It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

Aah, thank you 1Catherine1. I was being a bit blonde earlier since I thought you said banks don't like the idea of lending for rental deposits.

You meant they don't like lending money if it's solely to pay the rent didnt' you?

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck

Just realised that I have committed myself to spending £340 on the car tomorrow for work to get it through the MOT.

If we split soon that is going to be totally dead money to me isn't it since it's his car and I won't be able to use it after the split.

Can't see a way out of that tbh without totally letting the mechanic down (son of work colleague)

I'm going to have to write it off and give Mr pay for nothing yet another freebie aren't I?

Bollocks, Bollocks, big hairy bollocks......

Sorry for language

No. You don't have to pay for it. People cancel things being done on their cars. It is your right. If your P needs the work doing then he will have to pay for it to be done himself at some point anyway.

You really really need to know that it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy. Apologise and say you've had some unexpected money troubles and can't afford it at the moment. He might be pissed off but it's hardly unheard of. And it's true.

Yes, sorry if I wasn't clear. The deposit itself they will lend you - I was told this off the woman at the bank who basically told me I had to word it properly when asking. It is only when you ask for monthly rent money they will say no.

As far as your mechanic, even if he is a colleagues son you can't afford that right now. You need to put yourself first. You are not this man's keeper so stop acting like it. Speak to your colleague today and depending how close you are choose how much detail you choose to go into with them. If it is just a casual acquaintance then maybe be vague but slightly dramatic.

I'm sorry I have to cancel on your son at such short notice, I appreciate he's gone to a lot of effort but something really important has come up that means I just don't have the money for it. I am really sorry but I don't really want to go into since it's personal. Cue slightly worried expression.

Seriously leachy men piss me right off. Don't pay for it. I ended up in £15000 worth of debt because of my XP. 2 years later and I'm still coving it. The arse started a business with student loan money that I didn't want to take out in the first place. I'm going to be paying this off for the next 20 + years, every time I look at my wage slip a little bit of rage flares up inside me. The least you can do is refuse this last act of leaching.

Yuck!

Glad to see thread has moved on

That's very handy to know 1Catherine1. Will def. try that asap.

I am a total dumbass and in the interests of honesty have to confess that it's too late to cancel the work. He took the car away to fit new parts etc early this am.

What the hell is the matter with me, should have realised that straightaway. Think it's because leaving is finally now a real possibility in my own mind.

"Seriously leachy men piss me right off"

Yes but he never asks me to do anything for him/pay for anything outright.

It's my own stupid obsession with sorting things out that leads me to jump in purse first.

After the event he then always tells me that he never asked me to do anything like that and he's right of course :(

Can you ring the mechanic right now and ask him not to order any more parts etc and just finish up what he has started?

Mmmh....worth a try I suppose Elephants.

I'll have to find a brown paper bag to hyperventilate into for five minustes first though

minutes, damn it, minutes.

Minustes indeed.....it's what I will end up having when this is all finished.....

The thing is Bibi to a certain extent all men are guilty of failing to forward plan when it comes to finances. Generally they're all rubbish at paying bills and it's left to us women to sort these things out. I'm sorry if that sounds sexist but IME it's true. My currant DP recognises this too so at the start of every month he transfers most of his wages to our joint account so I can do with it as I see fit. He usually keeps about £100 a month for his own expenditure. I don't actually have to do anything with this money since all my bills are paid by direct debit but I know how much has to be in each account and by what time of the month.

Do you know how much money he has and if he has the money to cover it himself? Some couples keep their finances completely separate but others (like me) have one person who manages the finances. You could simply ask for the money to pay the mechanic from him. It is his car after all. It wouldn't be an unreasonable request.

Can I ask you something honestly... are you intimidated by him? It seems very strange that there is no reason for you to be the one to move out yet you haven't considered the possibility of him being the one to leave. You seem to be acting in the same way I did when I left my XP. You just want to leave and never see him again. I did this with my XP but then I had good reason to. He had told me that when his ex left him he'd pinned her against a wall and poured boiling water down her. I was shit scared of him doing that to me so I couldn't tell him I was going. I also needed to be in the protection of my dad and brother for a few weeks. It might be that he doesn't even want to stay there without you and by you both leaving you'll end up paying rent on a place neither of you live for your notice period.

I've just remembered something that might be of limited help. I believe you can get priority housing from the council if you are in a situation where you live with your ex. This is not an ideal choice since there is a waiting list which varies from area to area. It would also require you to continue living with him after officially splitting up. To find out more about this you can contact your local CAB. I'm not 100% sure on how this works.

No luck with the car. Apparently he's about an hour away from finishing the work and dropping it back.

Well, that will have to be my final lesson in this sorry saga then.

1Catherine1 - thank you again for all of the practial ideas and tips, they're really great.

Not sure if I'm afraid of him - when he's really moody and stomping around and swearing I do feel a bit jittery but he's never physically threatened me in the slightest. Not so much as a finger jabbed in my direction so not sure why I feel like that.

My ideal scenario would be to stay where I am now and he move out. I can almost guarantee though going by past experiences that he will act like nothing has happened.

So say for example I told him I wanted to end the Relationship and wanted him to move out. Even if he agreed to it he would just stay put and do absolutely nothing knowing that I can't force him to move.

Since the house is very small there is no spare bedroom for me to escape to so it would mean having to share a small space with a man who could be anything from upset, unbothered, angry, teary etc for an indefininte amount of time.

I'll be honest - I really won't be able to deal with that and so think it's best I make my own plans.

Apologies to keep on and on - pls someone tell me to shut up if it's getting irritating!!

of course he doesn't ask you to do stuff...he relies on your good nature and you wanting to "fix things"

you've been doing it for years, just what he wants

time to stop now

catherine is giving really excellent advice here

Bugger. Never mind, let that be the last money you squander on him. Don't worry about posting - that's what MN is here for :o

How about you just tell your soon to be ex you don't have the money to pay the MOT and if he doesn't pay it you will tell the mechanic to keep the car....

not wicked me.

Oh, great idea phipps! And logical :)

Oh dear....nooooo couldn't do that, I'd never hear the of it. How can I be so nasty especially when I know he can't afford that sort of money,.......yadda yadda.....

As it is I've yet to tell him that the garage he insists on taking it to every year is not involved this year. Cue lots of questions on the whys and wherefores.

Just for once I figured, my money my choice of mechanic - if he wanted a particular place to do the work he should have booked it himself.

You won't have to hear the end of it if you're not there ...

Oh Grace, nice idea but I couldn't just run out. For a start my poor kitties would only get fed when he put the playstation controller down/remembered/felt like it.

And then there's me, where would I go.....hotel is a bit of a waste of money since I'm not in any danger from him.

I've survived this long a little bit longer won't hurt :)

Blimey, beginning to feel like a bit of a shit making him out to be such a villain.

Doesn't say much about me does it....

Ok, you can't afford to move out yet. You have made that clear. And you are not in a situation where you need to leave asap because you are not in danger. Maybe you need to talk to him and explain your intentions. You can start separating your finances now.

Fortunately our finances are and always have been completely seperate so at least that's something :)

Bibi you so sound so much more positive, that's great! I kept trying to post all day but my damn phone was playing up.

I don't think you are painting him as a villain, and I don't think anyone here things he's a villain - I'm sure he is not intentionally a nasty person as such, it's just that he cannot offer you what you need/want. He does sound supremely selfish and immature, which does not make him evil by any means, but I think everyone (including you) can see that he is diminishing your ability to enjoy your life. He cannot provide you with a loving and satisfactory relationship, which is what you deserve (and I honestly believe that - you come across as a very kind, bubbly person). You are 36, and because of his refusal to consider anything except his own high opinions of himself, you have been celibate for a year. You're 36, not 96!! It's just not on, and I think you know that too.

Ok, so it's not practical to just pack up and leave immediately. How about a spreadsheet? Seriously, organisation is key - get everything listed down on a sheet. How much you earn, how much you can save, how much the bank agree to give, how much you need etc. Also make a list of everything you need to do - find a house, transfer bills to his name, close joint accounts, get packing boxes etc. This means you can get everything in order, and just tell him shortly before you leave. No drawn out 'conversations' (probably more of him talking at you) over the ensuing days, no awkwardness over having to live together whilst you find a flat, with him knowing all about it. It will motivate you to write it down, and by planning like this you can finish the relationship in a quicker and more healthy manner.

I don't mean to sound cold, but you have to start putting yourself first.

Oh also, plan something nice in the long term that you would like to do - for me it'd be one of those gorgeous spa retreat places where you're pampered like a Queen :o

Right enough. MAN UP!

You can do anything and you won't be there to hear anything.

Either start your new life or don't but you can do this and you need to do this.

But doesn't Bibi owe this man some kindness without just dropping all these bills on him? As far as I read it, he's not coming across as an evil bastard like some are portraying him.

Who says he's an evil bastard? And it's not cruel to put the bills in his name as she is moving out. It's not a punishment, it's practical.

I don't see anyone calling him an evil bastard.

This man has not cared what Bibi has said and she owes him nothing.