It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

The fact that your DP misses sex and wants it is no surprise- that's how most men would feel after a year.

You should not be surprised.

What is a worry though is that you say you have tried to tell him what you don't like in bed and why it wasn't working for you- and he doesn't want to know.

Your lack of libido is all down surely to a man who won't do what you like, and who does things you don't like.

What pp said.

It seems to me the key to you and dh having sex again is talking about it. He won't talk about it (and I too am concerned that he won't listen to you in general and the 'things I don't like' phrase rang a small alarm bell) so does he really want to do something about it?

Or does he seriously think it's solely your problem, which you must solve without his help?

OK, so maybe this was a clumsy way of bringing it up on his part, but I don't think that's a major crime. On the face of it. But it clearly struck an unpleasant chord for you for reasons you have hinted at.
You need to talk. He seems to want to talk.
So.... talk!

Yes purplepeony that is a big part of it. Always has been. I tell him gently and politely to please do something different (finger tip stroking for example) I'm not good with that as just feels tickle to me.

He carries on with his way and when I get upset tells me 'but I like it'.

Top that with him being convinced he's the worlds greatest lover and gets really upset with any kind of feedback (I can't believe you would think that of me etc) and it does contribute to my no getting much out of our sex life.

Again, thank you for reading, it's incredibly helpful to be able to get this off my chest.

"Any attempts to talk about it have failed"

....said the OP.

I think she's tried to talk and he won't listen. And after you've tried and tried to get someone to listen and address a problem, and they refuse to do so, any whinge on their part about said problem must be bloody irritating. And it seems the dh is only thinking of his own wants.

Having said that, perhaps clam has hit upon something - BB could you go back to him at some point and say "About what you said this morning, let's talk...." and see if this time he does want to? Though I suspect the main issue is the dh's lack of interest in what he perceives as his dw's problem.

I think he was a bit childish about it all BUT if my partner/husband whatever went off sex totally and we hadn't been intimate for a year, I'd find it devestating, the lack of intimacy and closeness and yes lack of sex after a year would bother me.

I do think you need to go back to the GP and force the issue and see a sex therapist.

As you feel pressured and resentful but I don't think it's selfish for him to want some intimacy from his wife after a year in all honesty. I think you are both clashing and it's building resentment.

poor poor you.

There was a huge supplement in The Times yesterday on woman and sex- brought on by the Stephen Fry thing- and somewhere is the line "There is no such thing as bad sex for women, just bad lovers."

If you are inbed with a man who is not interested in what turns you on, only what he liked doing, there is no hope.

It's a bit like inviting a guest for dinner and serving them something that you like, bu know they hate.

Unless this man of your learns to think with his brain and not his cock, then he will not get sex- with you.

Most emotionally intelligent men realsie that they get pleasure by giving pleasure. He needs to wise up- or you need to cut your losses and move on.

I always think we show our true selves in bed- so if he is selfish there, he is prob selfish all the time too.

Agree with emmyloulou. A year is a hell of a long time not to be intimate, if there aren't any medical or other health reasons involved. Sex should be a way to bond you as a couple besides being a source of pleasure for you both.

Is every other aspect of your relationship close and healthy?

He sounds quite controlling and selfish, to be honest. If the owman you love says 'Please don't do that, I don't like it', a normal response would be to stop doing it and never do it again (and perhaps to ask the woman you love what she does like?). But he continues doing these things, then wonders why you don't like sleeping with him? And you are under investigation by a doctor for low libido! Messed up.

Yes but that's the really confusing part - he is forever telling me that it's all about my pleasure and he can't enjoy himself at all if I'm not.

But very often we have had sex because I gave in as it's not fair to deprive him and I may as well have not been there. There were times when I've been less than enthusiastic during the whole thing and he hasn't noticed.

To tell him all of how I really feel after so long would just devastate him

Lol just caught up with the feather stroked/tickling responses. In the nicest possible way I'm not that precious. If it was only that then I would just make a joke of it and move his hand.

It's loads of other stuff as well, details of which would be more suited to the Friday thread

See this is you whole problem IMO lack of communication. Men are not total mind readers.

He needs to know how you feel and he neesd to listen, you then need to listen to him, counselling or a meeting with a sex therapist is the way forward to see if you can work this out or not.

I strongly believe that sex is a pretty accurate barometer for how good your relationship is in general. If I've ever had issues, then sex is the first thing to go. Selfish behaviour is one of the biggest turn-offs. Why would you want to be intimate with someone you resent?

The really worrying thing is that you seem to lack the intimacy even to have a proper, honest conversation about all of this. You either need to bite the bullet and get it sorted out, complete with trips to the GP and counselling if necessary, or consider whether this is actually the right relationship for you.

Ugh that sort of sex is soul-destroying Bibi, I'm not surprised you don't want it. I would have thought it's sort of an unwritten rule in the bedroom that if one partner doesn't like something then it just doesn't happen. Ever. His comeback "but I like it" is just not on. You're not there to be used for his pleasure and the whole thing should be a mutual process. The fact that he isn't tuned in to what you're feeling means he is not paying attention to your needs. Why would you want to have sex under those circumstances?

When you say he won't take on board what you ask for, is it that he does it for a short while and then stops, or just flat refuses to do what you like?

Agree that 'but I like it' cuts no ice.

The obvious response is 'but I like when you don't do it - who wins?'

Communication is the key and I too think a therapist is in order. However I think the biggest problem is that the dh is unwilling to talk/change/accept the issue.

And you don't have to say 'I have never liked x', you could say 'as time has gone on, I like it less than I used to and now I don't like it at all'. tbh, when sex is the same for years on end it get's dull anyway, so a sexual relationship has to evolve to stay alive, imo.

I would go to counselling like a shot but it's persuading Dp that's the problem. Talking about anything important has always been a no no. Asked him why he never wants to discuss our non existent sex life two days ago and got told 'there's no point in whinging about it is there?' exit to stare at tv. . ....

Any talks we have had were started by me with little participation or ideas from Dp. I usually end up telling him I'll try the dr again then it's not mentioned again

Well if he won't talk with you to help resolve the issue, then it's a no-go isn't it?

So you have to decide if you want to be with him anymore and tell him so.

Why do you want to be with this man?

He sounds utterly selfish.
Please dismiss any idea that you need to see a dr. There is nothing wrong with you.

HE needs to see a therapist, or at least talk to you openly, and if he won't, I think you need to call time on the relationship.

Sorry to keep on and on - not been able to talk about this other than w gp and then only briefly.

Writerofdreams - he carries on until I get really annoyed then stops then starts doing the same thing 10 mins later and the next time we are intimate and the one after that.

I can't understand how he still gets upset at me saying I don't like certain things when I've been telling him the same thing for the last 8 years.

That must be so annoying Bibi.

Have you ever had good sex with him? Are there thing he does that you do like?

What about with other partners?

This is what bothers me - that he may well be dismissing the whole problem as YOUR issue. What's going to happen if you're ill, and need his support, will it be YOUR problem then?

Partners are meant to be supportive.

Wait till you're on a long car journey, just the two of you. Start talking. He cannot escape (lock the doors and don't breathe a word till you're on a motorway and he can't leap out and run at the traffic lights)