Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

I wouldn't mention the other man Its not really relevant, and is twisting the knife a bit.

Don't marry him op.

Eventually it will make both of you bloody miserable.

Try and imagine how soul destroying it will be for him to live with a woman who does not desire him and does not truly love him. And then imagine how frustrated and crap you will feel not only to be doing that to him - a man you claim to like and respect - but to be living with a man for whom you feel no desire or attraction.

I'm not judging you. I'm another one who tried to make a relationship work with a man who I thought was perfect partner material, but who I didn't really fancy.

It didn't work. Because it doesn't work. Attraction and desire make the difference between partners and friends.

I also married someone who seemed to be a great guy, but I didn't really fancy. Sex was ok at first, never any better than that, then it didn't take long for it to become less frequent than he wanted, and I wasn't comfortable being naked around him, and he didn't actually care about whether I was enjoying it or not. It became a major issue that blighted our relationship and we couldn't talk about it honestly because we had two kids and if he said 'Why don't you want to have sex?' I could never bring myself to be completely honest and say 'because I don't love you and I don't find you attractive and I don't enjoy it with you'.

MMB, you have received some very good advice on here. I married at 28 and separated at 41 after ten miserable years. If I'd been honest with myself at the start, and with him, I'd never have married him. You need to talk to your fiance and please, please, don't try for a baby right now.

I've been on the pill and wondered whether it was that affecting my libido...I was sterilised at 38 and have had a few relationships since my marriage ended, but haven't needed to go back on the pill. Now though, I doubt that the pill had anything to do with it, for I realise that I didn't want sex with my ex, it's not that I didn't want it at all. Now I've met the right man, my life and my relationship with him are completely different and many, many miles better than my marriage ever was.

Your fiance sounds lovely, but.....if I were you, that would not be enough for me. I am a sexual person and I need to have good sex, and feel desire, and feel desire. I'd be worried, in your place, that I would cheat on him, or make myself utterly miserable in not cheating on him.

Yes, the urgency of desire fades over time, but my DH and I are approaching 4th wedding anniversary and still have regular, good sex. I'm not trying to show off, there is a lot that is less than perfect with us, that you and your DP probably do a lot better than we do...but sex doesn't have to dwindle to nothing. I wouldn't be happy in a sexless relationship and I think you owe it to yourself and your DP to be completely honest with yourself about whether you can. Better to call it off now than hurt each other down the line. After all the needing to be sexual applies to both of you, he may be tempted to find it elsewhere too.

My friend is married to a great guy to whom she has never felt attracted.

They aren't happy. They niggle at each other a lot. She plans out the month to work out how little sex they can have. She slept with a colleague on a work trip.

Even on their wedding day it seemed like a mistake. I feel sorry for her and for her DH. His self-esteem seems shot from being with someone who he knows doesn't return his love.

I think she would leave but their house is in negative equity and she is worried about leaving it too late to have kids.

Please consider if this is the future you want for you and your fiance, who sounds lovely.

That should say 'feel desire, and feel desired'

Do you love your fiancé enough to let him go, to let him have a marriage with someone who really wants him?

atswimtwolengths: 100% yes. Is your name related to the Flann O'Brien book?

I think I know what I have to do... it's just massively hard. If I could just walk away it would still be hard but then there's:

Our organised wedding to unorganise.
Our honeymoon - pretty much all booked and paid for.
A wedding that we are going to at Easter already paid for, which is abroad and a lot of money.
Our car which we own jointly.
We have just renovated the second bedroom to make it into a study - he'd have to renovate it back to a second bedroom to get a lodger... (he owns our flat - luckily I am not a part of that.)

I totally see that this is small fry compared to the complicated and painful things that could be in store for us if we did go through with the wedding.

Nevertheless it's very hard and I am coming to terms with the incredibly difficult situation I am guilty of putting us both in.

I confided in my best friend earlier and she cried.

:-(

Better you sort all the above out now, than adding all this to a divorce.

Sure it'll be a wrench for you both, but this is the right thing to do/

Cancel the trip to the wedding at Easter, or you OR HIM could go with a friend.

See if you could cancel the honeymoon and get the cash back into a voucher for one or the other of you to use in the future.

Has he got money to buy you out of the car? you could trade the trips for the share of the car.

I'm sure your friends and family will help you un-organise the wedding, but PLEASE, you have to do this.

As much as I absolutely do love my fiance and would miss him in my life hugely, when I imagine him with someone else, marrying them and having babies and being happy... I just feel that I would be really pleased and relieved. Not jealous or regretful. That's wrong isn't it.

Thanks LMHF. It is doable. Just easier not to. But I'm really taking on board that by doing the hard bit now I am probably averting a later disaster. The wedding at Easter is his brother's so would def be him going! How hard for him to see his brother getting married though.

The main thing I'm feeling at the moment is how much I'm hiding from him, how humiliating it is for him to be in blissful ignorance and how cruel it is for me to be so deceitful. I think before I felt that by doing nothing I was being nice... I now think it's passively cruel and I owe him at least some decent honesty even if it hurts.

Don't do it - I did and 5 years later we have two beautiful DCs and I'm having an affair with an ex.

I'm sure he's not totally unaware that things are not right.

It will hurt, of course it will, but in the short term. You will get over this, as will he.

You imagining him with someone else and not feeling anxious etc is a sign, please take this as a serious sign for you to be brave and end it.

I'm so sorry.

This breaking up part will suck, there's no way round that. But you're only 27 and assuming you make it to a ripe old age, that's a looooong life to live without good sex and butterflies.

FWIW I think you're doing the right thing for both of you.

FannyAdamsToo: You need to do the right thing too.

End it.

The marriage AND/OR The affair.

Yeah FannyAdams WTF? Sort it out.

MakingMyBed - I would actually hold off talking to him for now because I think that no matter what you say to him, he will just talk you around because it's what he wants. I think you have to decide what you want and if that is for this relationship to end, then you have to be strong about that.

He does sound like a lovely guy, who will make a great husband and dad for the right woman - however, I don't think that woman is you.

I know at 27 you don't feel young - I remember breaking up with my long term partner of 10 years and feeling too old to start again (oh how I laugh now!!) but I do understand, however, try to hear what we are saying - it is young.

Relationships aren't all romance & sex, but romance & sex are an important part of it. You aren't sexually attracted to him, you love him in a brotherly/fatherly safe way and it's not enough, really it isn't.

I know that all the things you listed - car, wedding to attend, honeymoon and especially the wedding are all going to be hard to undo (emotionally more than practically) and you will still have to pay for some of it - but honestly my love, compared to marrying the wrong man, it's nothing. So much better to end it now than end in divorce later and honestly, I don't think there is a single chance you will still be with him in 10 years time.

Be strong now - do what you know you have to do, take control of your life.

FannyAdams - maybe you could share more of what you felt like before you got married so that MMB can see how she might end up in your situation.

I feel for you I really do, but at the same time, I feel for your DH. You do need to end the marriage or the affair, it's not fair on him. If you end the marriage the kids will be OK, so will you and DH, doing this will hurt all of you :(

This is tough, but my advice would be totally forget about the other guy and really focus on your relationship with your fiance - apart from anything else he sounds like a great guy who deserves to be married to someone who fancies him at least

And if you do decide to call it off, stay single for 6 months to see who you are when you're not in a relationship

MMB

I met my second husband years ago when we were both coming out of long term relationships. At the beginning it was great, we both gave each other the support we needed, we understood what the other one was going through, we seemed like the perfect match.

We eventually got married and were together for 17 years. We are now divorcing. Why? Because there was no spark, we love each other like best friends and are having the worlds most amicable divorce. He sends Xmas cards addressed to me and my new partner, and I went to see him with a present on his recent (50th) birthday. We explain to everyone that we "grew apart" the truth is we were never really together in the way that a married couple should feel about each other.

You have been a serial monogamist for your entire adult life. You need to live on your own and have a man free period of at least 6 months to a year to enable you to find out what you are really like as a person instead of somebodys girlfriend/wife.

I think you need to tell your lovely fiance that you need a break to be sure that he is what you want. He may not wait, you may decide he is not the man for you, but you need to do this before you get married and certainly before you have children together.

Do not get together with the other chap, he sounds a pleasant distraction, but you need to find yourself first, not a replacement man.

MMB - just so you know what a bloke's perspective is, I could not agree more with what has been said by virtually all the posts on this thread. You are going to have to tackle this sooner or later and its much better to do so before you have kids, or even get married for that matter.

No self respecting bloke would want to get married to someone who doesn't fancy them, so I think you really need to start getting honest with yourself and your fiance. If he doesn't realise yet and you continue, you will surely destroy him by carrying on the charade and hitting him with the news in the in the future, after you've got married or even, god forbid, after you've had children.

Trust your instincts even if they are telling you something horrible.

Also agree other bloke is a complete and utter irrelevance to the whole situation. Avoid any further contact and deal with what needs to be dealt with.

Do what you need to do for both of you. If that means that you decide now that you should split up, then you should do it now.
To be a bit blunt, who knows what the future could hold for both of you? By Easter your fiancee could be taking someone else to his brother's wedding. Who knows?

here's a hypothetical psychological test for you about whether your issue is really with your fiance or more with the way he treats you (making himself totally available / adoring).

how would you feel if you accidentally just discovered he was in fact cheating on you? after the initial shock would you feel jealous and possessive or relieved and thinking at least here was a get out?

if you do split up and he starts dating some gorgeous other woman and bestowing her with all the attention you are getting would you think "good, at least he is happy" or would you be kicking yourself and wishing you were back with him.

it's not just guys who get turned on by the chase, it's women sometimes. and it's often that we mistake for 'spark'. this OM is currently unavailable and dangerous, is that part of the appeal?

my first 2 longterm relationships were so sparky it was unbelievable but looking back neither partner treated me well or fully gave me what i wanted so i was always hankering and feeling horny about them.

current partner is gorgeous and treats me well (never a doubt in my mind that i am adored). sometimes that has made things less sparky. and also this is the first relationship i went on the pill (that did certainly kill it for me and took a few months off it to get it back). i'm so glad that i have stuck it through though. the love i feel now is deeper and more enriching to my life.

however you do have to accept that temptation and infatuations will throw themselves in your path and unless you know you will not act on them and do everything to fight them off it's not fair to say those vows.

I was about your age when I went through the same thing. Cancelling the wedding, telling people etc was dreadful, but it was far better than making a terrible mistake. My then fiance asked me to stay living with him as a lodger for a short while, hoping I'd decide to go out with him again. I madly agreed, as I hoped I might actually change my mind. Totally ridiculous with hindsight. Luckily, a friend in another town then took me in for a few weeks until I could get sorted with a new job and life.

If I were you, I'd make sure I had my escape route sorted, as it really is awful if he tries to talk you round. You said "how cruel it is for me to be so deceitful". Just remember that.

OK I have actually bitten the bullet and had a conversation with him. It started with me saying I wanted to talk and then saying "I think we have a problem with our sex life". I think he thought this was going to be me having a little wobble and him reassuring me. So he said he absolutely didn't mind that he wanted more sex than me and while he would love us to have more, as he couldn't and would never force me, he had to "take what he was given".

I tried to push it further by saying that this wasn't acceptable really and that he deserved a better situation. Then the big honesty guns came out and I said that I had never felt the spark etc. Well that was a blow and the conversation took a serious turn. I felt sick to my stomach - I might as well have been kicking the guy to death.

As this was all completely out of the blue (as I said, we get on brilliantly, have been talking about starting a family etc), he then said "Did something happen between you and X (OM) on Friday night?".

I very much expected this question to come up as really it is a logical connection to make. I had thought about how I would respond and had decided that if he asked me directly to my face, I would tell him the truth. So I told him exactly what happened. His response was basically "Oh you both made the right choice by not going through with anything - I could tell X was attracted to you and looking back there were signs that you were attracted to him but I always trusted you 100% that nothing would happen. While I'm not exactly going to be banging the guy's door down to have a drink with him, I don't bear him any ill-will."

The gist seemed to be that he fundamentally respected the restrained and sensible way I had handled the situation.

WTF?!?!

We talked for ages - I wasn't getting anywhere. ChippingIn may have had it right about not diving into the conversation before I felt really sure and determined, but as soon as I realised how much I was deceiving the guy and disrespecting him by stealth, all I could think of was diving in and having the conversation.

I proceeded to get exactly nowhere as I tried to be brutally honest with him but he met me with "I don't mind about the sex" and "Think about all the good things in our relationship" and "We can work through these problems" and "If it's a choice between losing you and suppressing my sexuality, I will suppress my sexuality". Essentially "I will make absolutely any sacrifice and compromise you suggest in order to keep this relationship on track."

:-( It's so not about that.

I tried to say that he deserved better than this and that there was a power imbalance in our relationship - his response was basically, "I can be more assertive if you want me to be." I'm paraphrasing by the way - it wasn't as black and white/pathetic as it sounds... but I'm just giving the gist.

We talked loads more about all sorts but I won't bore you with all the details. He has gone out now to give us both a bit of space. I think he feels overwhelmed by all that I've told him.

How can I be strong enough to leave him when he is prepared to do everything and anything to keep things going - counselling, etc. To be honest, if I said to him (I NEVER WOULD OBVIOUSLY!) that I thought the relationship would work if he just allowed me to shag the OM, he would prob agree to that.

Definitely at a slatemate. I know people will say "just go, end the relationship. it's your responsibilty" but I can't bear the destruction and he is putting up too many obstacles to me bombing our whole life together - I'm not strong enough.

He did make one attempt at criticising me - he said "You're a really fickle person and it annoys the hell out of me." He's right - I am really fickle and I have no confidence in the decisions I make - you can see evidence of this in every single area of my life.

Then he added, "But I love you in spite of that."