HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

I have to agree with the last few posters re early divorce (no personal experience, but from the outside looking in). I can't see any potential gain for you from delaying, whereas, for all of the reasons already given, I could imagine that it would be better for you in the long term if you divorce him soon - you divorce him, by the way, not him divorce you.

Anything could happen - what if BB lost her job? Not unlikey in this financial climate, but his generosity would end overnight. What if she became pregnant?

You have to protect you and your children. Best to strike now whilst his guilt is high and the desire to be generous and resonable is still there.

And even if you are harbouring secret hopes that he will come to his senses, leave her, have a personality transplant and return to you, a divorce wouldn't stop that.

Exactly, ScaredofCows - the friend I mentioned in my last post did in fact take her H back again (mostly for the sake of her DS) but 10y down the line they have split for good. They didn't remarry, but lived together as man and wife; made it easier to split the second time (her choice).

Yes Solost it doesnt have to be a 50:50 split there are lots of things to be taken into consideration.

I should say we have drawn up a Deed of Separation to sort out our finance quickly as I have to move from the family home and didnt want to wait for a divorce. This agreement is 95% watertight and will make the actual divorce very straightforward when the time comes. So if for whatever reason you arent ready for the actual divorce maybe this is something you could consider to protect yourself.

Either way Solost I cannot urge you strongly enough to brace up and begin to deal with this before he changes his tune or as someone pointed out BB loses her job gets pregnant or who knows what.

I didn't keep up with the whole thread, is bb for bastard's bitch?

BB = Bunny Boiler

ta!

lol I previously thought it was for big bitch.

I agree about him being more generous in a settlement now than he will be later on down the line. I know you think he's decent and wouldn't ever go back on his word and will always to x y & z. I know it will be difficult to convince you. Because you will not believe that your H will ever do any of the things about which people are warning you. It is difficult to believe. But... he had an affair. He lied to you and cheated on you. He's not a decent person, solost.

Agree - take advantage of his guilt in the way he once took advantage of your trust. Don't you want to be free?

He knows he is damaged goods. It doesn't sound all hearts, flowers and Eden with the boiler, so when that breaks up the conversation between him and any possible new lady will go something like this...

Lady - "So, you're divorced and see your kids on odd weekends..."
Him - "Yes. It's so sad, I love them so much, blah blah."
Lady - "Hmm, okay Mr sensitive nice dad, so why did the marriage end?"
Him - "Erm... (small voice)... cos I shagged bb behind my lovely wife's back and abandoned them all. So she rightly divorced me."
Lady - "(Tumbleweed rolls past, for she has run away as fast as she can)"

That is why he is clinging on to you. Please work at getting out of this mess so you can dust yourself down and recover, before thinking what your next move will be.

He doesn't deserve to be married to you anymore.

Who cares if he wants a divorce or not he lost any say in that the moment he dipped into another woman!

What do YOU want?

Don't you only have 6 months from discovery of an affair to be able to use that in a divorce petition? Or is that just if you are still living together?

Start the ball rolling on the divorce. It doesn't have to be THE END.

People get back together/remarry etc many times.

It may be very scary but at least you will know fully where you stand financially rather than waiting for an axe to fall and him just cancelling money into your account when it suits him.

This is frightening stuff.

what is, plupervert? What happened to Solost? That the man she had been with for 27y suddenly left her for his "soul mate" and then made a good attempt to utterly ruin her Christmas, only prevented by her great courage and good sense? And he has been lying to her, deceitful, pretended to have a breakdown, tried to emotionally blackmail her into submitting to his dictats by threatening to never see their 3 DC again...

Or were you perhaps meaning the advice she is being given?

I didn't mean the advice, but the experiences which had prompted the advice. Please don't worry; I haven't been trying to discourage and I wouldn't.

That's ok, just wanted to clarify what you meant, tbh. :) Sorry if I sounded a tad shirty!

Hi everyone, thank you all for your advice. Im not sure what I want re: the divorce, it sounds scary, final - and I don't think im ready for it yet.

Originally I dug in my heels because BB was pushing H to get a divorce so I said I would make him wait as long as possible, and part of me still wants to make them wait! But I do understand what you are saying about sorting out the financial stuff. I will contact the solicitor about sorting out some agreement - dont think H has got a solicitor but am sure BB will sort one out for him.

GETTINGEASIER: Will definately consider getting a Deed of Separation - thanks!

MUMMIEHUNNIE & STAREXPAT: at your interpretation of BB - quite accurate!

LISASCAT: Thanks for sharing your experience. I know I will divorce him eventually for exactly the reasons you cited, it just feels to soon? at the moment.

XALES: I see where you are coming from but at the moment everything gets paid from the joint account, which only HIS wages get paid into. All the bills are in his name and he has a big thing about never getting into debt or behind on anything so I am OK at the moment. He has always been more than fair about supporting us all. But I am aware that things will change at some point and will make contingency for this.

Solost you will need a new thread soon. It's at 915 and each one only holds 1000 messages :)

I can see why you wouldn't want to get divorced and it is scary. But better while he's generous :)

STAREXPAT: Thanks, if I start a new thread can you do a link for me? Not sure how to do one!

Solo, you can do anything your heart desires...

Here's how to to links:

Type 2 of these square brackets: [

Then paste the web address of the page you want to link to.

Press space then type Link Here, or any other descriptor

Then close the square brackets x 2 of these ]

Job done...

Nobody says Solo can't do links, not on my watch!

just me that thinks there could be some Reverse psychology here,

you divorce him,

she'll pressure him to marry her...

he'll bail...

I do totally understand your reticence though, only when you are ready.

Something else to note as well (my family and friends do have their uses for examples!) - whenever you get around to the divorce thingy - as you probably know, you get your decree nisi first, and then later your decree absolute. BUT if you don't proceed to the decree absolute (for whatever reason), the decree nisi "runs out" - iirc, after about 3 years.

Not posting that for any particular reason other than a piece of information that many people probably don't know!

I don't want to continually be the harbinger of doom here either, but do remain suspicious of his current reasonableness - as I and others have said, it could be the prelude to his next "attack". :(

Solost long time lurker, but thought I would let you know about when I split with my exH due to an affair with a family friend, two days after he left we sat down and sorted finances and what he was going to pay for the children, he then put it is writing, I know that this would not stand up in court so then also saw a solicitor. He did stand by what he agreed and never once quibbled, but I think that had a lot to do with guilt, if however I had waited longer I know for sure that this generousity would have waned as time passed.

I also went straight for divorce, but would have waited the two years to go for the decress absolute as I wanted to make it difficult had he have wanted to marry OW, as it happens his relationship with OW only lasted 18 mnths and then never went for the decree absolute until 9 years later

Solo. I was scared I had started a huge and perhaps untimely call fit divorce with my indignant message. I really can totally understand why divorce is a big deal on so many levels. But you know I has no reason to be scared. You have always taken advice on the chin, thought about, and made your own decisions.

I think you will do that with that silly man's take on life as well as ours! I just want to add two thoughts; divorce may lead to your children feeling more settled and as s

Solost, thumb's instructions are correct, but I'm happy to do it for you if you would like as well! :) Just let us know when you've started one.

I also agree with LMHF's 23.52 post. sorry in a hurry so can't type it out.

Good to see you back solo and stronger!