes · 24/01/2011 01:45

I think its more to do with them calculating it all and keeping tabs eg I paid more for your glass of wine than you did for my beer. Many men do this and it is very unattractive. There is no romance in being tight especially when you have only just started dating! It is off putting. I would offer sometimes but I wouldn't want them to tell me!

Next he will be getting his calculator out to make sure he only pays for what he ate or drank. Haha

chrysanthemum38 · 24/01/2011 08:22

I completely get that it was the fact that he said it that is the problem.

When I met my dh, he insisted on paying for the entire first date. I agreed but I was the one to say that I would pay next time.

If he had said it to me, that it would be my turn next, it would have felt wrong. Not that I didn't want to pay, but that he felt he needed to point out that it was my turn.

He likes to pay for stuff for me, he feels it is the gentlemanly thing to do. But as we earn roughly the same amount I feel it is inappropriate in this day and age for the man to pay for everything.

He took me away for a lovely Valentine's weekend on our first Valentine's day. The following year I took him away.

Personally, if at the end of the date I felt there would be a second date, I would offer to go halves when the bill came, but if he insisted on paying, I would accept graciously, but insist on paying for the second.

If I felt there would not be a second date, then I would insist on going halves, then he wouldn't feel like he'd paid for the meal and got nothing in return.

tuggy · 24/01/2011 08:49

YABU and very sexist. What if HE had said a sexist comment? Imagine he'd said 'I'll pay for this then, as you'll be busy doing all the cleaning and getting me a cup of tea when we get home'

They'f be uproar on the boards that he was a sexist prick. But somehow you're allowed to do it?

LeroyJethroGibbs · 24/01/2011 08:55

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Elemental · 24/01/2011 08:56

He probably just wanted to set the scene as it were, in case he ended up paying every time. DH had a girlfriend like that before me, who never offered or paid anything. He was amazed when I bought a round of drinks on our first date.

JustForThisOne · 24/01/2011 08:58

OP i think it is just a way to say we are going to have a 3rd date

and CHRYSANTHEMUS blimy you are so precious but still think that a man buying you a dinner means he must have something in return? how cheap