"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I would react very strongly to my mother's visits yet I wasnt even aware I was reacting (if that makes sense) because I was so numbed out. Yet when ds was born the instinct to protect kicked in (along with the hormones ) and the reaction became explosive.
It was as though I couldnt suppress all those feelings anymore, and yes it felt like I was breaking down.

Dont know if I'm making the slightes bit of sense. Am sooo tired my brain has gone awol

im very tierd , have to get up early to get kids in school in time, so im off to bed.
Will be back tommorow.

sometimes i just need you all.

x

And actually that in itself is very telling. Here you are a woman with a baby but still taking care of her needs. That was me too.

Isn't it weird how we feel we should apologise for feeling empathy towards ourselves? We're all pretty good at offering it to others.

Thanks for your very powerful posts here, people. Droves, I'm hoping my army of nieces & nephews know I'll be available for listening, if/when they start to make the connection between their issues and their parents' fucked-up family. It's painful to see the pattern repeating itself all over again :(

bookcase Just thought I'd check in on you, in case you still had that scared feeling this morning and remembering your dh was back at work.

Hello, just want to mark my place and wish you all a positive week

[was offline for a couple of weeks so somewhat behind]

Whoops, I posted in an old thread.
Here was my message :

A big thank you to you all.
I posted on MN many months ago, initially because I was unable to express anger when my parents criticised me or the way I bring up my children.
You showed me that it was in fact abuse.
I was unable to face it and stopped going on MN. But I have been thinking about your advice ever since, and so many things came flooding back during so many sleepless nights... It's been a tough time because I haven't said or done anything about it, apart from comfort eating and putting on another 25lbs.
But I think identifying the abuse is a first step, and I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.
Thank you.

Javotte So pleased you feel it has been beneficial to you despite the difficulties.
You know by posting this you are inspiring others. Hope you come back and update again soon.

REL Hello there. How have things been since you last posted?

Hi smithfield. Thanks for remembering. I'm feeling a little grotty this morning but have plans to get myself out and seeing people for the day.

I do sometimes have a strong response to my mum. It frustrates me that she martyrs herself so much. She has tried to be more of a mother to me since DD was born but I find that difficult to take.
Her way of relating to people is odd. It's a case of 'you can treat me like @!&$ if I get something in return.

Her offers to do laundry etc are more to keep herself busy than anything to do with helping me, I think. She needs to feel needed.

I hope everyone has a good day xx

Thank you grace for starting this new thread.

bookcase I am glad that you found some support here yesterday. It's true that letting this stuff out, a little at a time is ultimately easier than dealing with it in the same old ways. I hope you continue to post a lot. I have found this place to be a complete life saver.

I could not deal with contact now. The longer I am away from them, the more of a perspective I get, and the more angry I become. I just didn't deserve that. No one does. My "mother" is clearly very ill, but that is and was not my problem.

The sex thing interested me. My sisters were very promiscuous. They seemed to think that having STI's was just a normal part of life. I went completely the other way, and hid, (my M.O.) I have spent years of my life not in any relationship at all, sexual or otherwise. My first husband was predatory, sexually. He would bully me for sex, and sulk until he got what he wanted. He was obsessed with sex, was addicted to porn, I suspect I was drugged, as he used to joke about slipping me rohypnol, when could that ever be a joke? People often tell the truth in that way don't they? In the end, he had a sexual relationship with my mother. Nice.

bookcase I think that's wonderful that you are going to get out for a bit today. You will definately feel better for it. When dd (my second) was born I had just gone nc with my mum and that was difficult in itself (as difficult as having had her around but in a different way) but getting out and about always did help.
Thank you for posting about your mum as well I know you probably dont find it easy to say any of this stuff, but each time you post it gives us all a better understanding of who bookcase really is if that makes sense. Its also good to read it back, when you can and see it all written in black and white.
It is so hard explaining to anyone how your mother being there and helping isnt to do with you or I at all, that it is still all about them and their needs.

Have a good day x

Blimey, thisishowifeel. Well at least it sounds like they 'deserved' each other!

thisishowifeel ....its shocking that your exh and mother did that .
I thought mine was bad when she tried to flirt with my ex-h , who she also insisted was nearer her in age .
"Hes <span class="italic">my</span> generation ", was her saying ..hes was only 7 years older than i , in fact no where near her age.

Mental.

Perhaps its part of the abuse too , competeing with their daughters for male attention....

Sort of jelousey against us ? or trying to ruin any happiness outwith their control ?
i dont know....the mind boggles.

BOOKCASE , i hope youve had a good positive day today !

POSITIVE HEALING VIBES FOR EVERYONE!

Lots of good things happen...biggest joy can sometimes be found in the smallest things.

Today i did the "smile at a stranger" thing....you know when your walking and just smile at someone who catches your eye , no reason , just to be friendly.
The little old lady smiled back, it felt great . HA There i made someone smile , me .. who was despised and told she brought nothing but misery as a child .

TRY IT , it works .

Came home from supermarket on cloud nine !

.

Then collecting kids from school , ds4 fell over and bashed his little knee..
I picked him up , wiped away his tears (hes only 5) and cuddled him .
He told me i was a good mummy and cuddles made him better .

.

Hello TRS

Hope you are well. Thanks for asking! I feel very good. Only had a couple of minor toxic-family related annoyances lately.
First was Father being abusive to Mum outside the post office because I haven't sent him any photos of DS. Its not like he's sent us anything, not that we'd want that. She gave him short shrift anyhow. Good old Mum. I do worry about her in these situations but she says she doesn't give a hoot - he's nobody.
Second was that his brother, my Uncle, sent me a Facebook friend request with no message which I found a bit strange. It got ignored. Pretty sure that was just to see if there are any photos of DS, which there aren't.
Really thought they'd got the message by now but obviously not.

Some days i just want to focus on the positive ... if im happy then its like going nah nah nee nah nah and blowing rasberrys at those who hurt and abused me in the past.

INNER CHILD RUNNING RIOT AND STICKING UP TOO FINGERS TO PARENTS ... I think.

RudeEnglishlady ...odd the facebook thing.. but well done for you for ignoring ! , glad your mum was standing up against the toxic dad rant ! well done too.

SHINNING EXAMPLE OF HOW IT SHOULD BE DELT WITH IMO !

Yes rel Well done on ignoring- It isnt alwyas easy especially if we've been been brought up everyone elses needs. Like me Still have a lot of the people pleaser about me. And your mum is an adult she can stand up to your dad which I think in her own way she is telling you. He sounds like a real bully .

droves loved the image of your inner child throwing the fingers at your toxic mother.

I just wanted to ask if anyone on here had competetive parents or a parent? By that I mean parents that competed with you.
I think that during my dad's visited I realised how he does compete, and how subtle it is (or maybe not subtle but so normalised by me). It is just a constant undermining that he does. Thinking Im seeing my dad as he really is for the first time, I always had him down as the good guy, although I know rationally he so obviously isn't.

He told me while he was here that my mum will be looking after My nephews (golden dbs boys) after school two days a week.
This hurt to hear because when we came back from oz and were on our arses ,literally, I begged her to help out a few days a week so I would not have to put ds in nursery full time as I knew my only option was to return to full time work. She refused. Lucky escape for ds though in retrospect {hmm}
Even when I did a bit of cleaning around that time to scrape some money together, I would ask her if she could look after ds for an hour or two and I would hear her flicking through her diary pages. We were on milk vouchers back then..things were so bad.
Golden db has his own business (handed over by dad his wife is a dentist).
Sometimes when cleaning my sister would have ds but my mum would be looking after my nephew, they lived in the same house.
Once when this happened my mum refused to watch ds while sis went to the loo or upstairs; 'Im not watching him she said, you are'.
Why oh why have I wasted my energy with all those guilty feelings for cutting that woman off .

Either way it hurts. But I need my brain to remember this things too. Or else I will start rewriting history and revert to guilt mode.

Yes it is shocking isn't it, and yet when I first found out, and I was still in contact, it was so "normal".

Actually it is not remotely normal.

Facebook....a mine of information. I know that my mother and exh are still in contact, despite her being quite sure that they are not. Who is she lying to exactly. My first MH assessment told me to stick to facts. Yes they ARE still in touch, it's there for all the world to see, even though he has nothing whatever to do with our ds. Those things are fact, not my insanity

It was that time, when they were fighting me for sole residence, and doing a good character assassination job every time in court, as well as the Rhuematoid being diagnosed, and losing my biggest client at work, that I just wanted out.

Bookcase nothing ever stays the same. Nothing. This time will pass. I've been thinking about you all day, and it did, I confess, trigger some scary feelings in me reading your posts, about those very dark days of discovering the true extent of what my family have done to me, but then I thought about how very much I've learned and grown, and you will too.

You are so brave.

hi all

new here, hope OK to post

had difficult time over past 14 years with breakdowns, depression, OCD. Have started seeing clinical psychologist who has started to do work with me about my relationships with parents, particularly father. Feeling very churned up by it all - not obviously abusive and we did go to stately homes (!). but what she's saying feels very true. anyone else have similar?

Hi droves. Good for you inner child, sticking her fingers up. It was okay today thanks.

It's difficult to say really because I don't feel enjoyment but I at least didn't feel bad during or after seeing people.

Then I saw my mum! I started questioning her about the past and she was saying 'he wouldn't do that', 'I never left you with him' etc. I just don't know what to think and whether I can believe my feelings. She did say he used to 'force himself' on her. I told her that was rape and she said 'was it?'. She had no idea it was wrong!

No competitiveness in our family smithfield. That sounds horrible. I can relate to the feelings of guilt.

Dandi ... hi !

Thank you thisis. I'm glad you've been able to see how far you have come.

Hi dandy and welcome. I'm new on here too and have found it very welcoming. Sometimes abuse is very insidious but it still has an effect on your life, even if it's not obvious.

thanks for the welcomes. Not read previous threads, but feeling very moved and sad by the stories on here.

my psychologist is tryong to encourage me to look at my upbringing and recognise that it was not typical and that there was smacking and shouting that was unjustified and harmful. I came to the shocking conclusion the other day that I was scared of my Dad, and probably still am. At my age and with two beautiful dcs, this was a bit of a shock to me

Hi dandi- Yes I am still afraid of my dad too-Mine was physically quite meancing when I was young. I used to think he was like the incredible hulk.

bookcase It's hard isnt it, not being able to get at the truth, but you're mother's denial is her way of protecting herself. I don't think she will shift.
I do believe you should trust your inner feelings/instincts because closing off from them could be more detrimental to your health.
Things like this surface for a reason and it is clearly at the forefront for you now.