who pays on the first couple of dates?

[Anais53]

When you're on dates no. 1 and 2, do you expect the guy to offer to pay? Be it just a drink or a meal?

Had date no. 2 with someone nice last night, date no.1 we'd just been to the pub and shared the rounds, then last night out for a meal. When it came to pay, he said "I'll get this one and then you can pay for the next one". I was mighty unimpressed, didn't say anything just nodded.

I'm all for paying my way and am financially independent but call me old-fashioned, I think it's nice if a guy wants to impress you right at the beginning and doesn't expect you to go dutch. Don't much feel like seeing him again now.

Crikey. I'm a man who's been on a few dates over the years and things like the woman offering to pay but then being offended if I accept the offer strikes me as bizarre. I'm utterly uninterested in passive-aggressive "saying one thing while meaning the opposite" crap. I mean, we're all grown-ups, yes? What's with all the game-playing?

Sure, whomever asked for the date should offer to pay and the other can choose to offer to split it or not. But if you make an offer like that then at least be prepared to back it up with good grace. After that then take it in turns, split it, whatever. It's the expectation that I find distasteful.

A woman with the attitude that I should pay just because I've got a Y-chromosome would, to be frank, put me right off. I've been on a few dates with people like that and I end up feeling like little more than a walking wallet.

If I ever get to the point where I feel I have to buy someone's company for an evening out then that's it, I'm staying single.

Sorry. I dont normally say things like this but blokes who pay for everything on dates expect something in return - and that is not an obligation anyone should put themselves under.

IKWYM BeenBeta.

I think some blokes also do it because by throwing lots of money around they hope to impress their date very quickly in an effort to sweep her off her feet before she's got to know the real person.

For example, (and I hope this isn't regarded as bad form) wasn't there an MN poster last year who got swept off her feet by a very wealthy individual - flash car, private jet, the whole works - and who turned out to be more than a bit of a shit to her?

I'm not keen on going 50/50, think it's much nicer to take it in turns so each of you gets to feel you are treating the other

This is about someone who on the second date said, I'll pay tonight and you can pay for the next one, right?

so person "A" appears to have paid for dates 1 and 2

If person A then continues to pay on date 3, there would be a pattern emerging, wouldn't there.

Is it a good idea to get into the habit that person "A" always pays and person "B" always doesn't?

Is it possible that person "A" might have previously been on dates with people who were sponging parasites, and might have had enough of them? So perhaps wanted to be clear before it became embarressing or caused offence?

What a mixed bag of replies, thank you! You don't get it at all BeenBeta, I AM a prize to be won and if a man doesn't care about impressing me, he can take a running jump! Viviandarkbloom echoes my sentiments exactly.
Men and women are not the same and I like a guy to be masculine in the early stages. Someone who is keeping tabs at the beginning makes me lose all interest so am not seeing him again.

And am as far removed from a gold-digger as you can imagine, I've never relied on a man to support me and have worked bloody hard to be financially independent.

I'd expect man to pay first 2 dates, first would probably just be drinks and the second dinner. If we were getting on I'd probably then ask him round for a meal, perhaps with friends first time, then alone and I'd really show off my cooking skills, then we would be an item and go halves, or pay alternate times.

I think he was simply using the line to ensure another date... Without saying "so can we go out again?"

I declare myself gobsmacked!

I admit it was 1984 when I was actually on a '1st date' but reading this thread its like time has gone backwards since then.

You are "prize to be won"! What fecking century do you live in in your world! Keeping tabs? You mean you want him to pay!

You've been out twice. Maybe he isn't rolling in it. I would have taken a comment like "you pay next time" to mean that he likes me and there will be next time. Instead YOU decided that makes him unmasculine and mean. Jeezus.....

My Mum has just recently started dating again at 62. She insists on paying her way on a first date. That way she doesn't feel guilty if she never wants to see them again

Do you keep a note of how much cash was spent?

It's obvious that you both have different ideas of what "should" happen...so maybe you're both better off without each other :)

"I AM a prize to be won and if a man doesn't care about impressing me, he can take a running jump!"

By taking that attitude you're making yourself seem less like a prize to be won and more like a commodity to be bought.

I wouldn't bother with that, snorbs... I know people like this... she will never understand this view.
If she does, then I would be absolutely

As Churchill once said, "Now we are haggling about the price".

I'm amazed at how many 'old fashioned' ideals (and some double standards) are being aired here!
I'd take the original comment to be both a 'is there a next date?' comment but also a way of paying (and being the 'gentleman') but also allowing you to pay your way next time, as many people do on dates - personally I like to pay my share, and yes, it's nice when you have a thoughtful and generous date/partner. But I find the idea that you think a man has to impress you by paying for everything is really odd and rather materialistic.
My ex (not for this reason) actually managed to get me to pay for our first date. I was a bit surprised and slightly shocked, but I liked his cheekiness and it was refreshing and different.

Actually he's very well paid and has no dependents.

I paid for half the drinks on the first date.
I like it when men make an effort in the beginning.

I like it when a man opens the door for me.
I like it when he compliments me on how I look.

It took all the romance out of it when he said I could pay next time.

It's 2011.

Good for you then. You'll be better off with someone who will meet your expectations.

And he will be better off with someone else as well.

I agree with those who say they like paying on first dates.

When I was single if the man didn't offer I would almost certainly not have gone on a second date because we wouldn't have been compatible - I am quite traditional and I think a man should have to work a bit (and I don't mean just by paying for things).

If I wasn't interested in him though I would never let him pay for everything because then I think it is leading them on and it is definitely unfair.

So much for equality! I am starting to think about that thread that says men are screwed from the cradle in a whole different light now.

And remember that this guy DID offer, and DID pay. He said in a nice jokey manner to alleviate guilt/ease sensibilities "you can get the next one". But no, he has to pay and keep ON paying apparently. Otherwise he is "unmasculine"! FFS.

Anais, I would not bother with another date with that guy then, he sounds like he is not for you.

Portofino, he doesn't have to go on paying at all - that's not the point! I would always pay my way after the first couple of dates. My last boyfriend was less well off than me and I had no problem paying for weekends away or whatever.

But he made the effort to treat me on the first couple of dates (we just went to inexpensive places and that was fine) and that's what mattered.

I feel the same way Anais, I am happy to pay my way, I just don't like being told to. Go and find someone who is more like you, there are plenty about.