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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First sex after DH. Scared shitless

206 replies

longweight · 01/01/2011 20:20

Last time I was dating I was 18, stretchmark free and didn't have any body hangups.

I have met someone who seems great, been dating for a month and I really fancy him. He has been living with his ex wife while they sold house/had joint christmas with kids and just moved into his own place.

All our dates so far have been public places but he has asked if I want to come to his new house and I'm terrified of the sex thing.

He's an athlete and very fit. I've seen photos of his ex and she is gorgeous/toned/pretty. I'm fit/healthy weight but without clothes it's not pretty.

We'd agreed to take stuff slowly but there is a lot of sexual chemistry and I really want to but scared he won't like me once he sees me naked.

OP posts:

tinkerbell41 · 16/01/2011 09:32

way to go...i had a good time last night too...i have to say that i find it both extremely embarrsing and also a turn on to be trainig at gym with my one there!!!well done for having a conversation.i,m finding that one hard in public!!!!!

tinkerbell41 · 16/01/2011 09:35

oops typos,think i,m still a bit drunk,heads killing me!!!

Original poster

longweight · 18/01/2011 10:44

Round three was a flop. Literally.

It can't be nerves at this point surely?

OP posts:

CalamityKate · 18/01/2011 10:55

Course it can!

realrabbit · 18/01/2011 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JustForThisOne · 18/01/2011 11:22

oh oh
I havent managed to congrat on round 1 and you are already on round 3 ?
time goes fast when you are having fun
wait!
what is this business about .... flop? flop as in....fllllllop?

what happen round 2 ...... ?

piratecat · 18/01/2011 11:26

round 2, did we do round 2 yet op?

what was different with round 3? more dets please.

seriously though, i guess as things move on it can be more of a 'serious' business iyswim. Have you both been able to talk about it/you/situation.

JustForThisOne · 18/01/2011 11:38

any man on the forum want to shed some light on why flop happen

could it be the drugs he takes to pump up his muscles?

MinorKey · 18/01/2011 11:53

Middle aged bloke here. LW, I hate to say this but you seem to be treating your new man as if he was just a "cock on legs" and that "getting it up" is all that matters! It's almost as if you are giving him a firmness score out of 10 on each occasion! Obviously sex is very important to you both but flops do happen and blokes can stay nervous for a long time with a new woman, especially if the expectations are high and there has been a lengthy period without sex as it seems to be for both of you here. My advice is for you to relax a bit and just "take it as it comes".

Psychological factors are important. The more you expect him to "perform" to your high standards every time, the more nervous he may become - this has certainly happened to me. It may be a while until you are both adjusted to each other. There are lots of ways of having great sex without necessarily involving a stiff cock, great as that is. Give it time.

Original poster

longweight · 18/01/2011 13:29

Yes flop flop.

No drugs involved, definitely.

Could be seriousness factor. We are getting on so well, he has been pretty open with feelings etc.

We didn't handle it at all, that's what has bothered me. Just had a nice chilled out naked time and did not discuss. If he has a longterm ED issue that he is aware if already then I would expect him to raise it/ go to drs etc.

MinorKey - sorry thread is all about sex/nerves. There is more going on than that but I've kept info relating to thread topic rather than moon over how generally lovely he is and how well everything else is going.

OP posts:

MinorKey · 18/01/2011 13:48

LW, if he managed to get it up well enough for you already on date number 2 then there probably isn't a long-term ED issue. It's probably all psychological (which doesn't mean he has any conscious control over it, though). Remember there will be as much hanging for him on the success of this new relationship as there is for you - he will be worrying just as much about keeping you happy as you are in reverse. As you said yourself you are no longer a fancy-free 18 and neither is he. The 'seriousness' factor could well come into it.

Keep telling him how lovely he is, make light of the odd flop, and in a few weeks time I'd guess the problem will have gone away.

PigletJohn · 18/01/2011 14:26

A bit of gentle stroking never does any harm.

Did you put your tongue in his ear?

Original poster

longweight · 18/01/2011 14:44

Stroking has opposite effect. As does anything involving tongues. In fact round 2 may have been better because I did not attempt either.

OP posts:

blinder · 18/01/2011 15:36

It's a blip surely. Difficult to know how to communicate about that issue s I'm not surprised you didn't. Lengthy conversations about erections are best avoided on the third date innit?

It sound like he is very into you LongWeight. Nerves nerves nerves.

When's round 4?

givemesomespace · 18/01/2011 17:02

Another bloke here - very unlikely to be anything other than nerves. You're probably doing such a good job at showing him how much you are into him that you're coming across as super confident - always good, but he probably thinks he's got to perform now, especially as he's a bit of an adonis.

God, if you knew people would be saying this when you started the thread, I bet you wouldn't have neen so nervous!! Brush it off (so to speak) and maybe take some pressure off him. Suggest a non bedroom focussed date and show him how much you like him outside the bedroom as well (if you do of course).

Most blokes will have experienced a flop at some point, even if they won't admit it, and most of the time it'll be nerves or too much booze. If it's steroids (unlikely), you'll have a whole lot more issues to deal with.........

Original poster

longweight · 18/01/2011 17:20

Friday Blinder. That's so not a conversation I can imagine would flow naturally! I hope it is nerves and short lived.

In other news I was going to tell my friend from the club that we are dating but before I got round to it she proffered a very suspicious dinner invite involving her, her hubby, a couple who are mutual friends and me. Next day Muscles was invited so our friends are attempting to matchmake on the sly. We are going along with it to see how much fun we can have playacting a 'first date'

OP posts:

piratecat · 18/01/2011 18:54

op i don't understand the no stoking and no tongues rule?

Original poster

longweight · 18/01/2011 19:07

Apologies for tmi, am loathe to write this but

Piratecat: if touching/kissing below the waist had a wilting effect. 2nd time I concentrated on above waist and was ok. 3rd had same issue as 1st but worse.

Maybe I'm just doing it wrong!

OP posts:

piratecat · 18/01/2011 19:35

oh no worries, i see. i think. maybe he was just as nervous as you then!

get to know each other more, relax a bit. seems it's all very body conscious stuff, when you both don't seem to have anything much to worry about!!

if you had my body then you'd be worried!!

PigletJohn · 18/01/2011 21:48

I wonder if he's more confident doing things to you than having things done to him? I have been known to start out like that.

Wouldn't be a "being in control" thing, would it?

PigletJohn · 18/01/2011 22:02

p.s.

does he feel more lively in the mornings?

Original poster

longweight · 19/01/2011 00:38

I have no idea about the mornings, so far I have always gone home due to logistics of babysitters/work.

I ended up going round tonight after a telephone call. Not intended as a booty call but ended up so and was great. He was much more assertive/confident which worked well. Turns out I was approaching it all wrong and a more hands on approach works wonders . No holds barred or areas left uncovered. Confident Muscles is a revelation, he was such fun and good company in general.

I'm very glad I went now as I would have spent the rest of the week worrying about it otherwise!

OP posts:

MissHellToe · 19/01/2011 01:18

anonymosity · 19/01/2011 01:30

I would not "discuss" it with him. otherwise, good advice all around and if you're too nervous it may be too soon.

anonymosity · 19/01/2011 01:31

oh sorry, didn't read on - you're there already. ENJOY.

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