Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Do you really want to marry someone with whom you have no sexual chemistry?

Thanks for responding. Do you think sexual chemistry is so important? Doesn't it often fade away after a couple of years anyway?

What a difficult place to be in.

You need to separate the issues.

Firstly, how you feel about your fiance. Do you love him enough to sort through the issue of not finding him attractive? The spark stage doesn't always last v long, but attraction is important.

Do you want a life together with your fiance, would you miss him if you split or would you happily get together with someone else. how important are all the good bits about him?

Only then can you work through how you feel about the guy who makes you feel so good. Is it just because you don't like sex with your dp, or because you are bored or scared of commitment?

I would not be getting married until I knew that this was what I wanted for life. A wedding is fantastic but a divorce is painful and even more expensive

Sexual chemistry is really important MMB. It doesn't matter how nice your fiance is, your relationship will always be difficult if there is no spark.

Eaglewings, I think you are spot on. I'm finding it hard to know what I think and feel. It seems to be a situation I can't think my way out of. I'm worried I'm trying to sabotage my own happiness.

Bideyin, that's the weird thing. Our relationship is not difficult at all. We get on brilliantly, are extremely close and never argue.

"Do you want a life together with your fiance, would you miss him if you split or would you happily get together with someone else. how important are all the good bits about him?"
Can I just put another perspective on that question? How would you feel if you split with your fiancee and were on your own for a while? You shouldn't be making decisions about your relationship based on an expectation of getting together with someone else. In fact I would argue in favour of planning to be on your own for at least a little while before committing to another relationship.

I think your fiance sounds lovely.

My x was very good looking but he turned out to be a real arse. Have been on my own for 4 years now and I'd love a man like your fiance. Obviously I would need to want to have sex with him!!! but he wouldn't need to make me lose my mind! In fact, that butterflies stuff makes me nervous, makes me feel like I'm losing control of my mind.

But if you marry feeling that it's not right, then you'll probably end up divorced anyway....

But when you have kids you need a kind decent man more than you need a good looking 'sexy' man. And your fiance isn't boring is he? is he good company??

ANd what about the other man? has he come forward and said 'we should be together'..... or is it just sober silence.

Myleetlepony that is a good point

MMB,

what a difficult position you find yourself in.

My advice would be to evaluate your relationship fully, taking the other man completely out of the equation.

Can you really see yourself marrying this man and living you life with him for many, many years. Do you see him as the best you could possibly get?

Have the two of you spoken about having children? Do you want to have children with a man you don't have the spark with?

"Do you think sexual chemistry is so important? Doesn't it often fade away after a couple of years anyway?" - No it doesn't. I have been with my DH 5 years (ok not as long as some) but I still fancy the pants off him as much today as when I met him. Sexual chemistry and excitement and spontaneity are very important IMO.

Myleetlepony, to answer your question, I would really struggle with that although I completely agree with you. This is a pattern for me. I have two typical behaviours when it comes to ending relationships (and I've always been the one to end them)... the first is that I leave a man because I want to be with another man. The second is I leave a bad relationship, fall into a massive depression and then I'll be with someone else in a matter of weeks or months, before I've picked myself up again properly.

While I can forgive the teenage/early 20s me for this crappy behaviour, I feel I should have grown out of it and, having recognised how unhealthy it is, make a concious effort to change.

But I fear that if I left with my fiance I would end up with the other man.

X posts - I was also going to ask the same as Valium. Is your DH boring? Do you have brilliant, interesting conversations? And have the ability to sit in absolute silence with each other but not be bored?

You say you never argue? You always agree with absolutely everything the other says?

Your situation sounds a lot like mine a few years ago.
I was jumping from one bad relationship to the next then along came someone totally different. He pursued me and we got engaged.

I finally ended it because I just didn't fancy him and it wasn't fair on him. I'm now able to be single and don't need a relationship, a much healthier position to be in for finding a good one.

There is an argument that butterflies in the tummy are caused by the 'bad boy' types and never knowing where you stand with them, rather than love.

I very strongly disagree with people who say that "people are too hung up on the spark". A wedding is not just one amazing day in your life, it is forsaking all others.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you are having doubts about whether you should marry him or not, I personally don't think you should. Don't do what people think you should do, do what YOU think you should do.

So glad I asked for advice here. You may not know me, but this advice is actually better and more thoughtful than the advice my friends would be able to give. Thank you.

VST,I share your thoughts. My fiance is not only brilliant company, he is hugely iintelligent, emotionally open, an absolute rock, pulls his weight round the house... the list goes on. I know, lucky me. I feel we do have a spark in terms of our friendship - it really is just the sex thing I think (and I don't hate sex with him - just don't really want it).

In that case, could anything else be affecting your sex drive - contraceptive pill? Fear of intimacy? It is just him you don't want or sex generally?

Saying we never argue was not strictly accurate. There are two things here, being completely honest. One is he panders to me quite a lot because he is utterly besotted. But equally, I don't take advantage of this and always consider him. Secondly, we are both very self-reflective people and have a great ability to talk about our emotions, why situations have upset us and why we've fallen out and we can practically always resolve things calmly. Oh god, other man has just sent me a facebook message (all this happened last night).

Why would being with the other man be something to fear? Does he have negative characteristics?

You say your fiance would make a great dad. Becoming parents involves sex and some couples have to have a lot of sex to get pregnant. How do you feel about having sex with him every other night for months?

Given your last post OP it seems you need to put behind you your friendship with the other guy and concentrate only on your dp and working through the issues you have with him.

It is possible to rekindle and grow the sexual feelings for a partner but it can't be done if someone else is in your mind.

Talk to you dp about wanting to change your sex life, he may have some thoughts on the issue too! Look on the Internet, buy a book, find a councillor (for lots of good reasons not just sex) and work out if you can save what could be the best relationship you could ever hope to have.

If having done this you know it won't work then split, but not by getting together with someone else.

Nurseblade, I have struggled with my sex drive before and some of my relationships have ended partly because of arguments over sex. I am on the pill and have wondered about that. Don't think I have fear of intimacy - but I lost my virginity at a young age and sometimes wondered if this affected me negatively.

Choux, the reason I said "fear" was that I'm trying to break out of old patterns of behaviour - the other man does not have negative characteristics as far as I know and my brother speaks extremely highly of him.

Choux - have thought about the sex thing. At the moment we manage prob twice a month - he would like every day. Twice a month is not good for baby making - we'd have to step it up, I think I would struggle.

I think the things you have wit your Fiancee are far more important than sex...when looking at someone as a potetial life partner there are FAR more to consider than sex.

Having the same humour and plans..the same hopes and interests...if you have chidren this is when these things really come into play (and sex often goes out of the window!)

Eaglewings, we had a good talk about sex in the summer but haven't discussed it for a while. We are very open with each other and try to be honest but the one thing I can't say to him is that I don't find him very physically attractive because he is quite overweight.

Also... what if the other guy is The One!!!??? Hahahahahaha I'm being naive aren't I?

Thanks dogfish, that's a really interesting perspective.

There is no way of saying this that is not gonig to sound strange, paradoxical and actually arrogant but... I think perhaps I have always underestimated my own attractiveness. The way I see myself does not seem to match up with how others see me. I see myself as very average looking, with average intelligence, average personality etc. But sometimes it becomes clear to me that others see me as a lot more than average. Looking back, I don't think my fiance could believe his luck. There have been many comments made by others about "punching above his weight" etc that I have dismissed as ridiculous. I have always said, he is kind, intelligent, great to talk to etc and the "leagues" (out of his league etc) people talk about are shallow rubbish.

This is me being honest, I know I sound absoultely horrible. But when I look back I have been out with some real misfits and weirdos and actually I am quite normal and nice. Sometimes my friends and family have been appalled by my choices.

Have you considered talking to your fiance about the situation? He sounds a mature and considerate person.

Rather than blundering into an affair with the Bad Boy and breaking DF's heart by cheating on him (and losing the good opinion of your friends and family) you could put your cards on the table, tell him you are struggling and ask what he thinks about it. Yes it would be difficult and hurtful but not as bad as the alternatives.

I admire you for pausing to reflect rather than rushing headlong into an affair actually.

And DON'T start a bit of Facebook banter with the Bad Boy, until/unless you are available to do so.