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Original poster

who pays on the first couple of dates?

180 replies

Anais53 · 23/01/2011 16:21

When you're on dates no. 1 and 2, do you expect the guy to offer to pay? Be it just a drink or a meal?

Had date no. 2 with someone nice last night, date no.1 we'd just been to the pub and shared the rounds, then last night out for a meal. When it came to pay, he said "I'll get this one and then you can pay for the next one". I was mighty unimpressed, didn't say anything just nodded.

I'm all for paying my way and am financially independent but call me old-fashioned, I think it's nice if a guy wants to impress you right at the beginning and doesn't expect you to go dutch. Don't much feel like seeing him again now.

OP posts:
Stangirl · 24/01/2011 13:55

I'm in my 40s and my friends and I always comment how we've never been on dates- it seemed that with us you just met blokes through friends who you started drinking with and then moved on to shagging if you liked them. Going out for meals and whatnot came much further down the line and by then you'd take it in turns as we were mostly on the same financial footing. So - I'm always baffled by talk of dates and who should pay - it just never occurred with me. I would actually be offended if a man wouldn't let me pay my way but grateful if he offered to pay now and again.

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 24/01/2011 14:23

When i first met my DH he paid for everything. Within 3 weeks of meeting me, he took me to Blackpool and paid for hotel, food, tickets into Pleasure Beach, everything on the piers, dinner the next day :)

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 24/01/2011 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILikeMilk · 24/01/2011 14:50

Blackpool? are you still together? :)

ILikeMilk · 24/01/2011 14:51

And why exactly people think that if a guy buys you a dinner you "owe" him something after that? If you buy a dinner for your best friend do you expect sex after that?

BooBooGlass · 24/01/2011 14:53

Yes, clearly going out to dinner with friends is a well known precursor to a rampant orgy Hmm

DepartmentOfCountingTheMoon · 24/01/2011 15:00

No but if you buy dinner for your best friend would you be happy for her to expect you to then always pay for dinner just so that she can feel wanted? Would you feel happy if she then felt feel less of you because you suggested that she pays once in a while or that you split the bill?

ILikeMilk · 24/01/2011 15:02

Well, it also depends on OPs situation. With my ex husband we always split the bill as we were students when we first met. When I met DH2, I was a single mum, he was a successful professional, so naturally he paid for everything as I could not really afford weekends in Paris or expensive restaurants. But I did pay for drinks sometimes or got him little presents, but never ever paid for a meal or a hotel. It would feel like taling money avay from DS.

ILikeMilk · 24/01/2011 15:03

Department, if I insisted on going to places where she cannot afford a dinner, I wont have a problem paying her way. (Provided I did invite her there in the first place)

Ephiny · 24/01/2011 15:07

Stangirl, it's been the same for me actually - my first 'date' (i.e. just the two of us going out together for dinner/drinks) with DP came after we'd, erm, established our relationship. I always thought a period of formal 'dating' (like 'interviewing' prospective partners) was a more American thing.

DepartmentOfCountingTheMoon · 24/01/2011 15:15

Who said anything about "insisted"?

nogreatexpectations · 24/01/2011 15:59

A guy I dated years ago invited me to go out for the day withn a few weeks of meeting. I had no idea what to expect but ended up flying to Belgium in a private jet, had a lovely meal and flew back. I am very bloody glad he didn't suggest we go halves!

LoveInAColdClimate · 24/01/2011 16:01

I would have read that as being a round-about way of asking you for a third date, TBH - and probably also trying not to offend you by suggesting you were incapable of paying! I think if you both earn similar money then it can be slightly awkward if a guy pays for everything on the first few dates... when do you decide to stop doing that and split it? It's hardly fair if he's still paying the full bill 6 months on...

LoveInAColdClimate · 24/01/2011 16:03

OTOH I haven't been on a date for so long that I may be slightly forgetful about how I used to feel about it! I am still very touched when DH pays for a meal out out of his own account rather than on our joint account, which is what we normally do.

StarlightPrincess · 24/01/2011 16:09

My DP has always paid for everything for me from day one, he's quite traditional in that way. Oh and he's 23 by the way, so it's not an age thing either!

BeenBeta · 24/01/2011 16:21

Anais53 - which century are you living in?

I am a bloke and frankly dont get where you are coming from at all. He offered to pay for the meal and neatly and politley avoided the issue that you might be offended by his offering.

I do NOT get the 'he has to pursue me' nonsense. How about you pursue him? You are not some prize to be won.

lucielooo · 24/01/2011 16:22

depends on who did the asking.. if they asked you then they're asking to take you out, therefore they should pay.

splitting the bill can be awkward so I'd rather one or the other of us did it. Perhaps he was just saying 'and you get the next one' because after you split drinks on the first date he didn't want to come over all partriarchal?

wubblybubbly · 24/01/2011 17:02

I just don't get the 'if he asked, he pays' business.

I would refuse a date (well married now anyway but ykwim) if I couldn't afford to pay my own way.

Just the same as if my mates asked me on a night out. No cash, no go.

QuickLookBusy · 24/01/2011 17:17

I feel sorry for men in this situation. I bet some of them don't know what to say, incase they get it wrong!

Just take the reactions on here, they are very mixed.

kepler10b · 24/01/2011 17:18

YABU. why should he pay for everything? he's only just met you? unless he is absolutely stinking rich (or you are), i think it's fair enough for both parties to contribute.

good tactic on his side i would say....weedling out the annoying women who think a pair of tits means they shouldn't put their hands in their handbag.

longweight · 24/01/2011 17:27

All the dates I've been on have insisted on paying for dinner, I would then pay for the bulk of the drinks unless they make a fuss in which case I just go with it.

I would always expect these things to be fair but I hate the 'no I'll get this, no I will' bit so will back down rather than have the prolonged discussion.

If a man invited me to and chose a very expensive restaurant then suggested we go dutch I wouldnt be impressed as it would signify that he hasn't taken my circumstances into account which would appear thoughless.

Melty · 24/01/2011 17:43

Geez, I always offer to pay my way. 50% of the time its accepted, but I'm never offended if it is. Very few people have money to pay for 2 people on every night out.

My brother told me once he used to take out a big wodge of cash out of the bank idiotwhen going on a date. (Not to spend all of it, mor to eb able to "flash the cash") He would have all his rent money in there too. I can imagine someone going all google eyed thinking they were on to a good thing. Appearances can be deceptive.

EHowever once I went on a date with a bloke who seemed very nice through a haze of mohitos so we swapped numbers. We agreed to go for drinks and the cinema (his suggestion). I bought the drinks, there was only time for one round, then we went into the cinema and queued for tickets. He stuck his hand out to me for my share whilst paying.
I gave it to him, but didnt see him again.

Partly because he really was a bit of an ass, but also because he stuck his paw out for the money!

I think I might have been less offended if he hadnt been such an ass. (Maybe)

I think you often get a good sense of a person on a first date, and your intuition may well tell you something is not right. Your awake brain may see it as being tight with money as its the only "visible" thing IYSWIM, but your subconscious picks up all the non verbal cues too. So you dont feel comfortable and the only reason you can put your finger on is "tight with money".

Does that make sense? I think I know what I mean. Smile

jugglingjo · 24/01/2011 18:08

I think the way to go with it is broadly equal, but slightly casual ie. I couldn't be counting out every penny on everything, but I'd want us to both be contributing, splitting bills for meals, taking turns buying drinks

  • although bars can be slightly male dominated and mildly intimidating for women. So man could buy drinks, woman could pay bus fare or whatever.

Think I'll definitely be giving DD1 more advice on this than I ever got. Can be not nice to feel you owe a guy something. But if you ever start feeling like that it'd be time to say goodbye anyway !

witches · 24/01/2011 18:26

I would offer but not expect the man to take me up on it!
The first few dates should be about them treating you like a lady, and yes i know very old fashioned but I do think a man should be a man and a woman a woman. Down the line start splitting things but keep a bit of magic at start - I don't know many men who wouldn't pay on a first date.

BooBooGlass · 24/01/2011 18:42

But why on earth would you offer if you don't intend to actually carry through with paying? Game playing in the extreme imo

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