Right, dd asleep!
I did as I said post a bit earlier, as bonita, but I namechanged. I mentioned that my (in the past abusive and negligent) parents were due to visit soon, for 2 weeks. I really didn't want them to as last visit was a disaster and because all these memories have been coming back and I'm only just starting to realize the extent of my mother's responsibility in the whole thing.
So, I finally wrote my mum an email saying something like this: Dear (mum) and (dad) (I used their names rather than "titles") It's not long until your planned visit. I wish I could say I was looking forward to it, however, unfortunately this is not the case.
I am going to be completely honest and tell you that it makes me sick thinking about it. It makes me sick thinking about you, and what you did to us during our childhood. It has become impossible to separate past from present. Every time I look at dd I'm reminded of things. How could you???
Then, I just explain how since mum said they'd booked the trip I've been feeling awful, become physically ill etc. I said I'm telling them because I want them to understand how their actions and non actions, how it's affected me to this day and I'm telling them because I want them to reconsider the trip. My mood is affecting dd and we all want her best etc.
Anyway, emails back and forth, my mum saying she's sorry (always have done, not changed anything) coming up with examples of how she thinks I'm wrong saying she didn't do anything to protect us, because once she did takes out separation from my dad, found a house, was due to move, was gazzumped. So then, of course, we couldn't move and as it was more than a year the separation was annulled and they remained married. Yes mum, I remember so well! You told us we were moving and we were ecstatic! Finally we were leaving the hell hole. Then,you told us that actually we're not going after all. She wants us to be grateful for that???
She also mentioned that she did seek help, oh yes she did the saint. What she's talking about it ONE session with a therapist that was due to my brother's problems at school (he had started acting violent and hit a girl in his class) so not actually something my mother did anyway but the school. Brother refused to go, dad refused as nothing was wrong with him, so mum and I went. I remember the therapist asking my mums role in this and my mum acting like a child that was being told off, me comforting mum and us leaving with nothing resolved. Mum then spent rest of the day (and life) saying how this therapist couldn't be qualified as she didn't know what she was talking about. What had my mum done, we were there because of my dad, the bad guy. And I comforted my mum, the poor little child, saying of course it's not your fault etc. I was about 16-17 I think at this point and had already left home.
She brought these 2 examples up as things she did to help us? Wow.
Phew. During this emailing asking them not to come my eldest sister called, I didn't pick up (it always drains me talking to her so have to remind myself not to pick up). She then emailed saying I hear you're not feeling too good, I'm here if you want to talk etc. She is so enmeshed with my mother she is the last person I want to talk to. I politely said thank you so much but I am to tired to talk about things now.
She then emailed back saying shes sad I don't want to talk to her but she respects it. Next day she calls me 7 times!!! Thank god phone on silent so I didn't see it until after. She also left a message almost whispering saying oh I know you said don't call but I am anyway you need to talk etc.
Next day middle sister sends sms (not heard from her for ages, too many problems of her own) saying things are not so good here either but hear you're not feeling great. hope you know you can call if you want to talk. I've been there myself so I know what you're going through etc.
Interestingly my mum also said she knew what I was going through as she has been there herself! (My gp were not abusive to her).
I sent an email to both sister thanking for support (not mentioning the 7 phone calls that is clearly not respecting me at all) but that parents have no cancelled and I'm feeling better. I said truth is I'm fine otherwise but just thoughts of parents coming was making me feel so bad.
Middle sister emails back saying she's happy I'm well, but was surprised we cancelled them as I have been asking for more involvement, support etc from mum and now they're coming I change my mind. I said I think I'm just realizing she'll never change.
Then, yesterday, I got a long email from my eldest sister and it was like being hit in the face :(
dd waking so have to post on that later! xx