"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I never told my parents I was pregnant with DC1 until I over 6 months gone...it was fairly evident when I got out of car what was going on...don't think I ever said anything formally.

My parents opinion is if you have DC's they bleed you dry in both the money and emotional sense. They are bind and you will never be free of them. You will never be successful with a couple of brats in tow.

Oh and in case you wondered....I was born to save my Father going to jail...it was the 60's if you had a pregnant wife, you were less likely to get sent down.

I was born the wrong sex also, they produce 2 more offspring to finally get the son to carry on the family name.

Snowy, blooming heck, to stop your Father from going to prison!!! who told you that???

Hono, my goodness re the cancer comment???!!!

I had a strange cry last night, I remembered two occasions in my life when Father showed me kindness when Mother was unkind. I don't know what trigggered this? I had lived with some freinds from work for a bit and moved in with Mother for a stop gap as I was attempting to buy a flat for myself (that was at the tipping point of being able to aford to buy a small run down flat on an average single income)! I had a car crash and due to (not know then) underlying medical issues I had some later (so not attributed to car crash) problems, I was going to work every day and I was in agony, my boss was angry at me as I was not as jolly as I used to be and was making faces, I explained that it was due to pain! I used to be in agony all day long, and could barely walk home I was in so much pain, I remember this one day crying on my way home, wondering how on earth I was going to carry on like this! I got home and mother was having a go at me, Father (parents divorced and he was visiting) saw how pained I was and told her to leave me alone, and asked me how I was, I could not stop crying that someone cared!

The second time Father was kind to me was when I started my first job, we were so poor that I had three outfits in my walldrobe, parents were divorced and interest rates were crazy so there was no money due to recession at beginning of 1990's, I remember being gratefull for my one gift that Christmas of a £10 jumper from BHS! Father gave me enough money for a mac and three skirts and blouses!

It made me so sad! That is the only nice things I can remember him doing for me, all I remember is me running around after him despirate for him to love me!

I remember him buying a house after he left, and I am now wondering if the buying me clothes for that first job had to do with this, he needed a guarantor for a mortgage and I was only just left school and he eventually lost that house due to reposession, I couldn't get a guarantoor on his mortgage as I had not been working long and my age, enough at the time... sick eh!

It was at that time that Mother who had a walldrobe full of her own clothes used to help herself to my shoes, I would hear her come in and run upstairs and know she had taken them, I was a teenager she was almost fifty! The shoes would smell and have sweat in them, and I would want to kill her, I kept all that anger in, and it all came out the past few years, I was so angry at the whole world and was starting fights with anyone who wound me up, if someone rang up on the phone years before selling/marketing etc, I would not make much of it as I don't know, I put the phone down on them, during that angry time I would have a go at them tell them exactly what I thought of them and have a right go at them... I think it was all that held in anger over all those years!

I had written a letter to my aunt for sending me that Christmas card, I don't think I will send it, I would have two years ago!

My parents told me MummieHunnie ....I've always known...they met (blind date) and married within 2 weeks, pregnant the first month they were married.

The whole family know...only one relative attended their reg' office wedding. The second 'official' wedding was a catholic blessing service...only two relatives for that also.

I know how you feel MummieHunnie...I sometimes wonder if any of my life concerning my parental family is actually real or is it just part of some weird gothic film.

Sometimes I am glad that at least they never played nice and then pooped all over me...at least to some extent I knew what the rules were.

It must be so much harder to deal with the double standards stuff. x

Hmm..this has got me thinking...

I get annoyed with my parents for overstepping my boundaries and for being abusive etc....but I have never wanted them to be any different to morph into regular parents.

I always say I just want them to stop what they were/are doing to me...to go away and leave me alone.

I never craved for their love, their approval yes, as approval meant they would be at least polite...but I've never wanted affection, hugs, support etc from them.

I suppose this must mean you can't miss what you never had??

Thoughts anyone??

My Father was pretty much consistantly distant, uninterested and full of hatred towards me... it was my Mother who was the confusing gaslighter the wiser I get the more complicated she becomes, I thought she was the good guy and he was the bad guy! I never let go we did what we did to survive and I think I latched onto her as I must have known she was the one who would stop him from destroying me all together, she needed me for her supply not in a narc way... oh it is so hard to understand still regarding Mother!!! She once told me she found it harder after I left home than when my brother did, she apparently told my Father at the time she cried every day for a year, she never told me this until he brough it up years later she missed me, and she confirmed it, she showed no signs of liking me at that time, I wonder if the crying was about loosing supply, about being jealous of my exh etc... she used to drive him crazy after I moved in with him she was always popping in unanounced, he wanted to move away from her, he could not stand her, I wonder now if any man would have wanted to move away or it was a form of abuse by him not wanting her around! He wanted her and the former bf to leave dd's birthday once, they stayed a bit longer as they had come further and he took me into the kitchen and then into the utility room (how I miss one of those) and put his fist through the door into the garage he was so angry they were not gone, I had to get rid of them and pretend all was ok... all he had to do after that was give me a look to get rid of people, Mother always was fuming that I was rude getting rid of her and stepfather and how disgusted they were with me.... I was such a blooming willing tool for so many people....

I didn't have that from my Father snow, I did have love from my Mother so I have no idea what it is like to have had no form of love from either parent, I am not even sure if Mother loved me or not, or if anyone did, what I thought was love I wanted from others!

"is it just part of some weird gothic film"

When i was a teenager i wanted to make a comic book out of my family. I would have called it "The Spooks". I started it and my brother found it and ripped it up and then he beat me cos he didn't find it funny!

i use humor to direct my emotions alot, its how i coped.

its horridle that your parents told you that Snowybriar.

My mum told all of us we were acctidents and if i was another boy my Dad would have left home!

I agree what you dont have you dont miss.

I have NC with my only brother for 10 years and i dont miss him or not having a brother at all

findingthepath

"its horridle that your parents told you that Snowybriar."

See this is where I struggle...I know I should^ find it horrible...but to me it's just a fact about how I 'became'.

As I was never told anything else...I don't know how to be told you were born out of love feels...I have no comparisons??

I wonder MummieHunnie could your leaving home have anything to do with your Mothers realisation of how old she actually was - she was crying at her lack of youth???

Something you typed about the clothes sharing made me wonder this.

Ooops! Got carried away with the italics guys...sorry!

findingthepath

I cope through humour too...that's why sometimes I have an impromptu smiley attack in my posts!

She had a long youth she waited 9 years in her marriage to fall pregnant and I was the first child, you would think that as this supposidly wanted child they would have treated me like a princess!!! apparently they thew a huge party for me being born and that was it, I was more about the fact they were not barren to them!!! I think I have posted on here previously, she was very jealous about me becoming a woman, I am at that stage myself with my daughters and I don't feel jealousy or want to sabotage them, I don't get it really, I was a Mother in my early twenties, so maybe that has something to do with it, I am still in my thirties and as much as I am fat, and have physical disabilities that aren't visable on the whole I don't feel old and past it, I am not as much as a party animal as she was/is, I am ok with how I am, I know I am getting old and how old I am, maybe she was not ok with getting old and being and older mother in her thirties when she had children she probably had issues with it all! She used to go on about women being too old to have children a lot and was furious with them, she forgot she had her last pregnancy at 38 which is older than I am now when I think of it... ah well these are her issues!

I am glad I didn't bend to her being furious at me for being a sahm when I had my second child, and when ex left, she wanted me out there working hard and long hours as she does, she is an oap and feels married to her job, it comes before anything, sado! I suppose work has just been jobs for me to earn money and have fun, to some people like Mother and exh it means a lot more to them for some reason, I would rather put my time to my children and if I loose out as you do as a sahm then so be it...

Hi all

I'm new to this thread having had it recommended to me on another thread. I've glanced through some of the posts and would like to offer my sympathies and to those of you with fucked up families.

I'm not sure if my story really belongs here, mainly because I really don't think my parents are bad or narcissistic, just totally unaware of other peoples' feelings or opinions.

I definitely feel that my own insecurities and 'fucked-up-ness' is thanks to my 'upbringing'. I've touched on this before when I started a thread about role models but I'll fill you in here as briefly as I can.

I lost my mother when I was very young. Due to the nature of my father's job my sister and I went to boarding school; she was 7 and I was 5. Father met my step-mother (who I generally refer to as my mother in other posts) and married her when I was 9. We stayed at boarding school until 18 as my father considered it unfair to expect our SM to look after us. She hasn't done a day's work in all the time she's been married to my father, so quite what she got up to when we were at school and my father was away for weeks on end, I don't know.

SM is the most emotionally sensitive person I have ever come across. Every Mothering Sunday DSis and I feel like we have to apologise to her for not being our real mother and we feel we have to hide our visits to our own mother's grave. SM could never have her own children and that affected her very badly. As a result of her sensitivity our lives have been spent walking on egg shells and having to make sure she is always happy. I don't feel like I ever had anything like a normal childhood. We were never allowed friends over just in case it was too much for SM and because we were at boarding school it meant going for 9 weeks over the summer without seeing friends who lived further away.

We have never been a family who can communicate and that is causing problems now. Both my DSis and I are now married with a DD each and over the last few years we are beginning to see how influenced we have been without realising it.

Our parents argument is that they have always been there for us, but how can that be the case when I've never felt able to approach them? Unfortunately they have helped me and DH financially so it's like we owe them the world and have no right to complain about anything. No matter what I say to them about how they have behaved, they just can't see it. I am currently trying to make them see that they have recently hurt me very badly (and DH for that matter) but they just won't/can't accept that they have done anything wrong. Instead they try to make it look like I've misunderstood something or misread a situation.

Sorry. I said I'd try to keep this brief so I'll stop babbling. I'll try to keep checking in here but with 7mo DD it's not always easy to catch up with long threads.

I think you have every righ to be on here dwhih x

Wow your sm has issues and that your father needs her to care for him and in donig so he has to care for her in return by making you do things that are not right for her barrenness, he probably did you a favor leaving you at boarding school by the sounds of it... I sure it doesn't feel like that as you wonder what she did when you were at school. What happened during holidays etc...Your father sounds like he did not want to take responsibility for you and your ds after the death of your dm and choose his own needs of finding a new wife and grieving and not supporting you both first!

Hi and welcome dwhih

You shouldn't feel like you owe your Father for the money you are his child and it is his responsibility to look after you. I would say if it is a problem then i would offer to pay the money back and tell him how you feel.

It is also not your responsibilty to protect your SM feelings regarding her having no children of her own. If she wanted children that much then she could have looked after you and your DS when you were growing up.

Why do you not ask her what she did when you were at school? Its just a question!

It sounds like a hard dynamic to deal with as you did not have time to find the concetion with them when you were children and now as adults its hard to know how to treat them.

I would say keep talking and trying if they are willing to meet you half way and listen to you.

I hope things can be resolved

Afternoon all x The thread had become quiete now! Well nothing has come from exh's family for the children or him, so I imagine that it won't at this stage, which is kind of a relief as there is always a sting in anythig they send.

I was thinking of writing to exmil and sending a picture of the children to try and make things on a better footing, I don't know why there was something in me that just didn't want any contact with them at that time and still not now.

I found out from dd that exmil had phoned her mobile and left a voice message on it to dd1, dd1 didn't tell me about it for a while after and didn't phone her back, I asked why not she said she would some time next year, she worries me dd is quite like her father in that way...

So how does DD1 feel about your XMIL, MH? I wonder if she's trying to protect you, or doesn't much like her, or is just feeling conflicted about everything and can't handle another strand to the weave right now. It'd be useful to know :)

It's probably neither here nor there whether you send the pictures, tbh. Christmas makes family matters seem ever so urgent all of a sudden but, really, if you're none too sure about resuming contact with her you can put it on the back burner :)

I'm going to spend a few days with golden brother & family over the holidays. I'm rather about how this is going to turn out - and also looking forward to how my 'new eyes' will see everything! Mum's going away, hurrah, and I'm just about to give sis a huge get-out clause for Xmas day, if she wants it. I've decided I really am OK to wrap myself in a duvet & watch telly all day by myself!

Welcome, Dwhih - your username is one of my favourite mottoes Please try to take a huge step back from your parents' complications ... ask yourself if your feelings are being tortured by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Funny thing about fog, you don't notice it coming down until it's really obscuring your view.

I wrote a long post earlier that got deleted, I don't have the heart to have that happen again. I will then just address Grace, how long has it been since you last saw goldenboy? I think you will probably have a stressfree, what you want xmas day by the sounds of it x

Thanks! I last saw him in the summer, but conversation was superficial. We last talked - oh, five years ago? Maybe more. He's going through some troubles atm, so I am curious to find out how he feels about things. I'm pretty sure my reactions will be different from 5 years ago.

Can I vent please?

Was in a really good mood today as we're off on our trip of a lifetime tomorrow. Our lovely friends offered to have our kids today so DH and I could pack.

DH and I both usually get very stressed about Christmas, and holidays, but we're both been making a really big effort to reign it in, and we actually had a lovely afternoon getting everything ready.

This morning my home phone rang. We hardly ever get calls on it as everyone uses our mobiles instead. So I knew it was likely to be either a cold caller or my mother. And I knew which I'd prefer

So I let it go to answerphone. Sure enough it was my mother, asking when she could see the kids.

I left it, then texted her later saying although it was short notice, she was welcome to come round that afternoon as our scheduled visitor had cancelled; that we were going away tomorrow but she was welcome any time the third week of Jan. I also said we would ring her later so the kids could wish her happy christmas.

She doesn't text back, which is unusual.

I went out briefly early evening for 20mins. When I got back, DH said my mother had called, that she'd got my text. She apparently spoke to the kids. He told her where she was going. He apparently didn't tell her I was out, and she didn't ask to speak to me.

I felt furious. I was (irrationally) annoyed at DH for picking up the phone, but he said he is not going to be told off for picking up the phone in his own home (which is fair enough ).

I was just so mad that instead of waiting for me to call her, she'd called us, as per bloody usual. And I was mad that she hadn't asked after me, and then I was annoyed at myself for being mad about that, because I don't care about her, I really wish she would just bugger right off.

And I really wish I hadn't been all Christmas spirited and texted her back, I should have waited until tomorrow when we are on the plane.

if we get on the plane, given that our airport is closed

And I know that she will bloody well text tomorrow saying she hopes we manage to get away.

I hate her knowing what is going on in my life, where i am, I really hate it. And I am seriously considering going NC even though she has a relationship with the dc now. Which is what gives me pause for thought - the effect on my children.

I am so cross with myself for responding to her initial phone call, but I thought that texting her back and telling her we were going gave me the power, and now I feel she has it.

And I am furious that yet again my fucking mother has intruded on a day that should have been jolly and positive (bar fretting about the weather).

Thoughts please?

Just to be clear - I only sent her one text today, after her first phonecall. I haven't been in touch since she called and spoke to DH and the children.

Hi honolulu

..as you know she is playing silly beggars, she didn't ask to speak to you on purpose....which is no great loss as you didn't want to talk to her anyway!

As for getting your 'power' back...

I'd text something like..

Hi Mum

Sorry I missed your phone call before leaving on our hol's tomorrow. I hope we can catch up in the new year, then I can tell you all about our trip.

Take care, Snowy x

See how many times I mention your holiday, the one where she isn't invited.