It's all about him

[BibiBlocksberg]

Can't believe I'm going to even talk about this without namechange but need to know I'm not imagining things. So, dp and I were laughing at the cat who was all snuggled into him this morning and started purring loudly when started to stroke and fuss her. Cue us laughing about how much she's enjoying being fussed.

Dp turns round to me and says 'I haven't been fussed in ages (in little boy voice) meaning sex of course.

We haven't had sex coming on for about a year now which is my fault since I have totally gone off it. Any attempts to talk about it have failed since he refuses to take on board some of the things I don't like/reasons I feel I've gone off the idea completely.

Have talked to gp 4 times now re no libido but other than swapping brands of the pill they don't know what could be causing it so am now stuck for ideas.

Anyway am just absolutely livid since it always seems to be about him him him in the bedroom. That comment earlier just made me so angry. Not 'we haven't done anything for ages, do you feel like it etc, no just He hasn't had it for ages.

All topped off with a wobbling bottom lip face and lots of sighing when i went to make a cup of coffee.

Just so tired of it all being my fault really, thanks for reading this ramble.

Both of our names are on the rental agreement so would think we have equal rights to live here.

BibiBlocksberg - hhmmm...I don't want to project all over your thread, but since you asked; to be totally honest I'm not coping. I have done for some time now, but it has worn me down. I don't know about you guys, but our situation was initially very different. His generosity in those terms contributed massively to my attraction to him - but, over time, it changed. Now not only am I not heard, I am also told that I am not up to scratch so to speak. Please don't let it progress to that for you, it is so hurtful and only too easy to start believing. The difference in our situation is that I am not brave enough to just say no, so I let it continue whilst not really feeling much except, now, massive resentment.

I honestly do believe it's a form of control; for instance, instead of discussing things properly, he will just bluff you and say 'ok well leave then'. He knows you can't/won't for whatever reasons, but it gives you enough of a shock or scare to make you back down, saving him having to discuss any subject which might reflect badly upon him. He also sounds as though he doesn't properly engage in a conversation, for example, countering your honesty by telling you what a good guy he is when you have a complaint. The implication is that 'you are wrong, end of discussion'. And no doubt he says it in a very genuine, surprised manner - as though he's amazed anyone could be hurt by him, he's such a 'good guy'. This again prevents you from having your issues acknowledged, so they never get solved.

You sound very strong - I am not saying you should leave, no one can know if that is the right course for you. But I will say that you should give yourself a time limit - if he does not take some ACTION (not just promises and talking) to change his behaviour within a certain time, you will end it. This gives you time to try and fix things, and also to plan on how to end it should that come about. This is what I am trying to do now.

I wouldn't say he's controlling as such, but I do think, that as you say, he is "listless and unbothered" and rather than making an effort he'd rather manipulate you into backing down. Stonewalling and silence are just as manipulative as shouting. As others have said, he is dreadfully immature and is unwilling to make any changes for you. That's not good news at all for a relationship.

I agree that this would not be a good relationship to bring a child into. I doubt he would do his bit with the kids or listen to you if you asked for help.

Remember that if you do break up with him you're not responsible for him. It sounds to me like he wouldn't be able to afford the place you live in now so why would he want to stay? If he insisted on staying he would just be being petty.

Crikey eternal - sounds like you're living with dp's twin!!

The resentment rings a bell here too I am constantly feeling really angry when I know that's not me at all.

Stupid thing is I've been here before with the Dp the whole controlling thing. Then it was coupled with violence so though this one was different since he's only miserable and not violent.

Do you have children involved Cynical?

Xdp was violent - typing on iPod here so pls forgive mistakes

Just read all this thread, and totally agree with everyone who says to cut your losses. If he's this selfish and unable to communicate now, I don't think having children with him is the world's best idea - and sounds like he's not going to step up on that one anyway.

OP, when you wrote:
"Its just so difficult when the other person won't engage in any decent conversation and then keeps telling me what I'm seeing and feeling is wrong.

Eg. - I don't like it when you do such and such - no I don't do that; you've got that wrong etc"

WOAH, massive alarm bells ringing here. Minimizing, denying etc. All very bad signs. Can I just ask why it should automatically have to be you that moves out if the relationship ends? Why do you assume this? Whose name is on the lease?

No we don't have children, just other things complicating our situation.

I truly hope you manage to find a way through - I know it's hard, and also it isn't something most people would want to discuss with friends in RL, unlike other spousal issues, so that removes a potential support network. It's also easy to rationalise it all away, which I am guilty of doing. But that resentment is not healthy, and it will only build until something changes drastically.

He is not treating you with respect or love at the moment, he is putting himself first continuously.

Oh and also, if he turns the bloody TV on while you're talking to him about this, I would do something highly illegal with the remote!

CheerfulV - because he has nowhere else to go and whenever anything shocking happens to him he goes into a weird frozen daze.

Really hard to describe tbh but am almost certain that he will deal with me wanting to split up by doing nothing.

Our place is tiny and I just can't stand the thought of that. Best scenario would be for me to tell him it's over and tell him when I'll be leaving.

Can you tell I have thought about this scenario more than once..........

OP:

If it was me I would have murdered him years ago. I had an ex who used to tell me I liked things I didn't and constantly push me and emotionally blackmail me into sex but while covering it up with that F"""""*"ckinggg awful child voice - I stopped letting him near me and finally left him, months after I should have. THere's nothing more irritating than someone who is selfish about sex in this sense and doesn't take the time to learn why it is a problem for YOU not just why you aren't liking what he wants you to like.

You don't have DCs. YOu want DCs. He won't discuss this with you. You are 36.

When are you going to leave?

Oh please do that Bibi. Tell him it's over, you'll be leaving and that you're taking the cats. Our cat was fine when we moved house.

You deserve so much more than him. Please don't stay with him a second longer than you have to

Given what you say about him doing nothing, it probably is a good idea to find somewhere first. You need to be able to get up and go sharpish, otherwise he'll either think you're bluffing and continue to do nothing or manipulate you into changing your mind. You should be able to find somewhere that takes pets easily enough.

From everything you've said it sounds like leaving is genuinely the best thing for you. He has no intention of properly addressing your problems and you're unhappy. The issue around having children is also serious enough to warrant quick action.

Breaking up is rotten and stressful. It's going to be hard, but don't let him convince you to stay. I doubt he'll ever change enough for the relationship to work. Do you have anyone in RL that you can talk to about this? Not necessarily the sex issue, but the breakup?

Eternal - you've hit the nail on the head about talking to people in rl. Very difficult to make anyone understand the reasons for putting up with it.

You sound stronger than you give yourself credit for and i really hope you too find the strength and practical solutions to get out and find happiness.

Would love to keep in touch to compare notes/offer an ear :)

DH isn't always want I want in the bedroom but he would never carry on doing anything when I said I didn't like it. When he had libido problems he sorted it out and didn't blame me.

Bibi - a man should add to your life, make you happy when you see them, want to make you happy and listen. Does he do any of these things?

I'm not at all surprised that you don't want to have sex with someone who who continues to do something to you regardless of having made it clear you do not like it.

To tell him "as time has gone on, I like it less than I used to and now I don't like it at all'" as another poster has said, would not help at all because all he will hear is that you liked it once upon a time, so thinks that if he does it enough, you will like it again. Sorry to be frank, but this is because your feelings don't matter to him.

You are not the problem here, he is, and you can find easily find someone who will not treat you like this.

happiestblonde you just made me laugh thanks :)

The child voice is an absolute passion killer. Whine whine whine. What do you mean your still not turned on? Here let me whine some more see if that helps :)

Every Saturday used to be the same, I'd bring him tea and he would grope my breasts and between my legs and then be mightily put out when i said I didn't like it.

I only recently learned on MN that i didn't have to put up with the groping either but thought there was something wrong with me for not liking it!

oh heck, have just caught this thread

OP, I am another one who is saying "cut your losses...and quick"

if you want childen, and you don't see your future with this selfish bollix, just go

there isn't actually much more time to lose

good luck x

Good :). Jesus I would actually kill him. The same ex used to constantly try to grope me and was in the habit of waking me up to demand sex (that he never once got - nasty bastard) then whining and saying I had problems. My only problem was him so I got rid and never ever looked back. My DP finds it pretty horrendous to hear the stories and would never consider touching me if he didn't think I was into it (because to do so is a little weird). You need to leave him - ideally very soon - and find someone lovely who deserves you and doesn't make you feel a bit sick in side at the mention of sex ;)

I know I keep saying it but thank you everyone for your time and comments.

Am surprisingly cheery now at the thought of leaving. Wasn't sure whether I wasn't just making his 'qualities' up in my mind to give me an excuse to leave since I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings.

Think I will be spending a lot of time on the local Gumtree property for rent section...........

Oh god, just occured to me how close to xmas we are. Might not be strong enough to tell him I want out until after. Then again, won't be able to stand all of the pretending over the turkey either.

Dither dither....... :)

I know it's tempting to keep putting it off Bibi, but every week you spend with him is wasted. Leaving before Christmas might seem mean but really there's never a good time to do it - after Christmas there'll be Valentine's Day, then possibly his birthday etc etc etc.

Glad you feel better about it all. It's easy to think you're making a mistake but in this case I reckon you definitely aren't. Good luck :)

No, stop dithering.

Stop throwing the good years of your life after bad. Think about it.

Who cares about Xmas ? You don't even have any children. Xmas is about children, not grown adults pretending they are in a useful relationship. Stop rationalising.

I stayed with someone until Boxing Day as I didn't want to spoil his Christmas . We didn't live together so was easier but he was in tears when I told him it was over.

No time like the present. The longer you stay with him the more time you will have to wait until you meet the man of your dreams and the father of your scrumptious babies...

yep, don't waste you life op.

Get out and find a new place, a new life.

Love the way this thread is going :)

OP - listen you own your body. You don't have to put up with or pretend to enjoy something that you don't like. If he is touching you against your will it is sexual assault - someone will probably tell me that's silly but it's not. It's the legal definition. I'm not suggesting you go to the police about your DP, just that you hold tight to your bodily autonomy - it is yours no matter how long you've been putting up with this slimy childman cohabiting.

It sounds to me like you have had to stop having sex with him because any hint of sex makes him think it's open season to stick his cock or his hands anywhere he wants to. He may be lazy but he's not afraid to stand up to his own rights over you. Get rid. As a wise woman on MN often says "just because you've left a relationship with an A grade tosser, doesn't mean you have to accept a B grade one." (or words to that effect).

Imagine Christmas without being groped and whined at :o