It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

Does he have a hearing problem?

Seriously, he is one messed up man. How on earth has this lasted 8 years?

Can you take his hand and show him how you want it done? Would he learn? Is he willing to learn?

If not, I'd give up.

Well yes Writer things were fine at the start and for about three years into the relationship. After that selfishness and not talking started to get to me. (looking back now I mean)

Its just so difficult when the other person won't engage in any decent conversation and then keeps telling me what I'm seeing and feeling is wrong.

Eg. - I don't like it when you do such and such - no I don't do that; you've got that wrong etc

Rambling now, sorry

Blimey, I'd stop speaking to him altogether and wait till he asks me what's wrong.

He doesn't sound very nice, BB.

Purplepeony - tried the whole hand guiding thing and ooh that's nice etc early on. He just did the motions I liked really mechanically and couldn't wait til he could stop.

I'm an idiot for putting up with it i know but i gave up trying to 'teach' him what I like years ago.

Ouch.. Sorry BB, this is ringing some bad bells!.

Is it only regarding the subject of sex,when your opinions and views are irrelevant? or are they wrong in other matters too?

It really isn't good that he dismisses your feelings :( Like you say, if someone won't actually listen to what you have to say and acknowledge it then there's no way of sorting it out.

Would it be worth bringing it up again and trying to get him to see your point of view? Make it clear that it is a serious, make or break conversation, and he can't get out of it by claiming there's no point in talking about it. Clearly if he's bothered about it and he's getting upset over the lack of sex then it is worth talking about.

If you mention something and he dismisses it then challenge him. Ask him why you would make it up. Ask him if your feelings actually mean anything to him. Don't let him chicken out of talking.

I know it's a very hard thing to do but from what you say it seems like this is a major issue and that it might end the relationship. In that case it's worth making a good stab at sorting it out.

We've had a make or break situation about 4 years ago Writer.

His attitude then and now is that theres nothing he can do if I'm unhappy and if I want to leave he can't stop me.

All of this is said in a defeatist shoulder slumped what can I do way not aggressive btw.

Leaves me feeling boxed in tbh like I'm being told if you have a problem you sort it and don't bother me with it.

If only I'd known about mm back then I might have actually left then. . . . .

MN not Mm

It baffles me a bit that he can genuinely see the sex issue as being entirely your problem Bibi. Sounds like a very passive aggressive tactic to be honest, in the sense that he knows that by pushing you to leave he forces you to back down.

Are you genuinely considering leaving over this issue? If you are then it might be worthwhile telling him that, and letting him know that you are serious. Have you tried writing it all out in a letter?

I am sorry but he sounds incredibly immature. Not what you want to hear I know, but if he won't take any responsibility for the situation, you are flogging a dead horse.

Opting out of any communciation, change, and responsibility for his actions is not the sign of a man cares.

You deserve better and if i were you I'd be planning my exit strategy. sorry

Have you got kids? If you don't, then I'd bail. Really! He's a passive-aggressive baby.

I agree with other posters that he sounds immature and lacking the responsibility gene.

I just wanted to say that what caught my eye from your original post was your mention of the pill. I had a revelation in my sex life when I came off the pill. It had been completely numbing my senses in that department IYSWIM!

It may or may not be helpful, but it could be worth a try if you choose to continue this relationship.

I agree with everyone who says he's immature and selfish. Do you have any DC? I think I would have to get rid if there were no DC involved....

Sounds as if it's not just the sex issue,where he refuses to give validity to how you feel.

How do you feel in yourself about being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care if you are unhappy?

I immediately thought he was passive agrresssive too, from your ' said in a defeatist shoulder slumped what can I do way not aggressive ' comment - that is passive aggressive.

He doesn't sound like he's very interested in your tbh, and I'm trying to resist adding 'the idiot' at the end of that.

He thinks you have a problem. Ironically, we all think he is the one with a problem.

How do you imagine he might help you if something very bad happened in your life? If you had a miscarriage, lost someone close to you, had a serious illness, lost your job? I know it's a very negative way to look at it, but if I were with someone who I wasn't sure would step up to the mark, I wouldn't be with them much longer. Do you think he'd be a man or a wet end if you needed his support?

I don't get this. He's doing absolutely nothing to solve an issue, where everyone benefits if it's sorted.

I'm guessing this selfishness pervades other areas of your lives too.

If you don't have dc's, I too would be cutting my losses and looking to build a future with someone who would consider my needs important.

Sounds very similar to my H! It is soul destroying, to be completely unheard by a partner in terms of what one likes/doesn't like. And that's it isn't it - we are not 'unheard' - they hear us, they just don't care. I honestly do think it's some kind of screwed up ego thing, some men just can't bear to imagine they are not sodding Cassanova, and as such, the woman who dares to dislike his moves must be wrong. Hilarious and ironic - to spend all that time thinking they are great lovers, and then to miss the crux of what actually makes a great lover (listening to and responding to a partner's needs/desires).

From his side, I suppose he must be feeling rejected after a year without intimacy, but to be honest, if he STILL doesn't want to discuss it like adults, I'd be inclined to think he's not too badly affected and not waste my time feeling guilty.

To be perfectly frank, I would say it's at ultimatum stage for you. Either there is some blunt, open and honest two-way dialogue, or therapy, or you call it quits. Neither of you deserve to live a life of celibacy because you can't move past these issues. You do deserve someone who makes you feel wonderful, and who enjoys pleasing you.

Had to nip out for catfood - thank you for all of the replies! Was wandering around the supermarket in a bit of a daze tbh. Just amazed that you can all see the things you do from my posts.

Been battling with things on my own for so long it's so nice to be able to articulate the thoughts that have been going round and round in my head.

No we don't have any children. That's another thing getting to me atm - was never sure whether I wanted them but now that time is marching on (am 36 next month) I would like to at least talk about whether this might be a possibility but he says he's not sure and won't discuss it further than that.

Reading this all back makes me feel like a headcase for staying. Always feels like I've got it all wrong though since he tells me what a good guy he is whenever I have any complaints.

One more question pls - why would he constantly tell me that he wouldn't be able to live without me yet play the not bothered act when I threaten to leave?

The children issue is what makes it much more pressing to sort it all out NOW. You can't waste any more time on him if your biological clock is ticking.

It's called a power game.
He wants you to feel guilty and wants to be calling the shots.

Maybe what he means by he can't live without you is that he is hooked on being domineeering/controlling.

Or it could just be bollocks and he says what he thinks you want to hear.

The can't live without you/not bothered act is manipulative. He has all the words and none of the action (if you'll excuse the pun). He just isn't willing at all to work on the relationship, so rather than actually talk to you when you bring things up he just calls your bluff by saying you should leave. He probably knows how invested you are in the relationship and knows that by pushing things you will back down and give up. If he genuinely "can't live without you" (which is just a ridiculous thing to say in my view) then he should be willing to talk and talk and talk and try to sort things out.

I'd say now is the time to cut your losses and get out of the relationship. I hate to say it but at 36 the time for having kids is running short. I wouldn't have children with someone who is so unwilling to listen - how would you resolve issues surrounding the children?

I agree writer.
It's now or never.

He won't take responsibility for ending it but he won't mend it either.

He throws it all back at you- including the fact that you must have a problem because you don't want sex because uuuuummmm...he doesn't do the right things, and won't even try to do the righ things.

Emotional abuse of a sort- gives you a problem by his own behaviour then pulls drawbridge up and won't talk, or acknowledge his part in it.

Hope you have the courage to go.

It's very difficult for me to put the word controlling together with the listless unbothered character of Dp.

There's no way that I could bring a child into this relationship now. From what I gather on this site it makes a relationship even harder work. Work that I would have to do alone i think.

I have thought about the practicalities of splitting up many times. Since we rent and I don't want to lose the cats it would be ideal if I stayed and he moved out.

Since he has no friends is not close to his family and doesn't earn enough to live anywhere other than a bedsit I don't think he's going to agree to that.

Just have to bide my time and wait for a suitable place to come up that will allow pets.

Eternalcynic - you sound like you're still with your h. How do you cope with not being heard?

You don't have to be shouting etc to be controlling. Silence and sulking is just as effective.

Whose name is on the lease?
can you ask him to leave if it is yours?

I hate to add- He has no friends.and is not close to his family..

Classic abuser status!

Good luck BB,Hope all the practicalities get sorted quickly!

You deserve to be happy with someone who listens and considers you in all things.