Discovered box of secret stuff belonging to husband

[Sadandbrokenheartedwife]

Hi all
last night I found to my horror mthings I wish I didn't. Explict, dirty pics of DH's ex and also a large document detailing the end of their relationship and of when he tried to kill himself over her. It ended in 98. They were together 9 years. I feel sick, want to confront him, I can't let this go, please help??!

Have name changed.

they were a fanjos worth in each bag

I have 2 boxes of personal "stuff", which has been moved from houes to house and barely looked at in about 10 years. If recollection serves, I have old journals, lots of old love letters, some really deep ones detailing a break-up I had with a guy I had been with for 7 years. I have souveniers that I would probably look at now and wonder what on earth they were meant to remind me of.

DH knows of the existence of these boxes. I trust him NEVER to go through them. They are part of my past and somehow mean a lot to me- this doesn't mean that those times and people mean anywhere near as much to me as DH and the here and now do.

If someone went through them, I would feel pretty violated. I'm not saying, OP, that you shouldn't be upset by what you found (especially the photos) but be very careful how you approach your DH about this stuff. Finding out that someone had rooted about in my most private "stuff" would leave me mortified and not inclined to make further meaningful conversation with that person about the contents.

whoooooa!

That's just fucked up. (not that keeping the odd hair wouldn't be fucked up as well, but YKWIM)

God. That's creepola.

I'd dump the box and forget about it.

dump the box ?

it ain't OP's to dump

imagine if he were to get some of her stuff and just lob it in the bin...we would all be spitting !

if OP could manage to get her knickers unknotted, and just speak to him about it calmly, I expect he will be quite happy to dump it himself

unless OP is still hanging around, just waiting for a good time to drip-feed some more details and make us all look like bullying harridans...

OP...that is your cue

< stage whisper >

ItsGraceAgain summed it up nicely for me, "You opened a box and found the inside of his head was there. So you rooted around and had a good look. And now you're angry. You have a nerve."

im sorry.you are being a loon. end of

Oh how I wish I'd had MN when the 'person' with whom I currently reside found a box of my old letters.

it sparked literally years of cross-examination and inquisition. Name calling and what not. So bad, when I opened this thread I felt sick for a moment.

Another memory to remind me what a ffing idiot I am.

OP. sit him down and tell him you found it, and say that you think it's about time he dealt with it.

OK so it might feel like to do that is to open a can of worms, and you might not want to confront it.

But that can is open already.

It's the past, it'll stay there.

Be calm. Be brave.

I cannot believe that some people are advising you to throw out his photos/journal before first speaking to him! I would be absolutely furious if DH did that to private papers not least papers that I had kept for so long for sentimental or other reasons .

If he says he doesn't want to throw them out (e.g. because they are part of his past) can you try to compromise by putting them in a lockable box in the loft or, if you really can't bear to have them in the house, in a safe deposit box at the bank?

Obviously if he is trying to contact her on Facebook or still has strong feelings for her then that needs to be discussed to as part of a wider discussion about your relationship.

sexy pics of your EX erm WHY???..thats fucking weird..I could deal with letters,journals,normal pics...wtf..what are the pics about?..tis weird mate..i would be straight...'Erm..babe guess what i found'...I would throw nothing but I want explainations .. mnaybe it means nothing but damn!

Cant believe how nasty people are being to the OP, especially unhinged comments. Having a 6 month old baby myself, I know how such criticism could push you towards PND, with may be a slight factor here anyway????

I am border line, feel vulnerable re body etc. If I found photos of DH's ex, I would be pushed over the edge. Seriously, I would be really really upset/angry/disgusted, and then the comments on here would really hurt me. She hasnt posted in AIBU but is getting reactions as though she had.

Yes from a long time ago but he has chosen via house move to keep them.

I tend to find the majority of mumsnetters too tolerant on being treated badly/dismissively. Some people have higher, maybe unrealistic (me) expectations of relationships. Each to their own, no need to be nasty to her.

I agree with you pamelat. If seeing the letters and photos didn't push me over the edge, then the comments I received here on a (supposedly) supportive area of MN would have done it.

And some people have nothing better to do than to raise eyebrows and be nasty. It's just one of those life lessons, though - to ignore (though they could do that, too!) :)

So a woman has a new baby, and is feeling probably the most vunerable she has emotionally.

She also has PND? Possible who knows. I'd be bloody mortified and very angry if I found porno pics of dh's ex's stashed away especially right now, when hormones are around, I am wobbly and am adjusting to life with another baby. It's easy for people to say they wouldn't from behind a keyboard without all the postnatal changes going on.

People have been out of order in this thread really, I bet op feels like a piece of shit now. I am post natal and if these comments were aimed at me I'd be in tears.

OP- I would feel the same way as you given what you have said. I am not sure why so many posters are being so dismissive of you.

Put the box away and give yourself a week to calm down and collect your thoughts. You then need to never mention it again or tell him what you found. If it were me I would keep my emotions out of it and just say this is a new chapter in his life and perhaps its time he moved on. You can say you found the box and found the photos but didnt pry further. Whatever you do consider the consequences first. Presumably you are otherwise happy and don't have reason to think he is seeing this woman.

I would feel a bit odd about that discovery too.

How about telling him in a nice manner that you accidently came across the box and ask if he wants you to bin it now? and see how he reacts.

Just wanted to add - the way some of you have responded to OP is a disgrace. Hiding behind your computer whilst calling someone you don't even know a 'nutjob' (amongst other things) smacks of cowardice. I doubt very much you would be prepared to speak to somoeone who asked for your help and advice in RL like that. Shame on you.

How are you today Sad?

Feelingsensitive,

Just want to say how much I agree with you. What I'd say is that kind of talk devalues some of the advice given out in this section.

It's great when someone's telling you what a s**t your DH/DP is being, but when that venom is turned around on an OP like this, it makes one think twice about the advice that is given out

Agree with a few people above that some of the comments here are fucking ridiculous. Whether you think the OP was in the right or in the wrong, why decide to call someone who is clearly upset 'unhinged', 'nutjob', 'you are being a loon' etc etc etc. FFS.

Lets turn the tables a bit. Would everybody be so aggresive if OP had written that she had found these photos and journal, got upset, asked her husband about them and he'd subsequently told her she was being 'fucking ridiculous' and a 'loon' etc? Half of you would probably be telling her to walk out, or at least saying that he definitely had something to hide and there were deeper problems here etc. Instead, she's got upset and come to try and find, a) some support and b) some advice. By and large she's had a barrel-load of abuse.

For what its worth, I think that once you set up home as a family together then actually, you do surrender quite alot of privacy to each other. Esp. regarding things that are left in a box in the hallway with bank statements or whatever. Was OP right to read the journal? Possibly not (though I'd have no issue if my wife read mine - if I kept one - I did agree to share my life with her and that includes my history), but I think it would have been bloody difficult not to after seeing the pics as well (which should absolutely not have been bought into the house imo).

I'm not saying the DH is being a shit, but that he has made an error of judgement either deliberately or by omission, and that it is quite understandable that OP is upset.

Think you just need to have a chat to him somehow. Try not to be judgemental, try not to take it personally. Make sure he fully understands how you're feeling and vice-versa.

Apologies for the angry/judgemental tone above, but haven't really seen comments like this on MN before.

I made a comment last night. Although I will stand by the content (that he is entitled to his private life and things) I think the tone was harsh. Sorry OP and hope you are feeling better today and that you can discuss with your OH as there is a lot of baggage.

Some very casual attitudes on MN today as well, or maybe it's because people can't go against the grain.

Considering how many porn angst thread pop up here, and how many supporters those women get for being uncomfortable, seems to be a lot of "cool" people would be happy to forget their hubbies having nudey porno pics of their ex lying around the family home. Unlike "uptight" op.

Bizzare. But everyone loves a bandwagon

Emmy, I get what you are saying, but buying porn featuring professionals/strangers is a whole lot different to having a pile of sex pics of your GF at the time, surely?

Sounds like he had her consent.

I agree it's not nice for OP to find and yes, her H needed to have disposed of them long ago, and not gone looking for her address.

I still advocate the sitting him down and asking him what he is playing at in keeping them and asking him to deal with it appropriately.