It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

You too then Beautiful! That's very interesting to read, because if I'm completely honest most of the time I think I'm making it up - it's a sort of 'surely no one can be that miserable and negative'??

I mean I looooove to have a whinge at all sorts of things on a daily basis but usually find something to laugh about straight after or stop complaining altogether.

Plus putting a brave face on things, impossible with him.

Am def. researching my get away atm - the problem is going to be financing a new place with months rent and deposit etc. Will need to get that money behind me first of all and then go from there.

I'm very like you (laughing things away) but you just can't with this type of person because they refuse to laugh along or even acknowledge they might EVER be less than perfect. Twats.

Just out of interest - is he a Pisces?

Bibi I hope you are feeling clearer this morning and know exactly what you want to do. I do not like to say the words "Leave him" as only you can make this choice and it really isn't any of our place to say this to you. It is also important that it is your choice and you do not feel pushed into it.

That said, it doesn't seem like you need much convincing to see that it is the right thing to do which suggests that you know that it is already. You do however seem to be stalling. Why is this? Are you afraid of being alone? Or just simply of change?

I think a lot of woman have found themselves in emotionally abusive relationships at one point or another and once we realize it we look for a way out. I know when I realized with my XP it took me a good two weeks to find an "excuse" to leave. I waited until he stood and shouted at me and said all those horrible things one more time. I then went to bed and the next day left for work and never went back. I haven't seen him since that morning. I sent my brother and father round to get my cat and belongings. I know your situation is slightly different but don't wait for the "excuse", you don't need to justify yourself to him. If you are really unhappy and he's treating you badly just get out. I know the bank will often lend you the money for a deposit although never for rent. So you could try contacting you bank and explaining your situation. Failing that, family are often keen to help out if they know you need out. If that means putting you up for a month or lending you some of the rent/deposit. If I were you I would make the call to the bank, they can be amazingly accommodating when they know you are in a temporary hardship - be aware though I know with my bank (LloydsTSB) if you get a temporary increase on your overdraft when it expires you need to check if it is going back to your original OD allowance or back to no overdraft.

If it is really what you want then do not put it off. You only live once and every day is a day you'll never get back. What is really worse? Getting into a bit of debt for a few months or living with this?

Rant over Good luck

3 cheers for bibi

hooray, hooray, hooray!

beautiful, have you read Linda Goodmans chapter on pisces men?
not all of them are like this, but i understand your thinking.

Thank you all for continuing to humour me with this.

BEAUTIFUL - no, he's a libra - according to him everything must be fair and balanced.

Boak, aside from paying for the food shopping, car repairs, joint presents to his relatives, holidays, meals out etc etc. Things must only be fair and balanced when HIS interests are concerned.

1Catherine1 - appreciate that practical advice. All of my family live abroad and for various reasons I can't turn to them for monetary or other help.

I have thought of Credit Cards etc but they really can't be made to stretch any more than they already are. Unfortunately November and December are expensive months for covering essentials to ensure I can continue to get into work.

Otherwise I would have said sod it, I'll use most of my salary this month and live on beans for 4 weeks. I will make some enquiries about a temporary overdraft though.

Plus yes of course I am a bit dithery about the whole thing, we have been together 8 years and me saying I wan't to leave is going to absolutely floor him.

Strange isn't it, even though things have been pretty darn shitty between us for years I know he will deny that it's that bad and will be puzzled as to how this has happened to him.

it doesn't matter how "puzzled" he is, haven't you given him many chances ?

you making it plain how unhappy you are shouldn't be too much a "surprise" should it ?

you don't need him to believe you, you don't need his validation

you are in control of your life, not him

just exited on your behalf

You've got me in one AF. I do tend to live my life as if I'm waiting for permission to do things I want to do.

Sounds crazy but the fact that I haven't been flamed to a toast consistency on this thread has really helped me to realise that carrying on with this relationship is just pointless.

it isn't too late to take control, Bibi

just because you have "dithered" before, doesn't mean that this time you couldn't find the courage of your convictions

I do suspect however, that you are very vulnerable to him turning on the "little boy lost, what did I do to deserve this" bollocks, so you really need to find some support and validation in RL

It's important to remember that he is a man, not a child. We all get dumped or have hard things happen to us, you don't have to keep his life sweet at the expense of your happiness. Really wishing you all the best :) I got rid of my ex-stoned loser after a few years and have not regretted it for one single solitary instant. And he was quite good in bed :o

Ha! Exactly right. You're starting to scare me now AF - shooo, get out of my head

I was just mulling over how I will deal with his particular brand of guilting.

With him it's 'I knew I'd fuck it all up eventually' and as you say 'what have I done to deserve this' etc

Plus I feel terrible for forcing him into a worse lifestyle than he has now. Due to his earnings he will be looking at a flatshare or room or bedsit which he will hate.

Add to that the fact he's been too tight to buy anything jointly over the years (furniture, tv etc) he won't be leaving the relationship with much in that respect either)

Arrrrggghhhh......why do I feel soooo responsible for what happens to him

He's made you feel that way. It's not a coincidence, 8 years is a long time to learn something.

you reap the harvest you sow.

he isn't a child, love

he made his own choices

you are not responsible for the fuck-up that he is

I imagine that then when you dump him, he will quickly find some other willing female to foist himself upon, these pathetic men usually do

what is the alternative ? You carry on supporting him, financially and emotionally, because you feel sorry for him ?

one life is what we get..he is a grown up and so are you, with grown-up choices to make

(feel sick emoticon) - sounds like he's trained me well Elephants.

Starting to realise what a giant fool I really am

I must be an easy candidate since the cats managed to train me up to their requirements in about a week. Bit of gallows humour....usually works.... :(

hey, a fool you are not

no Bibi, he thinks he has you trained...
he takes you for a fool...

you know what you have to do.

dont know how you are going to deal with the cats though...rather you than me

"I do tend to live my life as if I'm waiting for permission to do things I want to do."

I do this!! It's so annoying, isn't it?!

you could stop

or let us give you permission

quite common I think. A lot of girls are brought up to think that caring for others is more important than caring for yourself.

Bibi - you sound really nice. I bet you are a great friend, but you just have to let your "being taken advantageometer" recalibrate itself sometimes. If you have to have "an excuse" just lower your tolerance level and let anything be an excuse. Snoring say, or leaving his socks on the floor. Perhaps leaving dirty dishes in a bowl of cold greasy water for you to wash up. Whining about something. Sure you won't have to wait TOO long for one of these to crop up :o

< countersigns >

< stamps today's date >

Yes, permission from everyone here sounds great.

You mean explode at a minor-ish issue and then flounce out Elephants?

Mmmmh.....that could work especially if he stacks all the pots in the fecking sink AGAIN after I've virtually begged him not to do that.

Going by that I should be free and single by about 5.30 tonight then

Anyone got any good ideas for a sob story to tell the bank re. temp overdraft btw?

Not advocating that as the most sensible grown-up option but who cares really at this point. If it makes you change your life and start it being "all about Bibi" for a bit then bloody go for it.

( knew at least one of those things would strike a chord :o)

Bibi.. the homeless line works well (I have actually used it).

Bank Proposal
Bibi: I need to get a temporary overdraft or something to arrange a deposit on a new flat now. I've just split with my partner of 8 years and unless I can get this money for the deposit I'm going to have nowhere to live. I have no family to turn to but I work full time and can afford to pay this deposit back over x months.

They'll probably put you through to a special department, they did with me when I ended up homeless after I went through illegal eviction. They helped me the best they could. You have to remember that they don't want you to be homeless since if you owe them money homeless people are difficult to track. :)