HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Solost - agree with everyone else. IF your H is having problems, it's his fault. Glad you didn't sympathise or even feel any sympathy - good sign. Now stop worrying about him!
It's a ploy.

Please consider telling your DC tomorrow - just give them that one extra day to process things. Your H is so not going to show on Wednesday, and you're probably going to wait until the evening, which means they'll be going to bed with the news still fresh in their minds. Telling them early in the day so they have all day to help work any shock out of their systems has to be a better option - they can regain a level of normality before bedtime and hopefully sleep better - and as we all know, sleep does help.

Your DC are your primary concern (as they always were and always will be) - your H has shown a spectacular lack of concern for them, and it is time for you to return the favour as far as he is concerned. I know you want him to see their faces and their reaction - but believe me he will still cop it whenever he does see them. Not in the same way but they will show their reactions. It's now far kinder to the DC to just get it over with - your H is going to avoid this, just as he has weaselled out of everything else, with any excuse that comes up. His "breakdown", the snow, his uncertainty - FUCK him (not literally) - he has LOST the right to ANY consideration whatsoever as he is HURTING HIS CHILDREN, potentially with very longterm consequences.

Please minimise the risks to their wellbeing, and to your relationship with them, and get it over with ASAP.

This has been festering inside them for ages now - the poison is spreading through their systems. If it was a physical complaint, you wouldn't keep hanging on and hanging on, you'd just deal with it - treat this in the same way.

Am going to give you lots of ((hugs)) and strength vibes - you have to bite the bullet and get it over with for your DC's sakes.

AF: Could decipher - thanks. Not sure whether he is being manipulative but if he is - he deserves an Oscar!!! I am going to tell them on Wednesday - with or without him. Then take it from there.

EMMYLOULOU: By not pushing it - I meant not demanding he see's them sooner than Wednesday - it's not really practical now anyway - they are staying with PIL and they have plans for tommorrow. Wednesday I AM going to tell them - with him or without.

STAREXPAT: PIL don't know BB, don't want anything to do with her. She'd be round there like a shot btw, is desperate to 'be part of their family' but H is blocking it - he knows what their reaction would be.

They are worried sick for him BUT know that he must face up to the consequences of his actions - they have been FANTASTIC.

LMHHF: I don't know, but I am not moved by all this. Thought I would be more worried/upset but its really not moving me at all. Just told him to go back to BB and let her sort him out.

AF: If it is..... I won't.

HELICOPTERVIEW: Thanks for sharing your experiences. Am going to get Wednesday over then take control. Once I don't have to lie about H being 'away at work' all the time (he was away quite a lot even when he was here). The DC's will know exactly why he's messing them about!

CREACEOUS: Thanks, I do see that - I have seen a general deterioration in his his mental and physical health over the last few weeks tbh. At first it was H who was insistent about telling the DC's everything and I who was blocking him but now the tables seem to have turned.

WWIFN: Do you think so? He has stayed away from BB's all day - she has had no idea where he's been either. He said he just needed to be alone??? I will tell them on Wednesday - I am determined. But have you any advice about how to deal with the 'fallout' if I have to do this on my own?

GONETOSOUTHPOLE: Thank you. I am going ahead Won Wednesday with or without him.

You really don't see this as a game do you and how he is successfully manipulating you?

Ofc he was up for it a while ago, keep you on your toes. You have changed towards him and are starting to detach, he has changed tack. Now he knows you mean business.

I wish you could see what we could all see.

Please arrange for him to come in the morning then Solost - so that when he hasn't shown by lunchtime you can tell them then. They need an afternoon and an evening of playtime, cuddles, reassurance from you, doing their own thing to be able to "come down" from the reality of the situation.

KATEONMN: I know, I did think that tbh BUT, H is a person who would NEVER admit any weakness (before this) - he has never admitted to me btw that it was he who was looking up the mental health web page (and I have never asked). I really don't think he could be so manipulative (could he?).

TPPW: Thanks for your thoughts. I am going to give him til Wednesday and then I will tell them myself. I am working all day tommorrow and they are spending the day with PIL so unless I tell them in the evening I won't really get the chance. I also don't want H accusing me of telling them before he has chance to - I know its kind of irrational but I told him Wednesday and I am going to stick to then. x

He looked up mental illness on the pc, and now is playing the MH card? This is premeditated, planned and designed to manipulate you.

He told you he stayed away from BB all day... He told you he slept in the car... in this cold? he'd have died/contracted hypothermia...

He is full of shit, don't fall for it, don't engage and take charge of this situation , tell the DC asap, and let the chips fall as they may.

He's not admitting a fault, flaw whatever, he is playing the MH card.

yes it would seem he IS that manipulative.

you asked for advice about how to help the children deal with this

generally children process grief and loss differently from adults. it can be very extreme. one minute they can be crying and sobbing as if they are going to be sick. and what seems like the next minute, they are fine and asking to watch TV or for something to eat

often they can be very matter of fact which can be very shocking for an adult eg a child who is told their mother has died suddenly might ask

" but who will make my packed lunch / drive me to school?"

their feeling are just as real / genuine, its just they process them differently

so don't be surprised if you get little or no emotional reaction at first. eg they might ask the name of the OW or what colour her hair is or where she lives. they probably WONT ask any of the big questions you have been asking yourself eg where did it all go wrong? why is he doing this? etc etc. well not at first anyway, it will take time to work itself out

so sorry for what you are going through

I'm in a very similar situation to you - but I am learning an important lesson. They lie, then they lie then when you think they are done..they lie a bit more.

If you knew me in RL - I am not the sort of person to ever think that of anyone, least of all the man who I loved, cherished and shared the children with.

I'm learning now though and painful as it is...this is him. The real him.

You are doing so well and are so strong. I read your thread to inspire me to be as strong as you.

Solost yes I do think so. How do you know that BB hasn't seen him all day? Presumably you've only got his word for that and you didn't phone her?

Even if that were true and he has done the "poor me" act and wallowed in the slurry of his own making, I've got absolutely no sympathy. Rather than facing up to his responsibilities, he has just withdrawn, felt sorry for himself and wallowed. He is an absolute disgrace.

I will post some more later about the aftermath of Weds, but wanted to get back to you quickly about my views on this latest stunt. I assume you have completely lost respect for him now? If so, that's no bad thing.

It sounds like one big, manipulative act IMO. In the off chance he is having a breakdown (unlikely) then it is BB's problem, not yours.

He just can't stand the fact that he doesn't have 2 women fighting over him.

You are doing so well.

Have you had anymore thoughts about Christmas day? Do you really want to spend it with him if he is going to be doing his faux moping act?

Ha, perhaps it's the long(ish) game - never mind just weaselling out of Wednesday, he's making certain he doesn't have to do Christmas Day or Boxing Day as well, because he's "having a breakdown".
You, Solost, are not going to want to leave your DC with him while he is in dodgy MH condition - so you're going to tell him that your ILs will have them instead for their own safety. Thus leaving the way clear for him to play happy families with BB, after all.

As KateonMN says - just when you think they can't possibly stoop any lower, they manage it. There are no depths to which they will not sink in order to get out of doing something that makes them feel bad/they don't want to.

Remember - this "man" is a stranger to you. He is not the man you thought you were married to, so any previous beliefs in who he was and how he would behave must be ignored and stricken from your mental records.

Is the "mental breakdown" in the script that these men follow? Genuine question.

Solost, you are doing brilliantly.

But you still think he is, fundamentally, a good man who is not himself due to illness or having his head turned by BB. Is it easier to believe that than to realise what a self-centred, selfish prick he is? You say he would never admit weakness before. Well, never before was he in a situation where you were detaching from him and at the same time forcing him to take responsibility for his actions. He can feel you pulling away and will stop at nothing to keep your interest going. The latest ploy has worked brilliantly, has it not? Not just you, but even his parents got involved. What a lovely boost of attention. It is not your fault - he is very cunning.

As for MH issues, my DH's best friend suffers with depression and emotional vulnerability, as do his brothers. Despite their issues they are all lovely men and, trust me, when they feel low, they do not phone people round three times a day singing and declaring self-loathing. They just go completely quiet and become pretty much impossible to reach for days on end. They do not scream for attention. Then again, they are not putting it on in order to avoid responsibility. Moreover, none of them would ever use their illness to weasel out of responsibility towards their partners or children.

Believe WWIFN when she tells you that a) he is manipulative b) he has always been a self-centred, selfish man with an inflated ego.

I am so angry he takes up so much of your head-space with techniques designed to distract you from moving on.

Solost - don't fall for this and listen to what everyone is telling you. I have just recently nearly fallen for XP's stupid whining about how he cannot afford mortgage etc etc until my solicitor prevented me from caving in. He has rich mummy and daddy bailing him out at every turn, how could I nearly fall for that? These jerks use every trick in the book, they lie and they will keep lying until they get out of something or get their own way, whichever they are trying to achieve. You sound so strong, don't fall for it, you will be so glad in the end.

Hey crackfox great name BTW

I don't know if it's in the script - all I know is that I moved out of the family home to give xp space "to think" then I found out about OW (don't know if it's an affair or infatuation on his part)

But know that when I went to see him re Child support /selling the house he was pale, shaking and telling me he didn't know what was going on - but he was just in a bad way and couldn't cope with it all.

A week later, when I said talk about the house and child support could wait till he was feeling mentally better - he had already booked a weekend away with OW (I suspect...don't know, but he didn't pick up the phone when I called about the kids)

I always hoped he was different - and wasn't following 'the script' but I was a deluded fool. I'm not anymore.

Don't want to hog Solost's thread - she's doing so well sorry

Kate - we seem to have had similar experiences don't we? Got to keep strong and not fall for it. Unfortunately we are caring, sympathetic people and don't like to see anyone hurt or struggling. That's how they know which buttons to press.

TheCrackFox, I don't want to generalise, but two of the most manipulative men I have ever met did this. One was an aggressive alcoholic, who threatened depression, suicide and was an expert at losing weight every time his wife withdrew. She fell for it without fail every time ('Look, he is wasting away!'). They are still together, it is quite typical.

Another one was a serial cheater with an imaginary heart condition. Worked a charm on both his wife and his lovers and he remains married. [Sorry for the brief hijack]

I know I'm badgering you a little (sorry) but remember - stay ANGRY with him! You need the anger to drive you through the next couple of days and through Christmas. He is manipulating you for his own ends, regardless of his DC and their feelings - how angry that would make me! (and does on your behalf).

He is fine. He has made choices - they may not have worked out the best for him but they were HIS choices and he's still choosing to make bad, selfish choices NOW. He may have had too much to drink, which would make him feel a bit maudlin, but I would say that is as far as his "breakdown" goes.

TPW I think solo needs badgering, say it enough hopefully it will sink in.

I'm not saying that in a nasty way but for your own good and mainly for your dc's.

Solo he is playing you a blinder, he is manipulating you and yes it's woked you can tell that by reading yours posts.

That's not you fault he is such a devious shit. You must take these posts in and realises it for what it is. It's going to get a whole lot worse for you I feel and these mind games.

You need to harden yourself to them and realise he is capable of all this manipulation and let it all wash over you.

You need to do this and not get sucked back in like you have for your sake but mainly your dc's, it will damage them otherwise.

I bet he had a right old laugh his parents phoning all day worried about him didn't he? You panicking enough to involve them.....

You know what's coming their way next don't you after this "breakdown" He will play on their guilt at isolationg him and therefore BB.......before you know it they are in there as a couple.

Think about it long and hard solo and see what he is doing.

Hi, Solo! (and everybody else) :)
I read your previous thread, but never posted, however was cheering for you and happy you were/are doing so well.

But i just wanted to highlight this post from YoungBlowFish

As for MH issues, my DH's best friend suffers with depression and emotional vulnerability, as do his brothers. Despite their issues they are all lovely men and, trust me, when they feel low, they do not phone people round three times a day singing and declaring self-loathing. They just go completely quiet and become pretty much impossible to reach for days on end. They do not scream for attention. Then again, they are not putting it on in order to avoid responsibility. Moreover, none of them would ever use their illness to weasel out of responsibility towards their partners or children.

From personal experience, this is true.

He probably feels trapped and doesn't really know what to do; he doesn't want his kids to know what a bastard (sorry) he is, so he puts on a show.

Don't fall for it :)

I would also like to add weight to the lying, more lies and even more lies topped off with the compelling issue of failing mental health.

For my family, it was the woman who was doing the manipulating. Took us all a while to figure it out. When we did, it was even more devastating as some of us had supported her through her 'episodes'.

Fast forward many years and we now know that she was an actress of great talent, prepared to lie to her own DCs, family and friends. The hurt caused by this one person is immeasurable and the DCs are still traumatised by it even although they are young adults now.

Take care as you move through this, trust your instincts but do take heed of the advice given here that some people will sell their soul to the devil rather than face up to the truth. Its been a hard lesson for our family and to some extent we are still reeling from it.

Another one here agrees. This is not a mental health issue this is a reality check. He's actually processing some of the feelings/impact. Well bully for him having some feelings. Sounds rather similar perhaps to how you may have felt when all this kicked off back in August? Any sympathy from him towards you back then or was he just busy telling you about the love of his life?

Also agree mental health issues would not cause him to react at all in this way. Maybe disappear completely off the planet for two weeks, and be completely uncontactable etc and then to be distraught as the reality of his selfish behaviour, (daily callous behaviour towards you all I believe) become absolutely distraught at the huge cowardly prick he's been. And then be consumed with shame. But, no, this just sounds like something, I'm afraid, everyone here has experience of when dealing with any selfish coward really.

It really is standard behaviour for someone so selfish and who is used to YOU cutting him slack. That's what he's looking for here - YOU to feel responsible in some way. Lot better than him being responsible for it eh? He'll just pretend oh I think I had a nervous breakdown .. well we can fill you in on the script a bit more when it comes. MAIN THING TO REMEMBER IS HE IS RESPONSIBLE.

I know someone who went through all this and even got referred for bipolar in the end. Psychiatrist opinion was stress caused by marital problem/selfishness in wanting cake and eating it disorder!

Very, very predictable I'm afraid. I don't think he should be there when you tell the children. He's useless. Also please don't think this act continues for BB's purpose.

Please cancel Christmas - this man only thinks of himself. He wants the lunch to assuage his own guilt. Don't provide it.

The last family Christmas together you talk so sadly about this Christmas being, well - I'm afraid you really need to sit up and notice that actually happened last year.

You need to react to what has been happening, look at the distress your children are under, look how H is STILL being a prick! YOU have to make a decision for Christmas not based on him. Your children and you is what your decision should be based on not him feeling he's done a super job of turning up for Christmas lunch!

Your poor children still not knowing why their mum and dad don't act fond of one another any more, don't sleep in same bed etc. They do know really don't they? They might not want to admit it but I'm afraid it's got to be obvious to them.

Good luck

Solo, can you enlist the support of your PIL when you tell the children? This would mean that there are other reliable adults there to support the children unconditionally. It would also mean that your ex has much less control over the situation. I fear that he will either not turn up , or will manipulate the situation to control you with his histrionics, diverting your attention from the childrens' distress.

Solost,

Are you sure you want to tell your children the "unvarnished" truth as you see it at this moment? I have never any child from a divorce where one parent has clearly blamed the other (both my wife and I, for instance) feel, restrospectively, that either parent has behaved in an edifying manner. It is also shattering for a child, who has always believed that their parents have told them the truth, to deal with a one hundred and eighty degree change in one cruel blow.

The kindest thing for the children is just to deal with the basics. As in, Daddy and Mummy still love you all but the living arrangements have changed.