Discovered box of secret stuff belonging to husband

[Sadandbrokenheartedwife]

Hi all
last night I found to my horror mthings I wish I didn't. Explict, dirty pics of DH's ex and also a large document detailing the end of their relationship and of when he tried to kill himself over her. It ended in 98. They were together 9 years. I feel sick, want to confront him, I can't let this go, please help??!

Have name changed.

I think you are being over dramatic and have unrealsitic expectations regarding him.

You cannot expect a man to not be friends on facebook with a relative of a woman he was with for 9 years.

I just want to understand WHY he felt the need to keep pics, but also WHY IN GODS NAME KEEP JOURNAL OF HIS MENTAL BREAKDOWN? Don't get it??!! Like I said details would greatly upset step son who is in his twenties!!!

Wow, I must be in a minority who does not think this is ok! The diary, thats fine. But the photos? really?

If this is real you really need to calm down. He has done nothing wrong and is entitled to privacy. You haven't said why you were snooping.

Oops sorry x-posted. Glad Im not the only one.

Sad - the diary of his meltdown was probably part of his recovery. It does not mean he thinks any less of you or loves you less. Its just his past and how he got over it. Which he obvioulsy has, as he is now with you & you have a child.

Hang on - after his death?? Did I miss something in the story?

I didn't say it was fine.

I said put it straight in the rubbish now, and then no-one else will ever see it.

Up to you whether you feel like talking to DH about it, as Reality's DH says, he may just have moved boxes from house to house.

DH has a couple of boxes which he hasn't looked at since we moved in 6 years ago.

I wasn't looking for this it was amongst finanical paperwork btw. We have money problems, they were in box file with these. Im not a troll, I need help, need to deal with this in correct way. Also regarding his suicide attempt I feel we as a couple have not talked bout it, as scared too for obvious reasons, we was mentally ill for bout 8 months!

The ex was a girlfriend, they never had kids, she had issue with his son, she saw him as BAGGAGE and basically he choose her over his own son!!

Aww bless him..he must of really loved her.
But he loves you now he married,you. Get over it.

i think u r acting in the completly same way as i wud, i agree with u completly it is not normal to keep pics of his ex especially not of this nature and i agree he shud have chucked them b4 moving in with u, i wud def ask him y he has them, i know people wont agree but wot wud he do if the shoe was on the other foot? sorry your having to go thru this

The diary he might have kept so he could see how far he's come and what lows he hit?

What you have found is part of his life. Obviously an important part to him. Did you know he'd, had a breakdown?

Bin the pics, but I think worrying about what your DC may find after your dead is a bit extreme. I have stuff I wouldn't be to keen on my mother/DC knowing about, but hey I'm not ready to get rid of them yet, as I think the risk of DH and I both dropping dead at the same time is minute.

Its not ok to me, deeply upsetting, thats why on asking for help!

'basically he choose her over his own son!!'

Wow and you chose to marry a man like that

I'd be angry about the photos (very angry, tbh), but I don't understand why you're so upset about the journal. Lots of people keep diaries or old letters, etc. What do you think it signifies? Are you so upset because you don't feel that you've been included in any discussion about it at any point? Like it's a big part of his life that you have no idea about, yet it's all written down in your house?

I would be inclined to discuss it and tell him how creepy I found it having it in the house. he will probably feel bad and then chuck it out himself.

I think the principle of moving it in is less significant. It is part of his history, but he has chosen to be with you now, so it is probably a good idea to hang onto that thought while you're trying to discuss it with him. He probably did not think through the consequences of hanging onto it.

OK, i can get that the photos are unacceptable. But the diary of his breakdown could be a very powerful tool for him. If he has written down his thoughts, feelings about what happeend he could be holding onto it as a crutch. Almost like if he ever needs to remember how/what happened then it is there for him. It may well be that he NEVER reads it, but the fact that its there IF he needs it could be a great help. And I would think that this bit is not about his ex but about HIM and HIS mental well being.

Maybe he keeps the journal as a sort of therapeutic compartmentalising. To keep the obviously painful memories locked up in a box, yet acknowledged rather than buried. Or a reminder not to be so obsessed again. But agree with others that it's none of your business that he has kept this. I have letters sent by people 25 years ago I have kept - some of them love letters from teenage years. Nobody's business but mine.

I wouldn't stand for the photos though. Apart from anything else, his ex would be mortified if she knew photos like that with her on them were still 'out there'.

I have my diaries from when I was younger and some photos of my ex. It has nothing to do with my dh and if he said to get rid I would tell him no.

Okay, you have to separate two things out:

(1) He had a past relationship
(2) He had mental health problems

Both are in the past. Perhaps he keeps the photos because they remind of a happy time, more likely he's forgotten they exist. Either way you can either chuck them discreetly or say to him: 'I found a folder of photos, I don't think we should have them around the kids, will you get rid of them.'

Your offence at the pictures - are you offended because it's porn or are you jealous because he's never asked you to do it. Either is fine but just be clear on what your reaction is because it makes a difference.

In terms of mental health problems - one in four of us will at some time have a mental health problem. It's not that unusual. As far as keeping journals it may have been part of his therapy. I know lots of people who keep journals from hard times to remind themselves how far they have come from there. It prevents regression sometimes.

Well, I wouldn't be too delighted to find this kind of thing festering away in the hall either. If he wanted to keep it he should have made better efforts to keep it private and locked away. Perhaps the long document was some kind of closure therapy?

If you weren't snooping and had a reason to be looking in the place you found it, why not say to him that you found it and ask nicely whether it isn't time it was binned. New beginnings and all that. He might not have remembered it was there. And to be fair if it is a box in the hall he is unlikely to be making a habit of looking at any of it.

Calm down though OP- it's all ancient history.