HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Oh well done Solost! Am very pleased that you have done a new positive thread!

How are you feeling today? How are the DC?

have done the link for you to the old thread, hope that's ok. then people will know where to find this one.

Marking place :) well done, soloist. Love the new title! X

Thumplumpuddingwitch: Thanks chuck don't know what I'd do without you - seriously!

We have been OK today. Spent the day with MIL & FIL. Took DC's to local park to see santa land by helicopter and take advantage of the snow with our new sledge. Spoke to H this morning, said he would be round Wednesday to speak to DC's. I asked him not to text or ring til this evening (he always texts a lot on Sunday's - the one day he has to spend completely in BB's company!). He ignored me of course. Has been texting all day - have ignored them all. In that respect I am so much stronger than I was even a month ago.

However, there have been worrying developments with the middle DD. She has had a couple of 'panic attacks' (for want of a better description) recently. One last week which I thought was a one off but then again last night and again this afternoon when I was talking to one of MIL's neighbours and even though she knew where I was got really upset and panicky as I was gone for 20 minutes. I think its some sort of separation anxiety thing even though I reassure her all the time that I won't leave her.

Any advice on how to deal with this? Am just cuddling her and reassuring her. She said to me last night 'isn't it funny Mummy - when you are here, it all just goes away and Im OK again'.

How old are your dc, solost?

HOw old is she, solost? I think you're right though, and I think this has a lot to do with them NOT knowing wtf is going on, thanks to your arsewipe H. When they know why he has gone and that he isn't coming back, they can start to process and rationalise it in their own way; while they are in limbo, it's all just scary and uncertain, so they might fear that you will go too, because they don't know why their Dad's gone.

Perhaps you can start the ball rolling by saying something like "Daddy isn't going to live with us any more and on Wednesday he will tell you why", except of course they'll want to know why a lot earlier. Your H should be making more effort to come over asap. I bet he tries to weasel out of it again - I would actually give him an ultimatum, say "you come on Wednesday at the latest to tell them, and if you don't, then you don't see them on Christmas Day either". He may then try to pay you back by saying he can't do Boxing Day if you try that game, but you have your PILs as back up, don't you? He needs a firm hand now - he's playing the slippery weasel too much.

Hopefully someone with experience will give some more useful advice!

I am a little minx, and I know it goes against the rules of not engaging with H but.....

I would be tripping over myself to point out to him that texts sooooooo much on a Sunday. His only full BB day. Query how odd his need is to do this..... Especially when he is in the honeymoon period of the relationship. I would also wonder out loud how he must be shitting it when the bubble pops and that what's he's left with. You'll be onto better things then and perhaps he should try and wean himself from your emotional support now, it will be easier for him the future when you have your new relationship.

Stupid arse.

I know that BB is the OW but what does BB mean? Sorry I missed that bit of previous thread

BB = bunny boiler !!!

Oh, thanks!!

Much better thread title, solo!

Your poor DD2. I think she really needs to be told the truth. You'd probably be best communicating this to your H and making it clear that she needs to be told now. She's clearly suffering and needs the truth. Make it clear that he needs to make time to come and tell the kids or you'll have to do it for him. He can't put it off or weasel out of it.

I thought, is it big b***?

Bookmarking my place so I can lurk

It seems your DD is anxious that you too will just not return home one day. It must seem to her that's what her dad has done

If she is having panic attacks then she is very stressed about her dad's departure. She really does deserve an explanation - from her dad. All DC need to hear from him what has happened.

Please don't leave it until wednesday. Can he not come over tomorrow sometime (presume DC are off school)

By the way, I think you are doing fantastically well!

I thought BB was bl...y bi..h

Solost I really think you need to sit your DD down and explain to her gently that her dad is not coming back and the reason why (much like I had to to my DS ie daddy has a girlfriend etc).

My DS is still extremely anxious (down to his dad upping and leaving without warning - they really do think that you will do the same, my mum had to explain to my DS that nobody else was going to do that to him (she use to collect him from school for me and he used to chat to her about it)). My then 4 yr old DS used to cling on to my DH's leg as he left saying "please stay forever daddy" - awful to see. TBH they are all still suffering from the fallout with anxiety issues even though their DF came back after 4 months.

Talk to her gently and answer her questions - you don't need your H there to do that. He can answer any further questions she has when he sees them next.

Good luck.

Evening solost - just checking in on your new thread. Love the title too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DD. I think you are doing the right thing with lots of hugs and reassurances. I think children of any age know when something is wrong and this is her confusion manifesting itself. Sorry, not helpful at all but hopefully when she learns the truth she can begin to come to terms with it all. I am just so sorry you all have to go through this.

Stay strong and I'll be here to do some virtual hand holding on Wednesday x

Before I read about your DDs heartache and tears, I was starting to think that it might be better for you to move forward and speak to your DCs yourself. I know how important it is that you feel that he does the talking, but it is increasingly looking unlikely (even with the snow as an excuse) and I feel that the pain of their father's departure is starting to have a real and negative impact on their wellbeing.

I started feeling this after I read that he was snow-bound. Why let him have all the power in this situation. It might show him a little bit of strength if you take this decision out of his hands and speak to them yourself. Then HE doesn't know exactly what you have said to them and will be forced to deal with their questions, after they have had a chance to digest the information.

I am also concerned that you have no control over exactly what he tells them. He's squirming at the very thought - I don't see him as being very effective when the time comes. I also wonder if he might use the occasion to put you in the frame as well.

Also, if he is the one to tell them first, the emotions of the situation might enable him to dodge some of their questions. If, however, once you have told them and they know that he is coming to speak to them about leaving - he might have a quite different experience of their emotions. Maybe he needs to know what it feels like when someone else takes that control away from you.

Please take all the advice and do what is best for you. Its does sound as though the sooner your DCs know, the sooner the four of you can begin to live your lives again.

I agree with 100%, but please do let h know that you've decided to do this before you do it. If you want him to cooperatively co parent in the future, then you need to set the tone of how that will work now. Otherwise he's likely to not be so cooperative.

Your DD doesn't know what has happened or why and as far as she can see, one of her parents left and now makes sporadic visits. She has no idea why and likely wonders if you will do the same.

They need an explanation. So sorry you are going through this :(

Hi Solo(st)

Sorry to hear about your DD2. Is there any way that you could tell them tomorrow? They are clearly very stressed out and I know from personal experience that not quite knowing as a child is a lot worse than actually knowing.

Also, from my personal childhood experience, it is far easier to 'lose' a father when you have a very solid relationship with your mother. Just be VERY specific with them once they know what is going on, look in their eyes and say 'I will NEVER leave you' or whatever you feel makes sense for you and it will really help. Your poor DC.

Sorry you are having to go through this, your ex really is despicable. Well done on staying so strong, you are a great mother x

Great title.

Honestly?

I think you should tell them tomorrow yourself. He is a shit he won't do it, it will be one thing, then another and another.

I know you want him to do it, but he is an utter coward.

This is really affecting your dc's now, get it out the way have a few good days to clear the air with them before Xmas, you can also in this time make other arrangements minus him.

I'd phone him, tell him what a mess his DC's are in and the impact this has had on their well being and mental well being and you have to tell them the whole truth, even if he can't handle that, it's for their sakes, and Xmas day is off. Then leave him get on with his shitty little mind games with BB and you concentrate on the next 6 day before Xmas, nuturing and looking after the dc's.

You can still have a great Xmas you know x

I dont't want to muddle with your head Solost but I think I disagree about telling dc without him.

I would give him the opportunity until Wednesday, but that Wednesday is unnegoitable, so if the snow is still a problem then he better start out on Monday to be in time. He is after all on garden leave!

One day is not going to make a difference to the childrens wellbeing, but I do 100% agree it must be no later than Wednesday. Little peoples minds should not be messed with.

The main reason i think both of you is better is that he is physically there. I think that will send a reassuring message. If you tell them he is not going to live there anymore etc when he s not there I think it all adds to the negative impact.

As I say I really don't want to cause you undue stress of a different point of view but it's just my opinion. You know you family situ the best and will make the best call!

Yes horses. That makes sense.

Also as I said that she needs to set a precedent for him in terms of co parenting. If she has told him weds but then goes ahead without his knowledge and tells them without him beforehand, he may well take some things into his own hands with the kids that you would prefer he not in the future.

STAREXPAT: Middle DD is 8yr littlest DD is just 6 and DS is 10 almost 11yrs. Littlest DD just cries for daddy at night and I think this is also having an effect on middle DD.

TPPW: I am really tempted to tell them myself BUT tbh I think H should do this that it is his responsibility. He doesn't see them cry and panic and its so easy to dismiss these things when you are not there to see it first hand.

TINSELINDISGRACE: Thanks x. H is coming on Wednesday and I have told him that if they are not told EVERYTHING that day I will fill in the gaps.

TPPW: She's 8. And you are right it is to do with H leaving. She is scared that I am going to go too. I have reassured her that this ISNT going to happen and she seems quite settled tonight. Regarding telling them myself, I don't really want to start the ball rolling because I know I will end up doing the full job for H and theres something else he's managed to get out of.

COUNTINGTO10: They seem to sense somethings about to happen. But I need both myself and H to be there when they are told. I am going to just have to bite the bullet til Wednesday then do it alone if he fails to show.

FANTUS: Thank you x

HORSESANDCHICKENS: I have pointed this out to H before. And now.... he's on gardening leave, stuck there all day with nothing to do and BB's got the following week off - the first time they been 'together' for such a long period since he left. Apparently she suggested a 2 week carribean cruise in January but he's refused to go cos he'd miss the DCs too much.

GONETOSOUTHPOLE: I agree with you but I will be there with him, I think we both need to tell them together then he can piss off and I will deal with the fallout - again!

FANJOKAZOOI: Thank you, I am going to give him one last chance to do this - god knows he doesn't deserve it but I really need him to see the fall-out from this - he's still living in his 'bubble' and thinks this is all going to be OK. When he witnesses their reaction first hand - he cannot accuse me of exagerating it etc.

EMMYLOULOU: Thanks . See my previous comments re: telling them. I have told him about DD's panic attacks etc, but its easy to explain them away to himself when he has'nt actually witnessed them. Thats one of the reasons why I need him to SEE their reaction when HE tells them and then he can take responsibility for his actions (probably for the 1st time) - if you see what I mean?

HORSESANDCHICKENS: I think you are right BUT if he does'nt show on Wednesday I will definately tell them myself and cancel the meal on Xmas day. I am prepared for this!

Poor child. They do need to know, and soon. Your H must understand this. It's so unfair to you, too.