HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR II - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Just to clarify, when I say he wants you to feel responsible - I don't mean for whole situation. I mean for HIS FEELINGS/EMOTIONS/WELL BEING etc. He wants to make you feel needed in making HIM feel better i.e. try to understand him, work out why he behaves in such and such a way etc. Then he can get on with not feeling so guilty if he thinks you see this as some terrible dilemma for him.

Please remember to stop worrying about him. I know it's hard - you're obviously a caring person - he knows that and he is taking advantage I'm afraid, again.

As you rightly have rightly said to him, any further emotional turmoil should only be for the ears of the BB. Please leave your headspace for the people that need it - your children and you. Don't question why he's behaving this way. It's best to just react, deal, then tell him your decisions and add on the end .. please save the crying for the BB.

If the BB didn't know where he was, why wasn't she on the phone to you to check things out. I would have thought her first assumption in that situation would be that he had gone back to you.

He was always going to panic over this part of the journey. Up to now he has probably thought that his options are open to whether he returns or not. Once the children know, things become much more permanent, he has to deal with them knowing what he has done. Little wonder he is a snivelling mess, his escape routes and choice are narrowing rapidly.

Wow he is playing a blinder isn't he?

How many of us before his 'breakdown' said look for what is coming next to stop him having to tell your children?

So he is now cosily ensconced at home with the OW, probably still snuggled in bed enjoying the start of their Christmas holidays while you sort out last minute childcare AND WORRY ABOUT HIM.

I agree with the others this is not going to magically stop by Christmas and well perhaps he has really agreed to go with OW to her family as she wanted and forget you and his children. So let's play a convenient MH issue.

Is he capable of this? This is the man capable of lying to you, cheating on you, walking out on you, walking out on his children......

Of course he is capable of this. It is all about number one still.

He really has played this well hasn't he!

A very good point Xales. I've been thinking that he still wishes to assuage his guilt. I'd forgotten just how manipulative he has been up until now.

This could be really the BB pressuring him to spend Christmas day with her and he he's buckling under pressure. He wants you to take decision out of his hands by "having mental break down" and not being reliable to be around over Christmas as he just can't bear the stress of seeing the poor innocents looking back at him!

Well my advice is either way good riddance. If that is his motive behind it, then just leave them to get on with it. You really shouldn't care about someone pulling this stunt what ever his motive is.

Really, Solo, do you want your own mental health played around with any longer by this man? The concern you are showing yet again for him, must now be highlighting for you how cruelly he has treated your own mental health, coping with everything over the last months?

This is not a mental health issue this is a reality check.

precisely

Solo - you need to prioritise your mental health as your children need you more than ever whilst your DH swans around without a care in the World. The stress you are under is immense, you work, look after 3 children without any help, and are trying to hold it all together.

What (apart from not having his cake and eating it) stress is your DH under exactly? He is on gardening leave and not doing any parenting - he is living the life of riley IMO. He is lazy, selfish, untrustworthy and manipulative.

Ok, lets say he is suffering some sort of mental crisis (which I don't think he is, more all consuming self pity) surely, the best thing you can do is take control of the situation. It doesn't really change what you need to do.

Anyone who has experienced mental illness in the family knows that love and tlc does not 'cure' it, in the same way that love and tlc doesn't cure a broken leg. Often it does reach a crisis point when the health authorities step in. If a crisis point is coming there is nothing you nor anyone else can do to prevent it. And I agree with the other posters who say that silence and a lack of articulation are truer than drunken self pitying rants.

As he is now with someone else, it is up to her to step in or his parents, not you. Remember, his parents have been looking out for him all their lives so they will look out for him now. You must not get sucked into the situation with him - your children are your priority. Their mental health is suffering too.

Thinking of you still Solo, hang on in there. x

I think we should be careful about thinking he is faking.

Ofcourse he may well be, but unfortunatley he is the typical type of person to suffer from MH issues. From everything Solost has told us he sounds like a perfectionist. And if it is anything less than perefct then it can't be for him. Eg - It wasn't a smutty affair - as that doesn't fit with his standards - so in his mind it must be the love of his life to upend his family over. His job of 19 years is no longer perfect as is not held in such high regard - so he changes it. Just becasue he is not fitting in with other MN's experience of MH issues does not mean it's not real. Even if he is faking it - that in itself is a serious issue of delusion.

I don't think it's fair ( and I'm not defending him - I'm truly not - but I have had issues with MH (mild) myself a long time ago) to say he is not under stress.

He has moved from a nearly 2 decade job, and also his nearly 2 decade wife. His Parents have essentially disowned him, and the 'love of his life' is turning out to be less than perfect. i think he must be under untold stress, and very lonely. Now ofcourse it's no more than he deserves.

I do think it suits him that the revelation is coming out now, and he is wallowing in his unhinged 'state' But I also think mental health issues cover a very very broad spectrum, and the WORST thing that can be done is for it not to take it seriously.

Men especially are more suseptible ( sp!!!???) to these things.

That said, faking or not faking - your path is still the same. You need to protect your DC. There are 3 of them and 1 of him.

That is why should go ahead and tell the kids tomorrow. Let him know you are going to. It would be better if he was there etc. It's his choice. Your not telling the kids to punish him - your doing it becasue it's in there best interest. You've researched and umm'd and aah and decided this window before christmas, is the best for them to come out it all unscathed.

His mental state to be oinest is a side issue currently. I

In terms of his MH, I think you have to tell him that your responsibilies are to the children. You will help him in anyway possible, but only in under the appropriaeness of your new relatshionship - which is that you are seperated. You are no longer his primiary contact it is BB. HE CHOSE THIS TO BE THE CASE.

It's great to look at it all with out all the emotion - and say he is no longer your concern etc - but.... he is the dad to your kids, and he needs to be in there life as best he can. So I think give support as best you can without actually bearing the brunt. Encourage him to talk to professionals, his parents etc. Remind him daily if necessary of his choices to exclude you from his life.

A positive out of all this is change IS happening. When you started the thread you were drifting, but now as painful as it is, progress IS being made.

I really admire you Solost. You really have mighty broad shoulders to be carrying all this. Women amaze me sometimes - we truly are a remarkable and selfless species.

Don't let this derail you from YOUR course and the progression YOUR family require to under go. He in actual fact is imaterial to all of that, as you can't control it.

X

Hi Solost,

I have no idea if your H is having MH issues but what I and everyone else on this thread knows is that he is a proven liar.

After the despicable way he has treated you and the DC's this past year I would not trust a word that came out of this mans mouth. If he is having MH problems, so be it. It is not your responsibility or concern as long as it does not impact on the DC's. The situation is entirely of his own making.

And even more worryingly, if he is using this to manipulate you more, then his tosser rating (which was already at maximum) has just tripled in my eyes.

Please try and stay strong - I hope you don't get sick of hearing it but you really are doing amazing. And I'm another one who thinks your PIL's are wonderful x

horsesandchickens makes a good point - if he is not faking it, then it needs to be taken seriously. BUT - by OTHER PEOPLE. His parents, BB, whoever - but NOT YOU. Except that if he truly is having a breakdown then you really can't let him have the DC unsupervised, it wouldn't be safe. Tell him so, just in case. And BB is absolutely NOT sufficient supervision, should he suggest it.

faking/not faking

solost's approach should be precisely the same

no longer her concern except where it impacts directly on the dc

exactly, AF.

Just checking in Solost. Still here, still reading, still thinking of you, especially tomorrow. Huge hugs.

Solo I think having PIL nearby when you/you both tell the children is a very good plan. They will each want to spend a little time with you cuddling them; having extra totally trustworthy adults would help.

I do think that silly man is stressed, and worried, and more than likely depressed. That is not your problem, you and the children are enough to take care of right now. xx

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments.

Today he disappeared - no contact with anyone until 4.00pm - then he rang, said he was coming over - he was on his way.

When he arrived, his head was cut and bruised, his hand the same he looked odd sounded odd. He told me he wasn't going to tell the DC's anything before Xmas and that if I did - he would'nt see them again EVER. Not sure what that meant but I do know that he meant it.

I asked him what he had done to his head, he told me he had smashed it into a door!! He told me he had smashed up BB's flat then tried to leave and because she tried to stop him he smashed his head against the door until she let him go (this was last night).

I am very worried about his mental state, phone PIL to let him know - there was loads of other stuff he said which worried me.

I know you all think he is manipulating me but I really think he has had some kind of breakdown. I know (knew) him so well - he is acting completely out of character and he is scaring me, although I didnt show it. Just wanted him out of my house as quickly as possible. I know this isn't my responsibility - thats why I rang PIL (not sure I did the right thing - was going to ring BB but didnt). HORSES&CHICKENS is right, he is a total perfectionist and likes to be in control and now his world is crashing down around him.

I don't know what to do?

TELL THEM TOMORROW AS YOU AGREED!!! They need to know. He is being a manipulative git!! He is not mentally ill he is a twat. I am a health care professional and I would not recognise his behaviour as anything other than attention seeking.

He is trying to deny reality and his head keeps filling with thoughts he can't bear so he bashes it against a wall?? How will that help?

You know the DC need to know what is going on and whether he is there or not you must tell them.

You are the strong one here. You are in charge. He has chosen this path and now he has reached the stony part he doesnt like it. Tough!

He can choose to admit he has fucked up, apologise to you and ask for another chance, or he can hit his head against a door and shout boohoo. His choice!

I hate him too.

You tell the kids tomorrow, think of YOUR DC'S mental state. they must know whatever.

Me I think it's all a total con, read here.....

"He told me he wasn't going to tell the DC's anything before Xmas and that if I did - he would'nt see them again EVER"

Good god solost see the light please, whatever it's all one big mind fuck so you don't do what he fears. Yes he is fucked up, it's all because he is an utter coward!

The children are having panic attacks and mental issues of their own due to being lied to, they must know. They must come first. It's a ploy for you to keep them in the dark longer, regardless of their mental state about it all, he does not care, you must.

I am disgusted. You must think of your children now, not him, you must be strong for them. x

I would suggest you ring you PIL and tell them you are going to unplug the phones and then do it. What he chooses to do is up to him. You are not responsible for him

Oh and maybe you can spare just a tiny shred of pity for BB whose lovely dream life is crumbling around her? Or maybe not...

Try and detach. My H did some very weird and alarming stuff when he was hiding the affair and after we separated. Really crazy stuff. A year on and with counseling he is in a better place. Especially now he's not living a double life as we're almost divorced. It is easy for me to say this but he's not your responsibility anymore and I suspect he's not being honest with you right now at all and I do think he's manipulating you

I've been quite poorly for several days so I'm not keeping up very well at the moment but we think we know our H's and it's so hard to think they're not being honest it's also alarming and scary watching it all play out as their world crumbles around them but do the best you can to try and detach imo

I used to think my H had pressed the self destruct button he became a shadow of the man he was, all for the OW

Please tell your children as you planned.

They are in a terrible state, panic attacks, crying etc. Their well being is the most important thing.

Much, much more important than a man who has been a selfish wanker for months now. If he is having problems or not that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

If he chooses to carry out his threat and yes HE IS THREATENING YOU not to see the children that is his decision not yours.

He is playing you like a fiddle and you are still looking for the man you thought he was not the man who screwed another woman, decided she was more important (his soul mate) and abandoned you and the children who he is now threatening not to see if you put them first for a change.

Do what is right for your children's mental well being. You are the only one there to do so.

solost, another one here who hates him.

He is playing you like a violin. We could all see it coming, he had no intention of telling the kids. He saw you were getting stronger and detatching and he had to up the ante, and join equity while he was at it by the sounds of things

I'm sorry to be blunt, but now it seems to me you are putting him and his needs/wants/bullshit threats over your kid's needs.

Dear god, it's been months, no wonder they are confused and panicked. Tell them.

I agree with everyone else Solost, your children are your main priorty here not your Ex H who forsaked you and your children for the OW. Your children need you and need the truth now. Your Ex H is not your concern anymore, he's chosen his bed and he can lie in it. But your children will always be yours and need the truth and reassurance desperately.

I'm sorry that he did that to you Solost. He has no business doing that to you, none at all.

Please - you MUST still tell the DC. You cannot possibly let them carry on with the situation they are living at the moment.
Your H is making empty threats to try and control you! Are you seriously going to forget about telling them and go through the charade of playing "happy families" on Christmas Day?? can you just see how that would go? Cos I can.

YOU MUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH. Their wellbeing depends on them being a full part of the situation, not sidelined in limbo as they currently are.

So VERY unlikely that he smashed up BB's flat - chances are he didn't do anything like that at all or she'd have called the police and had him arrested! And now he has a bashed head, he could very well tell her that YOU hit him with something because he "told you in no uncertain terms that he was spending Christmas with BB".

Yes I'm guessing - but it's quite a plausible situation, given what he's been doing.

And as I said before - FORGET what you think you know about this man. It's all changed. He is different to your husband, he is a stranger to you.

I am beyond disgusted with his behaviour - really, how utterly despicable he is. The lengths he will go to - and teh emotional blackmail as well? WEll, I'd call his bluff. Because, quite frankly, if that's the sort of shit he's capable of, I wouldn't WANT him in my DC's life any longer because he'll only fuck them up more.

GAHHH!! I am getting more and more wound up that this vile little toadspit of a "man" dared to come and upset you like this!! What a shitebag wanking BASTARD he truly is!!

PLEASE TELL YOUR CHILDREN THE TRUTH TOMORROW.
He is making empty threats. He is trying to control you with his mindfucking games. He is a manipulative fuckwit and apparently a consummate liar.

And for goodness' sake, cancel the Christmas lunch IMMEDIATELY because it is going to be a disaster! Either he is mid-breakdown, in which case it will be dreadful; or he has been winding you up and you will realise when he turns up Christmas Day perfectly ok and be fucking furious; or he just won't turn up at all. None of which make for a cosy "family" lunch.

Be strong now, Solost - now is the time your DC need you the most to do the right thing for them. Your H can look after himself, and if not, he has his parents and BB. He is NOT your concern. YOUR CHILDREN ARE.

(((hugs))) - you need them - take a stiff drink if necessary but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go ahead with telling them.