"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I didn't know what DSM-5 was.

Interesting article, thanks for posting that. Although I wasn't that keen on the first line of your post where you had a pop at those loudly protesting against amateur diagnosis. I didn't feel that was necessary

And FWIW, I'm in two minds about whether I agree with the decision to eliminate it. While I like the idea of a more tailored diagnosis, I can see that for clinicians it would be much easier to have a more easily identifiable label. And I don't see really why they eliminated five PDs as opposed to the whole lot given their reasons for doing so. So overall, I don't think I agree with the decision.

As for what terms to use - would simply 'narcissistic' not covers it? Within the framework of the thread, we would know that narcissistic = abusive.

And as for NPD being eradicated affecting me personally - it doesn't. I know that my parents are/were severely abusive both emotionally and physically, and that applies whether they have NPD or not.

Yup, my thoughts too, honolulu :)

That other bit wasn't just for you Somebody pops up & has a go every time NPD is mentioned on here!

My mother described herself as narcissistic, to me, when I was a child - can't remember how old but under that age of ten I think.

I had no idea what she meant, until I came on stately homes, read a few books, and while I am not currently qualified to diagnosed anyone with anything, I'll eat my hat if she does not have a moderate to severe degree of NPD.

I find the idea of my father telling me he's narcissistic completely laughable.

Because he sees himself as always selflessly putting others first, even though he always puts himself first.

And any label that he put on himself or others I would doubt, because I think his perspective would be loaded and I wouldn't trust it.

I think my mother saw it in the same terms as being 'overconfident' - not necessarily a bad thing. I think her view may have been along the lines of 'who wouldn't be a narcissist when you're as wonderful as me!'

Seriously I have never met anyone with such a massive ego.

at your mother's view of narcissism, nemo

Although I wonder whether, if you'd slapped 'Personality Disorder' on the end of 'Narcissist', she would have been quite so ready to call herself that

I am interested to know what the other PDs that are being removed are.

honolulu. When I asked her what it meant, she told me the Greek myth about Narcissus staring at his beautiful reflection in the water until her turned into a flower (or summat). Christ she's bonkers isn't she? (I am sure she would say the same about me!)

I like your Freudian slip of 'her' (instead of 'he') Nemo

And yes, bonkers

Hi littletreesmum

Please don't feel nervous about posting, the fact is how your family treat you makes you feel upset.

Family are supposed to be the ones to bolster you up when life gets difficult...if they make you feel worse, they are obviously doing something wrong.

I don't think it really matters the degrees of behaviour that caused you to post here...the fact is you are upset and they caused it. xx

littletreesmum

What SnowyBriar said.

I read this topic on and off for years before posting. But what I'm finding helpful now I am posting is that there's a common theme between our experiences, and us posting them helps each other helps us recognise that and therefore have group acknowledgement of how it made us feel and how her parents' actions were often abusive.

For example, your posting about your mum's response to you getting pregnant at 21 has triggered a memory in me. I got pregnant at 23 when away at college after my contraception failed and then the morning after pill didn't work. I had an abortion. Somehow, my mother wheedled out of me on the phone that I was having a termination. Her response was to phone me up the night before I went in and verbally abuse me for being a slut. I was in tears.

Afterwards, I told her that wasn't helpful. I pointed out that did she really think it was a decision I was taking lightly or which I didn't feel extremely upset about it and her haranguing me had not been in my best interests at all. She did apologise, but said that she'd been upset because it was her first grandchild . As usual, it was all about her, and her first reaction, like your mother's, is one of negativity rather than of support for their child (albeit adult child).

You deserve to be treated with positivity and support from your mother, as do we all

Can I just share something please?

One thing I've been working on over the last few months is to be kind to myself and to give myself some praise as well as critcism. I realised that I find this very difficult to do. For example, I'm trying to lose weight. Someone suggested that I reward myself (although not with a cream cake ) at regular stages in the process - i.e. after 7 pounds get a manicure or new lipstick, etc.

I thought that was a good idea. Yet although I've lost a stone, I've put off rewarding myself, thinking: what I've done doesn't really count; when I get to X amount, then I'll treat myself.

Having recognised this (although still having not treated myself for weight loss), I am looking for other ways in which I find it easier to acknowledge my accomplishments.

Today I had a difficult meeting with a difficult person over something very important that I am complaining about. They are widely known to be defensive and manipulative, and at our first meeting, with DH present, this person made it quite clear she thought it was me personally with the issue and anxiety, even though DH was voicing his concerns. There is a view among some people I know that this person is always more patronising towards women

So today she asked for a word while I was on my own. I am very proud that I managed to calmly state my ground, and to criticise them but very constructively, and not let her manipulate me in to backing down. I was very pleased that somehow I managed to turn the mood of the meeting from one of her being incredibly defensive and hostile to her being much more conciliatory, and us managing to get to a more positive point and to a natural ending of the meeting where I felt happier that I'd at least been heard and had some response to my concerns. There was no resolution of my issues as such, which is very unfortunate, but the meeting showed me that this person won't take responsibility for them and that now it is up to me how I respond to than and whether DH and I respond with a big life change for my family.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that I was able to be assertive without being emotional or for feeling guilty about having a complaint, and that I did not let someone manipulate me into feeling like a neurotic, complaining, pushy woman.

BUMP NEW THREAD ! .

Littletreesmum,

It's a funny thing, but EVERYONE who has come to this thread has initially said/ thought that.

That's part of what it does to a person. It did happen, it does hurt and you are as worthy and as important as anyone.

Well done honolulu. :)

I apologise for dipping in and out. This place has been a true lifeline for me and I really want to give back.

Congratulations, honolulu, on your weight loss and your meeting :)

I have great difficulty to love myself, too. I think we all do, going by our collective obsession with the inner critic! Now go and have your 2 rewards, please.

Yes, littletrees, we all think "it wasn't that bad". You know what? It was. Your mum's reaction to your pregnancy was downright vicious. No ordinary acquaintance would say & do that, never mind a person who purports to love you! As she felt so free to abuse you at 21, it's a fair guess she's been doing it all your life.

Can i share some thing?

When i told my mum i was pg she said "oh dear but you can't look after yourself yet alone a baby you have no idea what to do" and that set the whole tone of my relationship with my son.

It was horrible i had my sister shouting down the phone at me telling me i was mad and that i could not look after my own son and that i was going to end up killing him and it was all my fault as i was a bad mum and i had no right to have my child and that SS was going to take him away" que me having PND and being to scared to get help beacuse of what she said. After the phone call i was late for an appointment and i was so upset i left a £500 breastpump in a bag on my front step and on a main road and i was shaking on the bus txt DH what had happened.

Then when my son feel off the sofa and i had my first AF my DH and MIL took him to A&E to get him checked out and as i was so heavy i was sat on waterproof sheet and was leaking everywhere i couldn't go with him and my other sister called me up and shouted at me that i was a bad mum as my son was hurt and i didn't go with him to A&E again i was in tears when she put the phone down on me.

I was so upset and had PND and i was struggling and my family helped by making me worse. The convinced me i was such a bad mum that i had to put my house on the market and move back home for them to look after my son. Thank god for my DH or i would be dead now if i lived by them.

My mum has told me on 5 different occaustions that i'm a bad mum and that she was going to come and take my child away and look after him her self as i could not be trusted with a baby.

I guess thats why i'm piraniode that someone will take my child and i have breatfeed him for so long so no one can take him from me.

Its really sad how messed up my family can make me.

Hi and welcome to littletree

Gosh...I feel all powerful!

Mother just phoned and we were discussing present exchanges...I said I'd drop the presents in before they move.

"Oh no you won't," she said, "If the DC's want their Xmas money, you will have to come over to our new house on Xmas day!"

"Oh no I won't" I said..."we are having a quiet Xmas at home..no visiting, no being visited."

She said, "you are being silly - insert full Christian name - of course you will come over to see the new house."

"No I won't," I said.... "if we are passing and you are in, we shall pop in for a cuppa sometime between Xmas and new year, maybe."

"I suppose that will have to do then." she said.

...and then put the phone down on me!

When I told my "mother" that I was first pg, she said "oh I suppose your healthy enough".

Those words are burned, branded into my wounded soul. I SOOOOO wanted and craved a normal response, and in those days, that desire kept me trying and trying with her. When I miscarried that pg, it was only when someone in her office was shocked that she told me she was not coming to the hospital to see me, as women miscarry every day, that she changed he mind, most reluctantly, and bothered to briefly visit.

The following day, I remember being in the hospital car park, all alone, no one to pick me up, no one to care. And I very foolishly married the man who was not there to take me home.

I can feel the cold, empty loneliness now. It shatters me, even today. Poor bluebell....I'm off to give her a hug. Those things should NEVER have happened.

Can I ever seeing myself feeling like that or speaking to my dc's or their future patners in such a way. No, of course not. It's not normal, it's cruel and abusive.

When I was pregnant with dc1, my father told me, and later DH, that I would be a bad mother. Which was nice.

Snowy - wow your so brave go you its great that you stood your ground.

TIHIF - gerr angry on your behalf words fail me. Its not normal and you will not do that to your DC as you know how to care and love them as you are a good mum. I'm sorry you miscarried no one should have to go throu that alone

Am just posting quickly while checking emails, may be back properly later, but just wanted to say thank you to thisishowifeel and Grace.

And to say that something Grace said to littletree struck a chord with me - about if your mother felt able to say something like that at age 21 she'd clearly been doing it for a long time.

Some of the cruellest behaviour and comments I got from my parents was when I was in my late teens and early-to-mid 20s (after then it gradually dawned on me I didn't need to take this crap any more).

When I got cancer as a very young woman, my mother asked if it was due to my termination. My father thought it was due to eating too much chocolate.

And the sick thing is they really thought of themselves as my best friends, the only people in the world I could trust.

Thank fuck I grew up emotionally and saved myself.