Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Thanks fourleaf - my friend has said yes to me moving in - we are going to discuss it properly later. I've actually been in starbucks since 7.30 this morn - couldn't sleep and wanted to be on my own and think a bit! I really should defriend the OM on FB as the only window we have on each other's worlds is FB update... He keeps posting things like "going on a long walk to think" and "resisting the urge to do something stupid" (at midnight, after being in the pub with my bro)... I could be imagining thugs but I just sense these posts have something to do with me and I don't want to get sucked in. But it's almost impossible to not ge butterflies about it. And although I am disciplined enough not to contact him or see him (and I think he is too), i just can't bring myself to shove him out of my life completely by losing this one link I still have with him. But like I say, I just worry this stuff is clouding my judgment and that I'm being foolish over him.

Ho hum. Externally at least I need to just focus on organising my own life and making a clean, honest break with df. What's going on internally is not so much in my control. I think I'll be ok and I think this is the best for both (mine and df's) happiness long term.

Imagining things not thugs!!! Stupid iPhone.

MMB - you HAVE to break from OM completely. Even seeing his FB updates that give you 'butterflies', is perpetuating the situation. You say yourself that it is clouding your judgement. Be clear on one thing. Until you have stopped thinking about or interacting with OM (seeing FB updates IS interacting) you will never be able to focus on whether you are making the right decisions. You say DF is a wonderful man, but you will not be able to see through the fog and decide properly whilst OM is in your head, and right now he is clearly stil very much in your head. Obviously, it's your choice, but those butterflies are like a drug.

Yeah I feel like defriending him might be the next sensible move. You're right, it's addictive. What do you think - shall I just do it? Or send a short message saying I'm going to do it because I need to keep a clear head, and then do it? I think I'm becoming too reliant on you wise ladies for advice! I will be asking whether to have cornflakes or porridge next! But I'm so emotional about this man I'm not fit to make good decisions - help!

Just defriend him now and do not interact with him anymore. Simple. He knows the situation you are in and will should understand. You will not have a clear head until you have not intertacxted with him for a few weeks.

By the way - I'm a bloke..........

Ok, I think you're right. He's not stupid, he will work out why I've done it, he may be considering doing it too. There's no need to spell it out - and If I do he might get mixed messages.

Sorry for calling you a lady and thanks for the male point of view.

You don't even need to defriend him - just hide all his status updates from your newsfeed. Easy enough - click on any post of his and then click "Hide all from X".

I don't think that's enough thumbdabwitch cos I go into his profile. Think I need to remove the temptation. Haven't done it yet.

Defriending is safer though, thumbwitch - otherwise there'll always be the temptation to go and look at his wall!

MMB, it sounds like you've done a lot of 'work' on yourself in the past (hate that phrase but can't really think of another way of putting it) - are you still considering going for a bit of counselling now? You obviously recognise that you're in a destructive pattern of relationships but I think that's something that could be hard to break out of on your own. I think your fear of being alone and previous relationships with people who are 'below' you in some way both point to a lack of self-esteem; in my experience people who like themselves are quite happy to spend time with themselves, but I could be barking up the wrong tree there...

Yup think I owe it to df to defriend this guy (btw df is not on fb - he objects to it). 1. For the sake of loyalty and I'm not being loyal by obsessing over this guy. 2. To see what happens in my head when I don't have the constant distraction and addiction of om's ambiguous updates. 3. To remove potential for either of us to crack and pm the other. Sorry for acronyms - hope it makes sense. Will have to wait till I get home though as don't think I can do it on app... But it will be done.

It is done.

:(

But it's for the best.

steamedtreacle - I'm not sure about counselling. One one hand, yes I think it could help because I can see my behvaiour is destructive and this time it has been particularly so. But on the other hand, I almost feel like I am aware of the issues that affect me and maybe I can deal with them on my own? I'm 27 now and feel a bit stronger and more self-aware then I did when I was 23 and getting into this relationship.

But maybe my obsession with the OM tells another story? I know one thing for sure - I dno't want to act like an idiot for the rest of my life.

Well done!

It does sound like you've got quite a good grip on your ishoos, MMB - if you're strong enough to just be on your own for a bit (which I'm sure you are) and recognise when your old behaviour patterns start coming up again then you probably don't need counselling. But I guess it never hurts to have it as an option in case you feel like you need more help.

Age is pretty irrelevant, IME, for most counselling. Even if you think you have worked through your previous ishoos, and to be fair I don't think you have (see childhood friend story and tears), there will be things there that you haven't yet managed to uncover and deal with.

A quicker way than just a "talking therapy" is to try NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) - I jokingly call it brain-washing because it cleans out all the crappy behaviours that you don't want and helps you form shiny new ones instead. NLP therapy is excellent for changing behaviour patterns; there is a level of understanding where they came from but it doesn't take ages of talking about it to find it all. It's not available on the NHS, sadly, but it could be the best money you've ever spent if it sorts you out and helps you work out what is right for you. A lot of NLP practitioners are Life Coaches - but some of them work more like the CBT therapy you can get on the NHS and IME that's not always so helpful - it tends to be a "quick fix" behaviour recognition therapy, doesn't always address the underlying reasons for the behaviour.

Anyway - worth a thought, look up more about it on the INLPTA website if you're interested.
You too Cumbria - there's not much "happy clappy" about it, honestly.

Emoo FF is using your temps alone to make that line. Are you sure that these are "genuine" high temps, you didnt have a fever, drink alcohol or take your temp too late in the morning, or get up and move around first? If all of that is true, then you probably did ov on the 19th.

ooooh I am so sorry, just posted on completely the wrong thread!! Must pay more attention when multi tasking!!

MMB, you talked about trying to work out how you get into this pattern of relationships. Something that's really helped me understand myself is looking at attachment styles and how they shape your behaviour and interactions with others. In one theory there are three main attachment styles which describe people's ways of relating to others, I've copied and pasted them in from something I found on Google:

1. Separation-sensitive people have come to believe that to avoid abandonment, they must focus on what others want, need, and feel, while disavowing their own wants, needs, and feelings. The underlying belief is that if they act on their own behalf, they will be abandoned by those they most need.

1. Esteem-sensitive people have come to believe that who they are is not enough to be valued. Therefore, to protect themselves from abandonment they must prove that they are special through performing, achieving, and acquiring the acknowledgement of others.

1. Safety-sensitive people have learned that the cost of being connected in a relationship is to give up having a self and to be controlled by the other. Therefore, the only way to have an intact sense of self is to be isolated. Since both being close and being isolated are ultimately unbearable, safety-sensitive individuals are constantly seeking a compromise between the two. However, this compromise keeps them in ?limbo?, neither actually in nor out of a relationship. The safety-sensitive individual lives in the dilemma of this nether land of unfulfilling relationships.

Can you identify with any of these main styles of relating to others? It's just that in some ways you remind me a lot of me. And I notice here that you write in a very polite and considerate way that's very conflict-avoidant, and are relying heavily on the advice of people here to shape your decisions/ steer your actions. I wonder if this is a pattern that you repeat in your own "real life"... and what your needs or fears might be that drive this way of interacting with others?

This post sounds a bit random, maybe I am projecting too much, but I do find understanding my behaviour in terms of my attachment style/ expectations (shaped by my early experiences) extremely helpful.

That looks a really useful post Pigglesworth

Cumbria, do two positives a)look for a house share b)see your GP...what do you think?

Kangaroo - yes, you're right. I will see my GP. I am hesitant to find a flat share because I do so much crying at the moment I don't think I'd be a very good housemate.

MMB - how are you getting on?

Wow Pigglesworth that's really perceptive (she says politely and considerately.... no but it really is!).

Definitely I identify with no. 1 and it is interesting to think about it in those terms. I also think my fiance is very much like no. 2 and that is interesting/revealing too.

And yes you have got me to a tee. People always comment on how conflict-avoidant I am. I have been called "the peace keeper", "the diplomat" etc... I think sometimes these traits in me are positive and they help me to build friendships but - like all traits really - there are two sides to the coin and sometimes being conflict-avoidant brings negative consequences. One of my friends is obsessed that I am so tactful and conflict-avoidant that I never say what I really mean (on the other hand I think she is quite rude and blunt and puts people's back up, not that I'd ever tell her of course!).

It's like the other night I was having dinner with some friends. Now two of these friends are quite opinionated and fesity characters. They started having this debate at dinner about whether certain harmful substances like cigarettes and alcohol should be banned. I was sitting in between them, so they were kind of talking over me (I was trapped under a dying cat - long story). And I was getting more and more anxious cos to my mind the "debate" was turning really nasty - something lie this:

A: But what about cigarettes...
B: (interrupting) I'm not TALKING about cigarettes though AM I???? I'm talking about alcohol!! Anyway...
B: (interrupting) Yeah but that's just cos you like alcohol and you don't like cigarettes...
A: (interrupting) ARGH! NO! It's NOT cos of that! It's cos I'm NOT TALKING about cigarettes, I'm talking about ALCOHOL!!So...
B: (interrupting) But it's the same argument...
A: NO IT'S NOT...

Anyway you get the idea. They were using such a horrible tone towards each other and not showing any respect and suddenly I just burst out with: "I think you both need to stop and think about how you're speaking to each other. A, you need to let B make her point. B, you need to realise that if you're having a conversation with A, she is entitled to bring in something that she thinks is relevant, even if you don't think it is, and you need to let her explain why she thinks it's relevant."

(Disclaimer: these are friends I've had all my life and the patronising nature of my little lecture was said tongue in cheek! I used to be a teacher so they've come to expect these little 'teacher' moments from me!)

Well they both turned to me and cracked up, saying "MMB, we're just debating, you don't need to get upset!". I was like sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm over-reacting.

But yes, in conclusion, conflict makes me very uncomfortable and often my interpretation of when conversation has turned form "healthy exchange of opinions" to "nasty and upsetting sniping" is different from others'.

And this might be a bit relevant to my relationship with fiance. I went round to see a (different) friend last night and we had an amazing chat, but one of the more light-hearted things we talked about was the little things that I wouldn't have to tolerate any more if I left him. She just kept saying "I can't believe you put up with that - why didn't you say anything?" (No bad things about how he treated me but just little stuff about the house, how we lived, what we did, where we went etc.) I realised that actually although I believe myself to be "entitled to an opinion", I often don't voice my opinion or I just go along with something I'm unhappy about because to say I'm unhappy about small/insignificant choices seems petty, childish and selfish to me. So I suck it up rather than risk an argument, which to my mind is a million times worse than sucking up a problem.

Sorry massive splurge but basically that's why I identify with no. 1!

Sorry my logic didn't quite add up there but basically I identify with no. 1 and agree that I am conflict-avoidant in real life and I think these two points are related.

Cumbria maybe you don't need to tackle everything at once but I also think that just plodding along being desperately miserable and just hoping things get better is not an option. You are tearful all the time - that's not normal or healthy.

If I were you, I would see your GP first and I know you are resistant but maybe a course of anti depressants would help you stop the crying and just give you a bit of temporary strength (I actually think that for MOST people long-term dependance on ADs is not so great but I do think they can be a helpful crutch).

If you're really against drugs, consider counselling. Of course you could do both.

But try not to say "no" to everything - if you do you are sabotaging yourself!

Once you feel slightly better - I don't mean happy but maybe able to get through the day without crying - it's time to look for a change in your living arrangements. Househunting for shared houses can be wearing and you need to take rejection sometimes, which you might find hard at the moment, but I think if you could find a place with some nice people you could start to re-establish your identity and move forward with your life, rather than hankering for the past.

All this obviously just my opinion based on the limited information you've given here.

I really feel for you but believe that things will get better - and that things getting better won't involve you getting back with your ex!!

thumbdabwitch NLP sounds really interesting. Money is an issue as I left my career last year and have started again in another one on a very low training salary.

My friend has recommended a women's counselling centre nearby where I can get counselling for £15 and hour and I think I might try that to see if it's helpful. Going to call today and leave a message about setting up an initial meeting.

By the way I feel SOOOO good about my decision to defriend the OM on Facebook. It was a massive wrench to be honest and I had a little grieve about it, but today I feel liberated and more level-headed without the butterflies and the checking of the profile. Bloody facebook - it's got a lot to answer for!

Oh also the friend I visited last night has a cousin who is in a similar situation to me - difference is she is on the receiving end and also she has been married for two years.

Going through a divorce just two years after getting married is so painful and sad - I really don't want that to be us. It would be so horrible if I did that to my fiance cos I was too chicken to face up to my feelings now. And I do feel quite sure that I can't marry this man - at least I can't stay married to him. And I feel surer too that it's not just about my infatuation with the OM. I think that will die down soon.

It's good to hear you sounding so strong, MMB. I often find, with things like this (breaking up, defriending people, whatever), it's actually making the decision that's the hard part. Once the decision's made everything starts to straighten out again and all that headspace that was struggling to make the decision suddenly becomes free again.

What's happening with your fiance now? Have you been speaking to him?

I haven't been speaking to my fiance as we agreed to have two weeks without speaking so we could both get our heads straight without confusing each other. So we are due to see each other next Sunday and make a decision. I think my decision is made though to be honest.

:-(

It's just still so hard to explain to him why it has to be like this and why I've strung him along all this time - I'm such an idiot.