Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

cutting to the chase?

I think you owe it to yourself, and your DF to cool it off for a while and give yourself a self imposed man-fast. To get to know yourself and what you will and will not need, want desire.

If you are struggling to have sex with him now, in your mid-late 20s, engaged etc, then you are literally on a hiding to nothing.

You say he would like sex more frequently, and you are just about forcing yourself to doing it once a fortnight.

You can't recapture a spark that was never there. I also think the overweight issue is a red herring and you are possibly hanging your hat on this to justify your lack of attraction.

FWIW, I don't know if this other guy is THE ONE, but he is certainly a sign for you to hear loud and clear that to get married to DF right now would be a mistake.

You need time on your own, properly and learn to love yourself for who YOU are and only then will you be ready to contemplate marrying.

You are very young, you have plenty of time on your side. Use it wisely. Don't sleep wlak into a marriage that is flawed from the outset.

The weirdos and misfits are the exes by the way, not my fiance.

MMB - Everybody who gets married knows they will meet someone along the way who they fancy - forever is a long time. But the marriage will survive if you know you are with the right person - the problem is, your relationship is not on solid enough ground to weather the normal problems of life ie. meeting attractive people.

You are young and you are going to meet attractive men over the coming years - if you don't have enough passion and spark with your partner, you simply won't be able to keep the marriage together. Remember this won't be the only temptation that comes your way. Fix things before you commit - divorce will really be far worse for your partner than breaking up now.

Secondly - if you can't tell whether or not your feelings about your partner stem from deeper issues - one answer to that is to have some therapy - talk about past relationships and your own family situation.

I promise you one thing - you won't be able to find 'the one' until you sort out your own mind and know that you trust your own instincts.

Be honest with your partner, he deserves it. , cut off contact with the other guy - if he's right for you he'll be there once you have sorted this out - more likely, he is a good trigger who has made you aware of what is missing in your relationship.

The sex issue needs looking at more deeply - you seem to be associating good sex with bad men - you can change that association.

You can have it all - someone secure and kind and sexy, you just have to believe it.

NoNames, I'm still thinking about talking things over with my fiance. I think it could be good but it's certainly a risk as he may lose his trust in me. But I would never cheat on my fiance. I know things got a bit hairy last night with the other man but it went no further than a hug and an acknowledgment that we were in a bad situation. I would never have an affair. Also, he is not a BadBoy and wouldn't have an affair with me. He did say last night that he would like to be with someone who looks like me, has my personality and is like me in every way. I think he is just a bit sad that he has met someone he is very attracted to but that she's not available. The other man really likes my fiance, although they've only met once. An affair is not an option in either of our minds. There has been no facebook banter - the message he just sent was a straight up apology for being a drunken idiot and he just said he was embarrassed. I replied briefly saying exactly the same.

I'm not stupid or callous enough to rush headlong into a sordid affair, but nevertheless I feel this is a point in my life where it is crucial that I make the right decision.

I am enormously grateful for the thoughtful repsonses I've received here and the different perspectives people have.

Just a quick comment about your sex drive: the pill or indeed any hormonal contraception can really kill it. Coming off the pill could make the world of difference to your sex life.

Also, I never had butterflies in stomach feeling for my DH, the feelings grew gradually from friendship, probably not very exciting, but we are still together after 18 years (and still having great sex)

Nimpy, I've often wondered whether the pill is such effective contraception simply because it kills the sex drive :-( I don't know if I'm making excuses though.

I can guess your responses to this, but we had actually just decided that my current pill pack would be my last and that we would start trying for a family. We're rushing it, aren't we. I don't feel young at 27 though! On the surface our relationship is hugely stable. Fiance believes it to be and so does everyone around us. But I have a voice of concern in my own head.

Don't get married. I was with a guy like your fiancee, he was perfect on paper, but I just didn't really fancy him. God knows I tried. Then I met my husband and it was like being hit by a thunderbolt. We spent the first year in bed. Nineteen years on the sex isn't so sizzling obviously, but I still love him to bits. I really believe that you need that initial spark to make a long term relationship work. Why would you settle for less? I think if you marry your fiancee you will end up endlessly resenting him and wondering what if? The other guy might not be the one either, but that is no reason to settle for your fiancee when you both deserve more.

littletreesmum, actually he does all the cooking. (He cooks, I clean.) But he is not really overweight - just a big chunky rugby player who loves his food and beer, while I've always gone for lanky men previously so he's just not my type physically. Littlemiss is right that the weight thing is a total red herring.

I really don't think it's a good idea to start trying for a family with this level of doubt about your fiance. But you knew that already right?

My DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. We have a baby. We have gone through ups and downs of course but have always had that spark of attraction and I would say it is very important. It can be the only thing (in addition to a close friendship and respect) that gets you through the incredible strain a baby can put on your relationship. Not necessarily having sex (not really the first thing on your mind with a newborn), but just that great feeling you get when you hug or kiss or hold hands that comes from true chemistry. We do not have a perfect relationship by any means so really hope this doesn't sound smug...

I would seriously re-think your plans in light of what you've said here. Forget the other guy for now, just concentrate on making sure you don't rush into anything (with your fiance) that you massively regret later.

Thanks everyone - I've got to go out now but will be back to this thread tomorrow.

How convenient for you, that "bad boy" has entered the scene, to whisk you away from a possibly not great marriage, especially if you are not that attracted to your fiance.

Forget "bad boy". He is of no consequence. What he represents is important though. He is your "get out of jail card".

Do you really like him, or, as you know what type of person you are, are you using the idea of him to crystalize your feelings about leaving your current relationship.

You are clearly not that into your fiance. But I suspect you are not that into "bad boy" either. It just makes it easier to break up your relationship, if you have something new to "drift into".

Dont do that. You owe it to yourself to make up your mind without drifting between relationships.

Don't marry someone you don't fancy, unless they don't fancy you either. Sexual incompatibility can and does kill relationships. If he wants it every day and you don't there is a chance that he will end up resentful and may instigate affairs so he can get his needs meet.

You obviously do have a drive if you are attracted/have sparks with OM.

Your DP deserves to be with someone with a similar sex drive. If you don't even fancy him, it will always be a battle and you'll struggle to ignore the men that you are attracted to.

Unless you are both interested in alternative models of relationships, like open relationships

Talk to your fiance about this OP. At some level he knows that you are settling and that there is no physical chemistry. He sounds like a lovely man and in truth, he might actually love you enough to let you go. Hopefully, he will love himself enough too and realise that he deserves to be with someone for whom the spark is mutual.

A lack of physical chemistry might be a bargain that others can make, but I don't think from what you've said it's one that you could - or should - make.

I wonder whether this plan to have children is your way of thwarting these feelings? It seems you have a highly developed sense of responsibility and it's possible you think that motherhood would curb your natural desires and also some of your personality?

I'm not sure I entirely buy the "accidental" nature of last night tbh because I think there were lots of choices and deliberate manipulations along the way. I think there was something propelling you and OM to bring things to a head, but I commend you both for stepping back from the precipice.

Like others have said, sex and physical chemistry is an incredible glue in a relationship and IMO, there are always problems in relationships where one of the couple settles and tries to convince him/herself that it's not important. Don't ever feel guilty for acknowledging that it's important to you too.

I also think you've been seeing this in extremes. Abusive characters who are nevertheless sex on legs and kind men who aren't. But there are lots of happy mediums along the way. Kind, intelligent men who you can also fancy like mad. I've been married to one for 26 years and that physical, emotional and intellectual connection has helped us survive a lot of knocks. The OM might be one of those, who knows yet?

Do the kindest thing for both you and your fiance and let some honesty into your relationship. It is even possible, with a decent enough break, that you can retain his friendship, if you part. I'm sure you would hope for him that he can meet someone more suited to him, but by the sounds of things, that's not you and you will only make eachother unhappy long-term.

Give yourself a break in between relationships. Perhaps keep the OM as a friend for a long time before anything happens and break out of your usual pattern and get to know someone's mind before their physicality.

I am a little surprised there is so little comment about the possible consequences for your fiance if you marry him then it all goes horribly wrong some where down the line.

He is a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, not dangled on a string so you can be with someone. How do you think he will feel when your marriage breaks down, as it almost certainly will, when you bump into someone else with whom you feel sexual chemistry?

You are clearly not asexual so I think you are running a very big risk of marrying this man only to meet someone else that you do want to shag.

Why can't you talk to him? On one level he must know that it isn't right but it is easy to delude yourself when you are in love and he is probably just hoping that things will get better and that deep down you really love him.

But I don't think you can really love someone that you are deceiving, which is what you will be doing if you marry him.

The one who is loved more has more power and hence more responsibility. I don't think you should marry him if you can feel this way about another man. It is a horrible thing to do to another person, who deserves a chance to find someone who will love him the way he wants.

Totally agree with Karia. The spark is really important. Sex and being intimate with my husband is what makes our relationship different from just a friendship. Having said that, it's not just based on sex - but we both fancy each other and love the closeness it brings.
Your fiance sounds like perfect husband material - but maybe not for you. Sorry to be blunt, but if you don't fancy him it's a bit cruel to be sentencing him to a marriage where he's practically begging for sex and you let him have it when you feel you can bear to.
It's kinder to break it off (or postpone if you feel these are issues you may be able to work on), than to marry this guy in the summer knowing that your heart isn't in it.

i think you have fallen for the safety part of your fiance.

i don't think it will be enough int he long run for your marriage to last very long.

new man aside, I just don't think you will do anyone any favours.

your fiance fancies you, you don't fancy him.

how can that work long term?

I married someone that I'd never felt the spark with, by the time we married the sex had dwindled down to almost nothing. When we did do it I had to make a huge effort, he used to ask why it was so infrequent when it'd been so great in the beginning. Of course in the beginning I'd been attempting to kid myself it was great, but always knew it wasn't. We lasted a few years by which time he was bitter and we had lost any of the friendship/closeness that we'd had when we'd got married.

When people ask why we split I say we just weren't right for each other, but the truth is I just didn't fancy him. Other women would comment on him being good looking and I liked that, but didn't actually feel it myself iyswim.

I look back now and wonder why on earth I went through with getting married to someone I just didn't want to sleep with when I was only 25. Please think very carefully about this. If your fiance is a lovely man, which it sounds like he is then you would be much better off breaking it off with him now rather than going through the pain of divorce.

I was lucky that I met my DH and now realise that whilst it's true that marriage is about compromise, attraction is a basic part of the foundations that must be there from the off.

Put the other chap to one side, and talk to your fiance. Not a bad idea to have some time not in a relationship too.

I met my now DH 20 years ago. We had a little dalliance a couple of years after that that never amounted to anything. We both went on to have other long term relationships.

Mine was with an absolutely lovely guy. We had lots of friends, lots in common, bought the cheap house to do up, I got on fantastically well with his family, I knew he would make a great father etc. There was ALWAYS something missing.

Then (now) DH reappeared in my life. It kind of polarised things. I left DP, I bought a house on my own. I started seeing DH, but stayed in contact with DP. Things were a mess for a while. At one point I actually wrote a "pros and cons" list
On paper DP won hands down, but in my heart I just knew.

DH and I have been together 10 years now. He is not perfect by any means (and nor am I) But the spark is there. Sometimes we are laughing about something and catch each other's eye across the room, and the butterflies appear.

i married a guy who was lovely, thoughtfull, worshipped me (until we got married and then he became an arse but i digress) everything you say ur fiancee is.
i married mine, spent 15,000 on a big white wedding, and it lasted 6 months. there was no spark, no attraction. eventually he began to resent me for not being as into him as he was to me and i just couldn't stand him!
Think of your best friend (other than fiance), imagining having sex with, raising a child/ren and being with only my best friend FOREVER makes me feel yucky. but that's what you have when you have some one you can have wonderfull fun and conversations with, who picks you up when your down and be honest with, with out the spark.
if that makes sense...bit waffley sorry

It would be really, really unfair of you to marry him when you're feeling this way. Imagine if it was the other way round and he felt this way about you. You'd be gutted wouldn't you? To be someone your partner was settling for.

The situation you describe doesn't sound good enough for you or him.

How sad that you think sexual chemistry fades after a couple of years. You have been with your df longer than that already, it won't start the counter again once you are married.

You need to have a serious talk with your df.

Fireworks in bed aren't everything and worth nothing if everything else is crap, but you do need to have some attraction or else you might as well live with a mate.

I was in this exact situation 20 years ago. My fiance was lovely - handsome, kind etc, and his family were so nice. But I didn't fancy him - the chemistry just wasn't there, even though I tried.

I explained to him how I felt, but he still thought it would work ok, even though physically he just wasn't my type. I didn't want to hurt him, so I couldn't split up, even when I met a man with whom there was a definite spark (bonfire!). Thank goodness, a male friend pointed out that it wasn't fair to get married to someone in those circumstances, and I was actually hurting him more by staying - as soon as the friend said that, I chucked him.

I immediately went out with the man with the spark. Twenty years later, and I'm still with him, and we still have that sexual chemistry. It's one of the things that got us through this far, I think.

Sex is the one thing that only your DP can do with you (if you are faithful), so it's so important to be with someone with whom you are compatible. If you're not happy with the cleaning, you can hire someone to do it for you, but with the sex, you're pretty stuck! (Obviously, you need more than just sex, but surely that's the starting point for a relationship, rather than friendship.)

Thanks for all the posts while I've been gone. A couple of people have put the focus back on my fiance and what is right for him, which has been very helpful. It sounds obvious now you say it, but I don't think I had properly thought about how cruel, deceptive and unfair it would be to marry him and then later for there to be an affair or just general unhappiness, leading to the heartache and pain of divorce. All I could see was that he desperately wants to marry me and start a family with me so any other outcome would break his heart.

I'm starting to see that there may be other ways to break his heart. I am an extremely cautious person, very risk averse, which is partly why breaking up seems like a hugely destructive and rash thing to do. But I'm starting to realise that not saying anything and, as someone said, "sleep walking" into marriage could be the most destructive and vicious thing I could do.

Also, I have been a bit blinded by the fact that he badly wants this relationship, marriage, babies etc. But as people have pointed out, the poor guy is not getting any sex. That's not ok! For me to trap him in what might become a completely sexless marriage is hugely shitty and selfish, and would ultimately make us both unhappy. He must be deeply unhappy and frustrated not to be having the sex he wants, but I know if we discussed it he would turn it into what he could do to make me happy. He deserves more - he actually is an attractive guy and as someone else said, great boyfriend/husband material. He should have someone jumping his bones and making him feel like a sex god.

One other unrelated thing, I think some people have got the wrong idea about the other man cos they have started to call him the "bad boy". He is definitely not one of those and is just a normal, nice bloke straight out of a long term relationship himself (which just adds to the long list of reasons to break off contact with him for now). I don't see that he is in any way to blame in this scenario; the only one who's been rather disloyal and weasly is me, but I am trying to fix it rather than dwell on what a shitbag I've been. Lots of people have pointed out, correctly, that this other man is not the real issue here. I just need to be careful not to get sucked in to the excitement of fancying him and flirting with him cos that way ruin lies.

I feel very scared and panicky. It is a massive deal to call off a wedding that has already been organised. But I also feel like I have started to clarify the main issues and put to one side the minor issues that are just distracting me. Thanks for helping with that. If anyone has any more thoughts or personal experiences I'd love to hear them.

Also, I'm trying to build up the courage to have a frank and honest conversation with my fiance but I'm not sure if I should mention what happened between me and this other man, or if that would just be twisting the knife. (By the way my fiance knows that this guy came back to the flat and that we sat up drinking and talking until 8am. He hasn't batted an eyelid - just laughed at me for getting so drunk. Surely this is either ultimate trust or ultimate denial - my fiance is a very intelligent and perceptive man.)

Hi MMB - sounds like you are being v brave, being honest with yourself and facing up to what has to be done. If I were you I wouldn't mention the other man at all when you speak to your fiance - the frank and honest conversation sounds like a very good idea, by the way - it isn't actually anything to do with you calling off the wedding, as that is between you and your fiance. Nothing happened and there is no reason to mention it at all as far as I can see. Maybe consider having somewhere to go after the conversation if needs be? You might find that either/both of you need some space after such a difficult and life changing talk.
Is there anyone you can turn to? I can completely understand you feeling scared and it seems like you will need some really good support whatever happens. Good luck and remember that you are doing this for both of you and your long term happiness.