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Original poster

Discovered box of secret stuff belonging to husband

207 replies

Sadandbrokenheartedwife · 09/11/2010 18:18

Hi all
last night I found to my horror mthings I wish I didn't. Explict, dirty pics of DH's ex and also a large document detailing the end of their relationship and of when he tried to kill himself over her. It ended in 98. They were together 9 years. I feel sick, want to confront him, I can't let this go, please help??!

Have name changed.

OP posts:
CazandBelle · 09/11/2010 20:36

How could he be sure he won't have a breakdown again? Who knows what life is going to throw at them and what will trip them over the edge? We don't have crystal balls.

You're appreciating he was seriously ill at that time, so maybe also appreciate that dredging it all up again won't be productive for him, only distressing.

I would urge you to tread gently and carefully around this matter.

Longtalljosie · 09/11/2010 20:49

Brokenhearted - I have had to put up with this to a much lesser extent - I can't fecking well look for anything in the fecking loft without finding something relating to DH's life with his ex. But this is because he never ever throws anything away! This may well be a factor?

I would imagine that the stuff was moved into your house as part of a bunch of stuff. He'll have been aware it was there but there wasn't a moment he thought "this is the point I move the dirty pictures in". He may not even have been precisely aware of where it all was. It's upsetting but the two of you have a family now, you are much more important than him. You are his future.

But clearly the photos need to go. You need to tell him this yourself, and you're well within your rights to say how distressing you found finding them.

The journals are another matter. Look, the main point really is you got a snapshot into his heart when it didn't belong to you. That must have been upsetting. But that is him in the past, not him now. Were you ever in love before you met him? What if he had the opportunity to read that person's thoughts? Would he have a right to be upset because he had no place in that person's life? Of course not. He did belong to his ex at that point. It's not nice to think about but it's the way it is for everyone.

And he kept it because people do keep their diaries. Not because he doesn't love you. There's nothing in this discovery, as upsetting as it is, that indicates that he doesn't.

ItsGraceAgain · 09/11/2010 20:51

I can't read all this. I have destroyed ALL of my diaries - 30 years' worth - because of nosey partners & family members reading them, then beating me up with the contents. To me, it's unforgiveable. You opened a box and found the inside of his head was there. So you rooted around and had a good look. And now you're angry. You have a nerve.

Sorry if the thread's moved on; as you see it's a matter I feel strongly about.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 21:01

grace...excellent point

the OP has no right to be angry except about the photo's

but wven then, all it should amount to is a terse "I found these, now get rid of them"

I don't care if she just had a baby...she is out of order to make it so all about her

merrywidow · 09/11/2010 21:07

my mum once worked with a bloke who did house clearance; he found bags of pubic hair labelled with dates and names

Tootlesmummy · 09/11/2010 21:09

Get a grip, if you're so bothered speak to him or just bin them.

Stop being a drama queen.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 09/11/2010 21:12

SHe doesn't have a right to be angry about the photos though. THe photos are her husband's property - anyone who asked me to get rid of photos, letters or anything else would be told to piss off.
Mind you, I wouldn't move in with a whiny, controlling, insecure nutjob in the first place.

kittya · 09/11/2010 21:13

I agree with the last two posts.

Its not her bloody business. I cant even bear people going in my handbag, never mind rooting around through old letters and diaries. Im a hoarder and would be heartbroken and embarrassed if anyone saw correspondence from boyfriends 20 years ago.

I think you shouldve put the lid right back on that box. Youve opened a can of worms now and god knows where it will lead.

As for the photos, he has probably forgotten about them if he was ashamed of them he would have got rid of them or hidden them in a better place than under the stairs. I can understand you being pissed off with them and as they werent greatly hidden I guess you have a right to ask him to chuck them out. But how graphic are they? are they masturbation fodder or just photos that hes forgotten he had?

How do you know he is still obbsessed with this woman? why are you so fascinated by her?

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 21:15

sgb, I would be angry that the photos were so accessible

and I would tell him to get rid of them like I got rid of mine--

AnyFucker · 09/11/2010 21:16

bugger, nearly managed strike out properly

nancydrewrocked · 09/11/2010 21:16

OP you are sounding a little unhinged about this.

Ok so being confronted with pics of your DH's ex's vagina is obviously going to be a bit of a shock but he hasn't actually done anything wrong, aside from an error of judgement in not chucking them out.

You know he was in a relationship with her for 9 years they presumably were not chaste, so a few photos are actually pretty harmless. Now take a deep breath, get over your shock and realsie that if you start banging on to him about bring things into your house he is going to treat you as a loon.

nancydrewrocked · 09/11/2010 21:17

Damn you SGB I was trying to be nice but you have said exactly what I wanted to!

merrywidow · 09/11/2010 21:27

I had to look through all the stuff H kept after he died just to make sure nothing of value in it (masses in the loft, he never threw out ANYTHING). He kept reams of paper, love letters etc in relation to his ex W. I binned the lot without looking. It was HIS stuff, not mine to read. I rang her up and told her he had died but didn't think it was worth mentioning. It was in the past.

RitaLynn · 09/11/2010 21:31

OP, I'm going to support you here.

I think some people are being truly horrible to you (really, shame on them. It's not the first time I've seen a group gang up on an OP like this who is upset).

It is entirely reasonable to be unhappy about explicit photographs of your partner's ex, and it's not "whiney" to want them out of the house.

The journals are different, and the only answer is to discuss these with your DH.

perfumedlife · 09/11/2010 21:32

Photos and journal aside, i would be rather concerned that he has sought out this woman's address and phone number now.

QueeferSutherBANG · 09/11/2010 21:36

I have explicit photos of me from my past.
I have even showed DH.
However, I have kept only the pics that show only me.
The reason is I like to be reminded that I was once a size 8 with pert boobs.

OP you are taking this waaaaaaaaaay out of context.
Your DP moved in with you. It is his house too now.
He has every right to keep old diaries ffs.

And fwiw, lots of people have "befriended" old flames on FB. Does not mean they are in love with them.

kittya · 09/11/2010 21:43

how do you know he has her address and phone number? Im puzzled Hmm

Janos · 09/11/2010 21:44

Photos, I can understand some upset. They are kind of in your face, aren't they?

However, I have done photos etc (nothing particularly explicit) with exes and - well, I haven't kept them myself but if they have that's their choice. I would expect them to have the nous and sensitivity to keep them away from prying eyes though.

As for reading someone's private journal; sorry but that is absolutely unforgivable.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/11/2010 21:50

I think it is shocking you have gone snooping reading someone's private diaries and photographs. None of your business and it was hardly lying around on the kitchen table. Everyone is entitled to their private life and everyone is entitled to their past and the relics of it. Where else is he supposed to keep it if not his own home? The Big Yellow Storage Warehouse.

ShirleyKnot · 09/11/2010 21:52

er.

merrywidow - tell me more about the bagged up pubic hair.

VivaLeBeaver · 09/11/2010 21:53

My mum found and read my diary 18 years ago. I caught her in the act. I have still not forgotten how betrayed I feel about this and it still makes me cross with her when I think about it. I'm normally good at forgiving people but not this.

anotherbrickinthewall · 09/11/2010 21:55

I'ld be uncomfortable with the explicit pictures. Journal is completely different though.

merrywidow · 09/11/2010 21:57

The bloke my mum worked with, this was back in the late seventies early eighties used to buy the contents of houses at auction after the owner had died. His aim was to hopefully salvage good antiques and make a profit on the resale. In one house there was a cupboard and in the bottom drawer were bags of pubic hair labelled up with dates and womens names. Thats all I know, I just rememeber my mum talking about it; I will ask her tomorrow if she remembers

ShirleyKnot · 09/11/2010 22:08

I would like to know if there was just a couple of hairs - like what you'd leave in a bed accidentally or whether there were plastic sandwich bags full of pubic hair - enough that you could make merkins out of.

Maybe he was a merkin maker.

happiestblonde · 09/11/2010 22:09

I have letters in boxes from exes. They mean nothing, I was essentially a child, but it's weird throwing letters and parts of your history away.

He should have hidden it, you shouldn't have read the letter.

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