"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

previous thread page 40

previous thread page 41

Sorry,my essay killed the last thread.

piranhamorgana

Wow...just wow...you are right your previous post is all so damned familiar.

I knew there were others who had families like mine from reading here and many,many other places...but to find a mirror story is astounding.

I really am shocked for the minute and am going back to read again.

Thank you for posting that piranhamorgana...I know you understand how much that means to me. xx

Snowy after reading your last few posts,

1. I am so grateful just to get a Christmas card containing emotional blackmail once a year. Having my mum and step dad next door There isn't enough valium in all the world to help me cope with that!

1. I'll clear out the back bedroom for you if they decide not to move after all.

I'm afraid my house is crammed full of crystals, buddhist paraphenalia and hippy shit. Do you like lentil stew?

Nemo...my house is full of hippy shit too!

I don't like my lentil stew...tastes like cardboard ..but am willing to give yours a go!

piranhamorgana

I talk reasonably open to my DC's about my parents as well...took me along time...but I will not be the 'family secret keeper' any more.....so try to tell them age appropriate things.

I have more reveals to do to other relatives in the New Year, I will not hide our dysfunction any longer I can't maintain the facade any more.

Actually my Father pushed my hand with this ... he was making burblings about paying for the DC's college in a few years and having them to live with him if they needed quiet study space!!

Gawd talk about panic at the mention of my DC's living with and owing him stuff!! It made my head spin it did!

Hi MummieHunnie...my 'drama' has been and left for the day...but only left good news.

I have put my face on and am off to take my doggies on the school run in a little while.

I shall enjoy the winter sunshine...if I am lucky and she's there I will chat to my friend on the way home. xx

BTW - I had PND ,rather than NPD after dd2 was born!

My DH has always known how controlling/manipulative my parents are.

The first time he realised there were 'unusual' problems was one night when DH and I were 'courting' my parents went to the pub, we stayed at home watching TV.

All 11 o'clock I started panicking about our cups being unwashed, the cushions unplumped and us having ate all the crisps...to my shame I sent DH (then DP) to the local garage to replace the crisps before my parents could get back. They are truly evil when they have been drinking.

He also watched in shock once when I was about 30 and my Father kicked off about something on the news...he was only shouting...but I was sat at the kitchen table and cowered putting my hands over my head...it was instinctive.

I am very lucky, DH took me on knowing all this and more and has never used my vulnerability against me.

Gosh, I'm reeling from the weirdness of the parents in the last dozen posts!

Going to limit myself to a few comments, and they might come across as too crisp. I'm sorry, they're not meant to be.

I've 'trained' my mother to respect my front & back doors over the past year. When she arrived without notice - knocking, peering through the letterbox & trying to force the back door open (it's broken), I opened and stood on the doorstep, saying "I asked you to ring before you visit". She'd say she was passing anyway - she lives nearby - and I said that wasn't the point. She'd ask if she could come in, I'd say No. She'd ask "Why?" and I'd say "Because I need you to respect my personal space." Then I'd wish her a nice day, and tell her I'd love her to visit when she rang to arrange it.

I couldn't have done this as clearly if my father were still alive, because he would have taken his anger out on her. He did respect my NC in my early twenties, so I think I would have gone that route again.

She still tries it on - and has aften phoned from the end of my street, saying "I'm ringing to let you know!" (hahaha) I know mummiehunnie has carried through a similar exercise with her mother, and piranhamorgana has achieved amazing breakthroughs wrt her spectacular parents.

I am letting my nephews know I consider their parents abusive, pm, and am borrowing from you in allowing myself to be unafraid of the family wrath that will fall on me for doing so.

Snowy, it sounds like your brother could do with a visit to the Stately Home! This may sound ridiculous (but isn't) - how about you suggest getting some PIR alarms for his doors & garden, and telling him why?

I understand your aversion to labelling, Honolulu. Thank you for sharing your story. It looks as though the co-patients' attempts to label you triggered the feelings you had about your parents' insistence that you were 'mad'. Would it help you to consider that it's a characteristic of BPD to seek to blend with the personalities of those around them? That is: their labelling was not to do with you or what they saw in you - it was an attempt to make themselves feel more comfortable, by inventing shared qualities between you.
This sort of thing happened quite often in rehab. It was very instructive!

I feel privileged to 'know' the members of these threads. Thank you for starting the new one, mh :)

Hi Grace

I think my brother knows what's coming...he's distanced himself from the rest of the family...not answering phone calls etc.

He's doing the same as I did withdrawing from his life...ready to cope with them.

Tbh I'm a bit worried about him, but haven't got the strength to protect him as well as myself.

I know I'm a screwy mess...but I am sure his mess is far bigger than mine. He had an extra 21 years indoctrination compared to me and used to work for my Father right up until he left home. He finally left home through letter writing not direct confrontation.

He's NEVER stood up to them. :(

Hi Grace - thanks, that is helpful! I did realise in time that the PBD co-patients' labelling of me wasn't about me. The session after the one they ganged up and called me that, I expressed how angry I was about it. Only one of them wasn't there: she had a habit of not turning up the session after a difficult one. That went on a lot amongst several of the group members and it was very interesting. Anyway, when I expressed my anger at the diagnosising of me, the BPD person who was there did apologise, saying he felt angry with me over something I'd said (which he had grossly misinterpreted) and had wanted to attack me.

I still feel resentful that the other BPD patient wasn't there when I expressed my anger and asserted that I wasn't PBD, even though I actually liked her very much in some ways.

I found the topic of diagnosis very difficult in that group actually. The therapist was trying to get people to look at their behaviour and the motivations behind it, but often got stonewalled with 'I have a BPD, I can't help it'. One of the BPD people dropped out of the group early after a session where he was confronted about his heavy drinking, and did not appreciate it being pointed out (by the therapist and someone else) that instead of increasing his medication for depression because he felt depressed, he should cut down on his drinking because that had a depressive effect.

There is something else I want to post about this, but it is long and emotive for me so it is something I need to come back to.

I'm sorry but the past few post have shocked me not beacuse of what the P's are like but that i think that its normall for p's to act like this. The only privacy i got was when i moved out to uni other side of country and then moved here out of the country my p's live in. As its 90 miles away its too far for any of my family to drive! They all drive and have cars but i'm not worth visiting

My MIL i think has NPD i read out from the wedsite to my DH and he keep saying yes to all of them. Unfountantly when i did a runner i left a letter for my son and in it i told him his Granny had NPD and to go look it up on the internet. And she read it

They used to have a key to our house but iu asked them to give it back and two months later we checked it and it was the wrong one so i sent DH round to get our key back and thhe PIL are only to call DH moblie so i dont have to talk to them

I'm angry this week with them beacuse they took my son to see santa with out me or DH and with out us knowing i got told by BIL.

Today my son got a letter from santa saying he wants a bike for xmas, good job MIL has got him one for xmas them

Last year (son's frist xmas) i told her i was getting him a trike for his big pressie guess what she got him it so this year i have not said anything to her.She has been asking thou and i replied lots of things.

I have the problem of her giving son the gifts before or after or giving them to us and son opening on xmas day but with out them. I want my son to have one xmas day and not two but they want to see him open their gifts.

Anyone any idea how i should go about this? i'm thinking of sending DH and son up to there house after boxing day and calling the gifts new year gifts. What do you think?

Also i would have rented my house and moved and rented another in a different twon if my mum and dad or my PIL came to live next boor to me. I would hate it. I think you are so brave for not losing yourself and not killing them. Snowy i give you a esp hug and i take my hat off to you. Hopefull not long now till they move

Just a quickie -

Reading the posts about your christmas cards from your parents yesterday didn't ring any bells for me at all - I was sympathetic but couldn't relate.

Then today my DD received a christmas card from my mother (and father). And bingo! suddenly I remembered how we've had game-playing via cards from her over the years. Ones to DH and I 'from' them, whereas as the kids' are always 'love from'. And this year she hasn't sent one to DH, me and DS so far, only DD. Although DD getting one to herself was sweet, because she enjoyed opening the envelope addressed to herself and it was a Disney princess card. Which is funny because we are going to Disneyland next week but my mother doesn't know this

ftp - I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn by saying this but you do ask for ideas about your son opening his Christmas presents.

I would be pissed off too about my child being taken to see Santa without me being told about this, and the present competition.

However, I do think that is reasonable for them to want to see their grandchildren open their presents. I think you might want to consider letting this one go as a minor battle not worth fighting - absolutely send your DH and son there on Boxing Day to open MIL's presents, but I don't think you need to call the gifts new year gifts. I don't think they need a label . I think that many children, including my own, understand that they get presents from Santa and from relatives and they actually enjoy having several different present opening opportunities, rather than doing it in one big go.

I know it sounds stupid but what i do not will set the norm for the next 16 years or more and my MIL is very controlling and i am a bit parinod that they want to steal son away from me.

I feel like its PIL, Dh and son and me as the outsider. To stop feeling like this i want to make a strong family bond with my son and DH without any in laws.

I just think she will take over and i dont want her to. I have no relationship with my family and i have been an independant adult since i was 14 years old and to have someone try and control me or my family (DH and son) i just react badly.

She talks down to my DH. He is disabled and she makes a big show out of it and treats him like a child. He is an adult with a wife and son and she still wants to control him and us.

I know they dont like me as i will not play the games she wants that her 3 son's do and i am blunt and tackless and aggresive (the way i have learned to deal with my own family)

so when it seems petty to be worried about this in reality its just another way for her to control us. I have not talked to her about xmas or what my son wants all i have said is that we want a family xmas at home me DH and son and no we will not be visiting her friends for xmas party.

now not not

Thanks for the"esp hug" findingthepath...it's much appreciated.

As for your DC having two Xmas days, I agree with honolulu.

I wrote a huuuuge long post then...read it and realised it was the same as honolulu suggested...I fink I'm a bit tired now!

findingthepath "i have said is that we want a family xmas at home me DH and son and no we will not be visiting her friends for xmas party."
--------

I have changed my mind...if you have already stated you position findingthepath and your DH is in agreement then they either drop the presents to you or your DC doesn't get them.

Leave the ball in their court so to speak.

snowy and ftp - I'm confused about your Christmas arrangements ftp! I think the xmas party would take place on Christmas Day, no? Or is it on Boxing Day?

And when you made arrangements, was this not just about where you'd be on the day, as opposed to present opening?

I think the precedent you're setting is that you should spend Christmas day where you want to. But I thought the present opening was a secondary issue, and I think it is a good compromise for you to spend Christmas day where you want to, then send your DH and DS there on Boxing Day to open presents. Go with if you want, or don't.

It will not be a second Christmas, because your son would have had his Christmas day with you, it will simply be visiting relatives over the Christmas period and exchanging gifts.

I just say this as someone who enjoys watching others open my gifts, and lets my children open their Christmas presents from people not on the day but at the time they are given (if done in person).

I just feel stuipd to be worred about this.

My norm was for my grandmother to come on xmas day beacuse my dad was an only child and his dad was dead and my mum would not leave the "old woman" on her own on xmas day.

My PIL have their 40 year old son with them and he does not want to see our son opening his prissies so i dont feel bad about not inviting them round and i want xmas to be about me DH and son. We are not seeing my family at all over xmas why should i have to see his just beacuse they live in the same village? Our son is there only grandchild but he gets picked up and droped when they want not when son wants.

I just dont want them to be there for xmas day.

Also i find it wiered that they put their 40 year old son before their only grandson. And that they think i will be looking after them in their old age and going to visit them in a home

Like i said controlling

Ah, there are two separate issues.

Don't see them on Christmas day. Spend it how you wish.

Let present opening happen at theirs at a day of your convenience.

And you're not being stupid!

I should say that their 40 year old son still lives with them, no girlfrien, no friend and she does everything for him.

"I cant look after your son when you go shopping i have to get home to make DS tea for him"

Like a 40 yo can't get his own food!

Honolulu, I've just posted a new thread about DSM-5, which comes into effect in 2013. NPD is coming off the list. Thought it might interest you

This thead is so fast moving right now, I will give it a proper read later x

I got a message after my last post on the other thread that the thread was full up, and as we have so many new posters (not usre if they post elsewhere on mn, I copy and pasted your first post again for this thread Grace!) Thanks for the npd links Grace, interesting!