HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Oh Solo, this is so hard for you and I am sure that some of the others will give you good advice on what is happening.

Your priority is your DCs and yourself. Whatever is going on with him is probably heightened by the festive season and he may also be unwell.

However, your DCs don't need to witness that (unless he needs an audience) and I do feel that it is important that they are brought into this situation in a way that enables you to handle things - You are in charge of what information they have about what is going on.

I personally think that you did the right thing in calling his parents. You cannot take him on at the moment. His parents sounds as though they are compassionaite and caring people. They will be as worried as you and may be the only people who can help him at the moment.

Whether he is being manipulative or not remains to be seen. Keep yourself safe and do not be drawn into his drama. He got himself into this and needs to get himself out of it. If you become involved, you will not have the strength to continue being there for your DCs.

I may be talking rubbish but I think you do know this man and cannot help but be worried for him. If it is a mental illness, then it is professional help that he needs. If he is messing with you, you will need the distance from him to survive in the months ahead.

Take care of yourself. This is hard.

As predicted, he obviously can't face the DC, and doesn't want them to think less of him by knowing the truth. There are two possibilities:
a) He is having a breakdown. When he has recovered, he'll want to see the DC again whatever he says now, so ignore that threat.
b) He's not having a breakdown, and he's merely cynically manipulating you. Again, ignore the threat that he won't want to see them again.

In either case, you must tell the children. They must come first. Do not reconsider telling the DC.

I know you think he is really having a breakdown. You worry who will look after him? Even if he really is having a breakdown, that person is not you. He left you. He will be looked after by his parents, BB, healthcare professionals, someone else. You look after yourself and DC - don't let him take you down with him.

If anyone rings BB, his parents could do this. Don't get involved.

emmyloulou is right on the money there, sadly.

If he is having a real breakdown, please get yourself to that solicitor and sorted as soon as you can.

If he has to go sick for any period of time will you be OK finacially?

Another one here who says you must tell your DC's tomorrow as planned.

Their menatl health is more important than his. He never has any intention of telling the kids- hoping that you would back down. Now that he sees you are serious he is having to think of a way to make you agree to NOT telling them.
So he threatens to disappear if you tell them well that is emotional blackmail, making you doubt your actions. It's all about him, he is thinking of no one but himself. Everything that has happened to him is all self inflicted.
YOU OWE IT TO YOUR DC'S TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH, THIS HAS BEEN AVOIDED BY YOU BOTH FOR TOO LONG NOW--NO WONDER YOUR DD'S ARE NOW SUFFERING

Those kids could fear their beloved dad is dying/having cancer treatment/staying away to avoid them seeing him ill. Their minds will be racing with the possibilities and the reasons for his absence. And all of this is worse than it need be. Ok, they will be devastated that he no longer lives there with them, but will prefer that to fearing his death.

You simply must tell them and reassure them.

This is turning darker and darker by the minute. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Solost, you have to see him for what he is now. He loves his children so much that he thinks knowing the whole truth will be too much for them to bear. Because of that overwhelming parental love, he now vows to never see them again if you tell them something he does not them to hear. Doesn't make sense, does it? This is a threat designed to crumble your resolve.

Whether he really is having a mental breakdown or not, emotional blackmail is always emotional blackmail. There is nothing to be gained from giving him control over the situation, whether he is manipulative or unstable.

I would enlist PIL's support for telling the children tomorrow. They will understand why this is so crucial and why the whole family dynamic must not be derailed because of what your faithless husband desires, sane or not. Why should everybody's else needs come second to his? This is a man quite used to getting everything his way and clearly determined to keep it that way. I cannot believe his lack of consideration for anybody apart from himself. It is very chilling.

Thanks for all your comments. I do believe he smashed up her flat ftr - he does have a temper (he would/has never touched me or the DC's) or so I thought - until now.

Certain things he said - made me feel worried about how this is all going to end. I am SO glad he is over there and not here atm and never thought I would EVER say that.

I just don't want him around me or the DC's at the moment.

With regard to telling the DC's - I really don't know what to do for the best - I KNOW, I KNOW - he's playing exactly to the script, that you all predicted this, I know how it appears BUT this is so HARD. I really don't know whether I can do this alone.

I am so shaken by tonights events, I know it looks like I am putting him first I KNOW, I feel so pathetic, I'm as bad as he is - the DC's have got to know - GOD THIS IS SUCH A MESS. I really don't know how I am going to do this - do you think I should ask PIL's to be there?

I am so sorry, I feel I am letting you all down, you have all been so brilliant with your advice and I am appearing to be a spineless as H. Its just everything seems to spiraling out of control and I am really scared, and for the first time in 27 years - I am really scared of H

I have got a horrible feeling the childrens mental health and emotional well being is going to end up coming second to his " issues " and manipulation.

Your children MUST come first.

You are not letting us down, don't worry about that. Keep lying to your children, you will be letting them down and they will remember it forever.

It's harsh but true, I can't believe you are thinking of sacrificing their mental health and keeping up the lies for him.

Think of your children, their mental health and if you want to be complicit in making it worse. That may help you focus, I hope so for their sake.

But you CAN do ir alone and you MUST do it alone.
This drama is going to be continually played out unless it is brought to a conclusion which will the telling of your DC's
Nothing that has happened has been your fault and you are no longer responsible for H's behaviour.
Sleep on is solost, things should be a bit clearer in the morning..
You have come such a long way in such a short time.
You will do the right thing tomorrow--your DC's need to know.

You are not letting anybody down. This is an impossible situation, but you really can cope!

Definitely ask PILs for support. Not because you are trying to turn them against H, but because they do sound considerate and, just like the posters on this thread, will understand where you are coming from. You need their support to do the best thing for the children, who have no choice in the matter. Think how scary this is for you and imagine how they must be feeling.

Did the DCs saw him today?

Have to agree 100% with emmyloulou

Oh sweet jesus Solo, this is just hellish!

I know you are worried, but if he were cracking up, for real, would he be right minded enough to make threats about not seeing the DC?

I'm not sure he would.

But I know nothing, I bow to greater knowledge/instinct on here...

Tell the children

Finalise this, for them

There is no way back for you with your husband, you must surely be able to accept that now....no more holding onto hope for you

If he turns up again, call 999 and have him removed

he is a danger to himself, and ultimately to you and your dcs

all this is entirely of his own making and he xmas urkey is coming home to roost

he still wants you to rescue him, and make everything ok

except it is not ok

You poor woman. As if he wasn't cruel enough to cheat, but this too?

I would definately ask the Pil to come over to yours. The children need reassurance that life will still go on as normal,(as it can be without him there of course) and children are resillient. They adapt. But they need the facts, otherwise their minds work overtime.

Dont forget solost, he has known you for years, he knew how to decieve you for a while, and he knows how to tap into your compassionate nature. As the others have said, if this is a breakdown, he needs help, but you can't provide it. Being held to ransome will not help him, it will hinder his recovery and give him delusions of grandeur. He will never give you peace if you give into this blackmail.

The children must come first. You must see this, they have had painful limbo for months.

Just a thought

If he is in such a state today--do you think he is going to make a miraculous recovery for Christmas day and if not how do you then explain his abscence to your DC's???

Hey Hun
No one on here thinks you are pathetic, lots of us are taking inspiration with the way you have acted. You should not be going through this at all.

I guess we can seem really harsh and every situation is clear cut when we post - but you, your dc and dare I say it dh and bb's emotions are running high at this point - and that has to be really hard.

Do what you think is right for the dc

Tonight, my ex has threatened never to see our dc again after I said I would contact the OW - they do it to hurt us because they know (despite how crap they are to us)we want them to be there for our children.

Our kids don't deserve them sometimes.

Good luck Chuck x thinking about you.

x posted with emmy

I agree with her

don't worry about letting us down

and don't worry about him

worry about your children

He does still want to tell btw. Just not before Xmas? He said it was not the 'right time'. I asked when would be the right time? He's supposed to be looking after them on Boxing Day - alone, have got PIL in as a back up BUT if I tell them, and he knows I have - which he will, I can't keep that from him. I really wouldn't want him to have them unsupervised (not sure I would want him to have them unsupervised atm).

I am sure he wouldnt hurt them - but you read about these things don't you? Can't get out of my head those stories you read in the newspapers about people cracking up and hurting their families especially at Xmas, I know it sounds dramatic and hysterical BUT there was something about him tonight - he really scared me in the way he seems detached, empty - like he didnt really care about anything anymore.

solost I have been lurking here and would just like to add my 2 cents worth.
My Mum left my Dad when I was 8 to live with another man, she sat me down one day and told me what was happening. She did this a few days before she left, I had a few days to ask all the questions that come into an 8 year old head like "will I get two lots of Birthday presents" and "will I get a second bedroom". I can honestly say I have never felt like my parents divorce effected me at all and I put that down to the honesty. PLEASE PLEASE TELL YOUR CHILDREN, your Husband will not go through through with his threat of never seeing them again, no parent would do that (no good one anyway. They need to know, the sooner you do it the better and then you can start to enjoy Christmas.

If he was really in that much of a state how did he manage to drive his car? He can switch this on and off to suit because he is not mentally ill he is acting out.

So if he gets his way and you don't tell the DC he will turn up at the restaurant and play the lovely Daddy.

Mind you how does he expect to divine whether you have told them or not?

You can't be thinking of leaving him with the kids after this? He has gone awol, smashed up bb's flat, headbanged and threatened to abandon his kids. If he wants you to believe he is mentally ill, why would you believe it but leave him in sole charge of the kids?

He is obviously not that mentally screwed up if he is able to rationalise

1. that he will tell them on boxing day (that gets him thrugh xmas nicely)

2. if you tell them before xmas he will be gone ( so he would dump the DC's as he umoed you--what a Bastard)

You are being played....

So he beats the shit out of her flat and comes round to yours, cut and bleeding?

Did the DC see him in this state?

OK, calm. Calm.

Tell him that in light of his behaviour, you don't want him coming to see you or the Dc unless arranged in advance.

Remind him that it was HIS choice to leave, HIS choice of partner, job, etc,

Remind him it was HIS choice to smash up her flat, and that your only mutual interest is the DC. Any subject outside of this will not be a part of any conversation. Tell him that you are putting it simply for the avoidance of confusion.

You do not care, nor want to hear about his other life, he made it so, he deals with it. If he refuses to see the DC, they will eventually get over it and they will see HIM for the deadbeat dad that this action would make him. Tell him it's HIS choice what kind of father he will turn out to be.

Then that is it. Totally disengage, get a new mobile and only allow him to contact you regarding time with the DCs.

Cancel the Christmas lunch with him and find something else to do. Could you spend it with your ILs?

Cut contact with him unless you are convinced he is safe to speak to.

Someone (probably WWIFN) said this will get nasty in the end.... they were right. It will, it has and it is.