Discovered box of secret stuff belonging to husband

[Sadandbrokenheartedwife]

Hi all
last night I found to my horror mthings I wish I didn't. Explict, dirty pics of DH's ex and also a large document detailing the end of their relationship and of when he tried to kill himself over her. It ended in 98. They were together 9 years. I feel sick, want to confront him, I can't let this go, please help??!

Have name changed.

I disagree, porn pics are porn pics, whether private, commercial or personal.

People say interacting with real people makes it worse on porn threads, as there is a connection, so maybe it was like a knife through the heart for the op.

An awful lot of people trying to play it cool as if they'd be fine about their DH having homemade porn pics of their ex's in the house, which in reality I don't believe. I think a lot of the nastienss in this thread was about putting on a front tbh, and jumping in with the circling vultures to attack further as in "I'm so cool, op you are a prude and a nut job".

Not pleseant and I'd bet my house half these women wouldn't be so "cool" in this situation.

It's op I feel sorry for, postnatal too I bet she feels utterly shit.

Oh I'm not saying that it wasn't worse for OP that she found pics of a XGF rather than a stack of mags, not at all, of course it's worse in that way.

Perhaps I'm wrong, i don't see those pics as porn, as they are probably not something he uses, as porn is often used, but is a souvenir.

So this is why I don't relate the pics with being porn. I could be wrong.

For me it's just terminology, of course she'd be devastated. doubly so when post natal hormones are in the fray too.

From what I read, the anger didn't seem to be at her reaction to the pics, it was that she read his diary.

I don't think there is anyone that realistically would be happy, OK, cool to find explicit pics of a former loved one.

They might be advanced enough to tell themselves that everyone has a past, but everyone of them would have preferred said memorabilia didn't exist. Double standards or no double standards.

SAB, know that this is no reflection on you, and you do need to discuss it with your DH, and I hope you can resolve it properly, with him binning the pics.

FWIW, it could be that he's hanging on to the stuff unconsciously to remind himself how far he's come. Perhaps the feelings he has for her today are more like, What an idiot I was for being involved with her to that extent'. He may feel anger toward her for his breakdown. Until you open your heart and tell him it'll be OK and allow him to talk about it, you won't know the truth and your head will make it all up.

Look, he put those pictures in a box with some old paperwork and his recovery journal. It's a box of his PAST. There's no suggestion at all that he's getting the pics out to wank over - thus, they are not porn.

We commonly advise people to put past hurts, which have lost their usefulness, in a "box" and store it somewhere out of sight. OP's partner has done this literally, which millions have others have done throughout history and still do. If someone else finds this box and then claims rights over it, they are out of order. Rummaging through the box is staggeringly disrespectful. Once you've done it, your only right is to ask him to store it elsewhere.

Quick addition for any nit-pickers out here: It would be different if you found evidence of past crimes. Having an emotional past is not a crime.

emmyloulou no one is trying to be cool - most people are simply being adult and saying: accept your husband has a past, if you feel you have to, ask him to get rid of/put the photos elsewhere.

The problem is that the OP is being totally over dramatic, raging about "things brought into her house" and getting upset about the possibility of his adult son finding them after his death.

If her DH arrived home to discover the OP binned his belongings and screaming about his ex from 12 years ago he is going to think she is a loon. She needs to have a rational conversation with him. As an adult would.

The difficulty with that is I suspect she cannot be rational as she views this woman as a massive threat for, on the face of it, no reason at all.

good, reasoned post, nancy

OP...come back and at least try and make people understand where you are coming from

because there is precious little to assist us in doing that at the moment...

WTF should she come back, I wouldn't if I were her, have you seen some of the bile thrown at her.

It's nasty and I am glad others think so equally to.

Like others have said MN is such a good resource of help at times, but this thread is just vulgar, it's like a AIBU thread gone wrong. Not a relationships thread where the op is clearly all over the place.

Not one of MN's finests moments I have to say if you take a step back and read it objectively.

I actually do not think it is ok for a man to bring into the marital home photos of him doing his ex, or his ex in porn poses or whatever.

He had those things from when they were together, fair enough. But choosing to keep them and transport them into the home he moved into together with his wife?

That's not on. It's really not. That was not an old box in the loft that's been there for years. It was a deliberate choice to carry explicit photos of an ex girlfriend over the threshold of the marital home.

How can that ever be ok?

I feel really sorry for the bashing that poor OP has had here. I disagree most strongly that she is being unreasonable in this.

hecate, most people have agreed the pics were absolutely not on (except sgb...but I think she has dick pics on her living room wall )

the pics and the journals are two different things

the pics...he bins immediately and without question (or he gets binned himself)

the journals ? I think the choice is his, and OP is BU to get in such a tizz about them

Why thank you AF

emmylou sometimes it is in a persons best interests to realise their behaviour and reaction is unreasonable. This was pointed out to the OP gently at the start of the thread but her posts got more and more irrational.

Advising the OP that she has every right to be irrationally upset over the fact that her DH has a past into which she deliberately snooped is foolish. She needs to recognise that reading someones private diary is unreasonable and that throwing it out would be more so. Only then can she deal with the matter with any hope of a sensible outcome.

The alternative is that she rants and raves at her DH, believing that is an appropriate adult reaction because the good folk of MN have told her so and he quite reasonably tells her that he will not accept that sort of behaviour. Then where does she go?

This man is her husband, she needs to TALK to him sensibly and recognise that actually she has behaved far worse by prying than he has by having the items in the first place.

This thread, is full of nastiness and bitchiness and it got more and more apparanent. As comments got harsher, and more people joined in it got worse, and worse as more people hopped on the bandwagon to have a pop.

Maybe people don't want to look at this thread objectively and see how vile it actually is, that's human nature.

Op has issues with the DH, possible issues with PND by the sounds of it. I don't think supposedly other supportive women have done anything for her cause, calling her names, questioning her sanity and generally being bitches. There are ways and means to bring these issues up in a sensitive manner, this thread was just nasty.

It does nothing to dissolve the Daily Mail type myths that mumsnet is just full of bitchy women ready to rip each other to shreds.

err, emmy

didn't you just do precisely that ?

is countering perceived bitchiness, vileness and nastiness with more of the same helping to dissolve any more of those "Daily Mail myths" then ? (whatever they are...)

I read this last night. Whilst I agreed with the general view that reading someone's private journal and bashing them over the head about their past was not on, I felt really sick about the tone of some of the posts. It felt like a witch hunt against someone who is clearly (rightly or wrongly) distressed and feeling vulnerable. I posted a problem on here a while back, when I was in a real state (feeling extremely down, suicidal even). The responses were vitriolic and bullying. I would never be brave enough to post a problem on here again. (I've name changed, I wouldn't want anyone to recognise me from that post).

No people involved won't accept how out of order they have been in this thread and counter productive to what sounds like a very emotionally vulnerable woman.

Shame really.

is the OP Don Draper?

OP, hope you are feeling better today, btw. I know you've had a shock, but try to leave his past in the past and just concentrate on you, your new family and the present, if you can. All the best.

emmy, was that in reply to me ? I don't understand your last post.

lol bettymoody, your name is apt, are you DD's ex

I agree the conversation should be rational...get that crap out my house kind of rational...of course I would sit and listen to his reasons etc for keeping it..

Im still here folks, have been reading all your comments. Good, bad and the down right ugly.

I have calmed down a bit, I guess I was in shock.

I wish my dh hadn't put them so visable , in hallway, amongst our bills etc. Part of me thinks maybe he wanted me to find them?? He should have put them in loft (never go there).

As for the snooping comments what can I say. Bottom line is that this are in my house, OUR home, how is it snooping exactly?? These items weren't locked under lock and key. Journal wasnt marked as diary, it has been done in esseay form, student style in folder.

Yes, your right I view his ex as a threat, not sure why?!

Thanks again to all who tried to see my points of view.

Surely opening partners mail that is adddressed to him or her would be snooping??? Which I dont btw.

Still not decided on course of action yet........................

He left them in the hall?

Look - despite what some people have said, no-one is perfect. These people who claim they would be utterly unbothered by coming across pictures of their partner and ex having sex - well, they're a hell of a lot more Zen than me, that's all I can say.

The journal - well, you probably should have stopped reading as soon as you figured out what it was. It's done now, though.

But I am bewildered you haven't brought this up with your partner. You are allowed to say, these pictures were in the hall with the bills, seeing them really upset me. Doesn't your partner realise something's up? If you're living together you have to be yourself

"I wish my dh hadn't put them so visable , in hallway, amongst our bills etc. Part of me thinks maybe he wanted me to find them?? He should have put them in loft (never go there)."

OP I am sorry I am coming late to the thread and have skimmed it only but something strikes me in what you are saying. He left all these things in an easy to access place, is it possible that in a weird kind of way he wanted you to find them? Maybe he wants to talk more about his past with you and not knowing how to bring the subject up "set you up" in some way so you would be the one asking him about it?

does it make sense?

OP, you say that your husband moved in with you last year? So, given that he has lived at your house for a year or more I find it surprising that these photos went undiscovered in the hallway for such a long time.

I think if you had initially posted that you'd found pornographic photos of your DH and his ex in his hallway you would have had a far different reaction to the majority of the replies you have received.

It's likely that your husband left these photos and his journal in the hallway for one of the following reasons:

1. He forgot they were there;
2. He didn't care whether or not you found them;
3. He wanted you to find them for a reason only known to him - perhaps as gorionine pointed out he wants you to discuss that part of his past with him.

Sadand I apologise if I was a bit harsh with you. I would never wish to intentionally hurt another woman for no reason. It sounds like you are under a bit of emotional strain, and with a young baby, things can really mount up.

I think your subconcious is doing it's job, something is telling you this woman is not as far in the past as she should be. I know I would struggle greatly if my dh kept sexual photos of his ex. If he tracked down her address I would sense real danger ahead.

Are you ready to sit down and talk to him?x