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Original poster

who pays on the first couple of dates?

180 replies

Anais53 · 23/01/2011 16:21

When you're on dates no. 1 and 2, do you expect the guy to offer to pay? Be it just a drink or a meal?

Had date no. 2 with someone nice last night, date no.1 we'd just been to the pub and shared the rounds, then last night out for a meal. When it came to pay, he said "I'll get this one and then you can pay for the next one". I was mighty unimpressed, didn't say anything just nodded.

I'm all for paying my way and am financially independent but call me old-fashioned, I think it's nice if a guy wants to impress you right at the beginning and doesn't expect you to go dutch. Don't much feel like seeing him again now.

OP posts:
Beamur · 25/01/2011 14:09

I don't think the OP is hung up on cash - I think it's a form of manners/rules that she values.

Original poster
Anais53 · 25/01/2011 15:50

Thank you Beaumur, you've got it EXACTLY. And
"men who think flashing money around and driving a fancy car makes them special make my skin crawl. I'm not for sale" is a sentiment I agree with totally.

BeenBeta, this is what I mean. Manners, chivalry, these things are important to me and I'd be surprised if there was a single woman ut there who doesn't agree with me.

ps have just been on another date, just lunch, and offered to split it. He turned me down flat. I'm seeing him again. And I'll offer to split it again.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 15:57

I am a woman and I don't agree with you. I don't think that 'good manners' means men paying for everything. Even on a first date. In fact, I think it's bad manners to expect that someone will pay your way.

Truckulente · 25/01/2011 16:03

I couldn't be arsed with the game playing, it sounds horrendous

I like the idea of 'chivalry' though, do they turn up in plate armour on a warhorse?

'forsooth fair maiden I will payest for thine meal and then rescue you away to yonder castle'

swallowedAfly · 25/01/2011 16:10

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 16:14

To me, the whole paying for you thing has too many strings. There's too much history to it.

He pays for your food, takes you out, buys you stuff.

He gets sex.

Money for sex = ?

nah. I prefer to pay my own way. Too many men feel that paying for you means paying for you.

Ephiny · 25/01/2011 16:22

I like good manners, but that works both ways and I think it's bad manners to expect someone to pay, and to play games like offering to pay and then getting offended when your offer is accepted. I can't understand why anyone would do that.

I really dislike the whole idea of 'chivalry' and find it very offputting to have people acting in a weird way towards me just because I happen to have been born female. It bothers me (as does a lot of the traditional 'romance' stuff) because it seems the other person is acting based on 'what women like' etc, and seeing me as just an instance of 'generic woman', not as an individual who just happens to be female among other attributes. But then I'm fairly ambivalent about gender in general, I don't think it matters and am a bit baffled by the importance people place on it and how it's expected to colour all these seemingly unrelated interactions like who pays for what.

Ephiny · 25/01/2011 16:23

bad manners to expect someone to always pay for you, I mean.

PigletJohn · 25/01/2011 16:29

+1

Original poster
Anais53 · 25/01/2011 16:31

This has been blown out of all proportion. I was only talking about the first couple of dates FFS!

And what planet are you on Hecate? What you're saying is actually disrespectful to men. A lot of men LIKE to pamper a woman a bit and they're the ones I choose to be with.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 25/01/2011 16:31

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Original poster
Anais53 · 25/01/2011 16:32

And I'm not ambivalent about gender. We can be equal in terms of education, career, life choices etc etc but I for one LOVE the differences between men and women.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 25/01/2011 16:37

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swallowedAfly · 25/01/2011 16:38

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swallowedAfly · 25/01/2011 16:39

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 16:41

disrespectful to men is expecting them to be a walking wallet.

I will never agree with you and tbh, I find it offensive that you claim to speak for all women. with your 'surprise' if there's a single woman who isn't like you.

There are.

ninah · 25/01/2011 16:41

aren't you the poster who wants to be an 'ethical slut'?
I'd guess it would be ethical to pay half

lubeybooby · 25/01/2011 16:42

Sorry not read all of the thread, and I've been coupled up for 8 months now but in my dating days (3 long years of it, urgh) the dating type forums I went on this topic came up often and the general consensus from men as well as women was that the bloke pays.

I would always offer to pay/go dutch/at least pay for drinks from the 2nd/3rd date depending on if I thought it would maybe be a problem for my date or not if I had a rough idea of their income but more often than not they wouldn't let me (not that I would ever fight that hard but y'know)

Current bloke still barely ever lets me pay for anything but he isn't made of money so I still always offer.

Ephiny · 25/01/2011 16:44

I think my feelings about gender are probably quite unusual, but I don't imagine it's that rare to want to be seen as an individual rather than as 'a woman' as though we're all the same? And to have no interest in being treated like a 'lady' or a 'princess' or in dates being 'magical'...

Seems there are a wide range of opinions and preferences on this sort of thing though! Dating must be a real minefield, especially for men, in terms of knowing how to behave and what the 'rules' are. I've always preferred to let relationships develop in a more natural way - would feel very awkward on a formal 'date' with a prospective partner. It must feel like an interview!

ninah · 25/01/2011 16:46

you are not alone epiphany I relate to a lot of what you are saying

swallowedAfly · 25/01/2011 16:56

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BitOfFun · 25/01/2011 16:56

I completely agree with Anais. Totally.

craftynclothy · 25/01/2011 17:16

Do you not worry you might be missing out on a lovely guy just because he struggled to know what to expect Confused.

I would expect a guy to pay on the first date (though I would offer to split it) and I'd expect to pay on the second date if he'd paid first time. Yet when I went on my first date with (now) dh, when the bill arrived he looked at it and said "I'll just work out your half" Shock. After splitting the bill on the first couple of dates I said to him "Would you not prefer us to alternate paying for meals then we each get a turn at being treated to a meal out iyswim?" so we switched to that. I'm v glad I didn't just ditch him.

Mumcentreplus · 25/01/2011 17:23

hmmmm...If I was still dating if I liked you I would allow you to buy me dinner/drinks Wink.

I quite like a man who offers to buy... but I have no issues with paying or going dutch

SunRaysthruClouds · 25/01/2011 17:25

'A prize to be won' etc etc
I've just clicked where I have heard all this before. My x-ish MIL, married 3 times, treats men with contempt. very lonely now. (but I'm sure that's not relevant here Smile )

My feeling is that if you click with someone (and you ought to know when, if you are not worrying about chivalry etc) none of this will matter a toss. Because you'll both see the absurdity of it all.