Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Yes I normally tell my mum everything but going back to the parents this time fills me with dread. And I can't look my brother in the eye. He will work it out. One thing I keep thinking is why on earth didn't the OM stay at my family home on fri with my bro? They have 3 empty bedrooms ffs. And he is v close friends with my bro. It would have made so much more sense for him to stay at his friend's capacious house rather than his friend's sister's tiny flat. I guess it had got to the stage of the evening where no one was really applying logic, but I can't help thinking my bro must have woken up and questioned why on earth that decision was made. I can't go home. I have a few other options.

Maybe you need to talk to your brother - just let him know that his friend hasn't behaved inappropriately and neither have you.
That what is going on is between your DF & yourself and doesn't involve anyone else. Also tell your Mum that you don't want to talk about it for now, you just need some space. If she's anything like my Mum that wont be easy, but you have to do what you have to do.

I don't know why he ended at yours - maybe you were giving him some indication that you were up for it, maybe he just hoped if he came to yours he could convince you that you wre up for it, maybe there wasn't any thought behind it and in that drunken way he just ended up there.... who knows. The good thing is that he left. You would have been in an even worse position if you had slept with him.

If at all possible, right now I would prefer to keep my family out of it. I know I can't forever but my bro is too involved and my parents have had a hard year with other worries, including my sis being very seriously ill.

Thank you chipping in for being awake/abroad and talking to me. The kindness of strangers :-) I am going to try to get a bit of sleep before work. Thank you.

I hope you get some sleep :)

Take responsibility for your own life. I mean that in a kindly, BTW. You are responsible for your own happiness.

If you are unhappy with your DF, you can't wait for him to end it just to make your life easier or feel better. He's told you he won't end it, which is fair enough as he's happy with the status quo. If you don't want to marry him, you have to say the words. This is not a situation where there is going to be an amicable, joint decision.

Forget about the other man for a bit. He's an excuse, not a reason. If he's really a top bloke, he'll still be a top bloke in a year's time when you've sorted out your head and your life.

Hope you are feeling better this morning.
When I was about your age, I had a boyfriend who adored me. He was (and is) a very nice man (we are still friends). After dating him for 2 years I gradually realised that I didn't want to marry him and I felt smothered. I made much more of a mess of getting out of the relationship than you seem to have done, but about 6 months later he got married, and is still happily married 18 years later: I am in touch loosely with him and his DW, mostly via Facebook.
What I mean is: in the future your nice fiance may well become a nice friend, particularly as you are acting honourably as you leave the relationship.
Some time on your own is definitely what you need, though. Too many young women still feel so much pressure to be In A Relationship when TBH, for women, being single is fabulous, and it's better than being in any kind of relationship other than a really good one. If you can't have a really good relationship, there is no point having one.

There is one thing I haven't told you and that is that I split up with my fiance six months in to the relationship, back in 2007(although of course we weren't engaged then) for these exact same reasons.

I went back to him.

That was my mistake and a big part of why he feels so betrayed.

Thank you everyone who is advising me and telling me their own experiences - I am absorbing every word.

Honey, you went back because of guilt, and you shouldn't have done.

You have tried, you have papered over the cracks, but the foundations of the relationship are unsound.

You saying this makes me even more sure of the advice to tell you to leave and follow through with it.

No-one could have tried any more than you have. It's not there, it's never going to be.

Why did you go back to him?

Did he convince you that you were wrong to want what you wanted and that you owed him your life for being such a "good guy" and adoring you so much?

Some women need to be adored. You don't sound like one of them.

I second the advice to live as a single woman for at least a while and find out who you are, what makes you tick, and not to define yourself in terms of a man.

You are not old. I didn't get married till I was 38.

Spidookly has a point here. He's not some saintly wronged party - he's trying to emotionally manipulate you.

I can understand, it's horrible being told a relationship is over; I've been on the receiving end myself and it's not nice. But you have the right to make this choice and he needs to respect that and respond with dignity. You're not obliged to stay with him just because he's willing to subvert all his own needs - that's unhealthy and the actions of someone who has serious self esteem issues.

I think this goes back to something I said in my first post on this thread. If he truly loves you, he will let you go and if he loves himself enough, he will break free of you.

You sound like the more emotionally healthy person here, so for both your sakes it looks like you will need to be the one who makes the decision, which is becoming more obvious with every post.

Hi MMB,

I was reading your thread at 4am but didn't post as I wasn't lucid enough.

I had an boyfriend during my late teens/early twenties with whom I got into a similar position as you have with your fiance. In truth I never ever fancied him. He was just the first guy to tell me he loved me. Also he was 'nice'. Our sex life was terrible, like yours. I know exactly what it's like and I feel for you. This may be TMI but I faked every orgasm I ever had with that man, every orgasm. In the end it got so awful that I just started refusing sex and he started suggesting that I was frigid and that my frigidity could turn him frigid as well

I mention this because even if you and your fiance both decide to settle and muddle through, things like lack of attraction/ sexual affinity can easily turn into bitterness and resentment further down the line.

Anyway, I can only echo what other people have already said, you do need to ride the storm for a while and end it. It will be tough! I tried for months to end it with my ex. Then I'd come home and find him sitting on the floor of the lounge looking through our photo albums, weeping. I'd feel like a bitch and say, OK, OK, let's just give it another try.

Please don't get into this sort of scenario, it can go on for ages if you're not careful, and will end up hurting the both of you even worse than a clean break now. Think about the long term, picture where you want your life to be six months or a year from now. Imagine having your own place, space to yourself, meeting new people, rediscovering yourself as a single woman, recreating your life exactly how you want it.

Yes there will be pain and anger and confusion to endure before you get to that point, but that will pass, and both your lives will be better for it. You are not the woman for your fiance any more than he is the man for you. And although you feel guilty because he hasn't done anything wrong, nor have you.

After I split with my ex I was sad for about a week and then the exhultation of realising that I had made a really important and really right decision for me set in. This is when you will feel positive and begin to look forwards. Don't be afraid of dealing with the feelings you're dealing with now, because they are transient. And they need to be dealt with :)

Re. your wedding. I suggest you put it to one side until you and your fiance have put a bit of space between you. Just don't worry about it for now. Once you're feeling straightened out perhaps you could get a close friend to help you phone round and cancel things that need to be cancelled. You'll swallow the financial loss because it's better to lose a few hundred (or even a few thousand) quid than years of your life.

Best of luck. Be strong. You know yourself. Believe in what you know.

PS apologies for sounding like an American self-help book at the end there...!

I don't think he is necessarily emotionally unhealthy, but you both have self-esteem issues. He feels he will never have another woman who he will love as much as you and will do anything to hang on to that. He truly believes you are the best thing that ever happened to him. This is cruel I know but you are not, he deserves someone who loves him as he loves them and you need to release him so he can find her. You have to be cruel to be kind. (Sorry pop psychology ans dodgy lyrics in one post)

For yourself you are in your comfort zone, you have a man who adores you and will do anything for you and you are safe. You have always been in a relationship, and then ended it, I speculate because you have felt bored or trapped? You need to break this cycle and find out who you truly are before you will know what you truly want in a man.

MakingMyBed, what is it that makes you feel so panicky about what you have said, that makes you feel as though you have irrevocably ruined the relationship and any possibility of a future together? Surely a relationship that is based on honesty and lack of deception is preferable? You have been honest with your partner - if he is a sensible and "good" person, this should not be enough to permanently devastate your relationship. If it is enough to permanently ruin your relationship, then on what basis did your relationship previously function? How did you previously "get by"?

Of course he is going to be extremely upset... but I feel as though if he truly loves you as much as he says he does, he should be able to respect your honesty, wait for you to work out how you're truly feeling, and if he wants to, welcome you back if that's what you ultimately want. Surely that option is not off the table just because you've voiced these ambivalent feelings? We are all imperfect humans who can be unsure about things, who can hurt people, who can make mistakes. Ideally, we need to be understanding of that, though I'm not denying the great pain he is going through.

I do want to say that I'm concerned about your tendency to jump from relationship to relationship - what are you trying to distract yourself from, or hide from? It sounds like even though you've acknowledged this tendency and have acknowledged the need to consider the issue of the other man separately, deep down you'd still like to go straight into a relationship with him. Second, even though it sounds like you have a strong history of feeling this way with your partner (???), I think that most people have fluctuating feelings for their partner and if you're in a "down" phase you may seriously question the relationship or feel trapped. At least, I have felt that way in my 4-year relationship before, but currently I am very happy and loving towards my partner. At the moment you're writing in an extreme "down" phase which probably influences the way you've written/ presented the situation to us.

I wonder - what has kept you going in this relationship from when you broke up and got back together 6 months in? Can you pinpoint the times when you felt the happiest in your relationship, and the most loving towards your partner? At those times, if someone suggested to you that you do what you're doing now, how would you feel? Horrified, or has there always been a strong doubt/ sense of being trapped, meaning that you'd still feel relief? I am only asking these questions so you don't rush into any decision that you later regret...

x post with Mummery, but we are pretty much saying the same thing in our own differnt way.

MMB, you're in your mid-twenties, that's young (more than you probably feel).
I think you're right in identifying a lot of what's going on here as your 'bullshit'; but you don't need to be so harsh on yourself. It is your stuff, but you're recognising that, not blaming people around you. It takes some people years to get to where you are; some people never do, some are too scared to go there. You have an amazing opportunity to sort some of your 'stuff' out now and guess what? You'll have the new improved you for the rest of your life.
You say he makes you feel safe; you are safe. YOU are safe. You don't have to be with someone else to be safe.
I've been posting under another name on this board about a horrible situation i'm in, and I do have years and years with my dh, dcs, mortgage, divorce etc to deal with. I wish I'd had some of the self-knowledge and responsibility that you seem to have when I was your age. Good luck.

MMB, hopefully you are still reading through the responses that you get on here.

I'd like to tell you the experiences of my BF as they are very similar to yours. I will tell you what happened in her situation, it may help you.

My BF met her then DP when she was 15. She'd never been in a relationship before (so different to you in that case) but knew that she loved him. Again, it was slightly different in that he was her first and only sexual partner so it was exciting for her at the beginning. But like a lot of long-term relationships, the spark goes or changes.

After being together for 11 years, they got engaged and planned to marry the following year. They'd bought a house and a couple of cats and were settled. They had their friends and my BF would come out with me on Saturday nights and her DP would go out with his mates and we'd meet at the end of the night.

She has always been naturally flirty with men but it had never meant anything. She was constantly being told that they were an odd match. From the outside, their looks didn't seem compatible and she was told often (and sometimes by complete strangers ) that she was much too good for him and could do better. But I knew them well and she never thought that.

However, she met a woman through work and started spending a lot of time down at her house in the evenings. It then materialised that this woman had a son who my best friend had totally clicked with. She absolutely knew that she needed to keep away and hadn't even told me about him (it was only after it all fell apart that we found out).

On her hen-night (that I'd arranged), she kept on crying and no-one could understand why. But I knew that there was something terribly wrong.

Her parents had very little money and her Dad had just been diagnosed with Parkinsons, so I believed at the time that it was related to this.

Two weeks later they had a beautiful lavish and expensive wedding. After 13 years together, they'd finally tied the knot.

Eight months later, my BF left her DH. A month after that, we found out that she was with this other guy and had had feelings for him since before they married (although she swears to me that she never did anything with him while she was with her DP, but knew that her feelings were very strong).

5 years later, they are still together. Her Ex-DH was devestated and is unfortunately still single.

My BF is desperate to have a DC, but even though she is with her DP in relationship terms, he lives 100 miles away from her and only sees her at weekends. She has been giving him the same ultimatum for 5 years that he needs to move down, otherwise she will leave him and he still hasn't.

So, I guess the moral of this story is... As much as it may be really really hard, if you're not sure, don't go through with the wedding. Call it off sooner rather than later. BUT... If that's the route you go down, don't assume that things will be rosy with this other person. Have some time on your own before committing to anyone else.

My BF lost the respect of all of her other friends, her ExH's family and no-one has ever really accepted her DP. I've only met him twice in 5 years, even though I see her almost weekly. And even all this while later, she hasn't really got the commitment that she wants and at the age of 34, if she wants to have a child, is going to have to start a whole new relationship with someone else as he is not really bothered about having one, which takes time and the clock is ticking for her. (NB: I only had my first child at 34 so I know it's not unusual, but she needs to finish things with her DP first so that she can meet someone else and she's just not ready to do that yet).

One final thing though, she NEVER regretted her decision to leave her ExH, but just wished that she had done it before the wedding as she knows that she humiliated him by leaving so soon afterwards and would have spared her DParents the stress and hefty costs of the wedding.

Lots to think about... But when I read your post, it did ring of some similarities...

MaybeTomorrow - yes I'm reading and taking in every word of the advice and personal experience people are offering here. (I'm now at work but not doing much work.) I can't believe how many people have bothered to reach out to me and help me - it's an amazing thing really - thank you all.

There is lots whizzing round my head. I have had many moments of recognition when reading about people's own experiences or the experiences of their friends. I want to say a few more things about my past relationships and some key experiences but just can't get it down now cos I need to concentrate and right now I'm at work and my colleagues are getting a bit peed off with me I think cos I'm so clearly not on the planet.

Thank you - I will post in detail again when I can but I am reading.

MMB, I am also a relationship junkie. I have gone from relationship to relationship..always knowing at the back of my mind that I should be having some time out, but then I'd meet someone else and I'd just rationalise it away thinking that the new relationship might be the 'one', I should give it a go etc. etc. This pattern repeated throughout the whole of my 20's. I'm now 30.

My last relationship of 2.5 years ended 8 months ago. I knew I didn't fancy him from day 1, but he was a lovely man and I hoped that would be enough. But I stopped wanting to have sex with him after about a year, and ultimately ended up cheating on him. Shamefully, it seemed to take this to actually get me to firstly, end it, and secondly, realise that the problems lay with me and that I may never find a relationship which was genuinely healthy and one I 100% wanted to be in, rather than needed to be in.

So I went into therapy and it's this which has really given me the support to confront all my crap and be on my own. And I won't say it's not hard and lonely sometimes, but I love knowing that I am doing the right thing for myself for once, and it is empowering knowing that every decision I now make is about ME, and finding out about ME etc. But I really dont think I ever would have got to even this stage without the support.

So I suppose my advice is to take this opportunity to find out who you are outside of a relationship, and to take as much support as you need to do this. You are worth it.

it sounds like you have made your decision and made up your mind (see, you are not actually that fickle). that's good.

perhaps what you need now are ways of making him realise you want to end it?

could you try to get him to see it from your point of view. at the moment it's all about what he is prepared to sacrifice etc. none of it is about looking at what you are sacrificing which is never having a relationship with someone you feel a strong sexual connection to. would he be willing to marry someone he didn't fancy or really particularly want to have sex with?

"at the moment it's all about what he is prepared to sacrifice etc. none of it is about looking at what you are sacrificing which is never having a relationship with someone you feel a strong sexual connection to. would he be willing to marry someone he didn't fancy or really particularly want to have sex with?"

Ch-ching!

That is it exactly.

He is asking you to do something he likely wouldn't do himself just to make him happy, regardless of how happy it makes you.