"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I love mantras even though they seem a bit twee at times - it really helps to stop me in my tracks when my thoughts go spiralling out of control!

Another technique I heard recently (on the Back to Work podcast with Merlin Mann - really recommend this, it's supposed to be about productivity/working environments but it's really about psychology and getting yourself out of destructive patterns, stopping yourself making excuses, etc - so so relevant in so many areas of my life) is to wear an elastic band and when you catch yourself doing something you want to stop (like getting worked up or biting your nails or whatever) you ping the band. In a very short space of time, your brain associates the behaviour with the pain of the elastic band snap.

Thanks RubberDuck.
I had heard of that before but have never tried it. It seemed punishment to one's self to me-kind of piling on another negative. (An example of my expert justifications )
I just need to 'cowgirl up' and be more consciencious for my own sake-my own responsibility to myself. Do it for me. (pssst: another mantra?)

I'll do it for me.

hi all

this morning my dad came to pick my sis up and the usual frosty atmoshpere between mum& dad began

this happens every week my stomach churns and I feel like a little kid again, I just leave the room.

I also get this feeling whenever they raise there voice thay had a volatile marriage they used to beat each other up scratch each others faces, smah each others heads of cupboards headbutt each other.

I always feel a bit of a fraud in these threads So I havent posted before.

Hi Delia,
Only have a minute. Welcome! [smile}
Please don't feel like a fraud here. This is a help place, not a judge place.

I am sorry you grew up in such a tense atmosphere, to say the least. Have you looked on the Pete Walker website? He talks about Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in connection with the children dealing with the stress/trauma/emotional crap that they had to endure and how it is affecting them as adults. That is very simplistic subject summary, but give it a look and it might help focus your feelings.

Got to go...sorry so abrupt.

I now have call ID

Thank you Rubber Duck

*My husband told me vm did not do this service i didn't double check if they did or not

here's to a restful future

TeachMySelf - yes I agree, I've avoided it for the same reasons - a negative solution. I much prefer the mantra approach. I guess with all this stuff it's finding what works for you and running with it.

Delia - please don't feel a fraud. You are absolutely welcome here and as you've probably read a lot of us have that stomach churning response. I've found the shield technique really helpful for controlling that. You don't say how old you are or much about your situation but the implication is you live at home with your mum?

Snowdrop - AWESOME! Give that girl a glass of

Hi DELIA !

Dont feel like a fraud ... come in and get support ! we are a nice bunch in here.

... not sure if your old enough for

Snowdrop caller id is fab ! ... enjoy the peace

For mother's day. A bit crap, but anyway. It's long, sorry [bluah]

You didn?t want the baby, but you did the best you could. It?s hard to be a mother but you did the things you should. You didn?t mean to hurt her; you always hoped she?d turn out good. You did your best to nurture; you did the best you could.

You didn?t mean to hurt her. You did the least you should. You wanted the best for her. You tried to do the best you could.

You didn?t know what hit you, or didn?t want to know. How could he be so cruel, that man who loves you so? He doesn?t mean to hurt you; he has no-one else to fight. Deep down you know he loves you. He says it, so he?s right.

He didn?t mean to hurt her. He tried to teach her as he should. He only knew the hard love and he gave the best he could.

Deep down you know he loves you, He didn?t mean to make you weep. It?s just the baby causing problems: with her like that, he gets no sleep. A tired man?s an angry man: his wife must sort things out. Her baby makes him tired, so he gives the brat a clout.

He doesn?t mean to hurt her. He?s capable of good. He wants to save her from himself; He treats her as he should.

You adore his passion so you stand and watch and cry as he throws your kids against the wall, hoping this too will pass by. You try to find their talents, teaching them to dream and fly, before he comes home after work and gives someone a black eye.

She didn?t mean to hurt me. She didn?t want to see my pain. So she turned away and thought it might not happen there again.

You want to know we love you, that we?re all OK and fine. You want some compensation for what you suffered at that time. Four children that you didn?t want; four accidents of youth:- four people you created, who can?t recognise the truth.

You didn?t want to hurt us. You didn?t mean to make us mad. You did the best that you knew, barely knowing it was bad.

I know you didn?t mean it but I know I was rejected. When I should have been adored, I was resented and neglected. I understand your feelings; how do I feel, do you think? As a woman, I can empathise, but as my mother? Well. You stink.

You didn?t mean to hurt me. You didn?t like to see me cry. You didn?t want a baby. You hoped my life would pass you by.

That made me cry because its so true. Thats how it works.

And i'm fucking determined to stop it now my son will never know this shit and never have to recover from it. I swear it to my self. No one should have to put up with this shit.

The longer i have no contact the more i believe i have done the right thing.

My Husband call my BIL last night to offer his congrats and then he told me a neiabour (sp?) [nextdoor] is looking after DN as my Dad told BIL that it was "Child free day" at their house and refused to look after DN when my BIL went to be with my sis and the twins in hospital.

My husband just cant believe that a father would act like that but its not unusaly for my exDad. My husband called it pathetic he does not relice i used to call it normal

I have to learn how to treat people and what are normal boundaries and its hard because it feels like starting from nothing. I have so much to learn in sould a short time to be the best i can for my son. I'm scared that i will think something is normal but it is not but i will not be able to see it and then i will harm my son without knowing it. Thats why i'm so scared of being angry and i cant handle my emotions.

I know what you mean, Snowdrop - "I used to call it normal" :(

It does feel like starting from nothing, doesn't it? I don't think anyone else can get it, except maybe those who've been through massive traumas like war and famine. It's good to know there are people around, who have the patience to help us learn. Your DH sounds like a good 'un :)

Come to that, you must have had quite a strong sense of what's 'normal' to form a good relationship with him - you're doing better than you think! x

Just want to throw something into the mix, especially for those of us with health problems, especially auto immune diseases.

I have been reading about adrenal fatigue. Adrenaline, of course, is the fight or flight hormone.

I suppose that when someone is put in a threatening, confusing, perilous, stressful situation, again and again, for all your life, it is little wonder that we end up with such symptoms.

Explains, sugar, salt and alcohol cravings, and chronic fatigue too.

Thoughts?

I had a massive flare up of my RA today, and am trying to work out why. I think I know, but it's just instinctive. I was around people who I feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable with. I don't know why, I hardly know them, they just, somehow, feel wrong.

Don't know what to do, they seem very keen on being close friends with my family, but it feels very uncomfortable.

Yes, thisis! I've got chronic fatigue syndrome, which is 99% sure to be caused by living under extended stress. I was diagnosed with PTSD when it all kicked off. Meditation, a high-protein diet, pacing (frustrating as that is) and patience seem to be called for. I get worse after an emotional trigger.

I have depression
My middle sister has RA
and my eldest sister has ME.

My EXBrother (golden boy) just has asthma.

My husband is ok but some times i wounder about his motives and i get defensive with him but we are both working on it.

Even my PIL think i'm hard to get to know and that i'm defencive.

Hi thisis if I come into contact with people that make me uncomfortable and I have to control my flight response ie 'play nice' because I'm an adult...then I too get symptoms of my ME etc appearing...usually 48 hrs after my contact with the people.

I seem to have a sort of delayed reaction.

If I can't make my excuses and withdraw from the 'conflicting' company then I have to make sure I avoid all stress for the next day, so that my emotions are more balanced...this usually helps contain the fall out from the encounter.

Hi everyone
hey

I'm in my early 20's and yes I live with my mum

i'm (lospolloshermanos)

Welcome Deliainthemaking

I'm 28 but 29 next month (wow that came around fast!)

I think i would go nuts living with my exmum and dad - not that they would let me and my son live with them, they would perfer us to be homeless or in a refused.

Do you have any coping strategies?

Even when i went back to visit i could only last 2 days. In fact one time i called my husband at 11pm at night to come get me as i couldn't take it any more. He had been up since 6am and worked and played roller hockey and then drived 2 hours to come get me and then 2 hours back to his house - we had just started dating at the time

He was very understanding bless him and understood how upset i was. I also think it was an obsical for him to show his love - if something is worth having then it needs to be tested again and again and again. I'm suprised we are still together i have pushed my husband too the limit and over meny times and now i'm trying to accept that he loves me and he is not going anywhere. Its just me thou i dont think i'm worth loving

Snowdrop, I've only just seen what you said about your H telling you you couldn't get caller ID. By itself, this is nothing but a moment of harmless fuckwittery but I feel concerned that you're so vulnerable and find yourself questioning his motives.

I know it's extra hard when you're trying to re-evaluate so much of who you are, what you expect & deserve, and so on. It's probably not the right time to examine your marriage ULESS you feel he's holding back your recovery. Really, I just wanted to validate your feelings - and send you a hug :)

Delia: that's so hard when you're living under the same roof :( Do you have an exit strategy (coping strategies are also good - but tbh are most effective with distance!!!!)?

I remember coming home for the holidays from Uni that first summer and thinking "I can't do this again". Once I moved out of halls and was in a shared rented house, the switch from living there to only visiting made such a difference mentally, even though I wasn't really consciously aware how toxic they were at the time.

I'm struggling a bit this morning.

Went to buy the Mothers Day cards - one for dh's mum (that was fine, didn't take me long) and one for mine (I decided that I would do card and present - am not prepared to do no contact, not yet at least. But I am pulling back by not inviting her out for a meal like I normally do).

It took AGES to choose a card without a saccharine statement which just rubbed salt into the wound. "Thank you for all the wonderful things you've done for me" (under duress and only if anyone else was watching and you made sure I was bloody grateful). "For the best mum in the world" (but she was taken so I thought I'd send this to you instead). "You're so special" (it must take a lot of effort and thought to be this toxic). BOAK!

Perhaps I should start a Toxic Mother's Day card business, instead

(Eventually found an arty card that had no message on the front and just "Happy Mothers' Day" inside - amazing how difficult it was though).

I'm just worried it not a healthy relationship

But then i think i'm putting problems where there isn't any?

I find that i become very dependent on him and thats not where i want to be. I want to be two seprate people in a relationship not a pearent child relationship which is easy for me to fall in to and i think it makes it worse cos he is 7 years older than me.

I also think he has issues to, so not only do i feel responsible for mine i also want to sort his out and thats not my place

I'm always worried i'm repeating what my mother did and take the first man that could get her away from a bad family. Then be depressed and distant from him. I have never seen my mum and dad kiss or hug - they had 4 children but no affection towards each other.

This stuff really does affect every area of my life

I need to stop second guessing myself.

Snowdrop - I'm sorry, I can't remember if you're currently seeing a therapist or not? If you aren't - might it be a good idea to find one? I think this kind of relational stuff is so tightly interwoven that my gut feel is you're going to need help unravelling it in a safe environment.

Oh crap.

My cunning plan to be out on Mothers Day so I could avoid the phone has fallen through. Going to have to think of a new defence.

Mind, I came up with a new mantra last night to try and stop myself churning scenarios in my head that might not even happen - "don't fret, it's not happened yet". Guess I'll find out how well it works over the next week

Hey RD

I'm not seeing anyone right now, last one fell throu last month. I need to make another appointment with the MHT but i've been putting it off.

I think i should send my mum a card because i send DH mum a card, i'm starting to feel guity. But then again she will just throu it in the bin so no i'm not sending one.

I think the are different degrees of no contact. I dont think i will always be no contact but when i am this low and reassessing my life/ myself i cant have their negative influence in my life and i don't want it in my son's life.

If you can communicate with your family and get them to see what to change and set new bountries go for it.

I just dont think that would work with my exfamily. I have tried for 28 years i'm fed up of try to change the dynamic that they are not interested in changing and dont see it as wrong.