HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Jeez oh lady - you're not to be messed with!

Bloomin Hell check out how far you've come.

I bet you didn't think you would be so assertive and in control in such a small space of time. Personally ( stalker emoticon) I think you're fantastic!!

Sounds like you know what to do. I've had a close friend go through similar but she was nowhere near as level headed and string as you are. I really admire your courage and the way you have put dc first with everything.
Your dc are a lot younger than I thought. He doesn't deserve a second chance but hedges deserve to see the looks on their faces when he tells them. Do you know what he's planning to say?

he does not hedges!

Strong not string. Sorry.

Solost - my, my you have changed but in a good way.

Ideally, you should both tell the girls but I agree that it is a good idea to set a Wednesday deadline.

PLUPERVERT: I agree, but H is still stalling. Is trying to convince me that they can't handle it ALL at one go - he just wants to tell them he is living elsewhere, that it is no-ones fault and that he loves them very much and that he will always be there for them??? But he's not is he? He's abandoned his family and the DC's will realise this - if not straight away, later on. He's even convinced BB of this? And for the first time ever - I find myself agreeing with HER?!!

However, her reasons for me doing this are not in the DC's interests. She wants them told because see thinks that their 'relationship' will be more 'proper' that she will be 'no longer on the sidelines' and that H will no longer be able to come back 'home'.

Even H said to me 'what if our (their) relationship doesn't work out? - Think for the first time he's realised he's not in control of this - I am.

If he's on gardening leave, can he come before Wednesday?

You're doing really well to reassure them. Hope DC are feeling a bit better tomorrow.

HORSES&CHICKENS: Awwww thanks . I feel much stronger and more in control - don't know how long it will last though!! (will enjoy it for now!).

STAREXPAT: He's planning to say.... 'I'm living elsewhere, it's no-ones fault, I'll always be there for you'. However, I will make him tell them EVERYTHING. Of course they are going to ask more questions and I am not going to be blamed for 'driving daddy away' if it is left as he wants it to be left. Even if I have to tell them when he has gone - they will know EVERYTHING one way or another on Wednesday.

THECRACKFOX: I can't wait to tell them - sounds a bit sick, but is not meant that way. I am really looking forward to it all being out in the open. No more lies.

Then in the future, when he lets them down etc. they will know the real reason why and not because 'daddy has to work'.

He is on garden leave but can't be arsed to see his DCs till Wednesday? What a tosser.

Your DCs need to know the whole truth or they will blame themselves for why their daddy has left.

I really admire your compsure and I am sure that your DCs will grow up to be fine people who have stability and love in their lives.

I expect that you don't feel that inside and wish that everything was back to normal, just as it had been before. You are an admirable mother, putting their needs way ahead of any of your own and I think you should take a bow and acknowledge that you deserve a large pat on the back. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you are given your DCs an opportunity to come through this with their futures relatively intact. You go girl!!

Stick with your instincts and remember to look after yourself. Your DCs are going to need you and you need to make sure that you don't run out of energy in the weeks ahead. Don't let your Ex suck the life blood out of you - ignoring his texts must be damned hard, but you need to do that to stay sane.

I don't really know what I am saying! other than to send you my support and wish you continued strength to be the most amazing parent your DCs could wish for. They are very fortunate children.

• giving

If it comes out "bit by bit", after the second "bit", they may end up waiting for more and more and more to "come out". People in companies where lots of staff are being made redundant bit by bit are affected in the same way. No-one believes "this" is the last piece of bad news, and morale plummets (admittedly, there is also "survivor's guilt" to contend with, so slightly different).

Your children are young, so may not be as cynical as adult employees (as in my example), but could still be affected by the drip-drip-drip of bad news.

Also, even if H succeeds in hiding from them that H's mistress "took him away" (as he and she may fear that they will see it), it is possible they will be jealous of her, for seeing more of him. That's not a great "start" for their relationship, either, is it?

Sorry, missed your last post, but just wanted to comment on your sentence: "I can't wait to tell them - sounds a bit sick, but is not meant that way. "

You are keeping an open mind about your own behaviour, and constantly testing your ideas to make sure you are doing the right thing. I think that if you ever do make a mistake you will be able to correct it, and do the right thing.... unlike this other expletive deleted Example, who made a mistake, and then went mad on his mistake, forging deeper and deeper into it. Lovely behaviour. Very helpful. A great contrast to yours.

Up to this point, I have thought that it is absolutely right that your H tells the children the facts, for their benefit in hearing it from the horses mouth, and so that he has some king of punishment for his weakness and actions.

Tonight, having read that he can't tell them before Wednesday, I think that you should take this shitty job on your shoulders and tell them ASAP. Not for his benefit but purely because it sounds as though they need to know and the sooner the better, and for your benefit in that you will find it easier to be truthful for them on a day to day basis. I also think that if you tell them tomorrow, you will give them those extra 2 days to proces the information before Xmas.

You really shouldn't be in this position, but once again, he has failed to step up to it. No great surprise there though, really.

Once again, you are doing great!

Can I just offer a bit of advice based on something you said, obviously feel free to ignore!

If you are both going to tell the DC together, make sure that you tell them everything together. Don't fill in the details that your ex leaves out once he has left.

It will be very confusing for them to hear his version 'it's no ones fault' and then to hear 'well actually he has left me for BB' once he has left, and I really worry that this may make them question whether you are telling the truth which would be just awful. Make sure it all comes out when he is sat with you.

Can't believe he wants to say it's no ones fault, I bet that he actually thinks this in his own twisted version of events.

Solost I hope you can confirm that when he gives his diluted version of the truth, you'll allow a pause and add "Well, that's not the full picture, because Daddy met another woman earlier this year and he left to be with her in August"? You do intend to say that, don't you, in front of him and them, immediately?

His "lite" version of the truth doesn't surprise me one jot. The fact that he's put this off until Wednesday now, is simply playing for time in the hope that you'll back down.

FWIW, I do understand why you want him to see and hear your DCs pain, because if nothing else, this might finally bring home to him what the consequences are of an idiot man who couldn't tell the difference between a crush and real love, but stick with this plan only if it doesn't prolong the agony with your DCs. This current plan only leaves 2 clear days before Christmas and it is truly disgusting that he is putting his own needs before theirs, yet again.

There is no earthly reason for this delay, except his own selfishness and manipulation in thinking that the nearer it gets to Christmas Day, the more you might want to back down so that their Christmas isn't spoilt. In the next couple of days, I expect you'll be hearing pleas from him along those lines, about it being too near the big day.

I'm sure you're one step ahead of him now. I'm just curious though, why did you agree to Weds? What excuse did he give for not coming tomorrow or Tuesday?

And can you confirm that you are going to give him 5 minutes to tell the truth and then pull the rug out from under him in front of the DCs, if he doesn't?

I hate this man

I followed the whole first thread. Solo, you're amazing.

Agree with AF.

I hate this man too.

I make no apologies either for the loaded question I am about to pose.....but what sort of father chooses to be away from a 6, 8 and 10 year old on Christmas Eve?

I'm afraid your DC are starting the show the emotional consequence of having the truth hidden from them. They need to be told the situation asap and they need to know when they can expect to see him on a regular basis and for how long.

You say you don't want him to get away with leaving you to have to tell them and I can appreciate this, however, telling them is not about him nor you, it is for them. You are both prolonging the agony for them and this really isn't healthy.

I would ask your GP for details of local family therapy services so that you can get some professional guidance on how best to help the DC.

Well done for ignoring his texts today. You exH is really such an idiot, it is so evident that he has messed up ,mistaken new and different sex for love and his stuck with someone who doesn't actually hold his interest.

I see where you are coming from Solo and I would have said the same a week ago....

I don't think it's fair on the children or you dragging it out longer......there will be more excuses Wednesday from him, it's just prolonging it for all of you. He is an utter shit.

Your children are like that as they don't know and are scared, IMO they need to be put out of their misery.

If you tell them tomorrow they have 4 clear days, 5 including tomorrow, to ask Q, pick themselves up and at least having some hope of getting into Xmas with the new set up, knowing how it is and what's what.

Springing it on the Weds, they have 2 clear days and it's really close for them.

Obviously you know best and it's your situation but that's what I'd do tbh if it were me.

I can see why you are waiting though, so best of luck with it this week.

Solost - good advice as always. What exactly is his excuse for leaving it until Wednesday? It's not work, wtf is it? WHY can't he come tomorrow? I'd still be tempted to tell him he has to come before Wednesday, it's painfully close to Christmas, they'll barely have registered what's happening by then.
And you just know he's going to cancel again. :(

I also agree with AF - I hate this pondscum "man" too.

Remember - positive language at all times - "DC, I will always be here for you. I will stay with you for as long as you need me.I am your Mum(my) and I love you all more than anything"

I think he is hoping if he has another 'excuse' on Wednesday it won't happen this side of Christmas.

Wednesday is in my opinion too close to Christmas you need to do it today so that they can have a few days to digest the information.

Leaving it until Wednesday they will still be shell shocked and maybe not have fully taken in everything.

Wishing you all the best it is a really hard thing to do.

Just to add. Telling them today gives five days to think of any questions and ask you or their dad.

It is going to be a really shitty Christmas for them and you anyway and expect them (and yourself) to be very tearful Christmas day.

Just if he is tearful too (or repentant and wants to come back) let him know it is tough shit even if he wants to 'do it for the kids'.