Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

The OM (who yes I am facebook stalking and have been for 2 months now since I met him but who I have also cut of contact with in terms of private messages etc) is both relevant and irreleant:

Relevant: through knowing him for teh past couple of months and through what happened on Friday, I have come to realise the elements of myself I have shut down. Not just my sexuality but other aspects of my personality that have just died. Through knowing this other man I have felt opened up to myself and the world again - I guess that's what people mean when they say someone make them feel 'alive'. I think it is very important and relevant that I felt this.

Irrelevant: this man is just out of a five year r'ship - I think with the girl he has been in love with since sixth form (although he's 28). Interestingly he was still in a relationship with her the night I first met him, but they broke up straight after. (He said they'd been trying to break up for a year.) I get the impression he is floundering around trying to get into a rebound relationship asap and with those sorts of issues plus my own issues, I am just not stupid enough to go there with him. You really have to beleive me that I am strong enough to not act on something I know is such a bad idea.

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it (get married that is). If you feel like this now, without being up all night with the kids, you aint gonna feel it. You're a long time married and if you don't want sex with your husband, you will might want to start seeking it elsewhere. The sexual side of your personality and self is a very important part. I talk from experience - don't do it. Don't do it to him, or yourself.

OP- I have sent you a PM. In short- stop and don't do it.

I'm really sorry for all my typos by the way - I can spell really. Just getting a bit frenetic with my posting.

I just met my friend for "lunch" (not that I can actually eat or sleep :( ) - she is going to put me up. I wanted to talk to her as she has been in a similar position.

However, she got back with her partner after an affair and break up.

She doesn't have sex with her partner - he is squeamish about it, which I think led her to have the affair.

However, her point of view now is that she has come to terms with the sex thing and that it's a "compromise". They've been together about 7 or 8 years.

This is the second friend I've told and they've both been pro me staying with fiance and compromsing. My generation have been fed a lot about compromising I think. A lot about not expecting fireworks, the "knight on a white horse" and happily ever after/Hollywood endings. These are women in their 20s - they are both in bad r'ships imho. The one I told yesterday (my BF who I've known all my life) is on the verge of a break up but has been throughout her whole r'ship really.

Ugh. Depressed and re-confused.

My friends are fab but very much projecting their own stuff on to my situation. Which is why I am so grateful for the advice I'm getting here, especially as some of you are older than me and that's important as I don't have older women friends.

But my friend is nice to put me up and that's a big relief. She is also threatening to feed me later :)

Hi MMB.
Another one who agrees that you really shouldn't get married under these circumstances.

As my name indicates, I am a longterm poster who has namechanged for this - I think I love my DH but the sex is not particularly good. Thankfully, I don't have a huge sex drive and neither does he - but I really really don't feel like sex with him, and even he thinks that after we have our next child (fingers crossed) that we may never have sex again. Because that is partly driven by my low sex drive, I don't mind that much; but having good sex once in a while would be nice! I might be more inclined if it was good - but it isn't. It never really was, but while my libido was more normal, I didn't mind so much - now I feel like I'm forcing myself to have crap sex, as I'm not even getting anything from it when I do give in.

I have seen several posters before in your situation but several years into the marriage - and nothing has ever got better.
I can't see my own situation getting better either unless we go to some kind of sex counsellor (and I really don't think I could bear it) or DH gets lessons "elsewhere" (which I'm not keen on either)

The difference for me is that we did have the spark, I know I was in love with him as well as loving him (they are two different feelings) and he is my best friend and father of our DC. If anything, I fear that he will have the affair because I am unwilling; but I don't think he would - not yet, anyway.

You are so young still - you have plenty of time to find someone else, honestly. Your DF isn't the only decent man in the world, there are others - but you DO need a man-free space, to work out who you are when you are single - to build your self-confidence as a single woman and then find the right man for you.

I agree it's not all about the spark - the worst relationships I had was the one with the most spark - but it is an important feature and you will grow increasingly resentful, whether overtly or covertly; to say nothing of the chances of you finding solace elsewhere OR totally denying your own feelings and living a lie for the rest of your life.

I have a schoolfriend who married at vast expense; but she was already aware of an attraction to a co-worker. Within a year of her marriage, and before all the debts were fully paid off from it, she had left her DH and was with the co-worker, with whom she had 3 DC and is still with now.

Call off the wedding. It's a hassle but far less of a hassle than trying to go through with it, knowing that you feel this way.

And, tbh, I don't think that it's such a nice thing for your DF to say "you're so fickle but I love you anyway" - and he does sound a bit desperate to keep you at any cost. If he does get to "keep you", he might make you pay for it later in subtle but unpleasant ways. Even if he doesn't - do you really want to be married to someone who is like an eager puppy, doing anything to get just a smidgen of love? Where is HIS self-respect?

I think you have been very brave and done the right thing in telling him the honest truth - and I hope that he understands eventually why you had to do it and lets you go without too much rancour.

But go you must - I do believe that.

But you are not your feinds.
What works for them may not work for you.

In some ways it might help you to talk toa counsellor who is impartial.

There is compromise and compromise.

You might compromise over things like you love curry and he prefers fish and chips. Or you are a morning person and he is an owl. Or you love reading and he prefers swimming.

But over sex? No. It is too fundemental.

The fact that you are posting should tell you that the answer is no- do not go ahead. When you marry you should feel 100% sure that it is right. That's not to say you wear rose colured specs and can see no faults- but it means you are sure of your feelings.

Stop fooling yourself. Stop trying to reationalise what is an emotional reaction. Listen to your heart.

Cabbageroses - laughing at your idea of compromise compared to my friends'. Me and my fiance compromise on all that small stuff too! We have few shared interests.

Thanks for the PM - have replied :)

MMB - your post brought back so many memories for me. At 26 years old I had just (finally !) left a hideous, abusive relationship. I met a man who was everything my ex wasn't. He was lovely, worshipped me, very safe, secure, stable. Everything I felt the perfect "forever" man should be. We got on fine. Never argued. He was actually a good looking man (tall, rugby type) but I just didn't fancy him and sex was a real chore.

He proposed, we planned this big wedding. I got on fantastically well with his family and his MIL, in particular, was really lovely and very involved in the wedding planning. I started to get doubts but just convinced myself that I wasn't allowing myself to fall head of heels in love, because I'd done that before and I had been so hurt. I convinced myself the way I was feeling was normal. We had the big wedding and I remember lying on a sun lounger on our honeymoon thinking there was no way I could spend the next 50 years+ with this man. I was bored silly.

I started getting closer to another man. It was someone I had been friends/colleagues with for 8 years. Nothing "happened" (although I suspect it might have been called an emotional affair on mn). He just made me realise that what I had with my H was not enough. Being nice and safe and stable was not enough. I left my marriage after 18 months. I hurt my ex h and he really didn't deserve it but it should never have got to that stage

Sorry for the long post but your situation really rang so many bells with me... I hope you make the right decision for you both

MMB - none of us here can or should tell you what to do, but you know what, it is so hard to stand by and watch someone making a huge mistake.

When you friends told you about their situation - did you think 'Yes, that's what I want :)' or did you think 'WTF is she doing?' ??

You have ONE life, it's not a trial run. You have the right to feel alive, to feel like you, to be happy.

You are YOUNG, you might not feel like it (as I said earlier at 3-4 years younger than you I didn't!), but I'm 40 now - you are young, whether you feel it or not.

I don't know what else to say to make you open your eyes - you don't have to 'settle' or 'compromise' to this degree & neither does he - he just can't see it now. It wouldn't suprise me either if you split up and he's married within a year - that's what he wants, it's not really you (sorry to be so harsh).

There are so many women on here who have been in less than fulfilling relationships and after a messy separation/divorce (often quite a few years older than you and a couple of kids in tow) have found someone who makes them realise how shit their other relationships were - you deserve that and right now you have the advantage of doing that without kids, because no matter how much you love them, starting a new relationship with kids is much harder than without and that's not even taking into consideration having the time (& babysitting money) to meet men.

Just because your friends are currently choosing to 'compromise' doesn't mean that by the time they hit their mid thirties they will still think they made the right decision.

I don't want you to leave him because we have told you to - I want you to leave him because you see the truth in what we are saying x

Tillyscoutsmum... :(

I'm so sorry for all the sad stories I've read here. I'm really taking it on board.

I am such a cautious person - and I think I have been brought up to avoid unhappiness rather than seek happiness (dreams); not to expect the world to revolve around me and what I want; not to have too high expectation but to be realistic and pragmatic. This is definitely the "culture" in my (lovely) family.

I think I was brought up pretty much the same.

None of us are saying to hang out for the perfect man - this is what happens when you do <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.notefromlapland.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/WaitingForPerfectMan.gif&imgrefurl=www.notefromlapland.com/2010/10/the-perfect-man.html&h=363&w=465&sz=13&tbnid=2egB7GK50_VoSM:&tbnh=100&tbnw=128&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dwaiting%2Bfor%2Bthe%2Bperfect%2Bman%2Bcartoon&zoom=1&q=waiting+for+the+perfect+man+cartoon&hl=en-GB&usg=__D-QI9UbTadirIT7TMVy8aAVc0pM=&sa=X&ei=Gls0TfXGNM7KjAfoj52oCg&ved=0CB4Q9QEwAg" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here

But it IS realistic to find someone with whom you are in love, with whom you want to have sex, with who you can be yourself and feel alive.

If you were honest with your parents, totally honest, do you really think they would want you to stay with him? Really?

To be perfectly honest (and this is based on nothing except my intuition - nothing has been said), I don't think my folks think he is right for me.

ChippingIn - I think I touches a real nerve with my friend at lunchtime cos when she was sharing her situation, I said "And are you happy to give up sex for the rest of your life?" I don't really believe all is well there.

But the situation is slightly different as she doesn't believe in marriage and is unsure re: kids so commitment is not such a dilemma for her. I wants marriage and kids.

Argh typos. Pretending to work...

Hi :) please don't marry this man, let him go and find someone who really wants him, it would be selfish of you to marry him
If you think things are bad now, imagine if you got pregnant, now that would be a disaster
I know you're concerned about his feelings, but its kinder to just let him go. Gl.

You know, the single most toxic and harmful thing that women are taught (from childhood onwards) is the idea that a couple-relationship is not just more desirable than anything but that it's compulsory and that to be single is to have failed in life.
Hence lots and lots of women either persisting with lousy relationships (men who are lazy, selfish or even abusive) or trying to force themselves to 'love' men who, while pleasant, reasonable and even good-looking people, do not inspire lust in them.
You are in your 20s MMB. You should be running from the idea of commitment and settling down, your biological clock has plenty of years on it, this is the time of your life where you should be thinking about you, not about which man's appendage you're going to be.

Do you know about the 'happiness list'.
This is the category order for happy people -
happiest: married men (sex on tap and someone to service them domestically)
next happiest: single women (sex if they want it, no need to service one man domestically)
Then single men (sex, maybe, noone to service them domestically)
ANd the unhappiest are married women (sex whether they want it or not and compulsory domestic service).

Of course there will now be a dozen or so posters pointing out that their lives are not like that and it's true that some people do have happy marriages. However, every time people start telling you that you should 'settle' for this man just because he's desperate to keep you, remember that they are projecting their own mundane unease about the idea of a woman rejecting male ownership, and ignore them. They are wrong. Marrying this man or continuing any kind of couple-relationship with him will make you both miserable and you will end up hating and resenting each other.

I had a three year relationship from 14-17 (first love, fab r'ship but I grew up more quickly than him and it stopped working). Since then, if I am single for 5 mins, I freak out cos I just do not know who I am. When single, I have a complete identity crisis - I feel like I don't exist. It's unbearable. So everyone who says I need to be on my own - you are sooooo right - I need to learn how to!

But if I break this guy's heart, it will be the fourth heart I've broken (I don't mean fourth time I've split up with someone - I mean fourth heart shattered to smithereens :( ).

MMB it's good you have got friends around but make sure they are not just feeding you advice that makes themselves feel good about THEIR choices. tbh that's probably what most of us do on here to an extent (it's what counsellors are trained not to do...but sometimes they still do) but at least we don't know you and you get to hear a range of opinions.

i get the impression that your friends might not like the idea of you calling time on the relationship for the reasons given as it might make them question what they are doing with their lives.

"I had a three year relationship from 14-17 (first love, fab r'ship but I grew up more quickly than him and it stopped working). Since then, if I am single for 5 mins, I freak out cos I just do not know who I am. When single, I have a complete identity crisis - I feel like I don't exist. It's unbearable. So everyone who says I need to be on my own - you are sooooo right - I need to learn how to!

But if I break this guy's heart, it will be the fourth heart I've broken (I don't mean fourth time I've split up with someone - I mean fourth heart shattered to smithereens )."

Sure it sucks for him, but everyone gets their heartbroken at least once in a lifetime. He will live.

What you're starting to recognise (which is great) is that you're stuck in this pattern of behavious which means you keep having the same unhealthy relationships over and over.

Absolutely you should be on your own. Learn how to do it now while you're still young and make it be your choice, because who's to say that if you go ahead with this marriage he won't be the one to reach the end of his tether with the lack of sex and respect and be the one to walk out on you? Then you'd have being alone forced on you and you'd be totally unprepared.

I actually don't think anyone should ever go into a relationship without first having spent time on their own and with the knowledge that if the shit hit the fan and they ended up alone, everything will still be alright. When you know you're fine by yourself, only then do you get into relationships for the right reasons.

MMB - you may well break his heart but the alternative is what ?? Marry him, have children and 3/5/10 years time finally realise that you can't possibly carry on the charade and then leave him ? Making him a "part time dad" in the process and "wasting" years of his life.

I can tell that you are a "good" person; a nice person but sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind. Let him go. Learn to be single for a while and then settle down, if that's what you want. There will be loads of fantastic men who are all the things your dp is ... and more.

I think you should call off the wedding and leave your partner to find someone worthy of his love.

I think having a decent man scares you and so you go to the gutter to get someone else, good luck with that

Oh I know it's just awful! The bizarre thing is that until two days ago, I was completely smug and confident that I would be one to have a very happy marriage and family, never blighted by divore, affairs etc. Talk about denial!

Wow RunawayFishWife!

RunawayFishWife, I'd love to hear your point of view. I'm jsut trying to work things out and make the right decision. But sarcasm is not really going to help me. :)

I agree though about "freeing" him to find someone who can love him enough to deserve what he has to offer. Although of course you can't say that to someone when they're in love with you.

I think you're over-egging the pudding here OP and perhaps there's something about you that likes to think you're a femme fatale who breaks men's hearts. The more probable reality is that you've had a few relationships with men who've just been more into you than you've been into them and like you, they've either moved on, or will do so in time. Men who either look back now (or like your DF might in the future) and thank their lucky stars that the relationship ended, because you weren't right for them either.

I think it's pretty self-aware that you realise that you've felt lost when you're not in a relationship, but it could be that you just always need a man who is going to adore you and feel somehow less whole and validated as a person without one.

Counselling could really help you to notice that in yourself and help you to get your self-validation from other means. Unfortunately, men and women who never grow out of this trait do tend to wreck others' lives, the older they get. Their constant need to be affirmed as attractive and loveable by the opposite sex stops them from finding other things to define them, like their career, their friendships, their parenting, their values, their interests.

That's a form of self-harm, but this behaviour also harms others. Friendships are wrecked, others' relationships are damaged, spouses and children's lives are destroyed because of this constant need to be sexually adored.

You need to spend some time on your own resolving this and I think a counsellor could help you enormously. If I'm right about you, this is not a new phenomenon for a counsellor and they will have come across it lots of times before.