Briar - I feel deeply for you. I agree,you are more likely to be underplaying this,and NO WAY is this " too much ".
One of my own (negative and unhelpful) core beliefs is that I am "too much"...that the truth,the real story of my life,and - hugely - how much I need/crave love (the healthy kind)will prove to be "too much" for anyone.I feel I have to "protect people" - adults - from the experience of hearing about the horrors that I have actually experienced - as a child.I wonder if that sounds familiar to you?
I have been in a very similar situation to the one you are in with your parents.I will try to summarise as succinctly as I can.
I left home as soon as I could,aged 16.My father was/is a dictatorial ,domineering bully who sexually,physically and verbally abused me ( and my mother,I suspect) My mother has bi-polar and is Narcissistic in her behaviour,constantly.They enable each other.
We had very little contact until I had dd1,when I was 27.They then popped up wanting to play the perfect g'parents.Luckily,we lived 35 miles apart,so this was limited to a weekly visit.At that time,I had little insight into ,or understanding of,their behaviour as toxic.I was still playing the script and trying to fix myself so that I would get approval.They were appalling to me.I was not functioning well.
When dd2 was born,dh1 and I split and I had NPD.I had therapy on the NHS and began to see things differently.I also went to a psychodrama Group.I was encouraged to go NC.
When dd2 was 2,I met dh2 and we moved 200 miles away,from the suburbs to a small,rural community.
Within a month,my parents sold up and bought a house in the next street.They simply announced they were coming to be near their gdc's and it happened v quickly.
They behaved almost exactly as you describe your parents behaving.Dh2 (we met and married way too quickly),was unable to get how/why my p's behaviour affected me so badly.It is so subtle,as you say.I was still,at that time,unable to describe what it was that they were doing - how I wish I had had MN then.
DH found their "support" a blessing when I became pg with ds.He enabled their escalating mad interference in our lives.I felt suffocated and terrified.On one occasion,after shouting at my mother to get out of my house,my father slapped me in the face.This was interpreted as evidence of my instability and I was diagnosed with PND again.I became pg with dd3 almost immediately .
The realisation that I was never going to get away,spurred me into moving house.But,still not mentally free,I only managed to move us 5 miles up the road.Still,they couldn't walk round,so it was a considerable improvement.
Following dd3's birth (a near death experience for me,long story)I started to "wake up".My 2nd marriage fell apart and I kicked xh2 out after he got us heavily into debt (60k).I "realised" I would have to do things differently.Around this time,my youngest brother (golden child) married a local girl,bought a house in the same village ,and quickly had 3 dc.My sil (very sheltered,local upbringing) "disapproved" of my "lifestyle" (single mother,different fathers - how dare I kick out dh2 when he was going round telling the community he loved us all...)
My middle brother had by this time,moved in with my parents.He is,at 42,unable to settle,has numerous gf's at once - always drama,drinks heavily,acts like a hippy-student...etc - sound familiar?
Well,I became ostracised by the community - I think due to my sil.Gossip is hard currency here.I started growing some attitude,got a promotion at work so i could support us all,lost weight,got fit and started putting boundaries in place around my p's.
Luckily,they were shifting over to become completely immersed in my b's and sil's lives.In fact,they dropped me,and at a time when I could have used help with childcare - on my own in an isolated cottage with 4 dc - they all told me I'd "made my own bed,and get on with it".
Sadly,but unsurprisingly,this was when I met my NPD nowxp,and also got into a difficult situation with Narc Boss at work.Another story,documented elsewhere.
After a particularly vicious,mad episode by my Mo,I wrote a letter to them,saying I wanted them to phone before visiting to arrange a mutually convenient time.Unfortunately,I also tried to explain - with examples - why I was unhappy about their behaviour.Big mistake - don't bother trying to reason with N's.They showed the letter to myb's and sil who have refused all contact with me since , on the basis that I can never be forgiven for what I have done to my parents -since birth,culminating in this.
My mother and father read the letter as me cutting contact with them.They went round the village,telling everyone how I had "broken their hearts".We had NC for a whole year.They would ignore me in the street ,and send cards to my dc in the post.My b approached my xh and tried to arrange for him to bring my dc to family gatherings - without me.Xh refused and told me.They still phone him regularly to request this.B once went to dd1's school and asked her if she'd like to come over to their house with her sibs " but don't tell mummy".
2 years ago,I moved an hours drive away from them all- rural miles,difficult in winter.Through the experience of extricating myself from xp ,I have learnt loads about myself and my relationship with my family.
I am now a one foot in,one out Stately Home-r and NPD survivor.
The family haven't changed at all.But they can't appear without warning now.I honestly,rarely engage emotionally with any of it.It hurts most that my b's have gone for good.My p's seem pathetic and irritating.I don't feel any love towards them but I maintain very brief,controlled contact at my dc's request.I wouldn't mind being NC,tbh,but dd1 and dd2 particularly don't want this.
We all know how to deal with them and discuss it openly at home.In some ways,it is useful in that my dc are learning how to spot and deal with emotional boundary issues.It doesn't seem to affect them emotionally as it did me - my p's,I mean.The dc are protective towards me and automatically answer the phone with excuses if it is Granny.
Sorry for the essay.I will stop now.