Discovered box of secret stuff belonging to husband

[Sadandbrokenheartedwife]

Hi all
last night I found to my horror mthings I wish I didn't. Explict, dirty pics of DH's ex and also a large document detailing the end of their relationship and of when he tried to kill himself over her. It ended in 98. They were together 9 years. I feel sick, want to confront him, I can't let this go, please help??!

Have name changed.

the pics would piss me off. i found a sex video my ex's (was current at the time) laptop. he had bought a new laptop and given me his old one. he just forgot to delete the video, but i was still pissed off to find it. YANBU on that front.

WRT his journal, i imagine he gets a lot from being able to look back on how low he actually got. i bet it is a huge source of motivation for him. it is still part of who he is regardless of how long agao it was. YABU.

My DH has songs he was written about ex's, I have never told him to bin them. I would however go mad if I found pornagraphic photos of them!

Oh - just read the bit about choosing the woman over his son. Shockingly bad behaviour.

He really was obsessed with her wasn't he? I can only assume he's a reformed character who has now seen the light and makes his son his top priority? Otherwise you wouldn't have married him?

Can I ask how may women here would be ok to have pornographic photos of their DH & his ex in the house?

Is he about to die?

somewhere in amongst my stuff is a polaroid of my late husbands fully erect penis. I have not thought about it for years until I read this thread. Get my point? [slopes off to find photo and destroy emoticon]

I wouldn't like it, MaDuggar, but I'd just say that I'd come across them, assumed he'd just moved them here without realising and ask him in non-melodramatic fashion to please get rid of them. I wouldn't dream of reading his journal though.

BOF agree, I would feel very uncomfortable reading a private diary.

hi Sad.

i think you are over-reacting a little bit.
i can understand why you have, and i agree that it isn't stuff he should have kept

but you know what? i have letters and stuff from my ex's and while it isn't the same as explicit photos i don't want to get rid of them. they're part of me, they were written for me... i dunno, i am just not ready to get rid yet

it may have been that when he moved he found the photos and didn't know what to do with them? you can't just bin them can you, he'd probably want to burn them or something i guess. or give them back to the ex?

it isn't like he's been getting them out and having a good look at them is it? i really think he didnt know what to do, shoved them in a filing cabinet or whatever and thought he'd deal with it all later. then forgot

if i were you i would talk to him about it. don't just get rid of them, that isn't fair, they are his.
tell him you found him, tell him you were really upset and then let him tell you what he is going to do with them

I have a box of love letters from ex-boyfriends and albums of photos with them in and ex-hubby. They are part of my past and what shaped me.

My DP has photos of his ex wife - I lived for a year with a photo of his ex wife on the wall without a problem - it was a 'montage' with a dozen other photos including his grannies and aunts etc. It was the clip frame I objected to.

Accept he has a past - I would have been terrified if I found out my DP was a virgin when we met (in our thirties).

I have never agreed to have intimate photos taken with any ex partner and do agree I would be mortified if I found any of my DP's ex wife. I would slam the lid down and put it right back where I found it.

No real advice but you are living in the 'now' not the past. Look to the future and stop worrying about the past.

I may be way off the mark here but maybe he just didnt know what to do with the photos. He would need a fire or something to dispose of them properly and maybe he hasn't had the opportunity.

I once found some polaroids of my neighbour in the nude when I was edging the lawn near the hedge. It was a bit of an eye opener so I would always think twice about disposing of anything like this!

The diary is a normal part of getting well for a lot of depressed people. You are way out of order for reading it.

Tread carefully.

I think lots of men keep photos & tokens from previous lives as I suppose lots of women do.

I am only saying this because I came across a shoe box full of old photos of ex girl friends/love interests that my husband had kept, many years back. We had not been together very long.

I was very insecure at the time & felt quite betrayed & convinced myself that he must still have feelings for all these women as he had kept their photos all this time. To be honest, I think I felt threatened by the women in the pictures. (at the time)

At the time he just brushed it off, but I was devastated that he didnt just bin them, or have some ritualistic burning (like I did with all my ex's photos) I still don't think he fully understood how upset I was at the time however.

I think he still has them somewhere, I am just not bothered where and no longer feel threatened by them.

We have been together over 10 years and are completely comfortable with ourselves and our relationship now and I can see it as just a part of his youth that he wants to hang on to. I would of acted completely differently had I found that shoe box more recently. I am certainly a much different person to the one 10 yrs ago.

I also remember watching a stand-up comedien at a comedy cafe joking about his current girlfriend finding his "stash" of XGF pics and the consensus was that this was a very common thing for men to do.

At the moment you have a newborn - you are probably very tired and emotional. A baby places huge strain on any relationship - no matter how strong. You need to avoid making any knee-jerk reactions.

I don't really know what to suggest...
I suppose you need to decide if you can just move on without ever talking to your DH about it or not.

Here's some spare !!!!!!!!!!!! In case you run out.
You shouldn't have read his diaries, and how is his son going to find out?

Is this building up to something?

From another perspective (not saying I'd be ok with the photos) but my exh convinced me get rid of masses of 'stuff' from before I met him, letters from female friends, books that were gifts from particular people he didn't like etc.

Many photos too. It was a cntrol thing for him, I was overjoyed when we split up and I discovered he's actually hidden them in the loft not got rid of them. He just 'needed' me to be willing to sacrifice my past for our relationship and have a clean slate.

He was a controlling arse though....

I would be upset too!

Agree absolutely with BoF.

I wouldn't like to think that DH had kee pornographic photos of him and his ex, however I certainly wouldn't make a big deal of finding them, especially as in the op's circumstances they are tucked away in another box with other momentos. It is not like he is keeping them in his desk drawer or bedside table.

I would tell DH that I had found them and ask him to get rid of them. No drama.

The "document" is entirely different - it is like a diary and the OP had absolutely no right to read it let alone to ask him to destroy it.

I cant believe how many people think that this is ok!! Honestly mumsnet are the most "tolerant" women I know

The photos are completey out of order.

I would end up arranging something to know whether he ever looks at them, spy style. But then thats really wrong and cr@p advice, just how hurt I would be by it.

I agree with the throw them in the bin comments (just the photos) and he is unlikely to ever mention them again.

The diary is another matter, thats his personal memories. Leave it.

We moved house 2 years ago and my DH showed me his old memory boxes and offered to throw it all out. it was his suggestion, I merely said yes please

I however have kept mine, he knows this. He says that things mean more sentimentally to me and that he wanted a fresh start.

I dont think I was controlling about it as he showed them to me, I would never have known. But for 6 years previous they had been forgotten in our garage.

AIBU to ask him to remove items from house??

My gripes are as follows :-

1. they are in my house
2. if he wanted to keep them why not lock them away
3. he didn't ask my permission for this upsetting stuff to be in MY HOUSE

Being honest I feel I would not have married him had I known. To me this feel he can't let go of past, until he does then our marriage wont be going anywhere!

I don't think anyone has said YABU to ask him to remove the photos from the house.

Maybe have a chat about the diary (are you going to admit you read it?) and the fact that your SS might come across it if it stays but that DH should find a better place to keep it if he needs/wants to.

no i don't thijk it's unreasonable to ask him to get rid of the photos.

it would be good if he could break the whole thing and get rid of the document detailing the break-up, but bearing in mind what you;ve said about his state of mind at that time he may not be ready to do so.
maybe it could be relegated to a far corner of the attic tho?

but do talk to him. tell him you found the stuff and how upset it has made you. see what he says

The photos are completely unacceptable and he should have got rid of them by now.

"my" house. Isn't it both of yours now you are married.

re: asking your permission - maybe he knew you would react like this.

But agree that you can put your foot down about the photos.