who pays on the first couple of dates?

[Anais53]

When you're on dates no. 1 and 2, do you expect the guy to offer to pay? Be it just a drink or a meal?

Had date no. 2 with someone nice last night, date no.1 we'd just been to the pub and shared the rounds, then last night out for a meal. When it came to pay, he said "I'll get this one and then you can pay for the next one". I was mighty unimpressed, didn't say anything just nodded.

I'm all for paying my way and am financially independent but call me old-fashioned, I think it's nice if a guy wants to impress you right at the beginning and doesn't expect you to go dutch. Don't much feel like seeing him again now.

"InterestedInMoving Mon 24-Jan-11 23:04:36
Anais, I would not bother with another date with that guy then, he sounds like he is not for you."

and, Guy, I would not bother with another date with that Anais then, she sounds like she is not for you.

I always ask to split. Always. More often than not, I'm refused. I don't have a problem with that.

Once I went on a first date with a guy. I suggested the local gastropub. He insisted we went to a Michelen starred restaurant. At the end, I offered to split. He accepted without batting an eyelid. I was a hard-up single mum. I never saw him again....

Perhaps he thought that he "was a prize to be won" but suspected that the OP had some dodgy attitudes to bill paying and wasn't sufficiently trying to "impress him".

Or would that just sound weird and arrogant?

CatinBoots, that is awful, what an idiot. InterestedinMoving, that's exactly how I feel.

Bluegrass, I'd paid my way on the first date so that was absolutely not the case. If I'd bothered to see him again, he would have found I was very generous indeed. And I find all this talk of women being expected to pursue men in the early stages doesn't reflect the real world at all. Men are HUNTERS and nothing's going to change that. It doesn't mean that women just have to sit there and wait and I hate that book the Rules but we are wired differently. And vive le difference I say.

Most of the men I know are in White collar jobs but I'm sure they would love to be told they are hunters, sounds great.

Not sure if they think the "magic" of dating someone new comes with having to pay for them though. Makes being on the dating scene sound like a very expensive business for men if they have to keep reaching for their wallet on each new first or second date to prove their hunter status to the woman!

Where is the feminist board, they would be loving this.

"Men are HUNTERS and nothing's going to change that. "

I don't think that's got anything to do with innate "wiring". I think that's purely social conditioning.

Men in our culture are conditioned to do most/all the running in trying to start a relationship - they're the ones generally expected to ask the woman out for a date and they're the ones who are expected to be romantic and to woo the woman - while women are (as a sweeping generalisation) conditioned to play hard to get.

'Men are HUNTERS' Seriously? What are women then, prey?

Personally I really don't want to be 'hunted' on a date or any other interaction, I want to be treated with respect and consideration as a fellow human being, and I try to do the same in return.

Nothing wrong with a bit of role play in the bedroom if you like that sort of thing, but that's where it should stay IMO...

I'm not expecting a man to take me anywhere expensive for the first date or two but just have the manners to offer to pay. That's all.

And I'm not attracted to men who don't have the hunting instinct, most unmasculine. I'm a woman who has her own life; own house, own money, own interests and most certainly don't want to be kept by a man. But I do like to be pursued (in a gentlemanly way of course) and think perhaps that a fair few comments are coming from people who've been in settled relationships for a long time. I've done all that too but find that the rules of dating haven't changed one bit.

I haven't been in a settled relationship for years but I don't think of myself as a prize, nor do I want a man to be a hunter.

I think it was perfectly reasonable of him - you choose the next venue, you pay.

If you're financially independent, I don't see why you shouldn't pay?

OP, I'm reading this that the type of guy you are after is an 'alpha male' type, which is fine, you sound like someone who knows her own mind.
I think the guy you've been out with is just not quite your type.
He sounds great to me, but then I don't go for alpha males.
If his comment has broken your rules, then don't meet him again - but the answer to your question is simply we all have different rules!

How would this look on Blokenet?

"I went on a couple of dates, took her to dinner, told her I would pay and she could pay next time, turns out she was really shocked and offended at the idea.

What does that tell you about her?"

You're all missing the point.

I have no problem paying on the next date.
It's just tacky to mention it IMHO.

Thanks for all the comments, will carry on trying to find my alpha male then and I have plenty of offers. And will be having fun while I'm doing it! I don't feel I owe a man anything if he pays for me either, where did that come from?

It's all about chivalry and it disappoints me that for a lot of people it seems to have gone out of the window. Don't women like to feel protected and desired anymore? And a guy paying for most on the first two dates makes me feel desired.

But then again, maybe I'm just weird

My husband has always paid for me from the very first date. He thinks splitting bills is being mean and will always insist on paying when we go out with my parents too, my dad has to argue with him to pay the bill sometimes ;-)

I think he was brought up that men pay for women, he is a bit old fashioned in those kind of things.

As for daddy spoiling me, way off the mark. And was the bread-winner too in my marriage and had no problem with it.

My Dad has been (re)married for about 15 years, he has always paid for all meals/drinks etc when he goes out with his wife.
They both earn good money - in fact, I suspect she earns more than he does, but this is the way they like it.
On the other hand, he conceals from her quite how overdrawn he is!

Sounds a bit like you don't fancy him that much. Sorry, but that's the way I read it. In my cough extensive dating experience (fairly recent) I would say that the big giveaway is quite often who gets the bill. If I didn't fancy the suitor in question and he expected me to pay half, I'd think he was a cheeky bugger for asking me out on a date in the first place... and if I did, I thought he was being eminently sensible and an enlightened feminist to boot.

I think he was saying that he wanted to see you again by the way.

There are blokes who think that a fast car and flashng rolls of cash impresses a lady. I think they are dinosaurs - but clearly I am wrong.

Sounds like you the OP wants a bloke to prove he has plenty of cash before she will go out with him.

Why does this thread remind me of that song?

I really think that women should pay their own way.

Our own way, should I say. I'm not a bloke.

despite being a balding fatty with a full beard and tash.

Why should a man pay for everything?

I want equality. I don't want equality except for when it comes to paying for things. That's just nuts.

I have always paid my way. Men have generally been amazed by that. They expect to fork out for everything.

To me, that's almost like buying me. Well, I'm not for sale.

Men who think flashing money around and driving a fancy car makes them special make my skin crawl. I'm not for sale.

Different strokes and all that.

oops, cross posts hecate.