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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered box of secret stuff belonging to husband

207 replies

Sadandbrokenheartedwife · 09/11/2010 18:18

Hi all
last night I found to my horror mthings I wish I didn't. Explict, dirty pics of DH's ex and also a large document detailing the end of their relationship and of when he tried to kill himself over her. It ended in 98. They were together 9 years. I feel sick, want to confront him, I can't let this go, please help??!

Have name changed.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 09/11/2010 20:19

Well why didnt you post about that earlier? Him going to lengths to find her adress is a different matter from you stumbling upon photos, no?

phipps · 09/11/2010 20:19

He shouldn't have to lock things away.

Original poster
Sadandbrokenheartedwife · 09/11/2010 20:20

I came on here to ask for help, clearly some of you just want to revel on my misery, shame on you

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandbrokenheartedwife · 09/11/2010 20:21

Perfumed life, thankyou for seeing my point.

OP posts:
phipps · 09/11/2010 20:21

Don't be so ridiculous.

RealityBomb · 09/11/2010 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeyoukay · 09/11/2010 20:21

I think you need to get a fucking grip on reality (with all due respect).

Even if you burn the pictures what will you achieve? He'll still have the memories in his head.

So what, she is his ex but 9 years is a long time to blank out of your life and pretend it didn't happen.

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2010 20:22

I think he's just biding time with you til she comes to her senses and takes him back!!!!

You sound deranged, I bet he's wishing she would hurry up too!!!

Poor fella doesn't sound he's even welcome in 'your' home!

perfumedlife · 09/11/2010 20:22

Sad that's not true. A lot of posters would not be so devastated at finding these things is all.

Finding out he is tracking her adress and number down would upset most though, that should have been the main post, no?

How do you know he has looked for her details? Is it on facebook?

BitOfFun · 09/11/2010 20:22

Oh do pull yourself together- you are sounding absolutely unhinged. Talk to him about it, not us. He obviously knows what is really going on- we have no idea, especially as you keep drip-feeding new information.

RealityBomb · 09/11/2010 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phipps · 09/11/2010 20:24

I would love to get a firm grip on Reality Grin.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 20:24

here we go

"shame on us" ...right you are then Hmm

Original poster
Sadandbrokenheartedwife · 09/11/2010 20:25

Ok, I came on here to get your views on situation BEFORE I speak to him. I know he cant blank past but I just dont want his past to be kinda infringing on our future, hope this makes sense?

Thanks for listening, very hormonal.

OP posts:
RealityBomb · 09/11/2010 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CazandBelle · 09/11/2010 20:26

Oh dear.

Upset about photos yes. Expect them to be binned, yes. I would be mortified if I found anything like that in my husbands things

But..

As someone who blogs to manage and and process this distressing time in my life I completely understand how important his diary will be to him. It was part of his recovery. YABVU to even have an issue about this. If he doesn't feel up to discussing this point in his life with you then that is up to him, and you have no right to push. You had no right to read that diary - why should he lock it up? Most people can trust their OH not to look at things that are obviously not for their eyes, temptation got the better of you. He has obviously come a long way and rebuilt his life from an incredibly low point. You are not coming across understanding in the slightest about this period in his life when he was so low. Have some compassion and leave the diary issue alone.

StarExpat · 09/11/2010 20:27

Why are some people so mean to the OP? She has a newborn ffs. How would you have felt when you were in that stage of your life and found something like this?

I don't have much advice, OP but it sounds awful. I would be completely distraught to find something like this of DH's :( Especially during the newborn stage when I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

Original poster
Sadandbrokenheartedwife · 09/11/2010 20:31

I don't want him to get rid of journal, I want to understand him better, he has never explained about this chapter, as mother of baby I want to be sure he wont have breakdown again, he was seriously ill at that time. I have lots of questions in my head regarding stuff that i have found

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 09/11/2010 20:32

DH has a box of old photos, including those with ex-girlfriends (none in explicit poses, though), which includes a journal. I know because I found it when we moved several years ago. We sat down and looked at the photos together, even looked through a few pages of the journal together. It all sounded like youth angst but I sensed it wad important to him so we closed it shut, put it back in the box, and I never thought to pick it up again.

It is part of his past and really, none of my business. We have been together for 7 years, have 2 lovely DC together, and are both nearing 40. I honestly couldn't care less about what his feelings were for some other girl in his twenties.

Original poster
Sadandbrokenheartedwife · 09/11/2010 20:32

I wish I NEVER found them, but I have.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/11/2010 20:33

You can't be sure he don't have a breakdown again...... Nobody can guarantee that! Same with the suicide attempts, and god knows, I've been there with my ex!!!

phipps · 09/11/2010 20:33
Curiousmama · 09/11/2010 20:33

I wouldn't like it but then I'd be shocked as dp and I are very open with each other.

Hope it gets sorted soon? How is his mental state now OP?

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 20:34

I have lots of questions in my head regarding stuff that i have found

so ask him then

Caz10 · 09/11/2010 20:35

Him keeping it might only mean he hasn't got around to getting rid of it iyswim.

Like others I have a box full of old photos, letters etc - they moved house with me recently and are up the loft - not pining over the men in the pics etc - just felt it would be sad to bin them!

The pics-I remember having having some rather dodgy pics of an old boyf for years - kept thinking oh lordy must get rid of them but never knowing HOW! Eventually burned them, but you'd be surprised how hard it is to fit in a ritual porno pic burning when you are busy with work etc Grin!

Maybe he just can't think what else to do with them?

Agree you don't really want them in the hall cupboard or whatever, but packed away in storage privately - so what?!