Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

You are not an idiot MMB, you are the complet opposite. You're thinking everything through before you make a lifelong commitment to this guy - so many people sleepwalk into unhappy marriages, as evidenced above.

I know my experience has been far from positive and perhaps it's been a little unfair of me to vent my spleen here when I am going through such a rough patch. I actually read your thread when it first started but decided against posting because I didn't want to tarnish your thoughts with mine. But ultimately I feel thast my decision was wrong and I suppose it's important you see the gravity of the choice you're about to make.

Good luck with the next week of thinking and pondering and do keep us posted. I for one am thinking of you.

Cumbria - I don't think your decision was not wrong. You left a man who quite frankly was capable of little in the way of a healthy relationship. You saw that when you were with him and left. The difficulty for you now is that so far the wonderful things you were hoping would come along to replace it haven't yet happened. But that is within your control.

I have had some good times and some bad times in my life - times when I really didn't know how things could turn good again. One motto that has stuck in my mind is 'Nothing nice is going to happen if I stay home alone'. Going out for a walk, a coffee, to see a friend is better than staying home with no stimulation, no activity and no company. If you aren't keen on counselling or medication then make a pledge to yourself to try and incorporate some or all of the below into your days:
exercise - walk, swim, join a netball team
self improvement - learn a new skill, try a new recipe, change your hair, paint your toes, just
community - keep in touch with a friend, family, give your time and energy to a good cause, just go for a walk and smile at someone you pass or be friendly to someone who serves you in a shop or the bus driver. Or even just mumsnet more offering people advice and having fun on some of the lighthearted threads.

If doing any of that is too difficult then you probably should see your GP and get some help.

You have a life out there waiting for you to find it. Go get it!

MMB - couldn't help but check back to see how you were doing. So glad to see you're feeling good about the decision. And defriended the other chap - I know tough but probably best in the long run, better to be cancelling a wedding on the basis of "we've grown apart" than "she ran off with someone else" If its meant to be - it will still be there once everything is over and you've moved on properly. Also great news on the house share. I'm sure next Sunday will be tough - come back if you want to off load

Cumbria - my heart just goes out to you. Although technically you did the dumping, it sounds almost as if you're grieving like he left you. The only advice I can give is take stock of your life and change what makes you sad - you don't need extra sadness. The bedsit makes you miserable, can you move maybe into a flat share. Your friends don't want you to mope about - on one hand I'd like to slap them, come on what are friends for but OK sometimes people can have enough. Have one last talk to them explain you'll try with all you've got to be upbeat in their company but you're still struggling, but please keep including you in stuff. (also it could be whoever said the comment about Christmas was trying to be funny and would be horrified to know it hit so hard)

And finally for both of you - please don't worry because you're both young. DH and I didn't meet until I was 31 - and btw I would never normally have dated him but I watched too many episodes of "would like to meet" and decided to accept any and every social invitation just to get out there a bit more. Kids didn't happen until 35 and 37 respectively. Heavens one of my close friends, just turned 40 met a "toyboy' who adores her and is 6 months pregnant all in a blaze of a wirlwind romance.

I'm not saying either of these stories to brag or to say it will be easy but just to say anything can happen, and usually when you don't expect it.

Thanks Seorae. I know I am not over the hill yet. I guess it's just a case of adjusting my expectations and realising my future is not going to be as I had planned it, at least in the first instance.

MMB - how are you? I hope you're OK.

Hello. I'm doing ok, thanks - I still haven't missed my fiance, it's so weird, it's like I've totally walked out on my life.

Emotionally I am still completely all over the place about the OM - I really wish I wasn't but although getting him off my FB was a good move, obsession-wise, my emotions haven't settled down about him at all.

I feel so disloyal and am trying so hard to think about my fiance and how enormous this all is. But I just can't feel anything.

I'm not looking forward to Sunday though - I know it's going to be so painful to hurt him so much and then start to disentangle our lives, the wedding, and tell everyone - they're going to be so shocked.

I have only told four close friends (one of whom is abroad) - haven't told any of my family yet, or any of the friends we have made as a couple, if you see what I mean. It's going to be dreadful.

I wonder if the fact that I'm feeling so emotionally cold is a sign I've done the right thing, or just a sign I've gone mental over the OM, or just a sign that I'm a cold-hearted bitch.

I'm trying so hard to do the right thing but it's my emotions that just don't feel right - I'm not upset in the right places! While I should be grieving the loss of my long and close relationship, instead I am just completely bereft that I can't see a man I've only ever met three times.

Rubbish!

Cumbria have you made a GP appointment?

Good to hear how you're doing, MMB.

I think that you need to separate your feelings for the OM from those you feel for your fiance. In some respects, it is an entirely separate issue. Even people in happy marriages can meet people they're attracted to, we are only human after all, and it doesn't mean that their current partner is wrong.

Easier said than done I know, but what you need to focus on is your relationship and its future and try and put OM out of the picture.

If it helps at all, I felt exactly the same as you when I was leaving - almost word for word. I felt as though I'd just walked away without too much hoo-ha, and couldn't understand why I felt...nothing. I think in hindsight I wished I had really (REALLY) sad down and thought about it properly (not saying you haven't) and focussed on him and us and what I would be throwing away.
I think as long as you make sure you do that and draw your conclusions after having done it, they will be the right ones.

I saw the GP on Monday and he gave me a prescription for ADs. I haven't collected them yet, I am still undecided, but at least the option is there.

Hello. I just thought I'd come back and update everyone on my situation, as so many of you were kind enough to offer advice and support three weeks ago when my life exploded.

So basically I'm living with the same friend who originally took me in - at the moment I'm still in her study but I'm going to take a room in the house as soon as one becomes available in a week's time. I've absolutely loved my "holiday as a single girl" and decided to make it permanent. It's terrible to say, because my fiance treated me so well, but I just don't miss him at all.

My (ex) fiance and I decided when I first left the flat that we would take two weeks for our feelings to settle down etc, that we wouldn't have any contact in that time and that we would meet after the two weeks were up to decide how to move forward. So we met on Sunday and I told him that I was definitely going. He was very heartbroken and it was extremely painful, especially taking off my engagement ring, seeing him cry etc. There is still a lot to organise/untangle/sort out but I am basically happy with my decision and know it was the right one.

My friends and family have been absolutely amazing - people say it's at times like this that you know who your friends are. I've discovered just how much the people I know care about me, which is amazing. I expected a lot of criticism for my actions but people have been incredibly supportive. I just keep getting told "better now than later" and I know that's true.

I MAY have the opportunity to move to London in September and it's weird to have the kind of freedom where I could just do that. It's exciting. It may be easier on my fiance as well if I leave our current town.

As for the OM... he doesn't know any of this. I've kept him at a distance. He sent me a very sweet and respectful email saying that he did have very strong feelings for me but that he wouldn't have ever said anything if that Friday night hadn't happened and that his feelings were "his problem and he would deal with them". I am still completely infatuated with him but I have kept him off my friends list on Facebook and he doesn't have my number. He does have my email and we've sent a few, short, friendly messages. So we are still in touch. I'm just not ready yet for anything more than that, although I don't know what his reaction is going to be when he discovers that I broke my engagement and moved out of my flat.

My attitude on that one is if it's meant to be, it will be. (As I type that, my heart is beating and I have major butterflies so I'm not as casual about it as I might seem!!)But I am just enjoying being single so much and I feel so strong and excited and free. I'm not ready to give my heart to someone so that they can decide how well to treat me and have power over my happiness.

Thanks everyone for all the support. I don't think I would have been brave enough to take the action I took if it hadn't been for people posting their advice and own experiences here. And I feel very sure that it was the right action! So thank you for all your wisdom. xx

Cumbria - how are things?

That's such a positive story to hear mmb. So many people are too frightened to stop when they feel themselves going down the wrong path - you have done a really brave thing.

And it's also very brave to keep this man who you find so attractive at a distance.

It shows how important it is to keep your eyes open in life and constantly reassess what you want....here's to the future and many adventures for you!

If you're uncertain now you should put the wedding off. Don't get married if you're not sure. If you don't have a spark I think it may be a problem in the long run when you meet someone like this guy you've already mentioned - you might be tempted to see what you're missing..

Thanks waterrat. I feel very positive right now. Lint I think I'm one step ahead of you!