"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

hi all, i posted earlier on the am i being unreasonable thread and someone v helpfully pointed out this thread. i am rubbish at getting things to link so have attached my original thread

Hi All.
sorry for the long post , spelling mistakes etc but once i started i couldnt stop.
First post but i am hoping that someone out there will be able to give me some advice.

I come from a family of four sisters of which i am the youngest by 15 years. I dont have a close relation ship with any of my sisters at all partly because of the fact that they all treat me like a child even though i am now nearly thirty. Which means that none of them have any problem with telling me what to do in my life even though i am married with a son and another one on the way. Anyway i am due in 4 months and am actually dreading the baby being born because i know what my family are like.

When I got married everything to do with my wedding was wrong ? the church was wrong as i chise to get married in my husband?s church that he and his family attended regularily as opposed to the one my mum attends ? that i havent set food in since i was 12 years old. Of course that meant that the entire service was wrong from the hyms we chose to the readings ? and everything else like my wedding dress ? mink coloured as opposed to white - apparently advertising teh fact taht i wasnt a virgin ? even though a white dress made me look as though i was at deaths door as i am so pale. Then the house that we moved into after we got married ? it is bigger than anyone elses in my family but we could afford it ? apparently far too big for the two of us and a waste of money ? and wnet my sisters came round to see it not one could say anything nice about it.

Sundays are a big thing in my family ? well everybody forever irregardless of what else is going on in their lives goes down to my mums on a Sunday to spent the afternoon in a room where ther tv is on full blast and no one talks to each other as they have nothing to talk about cause they see each other three or four times as week and the kids are all shouting and moaning because quite frankly they are bored but are forced by my sisters to sit there. I decided when i got married and my husbands family live a bit further away that we would go every other week or even every two weeks so that we could visit his family and also have days out ourselves ? the hell i got for that ? every Sunday i wasnt there i got endless texts from my sisters asking where i was and what i was doing. I should mention that we never went to my mums for lunch so it wasnt as if we were putting her out or anything like that and that my dad is in a nursing home and until recently came out every Sunday ? but on the weeks that i didnt go to my mums on a Sunday i always made sure that i called in an saw him on the Saturday or some night during the week.

Then when my first son was born ? my entire pregnancy was public and everything i did was wrong from the type of buggy i chose ? far too expensive ? it was a quinny buzz we got half price in the sale, the hospital i chose ? it wasnt the one my sisters went to with their kids but it was the most convient for me and my husband, the maternity clothes i wore ? far too expensive for such a short period of time ? dorothy perkins . Then i was told to throw out all my pre pregnancy jeans as i would never fit into them again having put on three stone during my pregnancy ? my mum even with twins never showed until she was six months.... but when i did fit into my size 8?s three months after my son was born i was obviously starving myself ? nothing to do with the fact that i was breastfeeding a 9 ½ lb baby who was 14lb at 6 weeks....

Then the real trouble started. When the baby came everyone expected that i would start going to my mums every Sunday ? even though the house is really noisy ? she has cats & dogs running about all over the place the dog which is really old and cross ? snaps at everyone - and the cats are let the run of the house ( nothing agains cats & dogs ? i have three cats (outside) and a dog myself who has been introduced to my soon from day one and three years later are best friends) and she refused to shut the dog up or put outside when i was there with the baby ? meanwhile whilst breastfeeding he was jumping up sniffing etc ?not v easy for me. So i stopped going down because it was stressing me out ? and as my husband works 15 hour days and the weekend is the only time he has with his child i felt that it was more important to spend the time bonding with my husband and son. Again though i made sure that once or twice a week i visted my dad in the nursing home when my mum was there. Not right as my nieces and nephews and sisters didnt feel as though they were getting to know the baby .... even though they sat and played their playstations the whole time. My mum and sisters came to visit me once a week or so for the first 6 weeks after the birth but once i was able to drive ( i has a c section and then had to have a further operation when the baby was three weeks old) i was expected to do all the visiting and was phoned up regularly could i take my mums here and there etc (no one else in my family drives ). On and on this went until i went back to work three days a week ? my days of i chose to spend going to mother and toddlers, swimming pool etc meeting up with my mummy friends (as much for me but also so that my son who is looked after by my mil could have company his own ages) doing my cleaning and shopping etc so that my weekends where free to spend with my husband ? who at this stage left in the morning before the baby was up and v rarely got home before bedtime. One of my sisters in particular started giving off about the fact that i didnt meet up with them for lunch during the week ? something i have never done ? and why were my friends more important ? and why didnt i take my mum out places those days and why didnt i take my dad out ( ignoring the fact that he is in a wheelchair with v poor mobilty and i drove a Citeron C1 that i couldnt fit the buggy into never mind anything else..... ) and i was told that i let my son rule my live.......i shouldnt work around his feeds naps etc ? he should be made to wait /sleep in car seat etc etc .

My mum is constantly taking funny turns ( always the middle of the night, loses the power of speech cant move etc etc ? but when gets to hospital the doctors can never find anything wrong with her ? she has had scans and blood tests galore and is on tons of medication just in case - and low and behold if she is admittedshe recovers as soon as she is on a ward). It is at the stage where no one believes her ? not even her own doctor and as this always happens when someone else in the family is ill we can only determine this is attention seeking. Eveytime this happens i am called to take her to the hospital, collect my sister from the hospital , take clothes down etc ? which i dont mind and am happy to do ? if my husband is at home. At least half a dozen times in my sons first year this happened ? always after my sons bed time and i was told to stick him in the car seat etc and bring him with me etc and even one night my sister was looking after him whilst we went out ( the first time since he was born) my mum came up in a taxi supposedly ill and demanded that my sister take her to the hospital ? with the baby in tow.
Things eased of for a while until i got pregnant again ? after a hard battle with postnatal depression ? which my mum cheerfully told everyone about as that was now everyone in the family ? and fertility problems. I dared complain about morning sickenss ? i couldnt even keep water down ? i was told to shut up sure its what i wanted..... then i got got offered an elective section ? i should be made to try like everyone else because my sisters didnt have it that easy ... have chosen to continue to go for long walks, cycle and other forms of mild exercise ? i am doing the baby harm ? even though i have come of my antidepressants and have been advised that exercise releases endorphines to combat depression ? and as i am not stuffing my face with cakes etc i am obviously starving myself so as i dont put on weight ? even though at 5 months i am much bigger than the last time!.
In the meantime my mum has stopped bring my dad out of the nursing home as he is too much hassle. I have made the effort either every other Sunday or one of my days of to call in and see him ? but my sons hates going in ? he loves his grandad and will sit happily anywhere else outside of the nursing home on his knee and do puzzles etc and stories but in there he doesnt get any peace with the other residents and after fifteen minutes wants to go and gets hysterical if we dont . my mum said to my son at the weekend ? your grandad wants to know why you havent been down to see him this week and i told her how much he dislikes it . I was told to make him stay as his grandad was getting upset. I left and my other sister ( who lives miles away and only visits at the most once a month) gave off to me saying my mum ( not my dad ) was really upset that i hadnt bothered going down last week....

I know when the new baby comes it will just get worse ? especially when my son will be starting school in september and i wont have the same free time. My husband thinks that i should just stop making an effort to see anyone as it is getting me down so much but i dont know what to do. Whether i am the one being unreasonable ? or my family?

mum2beIs it you being unreasonable or them?
Let me think about that one .
Your mother needs 'everything' to revolve around her doesn't she, she cannot bare the limelight to be stolen even by a new born baby and it seems she uses everyone in the family (including your father) to meet that end.
She also retains said limelight by ensuring you all have a pecking order within the family and yours (by order of birth) is at the bottom or so it seems. So who is the golden one at the top?
The way they are all treating you is at best unpleasant and surely must be robbing you of your self esteem, and Im guessing your mother was like this when you were small too . Which means you grew up in an abyss without any approval or support.
I agree with your dh.

I can't do this mother thing. I just have no energy. I don't want her to see me crying all the time and with a miserable face on. I want to hide.

mum2b2 I know it's easier to say than to do, but your family are your husband and your children now, so they should come first.

My mother is pressuring me to leave my son with her, because she has "the right" to have time alone with her grandson.
Three weeks ago I overheard her telling common friends that because I'm homeschooling my children I'll turn them into asocial little poofs. It still hurts so much. She spends her time criticising whatever I do. I breastfeed the babies too often, and I should give them formula milk. I shouldn't co-sleep. I'm not strict enough...
Whenever I answer back she bursts into tears saying that everyone is against her and she'll end up in an asylum.
All my siblings have emigrated. Sometimes I think we should move far, far away too.

Sorry to cut in mum2b2.

Bookcase it's ok to cry. Keep posting, ring the samaritans if it would help to really talk. You are getting through these days, and your appointment will be here. Please keep posting.

javotte...interesting that she thinks she will end up in an asylum, do you think she knows that it's her with the problem?

mum2b2 your family are indeed you husband and children.The rest of them are not in any way a priority.

thisishowifeel she thinks she'll end up in an asylum because of us. I'm so, so tired of keeping everything bottled up and slowly killing myself with food. But I'm afraid if I start to talk about everything that's on my heart I'll explode and tear the family apart. And I don't even think it would lead to anything (if I make the slightest allusion to an aspect of my childhood I'm unhappy about, she rolls her eyes and sighs "I know, everythingis my fault!").
I know I should have less contact but we can't move at the moment.

bookcase would going out for a little walk help? I don't know what the weather is like where you live, but when I am very low, feeling a ray of sunshine on my face often makes me feel better.

bookcase hope things looking a bit brighter now

javotte am so shocked at your mother saying such appalling things about your parenting. I don't think any grandparent has "the right" to be alone with their grandchildren - they have to be trusted to be able to take on that responsbility and care for their grandchild in the way the parents would want

Erm, can I just sidle in and ask for some advice?

My 94-year-old grandmother is in hospital, with what is probably terminal cancer.

It is sad, and I feel a lot of pity for her, but she has spent the best part of a century being vile, racist, narcissistic and abusive to those around her, chiefly my beloved mum (whole childhood of being screamed at, told she wasn't wanted and had ruined her mother's life, no affection ever, that kind of thing).

My mum is finding this very difficult. She has vowed to do everything she can as far as making sure my GM is physically well cared for, comfortable and so on, but is freaked out that the woman she has always feared and pretty much hated is now a pathetic shell - I think it's feeling pity that she finds strangest.

She says she literally can't think of anything else and just desperately wants it all to be over.

Is there anything I can do to support her and get her through this time?

Mum2b2, from the bits i have read ur mum sounds sn, mayb autistic? Agree with others u, ur son and dh ur priority! Am on mob at gp am in despair at limited mobility and stress re ex and court!

This is why I no longer see my mother. I refused to take care of her needs any more. I have my dh and dc's to think about and my mother couldnt bare for it to be about anything other than her.
It came between choosing between me and my mental health and her. I chose me.

bookcase I know how hard you are finding things at the moment, but dont feel you must step aside on here, keep posting it's important. Take long walks with dd, drink herbal teas, take long soaks in the bath.
You need to care for you, perhaps not see your mum until you have had your appointment.

stillfrazzled I think all you can do is be there for her, hold her hand and let her lean on you a little until it is over.
It is your mums decision at the end of the day but perhaps as well as yourself she would consider a counsellor as an additional support? There may be difficult unresolved feelings that she carries and better to begin unravelling it all now than in the aftermath of you GM passing? Just a thought.

DH has taken DD to spend the day with his parents. I feel like I am letting her down. I'm supposed to be teaching her how to live life well and I'm unable to do that. I don't want her to grow up feeling that life is about being unhappy.

I just want to say to previous posters that I don't want you to think I'm ignoring your posts. I don't have enough to give at the moment so feel unable to respond adequately. Feel pretty dense if truth be told.

stillfrazzled I am struck by the idea that I am your mum and you are my lovely daughter from the future! (hold on while I hop in my time travelling supercar...)

I ruined my mums life too, she would have aborted me if she'd thought of it soon enough, I should be grateful she didn't leave me in a phonebox, she threatened me with care, tried to give me to my uncle, I ruined her life blah blah blah. It hurts me massively and at least I can tell myself that it is not me being silly / over sensitive. I am glad that you are supporting your mum, and I am very glad to hear that she overcame what happened to her at least to the point of being able to talk about it, and being able to give you the love she never had. My mother hated being cuddled / touched by me and I thought that was normal

If I were your mum I know I would be tempted to accidently step on some vital bits of tubing / unplug hospital equipment in order to charge my phone. I am only half joking. I think it is fantastic that your mum is seeing she is cared for, it's more than I would be able to manage with my mother. who is evil

Bookcase I have been unable to do shite all for my daughter for the best part of a week. I can't eat or drink I mainly cry in bed or post on here in my more lucid moments. I go over and over all that happened to me. I remember new bits. I cry.

Dh says that I shouldn't worry about not doing the washing up or cooking dd's dinner - he can do that and that I have to concentrate on getting me well for dd's sake (and his and mine). I know he is right - feeling guilty about not being able to do the mum thing for dd is just another stick to beat myself with, another way to say 'I am a bad person' - that guilt is a red herring, ignore it.

Hello - just marking my place on this thread but I'll be back in a bit.

smithfield, I did think of suggesting a counsellor as I am worried about her having unresolved feelings. I have suggested it in the past, but the thing is I don't think she's conflicted - she can't stand the woman, feels compelled to do her duty anyway, and hates it!

I had a private word with my dad at the weekend and he's positive it will just be a massive relief when it's over. But I'm keeping a watching brief and will suggest again if it looks like it might be needed, thank you.

nemofish sounds like they cloned my nan and you drew the short straw and got her as a mother! Worrying. I actually think my mum's amazing, she has been so determined to be the exact opposite of her mother with her own children. Luckily her dad was lovely, so she did have one positive example of parenting.

We have all made the 'pulling plug' jokes

Thanks nemofish. Can I send you some hugs?

I'm struggling with a thread that is active at the moment. I keep telling myself not to look at it but can't stop myself. Sometime I deliberately try to trigger stuff. I don't know why.

Bookcase as I have found to my cost, it wants to come out, to rise to the surface and be dealt with. Naturally I have spent most of my adult life trying to numb myself so I can't think about it which has got me where I am today but it will come right in the end. There's no reason that I can't, eventually, 're-program' all the bad stuff I absorbed as a child and a teenager. It does piss me off that my mother and stepfather have got away with it and swan around acting all respectable, like.

I think I know the thread you mean. Happened to me too, at a similar age, but not a relative.

And hugs are always gratefully recieved in the House of Nemofish!

I have dipped in and out of these threads over the years. Sometimes I don't have the strength to read them, but this time I feel that I will start as the thread starts and try and keep up.

It strikes me that all these parents have one thing in common, as my own do, and that is that they cannot see their children as separate people from themselves.

I had a massive crisis a few years ago, and have been in psychotherapy now for nearly a year. It's just beginning to have an effect I think.

I had a violent bully of a father, now dead, who was a classic cycle-of-abuse utiliser, and a mother who I think has NPD. She is very elderly now, and really losing it, and all I feel is that I will do my duty as a daughter, and that's it. Actually I think that she is very lucky that I am a nice person .

now I can see ger for what she is, I see a Two year old with a nasty manipulative underbelly.

All I would say to those of you who have very young children is that my mother has tried to turn my children against me using tears and lies. So please watch out for this. My Dc are now older and I think they see her for what she is, and have escaped her manipulations. This is down to a few severe dressing downs from me, and she is now scared of rocking the boat. not nice but had to be done.

yes Gettingagrip that's why I told my mother to fuck right off before dd was even born. I had to protect her. The likelihood is that my mother would have just ignored her totally, but I wasn't willing to have dd hurt by this (why doesn't grandma come see me / hug me / act like the other grandmas?) and I couldn't take the risk that it would be otherwise. Not to mention the risk that my stepfather may have posed once dd hit puberty

I so admire all you younger ladies who have realised what is happening to you and done something about it.

I am early fifties and it's taken me all these years to find out which way is up!

Because of my upbringing I ended up in abusive partnerships, with severe depression. When I think back to my childhood I can see now that I was depressed even as a child. There are very few photos of me when i was young, but when I see the ones that do exist I can remember the feelings I had at that time, and they were not good feelings!

I feel now that I have to pack a lifetime into half a lifetime if that makes sense!

Oh yes, and meant to say...this is why I posted in the first place! My mother is competitive with me and the DC. She could not even let them win at board games when they were very little...she HAD to win. And when she did win, she crowed in triumph IN THEIR FACES.

Of course we can all beat her at everything now she is old, and she doesn't like it one bit.

She knows everything about everything, you can never tell her ANYTHING. Even if she plainly knows absolutely zilch about something and you are the world expert in that particular topic she will still pull a face like the cat's bum when you tell her something.

I am ALWAYS WRONG, and she is ALWAYS RIGHT.

And twas ever thus.

SO of course I eventually just stopped saying anything, as what was the point?

Ha! My mother is the same. I had it drilled into me that mummy has an IQ of 140 (I think it was) and is always right. No matter what. End of.

I was raised to beleive that I was always wrong, I was an inconvenience and I should be grateful that I got fed and clothed and complaining and troublemaking will not be tolerated. So when I complained that I didn't like it when my stepdad was agressive with me when pissed, that was complaining, and when I siad I didn't like it when he said things about my body and the way he looked at me, well that was troublemaking and I should be flattered that I was obviously attractive and recieving male attention. The fact I was 11 was irrelevant, as we all know, old enough to bleed, old enough to breed. I started my periods at 11 that phrase has haunted me for most of my life. She didn't protect me, she was jealous of the 'attention' she thought I was getting. He kissed me. He kissed me. Why couldn't I tell anyone? Because it was troublemaking and wither she didn't believe me or doesn't care. If she could read this she would be laughing her arse off and saying I was imagining it or somesuch. Funny that I have been saying the same fucking thing for 20+ years. And he was so pissed he wouldn't know what he did or to whom. So why did she believe him not me?

Well sorry ladies it appears that it is my turn now to have a break down on a public forum. I want to go screaming through the streets, I want to tell everyone I meet, I want to ring their estate agents and tell them what they did to me, they did it to me, they did, i lived in fear and no one would help, and I thought it was all my fault and I was in the wrong, over sensitive, overreacting, with a vivid imagination, ha fucking ha, never thought i would say this but god i hope it happened to you too you fucking bitch i hate you i hate you i hate you I will never stick up for you or try to understand you again I hat eyou

nemo...is there someone you are talking to about this?

Do you have some help?