who pays on the first couple of dates?

[Anais53]

When you're on dates no. 1 and 2, do you expect the guy to offer to pay? Be it just a drink or a meal?

Had date no. 2 with someone nice last night, date no.1 we'd just been to the pub and shared the rounds, then last night out for a meal. When it came to pay, he said "I'll get this one and then you can pay for the next one". I was mighty unimpressed, didn't say anything just nodded.

I'm all for paying my way and am financially independent but call me old-fashioned, I think it's nice if a guy wants to impress you right at the beginning and doesn't expect you to go dutch. Don't much feel like seeing him again now.

"I think it's nice if a guy wants to impress you right at the beginning and doesn't expect you to go dutch."

"It would just spoil the next date, knowing he expects me to pay so I'm getting cold feet."

Do you realise just how money-grabbing this makes you sound? Are you only impressed by a man if he splashes the cash around? What if he's a perfectly nice man but just doesn't have that much money? Does that give you cold feet too?

This doesn't make you sound old-fashioned so much as shallow.

You should have insisted you pay your share then OP.

You can't have it both ways. It's you who sounds tight tbh.

Perhaps he said it to make you feel comfortable about him paying. You know, if he's previously been out with women who are genuinely into paying their own way as opposed to "old fashioned".

I always paid for myself on the first few dates (and the few after that).

Does someone paying for you impress you? Weird.

"and CHRYSANTHEMUS blimy you are so precious but still think that a man buying you a dinner means he must have something in return? how cheap"

Sorry - you misunderstand.

I personally don't think that a man should get something in return after a date.

But some men do think that, someone mentioned it on a previous posting.

So just to avoid the whole "I paid for your dinner, you owe me" scenario which is highly unpleasant, offering to go halves would not only pay for my meal, which is fair, but would also head that distasteful scenario off at the pass.

But ty for the precious comment :)

to avoid the whole "I paid for your dinner, you owe me" scenario .... I would suggest not to go out with such idiots in the first place

you welcome and sorry anyway if I misunderstood

or rather

to avoid the whole "I paid for your dinner, I owe YOU" scenario

True - but you don't always know they're idiots till half way through the date, or sometimes the end, when they escort you home, then expect to be invited in!!

On our first date I deliberately came in my own car and didn't drink all night so as to avoid that also!

I would have been put off by it as well, it would feel like you are out with a work mate or friend or something, not a romantic date.
That isn't how you woo someone.

Going dutch is perfectly ok btw, I guess it depends on the situation.

He goes to pay, you say, "Let me get half,"

He replies:

a) "You can get the next one," if he wants to see you again.

b) "OK," if he doesn't.

-unless he's really impecunious, in which case you insist on paying at least your share.

Mind you, it's nearly 20 years since I had a first date.

Why is it the man's job to woo the woman? Do you simper behind a fluttering fan? And what does money have to do with wooing anyway?

I'd much rather someone treated me as a grown-up and was open and honest. Someone who insists on always paying would make me feel like a paid escort rather than as a potential romantic partner.

I would simply enjoy being wooed. I am a good wooer myself as well. :)

My friend told me about a 3rd date she went on recently. The guy picked the restaurant, a really expensive one. She said the date went well but when the bill came, she offered to go halves out of politeness and he accepted! I don't think it's very good manners to invite someone to an expensive restaurant that they didn't choose and then let them pay for half the meal. It's not always as simple as 'split everything down the middle, fair's fair'. Where's the chivalry and the romance in that? There's definitely a subtle ettiquette to that kind of thing.

OP, I actually think it was really bad manners of him to say that. It makes him seem cheap and I agree with the posters that said it made it seem like he was keeping tabs already. 'My turn/your turn', etc.

On dates, I always offer to go halves and if my date insists on picking up the bill, I always say I'll get the next one, or I'll buy the post-dinner drinks round.

He should have given you the chance to offer, that would have been the polite thing to do. Also, it would have given him a chance to see whether you'd show yourself up as a money grubbing gold-digger . Now he'll never know because he's already dictated who pays for the next meal.

If a guy said that to me on a date, I would be offended and put off. I don't think YABU.

"She said the date went well but when the bill came, she offered to go halves out of politeness and he accepted! I don't think it's very good manners to invite someone to an expensive restaurant that they didn't choose and then let them pay for half the meal."

But neither is it good manners to offer to pay half and then feel affronted when that offer is accepted. That makes you seem cheap.

Department, yes I know what you mean.

Just reading my original post back, I realised I forgot to include the crucial bit which was that when the bill came, rather than just saying 'I'll get this', he asked her whether they should split it. Her point was that she's not averse in principal to going dutch but it was rude of him to ask. Especially since he picked the restaurant.

Sorry, I should have included that in my first post because that kind of changes the whole story!

Whoever invites should pay. After that, alternate.

I like "I'll get this, you can get the next one"

It's a nice way to show that he's hoping for another date. Maybe the last girl he took out felt that men insisting on paying was patronising, and so he's showing that he doesn't think you are incapable of paying or that it's in some way wrong for a woman to pay.

I don't see the problem, sounds like it was just a way of saying he'd like to go out with you again!

I agree it's offputting if someone (regardless of gender) seems to be keeping tabs on exactly who paid for what down to the last penny, but I think it's a bit soon to assume that's what he's like just because of the above comment.

OP who/where did you meet this guy?

If I may try to put the bloke's point of view (I am one)- much progress has been made in the equality stakes but that does make it quite difficult for men at times, as we are almost always the ones (or at least we feel that we are) who have to decide what is going to happen about this kind of thing. We generally have to make some kind of suggestion or offer, and try to make it the right one. In the days when men always paid (I'm not sure I'm old enough to remember it really) there was no problem; you just paid, but now we have to decide whether an offer to pay for everything will seem insulting (and sometimes it doesn't go down well at all) or whether a proper gallant picking up of the bill would be just the ticket. It really isn't necessarily about the actual cost.

Personally if I had chosen the venue I would be aiming to pay for everything, but I would be looking for signs as to whether this was an acceptable idea. I don't know the circumstances of this particular date but I can imagine the "you can pay next time" might be a way of saying "I'm paying for this but I want to treat you as an equal". But possibly an ill-judged one.

I think first couple of dates he should pay, IF you are doing the whole trad thing. Which I like.

Later on you open doors for each other, and take turns paying for nights out, but in the early stages I am much more impressed by a guy if he is willing and able to pay for us both to have a lovely time.

I think it's nice for a man to offer to may.

It has been a long-time since I was single, but on the very few dates I ever went on (met my husband at 20), I always offered to go dutch. I liked it when the man offered to pay, even though I still paid my half. When I was younger I used to like to pay my half, so that I never felt obliged towards my date. This seems silly now, but it was important to me at the time.

A friend of mine recently went on a date with a barrister. The bill came in at a reasonable £30, and he'd had the more expensive items on the menu. He put in his £15 and then passed the bill to her, and she paid the remainder and tip. My friend was so disgruntled, she never went on a second date with him!!

Another man's perspective: I agree with prism. I think you lot are analysing to much. It is difficult - I atarted dating again in Nov after 25 years. All a bit uncertain tbh - the 'rules' have changed. So he was trying to be manly without being insulting.
As you all know we (men) don't always know what's going on in the female mind so have to tread carefully.
And perhaps OP if this is a sensitive subject for you, you could have made your views clearer from the outset.

Chivalry ffs.
For crying out loud.

OP... do you think that he might have been a bit embarrassed when it got to the bill? I ask because when I'm out with my Mum, we're like those old ladies on all the comedy shows... "put your purse away, I'll do it", "no, I will", ad nauseum for ten minutes.

It's hard to know what to think about the date etiquette for the noughties because the goal posts have changed - neither men nor women act the way they used to so there is just an air of unease and the unknown on things like this.

Mind you, I'm absolutely convinced that it's the guy's job to propose... but I guess you're a way away from that. Good luck! :)