"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi RD, Snowdrop, garlicbutter and everyone.

Snow, I think it is ok to treat your Mil different from your xmom. You feel differently about them and that in itself justifies what you send or don't send. I know that looks good on paper, but in the operation of it-it is a boundary: you respecting your feelings.

I have two sisters born on the same day, two years apart. I had been trained to always give equally, in dollar terms if not in physical artifacts, no matter what. Now, I don't. My oldest sister is my 'enlightened witness' and Understands; my middle sister is (possibly N) the toxic one.

RubberDuck,
That is an essential mantra! I need that one too. Another one, slightly assiociated, is: "Stop stirring the (stew) pot". I lug that stew pot everywhere! Damn if it isn't time to put it down and plant some petunias in it!

Good luck on the Mother's Day. Mine is deceased many years and I don't have much exposure to mil (500+ miles away ). I guess folks get an expectation of attention over it...I have spent my life avoiding attention so I hope I don't turn into one of those that feels entitled to pout if I am not "made to be happy".

"I hope I don't turn into one of those that feels entitled to pout if I am not "made to be happy"."

Yeah, that's exactly it. My mother expects a big deal over Mothers' Day. DH asked me what I'd like to do Sunday and I realised that actually I didn't care - it was a free day with no chores in it, we might pootle out to Little Chef for lunch nothing posh and I am really looking forward to it

(well, apart from the inevitable whiny phone call part of Mothers Day)

Petunias in the stewpot! Wonderful!

I wish I could stop having horrendous post traumatic dreams/nightmares. Does anyone know of any books, or websites, other than Pete walker, which I have devoured, that can help deal with this?

I think "Mothers day" is nothing but exploitation by the marketing /money making card companies.
Its a shit thing imo. I hate the emotional blackmail that goes with all the adverts .Its all " if you are a nice person, you will buy this for your mother "

Well i am a nice person , im not going to spend money on a card for someone who happened to have get pregnant by accident , even if i was the result.

Im going to have my own special day instead.

Next sunday is going to be "spoil your children day " ! ...
Im thinking , park , feed ducks have picnic , get the kids those little tubes of bubbles and a frisby ...sounds much more fun than a scrap of cardboard , with words inside that have no meaning, sent to the person who made me wish i was dead.

I'm looking forward to Mother's day.

I'm a mum. The only mum i have ever really had. ME.

I'm booking breakfast out, then we are taking our son to a soft play area and then feed the ducks.

I might even go as far as buying myself some flowers

I have caller ID and we are going to be out all day with our mobiles off and we are going to have a fab day. Better still i'm not even going to explain my actions to anyone as this is what i want to do and i have a right to do it :-p

\o/

(cheerleader with pompoms)

WAH... the pompoms made it bold! Gah.

Thanks RD

Last Mother's day every one went out for breakfast for mothers day to celebrate my mum, i was staying at their house with my son and i was told by my dad and sister that son and i was not allowed to go as my exbrother was going and they did not want me or my son there. I think my Dad telling me that was the wake up call i needed to say fuck them we dont need them anyway and it will be the last time i let them hurt me. Just another way of putting my brother before me. He can hit me, kick me, lock me out of the house, let his friend hit me, snub my son and my husband but thats ok because its "Golden child" and he can do no wrong.

Fuck them life is not about them anymore its about me and my family and we are happy without them in it.

My mums fav saying was "You will need me more than i need you". Shame she never relised i never had her to begin with. I have lost nothing.

And i'm happy not having them in my family. Its time i rewrite the script

Air and i are doing easter paper chains and we are going to decorate for easter - something i have never done. Just because its fun

I hope everyone else has a feb day

(I know ester is not for a few weeks but we are starting early )

Excellent posts, Snowdrop.

Very strong. You have described a clear view of your truth and have made boundaries to protect yourself. That, I believe, is a very nice level of success. Lining up next to RD: Three Cheers for Snowdrop!

I have had the feeling of having lost nothing because I hadn't had it in the first place, too. Kind of took my breath away when I first realized it; but it explained the more empty feeling than the grief at separation feeling one would expect, if that makes any sense.

ThisishowIfeel, I am sorry you are having PTSD nightmares. I don't know of anything besides Pete Walker either but will try to help you look. Are you able to get any quality sleep at all? Sending pillows 'just right' and blankets 'perfect' to hold you in comfort for blissful sleep.

Droves and SdF-That sounds like a wonderful Mother's Day plan. I might do the same and add Happy Meals All Around (mine isn't until May /US).

I'm pregent

I have PTSD about my nan.

My exfamily was not every nice to her and she died alone, then they made jokes about her in the funral car. I just sat there and didn't say or do anything.

I have dreams that she is a ghost stuck in her house and traped because of us. I feel very guild how she was treated. I was 15 year old at the time.

Now when i get them i wake up and say "I'm sorry and you were loved". It helps me a bit.

Sorry i cant help more.

Counciling can help with PTS.

*guilty

Snowdrop, Congratulations! How far along are you?

I'm 1 - 2 weeks i have just found out today. Total shock.

I only did the test on a whim and there was a thin pink line. Did another when DH can home but it didn't work then did a clearblue one and i'm pregnant

Happy mother's day to me - not what i was expecting but i think its the best gift i could ever get

YAY! Congratulations Snowdrop :) That's great news!

I have PCOS so high risk of MC. so i'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out ok.

My MIL is not happy about it and has upset me. She said that its "our problem" and asked where the money is coming from for it and when i said that i might MC she said Well we will see

I can't sleep now as i'm stweing over it. Its just not nice thing to say.

She also did not say congrats

So much for trying with my PIL. Things like this just reenforce my defences "Dont let anyone in, dont let anyone hurt you".

I feel like avoiding her for a bit now but then i would look guilty and i should feel like that just because i want a family.

Snowdropfairy
congrats and hope it goes okay.

as For your MIL whatt an evil woman it would have taken akk my strenght not to cave her face in, I hope ur DP stepped in?

hold your head high and realx.

You know, sounds to me like it wouldn't hurt to step right back from PIL. It's not avoidance it's protecting yourself and your immediate family. Who cares how it seems? Sounds as if their opinion doesn't really matter, anyway, if they come out with crap like that.

Definitely would stress finding a good therapist soon - it'll be harder to organise when you're heavily pregnant or once the baby is here. Especially important to get some decent boundaries in place for your peace of mind right now, I think.

I have an appointment with the mental health team at my Doctors for 18th April.

I'm already on 150mg of sterline antidepressent but it should be ok as i'm breastfeeding my son still.

I have told my DH to tell his mum that i'm ill and not going to tumbletots tomoro so i dont need a lift from her.

I just dont want to see her right now.

Also she has hurt her son more than me. I have decide that DH family is dysfunctional too

DH agrees and that our family will not be and we will both work hard to provent the stuipid fuckwittage that our relatives pulled.

I will not tell my mum i'm pg, i will not tello my mum i am pg, i will not tell my mum i'm pg, i will not tell my mum i'm pg, i will not tell my mum i'm pg, i will not tell my mum i am pg, i will not tell my mum i am pg, i will not tell my mum i'm pg

I do not need to be hurt and put down again. I have the right to be happy, i do not need to be punished for being happy.

i will not tell my mum i'm pg, i will not tell my mum i'm pg, i will not tell my mum i'm pg, i will not tell my mum i'm pg

its my new menta

SNOWDROP !!!! [grip]

Massive massive congratulations on your lovely surprise pregnancy !

Im so happy for you and your dh , another little snowdrop ....how exciting!

Try not to worry about the pg , even with the pcos im sure you will be fine .

I absolutely love it when someone on stately homes threads shares some good news. I will raise a glass for you at the weekend .

xx

Thank you Droves

Now the shock wearing off i'm really happy and can't wait for December