HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

I really like the idea of getting a referral from your gp for family counselling. Perhaps it's something that your h can partcipate in also.

solost, IMO, you should call the twat and insist he comes over today to get the deed done

no more excuses

I would bet my Xmas Bailey's there will be another reason not to do it on Weds (from him)

I've only just noticed this thread and really feel for you. I was in a similar situation several years ago.

I wanted to tell my children myself so that I could control what they were told and how they were told it. ('Wanted' is the opposite to how I felt, obviously.) I arranged for their dad to go out for an hour (he couldn't cope with being there) and I told them whilst he was gone. I arranged for him to come back quarter of an hour before Coronation Street started (!) as they were following it religiously at the time (aged 10 and 8.)

I can't describe how it went - it was the worst experience of my life. When their dad came back, all of them were crying and after ten minutes I said, 'OK let's calm down now - Coronation Street is on in a minute.' I made them hot chocolate and turned on the tv and miraculously they did calm down, even laughed at what happened on the programme.

I do think he should have been their to see their reactions. I do think he was cowardly not to be there. But that was half his problem anyway, being unable to face up to what he'd done.

Phone him and tell him you are going to tell them today and he should be there for it.

I agree. He should do it today. He's on gardening leave, so he can have absolutely nothing more important to do today. It is vital that you tell the kids asap.

I think I'd be phoning him and telling him to come over this afternoon or you'll have to tell them yourself. The uncertainty is taking a dreadful toll on them and you cannot let this continue. He doesn't get to stall and put it off until after Christmas. What kind of father would allow his daughter to suffer anxiety attacks because she doesn't understand where her daddy's gone? It's about putting her needs first; and she needs to know the truth. Then he needs to go about addressing the abandonment problem with the kids. He chose to leave you; he needs to reassure the kids that he won't choose the OW over them too.

Hi Solost - admitting to lurking and I really admire how you're handling such a distressing situation. I know a lot of people have views on telling your DC's sooner; my concern is more a practical one. I know you've mentioned you're a Yorkshire lass - me too . Not sure what part of Yorkshire you are but for me the weather takes a nasty turn back to snow on Wednesday - just a heads up and best of luck, I hope you and the DC's are OK.

I have been following this thread. I think you have been amazing navigating a really confusing situation.

But,

I feel wells of anger that for whatever reason, the children are still living in a state of confusion and anxiety. Please cast your mind back to how you felt at the beginning of your story when your husband left. Imagine if you still didn't know why he was gone?

People always feel when something is being withheld and when their is another motive at play. I think its imperative the children are told asap - today.

It is never going to be good news and from you DP's behaviour I don't think he is ever going to do the right thing. He is the smallest of your children and you unfortunately seem to be the only parent in this situation.

Another one who thinks :

Tell your dc yourself so you can fully control what is said and how its said. Apart from making him squirm (which is understandable)why do you want him there , I think he will just be a complete liability and be selfishly emotional which will be MUCH WORSE for you and your dc

Tell them today.

I have lurked on here and just know you will be fine Solost and feel better once this is done

ps I hope you have abandoned the restaurant idea

Agree 100% with what gettingeasier has said. He's not going to be any use really is he? Will there be another excuse and also is it worth waiting to find out?

I agree you may as well just tell them yourself. It is so not fair on the children to still not know the truth and you are seeing the stress all the uncertainty is having on them. It'll be you dealing with it all anyway won't it?

Also hope you are beginning to realise how bad the restaurant idea is. This man does not deserve it. Your kids will be ok. They will be upset if he's there, if he's not there - because of his actions. Protect them from the more extreme of these emotions by not exposing them to this prick for Christmas lunch please.

the weather is going to deteriorate again on weds

solost, you are being manipulated into a xmas where the children are still having to deal with half-truths and lies

don't let that happen to them

Got to agree with AF here.

I know you so want him to face up to it, time to realise he won't he is a cowardly shit.

It's so sad but like someone else said up thread, it's time to realise, it's not what you want him to see, or what you think he needs, it's about the Dc's now.

You asked what can you do to help? Tell them the truth, tell them why their Dad has left, why he is not at home, why he is acting how he is, why you have been how you are.

It will be awful, but then you can mend, the horrible cloud of uncertanity will be a living hell for them, they know something is up, but don't know what. I do think they need to be told and I don't agree with the poster who says 2 days won't make a difference.

It will to a child that is feeling this level of anxiety and uncertantity, it will be awful.

I think we all know he will do his best come Weds to get out of it.

He really is a nasty piece of work, who does not care he is emotionally damaging his dc's like this.

This man is sacrificing his childrens emotional and mental wellbeing, to save his own skin. As he can't face up to his actions as he is a coward. He'd rather they continued to suffer in the dark for a few days more.

Read that paragraph back and realise how utterly disgusting he is.

The children now they are at this stage, may start to get angry the more it's kept from them too.

Wish you well whatever you decide.

I agree with all the above, and I too am concerned about the alarming toll this is having directly on the DC.

He has to be called over as an emergency asap and made to tell them straight, the whole truth and today ideally.

I loathe this man.

Best of luck, solost.
I hope you and Dh can get this out in the open soon so that the healing process can begin.

Trust your instincts - you have great instincts :)

Hi everyone, thanks for all your comments. I really appreciate them. There has been further worrying developments today. H rang this morning to speak to the DC's, I spoke to him to ask him if he could come sooner to tell the kids. He was rambling and answering in monotone one word answers. Literally didnt seem to know what day it was, didn't want to see DS's at all. All he kept saying was 'don't know, don't want to see anyone'. I asked him where he was, he said he 'didn't know'. There was something about his tone, he really frightened me. Ended the conversation 'gotta go, bye' and put the phone down.

I was so worried I call FIL who tried to call him all morning but he wouldn't return his calls. H rang back around lunchtime. He alternated between singing merrily and the crying, telling me he hated himself, wanted to be alone, but he was OK, didn't know where he was etc. Told himself to sort himself out, get himself back to BB and put the phone down.

He rang back at teatime to speak to DCs - we were all at MIL's. He seemed calmer, said he had been asleep in the car all afternoon but was going back to BB's.

Haven't pushed anything today, don't know whether this is some kind of delaying tactic but strangely didn't feel any sympathy at all. Just sad that such a 'good man' as he once was is now reduced to this 'mess'.

I will tell the DC's on Wednesday - I have to work all day tommorrow and DC's are having a sleepover at PIL's tonight and spending the day with them tommorrow. H did offer to come over tommorrow (this was Sunday) and look after them then tell them when I returned from work. I was considering this especially in light of all your comments but after events this morning, I am reluctant to leave them in his sole care (not sure whether I am overreacting but read something in the newspaper yesterday about how Xmas pushes some ppl over the edge!)?Regardless of whether H is here or not I will do it without him if necessary.

Sorry for the ramble.

Thanks all for your support x

Good God Almighty !

I have no sympathy either, tbh

Whatever is happening with him, you have to distance yourself.

His welfare is not your concern

I sugges you write him ou of he picure completely.

tell the dc yourself

hen ell hem ha daddy is ill and you will be having a family xmas, at home, just you 4 (or go to your family)

he sounds unstable...and you mus no ge dragged in

protect your children from him...you must

I know this sounds melodramatic, but his histrionics will damage his children much more than anyhing he has already done

sorry, my t is sticking

hope you could decipher

"Haven't pushed anything today, don't know whether this is some kind of delaying tactic"

Well it's working then isn't it?

Sorry solo I know how awful this is for you but he is playing you like never before. All the while your dc's are still in the dark .

His reactions have delayed you telling him sooner, delayed the offer of him coming over to tell them, you could have taken this offer EVEN if you didn't have him babysit.

He has had you run around chasing after him, his family, now you are worried he may top himself and the dc's are the ones suffering here in the dark.

Right now it's the Dc's I feel sorry for, as he keeps playing you, and although you are doing great, you keep falling for it.

As wwfin predicted the closer it got, the harder he was going to be, I don't think you were ready for it x

Hi solost. My friend's H did very similar to this. I think he was likely in a mess and upset with his mistakes but it seemed to me that he was playing the "poor me" card. For the benefit of anyone who would listen. He then took himself to see a psychologist and said he was depressed, having a breakdown... Etc anything to give logic or reason to his behaviour. My friend embraced this because she longed for a reason that he left her for ow. :(

Do pil know BB? What have they said to him? That's so good that they are being supportive of you :) it must be hard to see their son make such horrible choices.

Bloody hell!

He's upping the ante isn't he?

All this to avoid facing the truth of what he has done?

I agree 100% with AF. take control of this situation. keep the upper hand.

..anything to give logic or reason to his behaviour. My friend embraced this because she longed for a reason that he left her for ow

please do not fall for this highly manipulative con-trick

Hello Solost

Have only just seen your thread. My experience may be of some help. My dcs are 8 and 10, and XH left in August too.

Initially XH and I together did the old 'we love you but not each other' routine. But actually I think my children are too old, especially the 10 year old to buy that. They knew it had to be more than that, and that we wouldn't rip their world apart for not much.

H left to go to his mums, and I was left alone with them to pick up the pieces They asked me lots of questions like 'what's the main reason'. I covered for him for a couple of days and then thought this was completely wrong for me. I have always had a very honest relationship with them and by covering for XH I was tying myself to his lies.

So I just told them their dad had had a crush on someone else (lite version, but enough for them to know what was up') Which they accepted as a good enough reason for the hell we were going through. I also stopped running to the loo to cry. I wanted them to see that I was upset and this was a big deal, and therefore it was OK for them to cry too.

Now we have a diary on the wall, and they know exactly when they will be seeing their dad, and for how long. And I think the transparency and predictability is very good for them in a time of such turmoil.

I still am angry with XH and think he is selfish and cowardly, but I have taken control of the situation, and I can honestly say they seem OK. Normal. Even quite happy again now.

I would hate for the ball to be in my XH's court like you are permitting.

I say, take control. Show your kids you are honest with them and to be trusted. They will respect you for that. And give them back predictability.

Hugs.

In fact I've just had a quick glance at her emails from that time and some of the same words! . "I don't know where I am...." lots of rambling "need to get myself together..." and "don't want to talk or see anyone. Want to be alone" very unlike himself. Then later crying or joking or just monotone again.

I think he would thrive on her worrying over him, trying to check on him, getting others to check on him...etc. Her dc are similar ages - this is eerie!

In the last few months, he has left his home, moved away, started a new job, is no longer receiving emotional support from his best friend (and his constant texting show how important that was to him, even if he didn't realise that until too late), and his DC are about to learn his true character. It's not surprising that he feels under such stress - but you've been under stress, too, and it's a pity he didn't consider that all those months ago.

However, Solo, that is not your doing. You need to keep focused on the children, and not let him derail you. His parents (who sound lovely) will no doubt be there to support him if he is indeed having a breakdown. However, bear in mind that his actions caused the breakdown, and not vice versa.

When he left you, he relieved you of any responsibility for him. And Helicopter's wise words show how adaptable children can be.

Sorry Solost. I don't believe for one minute that he is as bad as he made himself sound. This is a truly selfish man. He will do anything to avoid facing up to the mess he has made of his life. I'm not saying that as Wednesday drew nearer, it didn't make it all too real for him and he fell apart a bit when he realised that D-day had come, but at least a fair portion of this was to avoid it happening. He'll now trade in on you not wanting the DCs to see a gibbering wreck, so I expect this act to continue until Christmas has come and gone.

Wish you were a fly on the wall at his current home. I expect you'd see him snuggled up with BB and a nice tipple, looking the picture of mental health.

I would now take this out of the miserable coward's hands and tell the DCs yourself.

I find great comfort in the fact that you have wonderful in-laws and they are there for you throughout this. It says a lot for you as a person and for your parenting. You should be proud of that.

I (sadly) agree with the others that there is mega manipulation going on here and this is just some bloke for whom his chickens are finally coming home to roost. What a total waster he is turning out to be. What a shame for your DCs that this is their father.

You are more than making up for this and fate may be handing you the baton here - telling your DCs may be yours alone. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps they need to hear it from the parent who is putting their needs above everything else. Its starting to feel unwise to let him have that priviledge to be honest.

Sounds as though he is playing the biggest emotional blackmail card in the pack. Stick to you guns and keep the wellbeing of your DCs at the forefront of your decisions.

If that means leaving him to have a hissy fit in his car pondering on the meaning of life, so be it.

Hey Solost

You are an inspiration - handling everything really well, but you do remember he was looking up 'mental illness' on the PC before any of these symptoms appeared?

I am playing Devils Advocate here - I have sat while my ex was pale, shaking and telling me how 'lost' he was..while he was making plans to spend the next weekend with his OW.

I dislike myself for thinking badly of another person - especially if they are struggling (and I don't mean any dis respect to you or your dc by saying that....he IS in the wrong)

But I'm begining to see that they follow a script - and we know what it is.