"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

tihif/nemo! I apprecaite the warnings, you are probably correct, I want so very much to have some sort of relationship with mother and she is the key to the others in the family, that I am willing to go to one session in four, and her to work on herself the other three! I have something worked out anyways, I am going to tell the therapist that mother has passed on her family script from Grandmother to me and tried it on with my children and in order for us to have a relationship she needs to work though her childhood trauma in therapy! I also plan to tell therapist that in order to have relationship with Mother she needs to work on the way she triangulates relationships within the family, and look at why she stayed with bipolar/abusive father etc... To look at scapegoating and transfering and to look at why she has issues with apologies and accepting truth! Mother will probably run off from it, who knows! I will give it a try, and see where it goes, I can stop it at any point and walk away if I want to!

Met with old best friend, I am still processing things really from the meeting, it was so very much worth while going, apparently I have not changed physically, and I have in other ways, which is all positive! Old bf seems to want a relationship with me, so I can't have been too hard on her, she asked me at one point had I come to challenge her, so it must have been a tough meeting for her, she took a lot of responsibility for things, I pointed out that she had not apologised, she was surprised that she had not... She went on to apologise, adding in buts and excuses, I asked her why she found it hard to just say sorry, she seemed confused!!!

Thanks for listening, I now have to deal with crap from exh, feeling strong though!

TIHIF, I am sorry about the facebook thing, I saw it not long ago myself on someone's status! I sometimes wonder how many people who post that if they had their eye's opened, would still do so x

I understand, thisis.

I had some emergency couselling when I was 16 as I took an overdose. It helped me immensely to find that it wasn't me who was being unreasonable at not being loving towards this man who called my mother a cunt, was drunk, aggressive, unpredictable and very innapropriate with me. I had a right to be angry that my mother had decided the first alky she met was a great catch and moved him in when I was ten. He 'looked after' me while she was at work

She was furious as I was not 'fixed' and still didn't agree with her.

She worked with some of the social workers / mental health workers and I am fairly sure she was telling them all what a 'fantasist' I was, behind my back.

All that 'wonderful mothers' shite gets on my wick too. Mothers Day tbh is fusking painful. At least now I get card and flowers from dd!

Go Mummiehunnie, sounds like your on a roll!

I think that your mother may have bitten off more than she can chew!

Nemo, blooming heck!

She looked sickened, when I told her my conditions that she had to work on herself three sessions out of the four, and I would pay for the session I would come to each month and it would probably take six months, six sessions with me, and I would be checking with therapist that mother was going in between, otherwise she can forget it! What I actually think is that it will take more than six months, the thing is to get this woman into therapy for the sake of her granddaughters and daughter as much as herself, I really am hoping that she can see the light and if she can then the others will follow, I don't pin all hope on it, I am strong enough now I hope and think to be able to stand alone, having spent so much time learning to be alone and not depend on others as much as I used to, I do wonder if I will loose that needy urge, it is always there inside of me, and I have to fight it!

Sorry to keep posting, just wanted to add, that I was discussing the girl who sent me the message on fb the other week with former bf, and I said I think that she was doing stuff in the background to people, that she was dangerous, and former bf told me that the girl told her when the girl had got in touch and tried to be friends with her again that the girl had been diagnosed as being a sociopath, ontop of personality disorder diagnosis and bipolar diagnosis! I barley knew her and not for long and she is hunging me down to this day, yikes I told former bf that the girl will never leave her alone as they were much closer! Bloody hell the people I fell into after my marriage broke up!

I usually fall onto people after a relationship break-up...

Scary Nemo!

I agree scary.

When i left home i went thro an acting out stage and i nealy joined a witches coven but i ended up sleeping with one of the men in it and that was scary enough for me!

I still think i'm destructive but trying noe to be at the momment

Thank you for the welcome. I am trying to get onto the laptop to post properly instead of using my phone. It's quite awkward posting from my phone.

Hi everyone. Wanted to let you all know that I am reading. I'm afraid I don't have anything helpful to say but I am here if that helps in some way x

It does, Bookcase :) I wonder if you've realised how helpful it is to read others' thoughts & experiences? Even if you feel as though you're just 'moaning' it really does help. Every poster has a slightly different take on things, and sometimes a simple choice of words can prompt a bunch of stuff to fall into place for me. I hope you're feeling good enough today. x

Hi Grace. Another grotty day for me. I've been thinking about what makes me sabotage myself. I don't eat or drink properly. I don't bother with any of the techniques I've been taught to help myself - breathing exercises etc. I just seem to plough through like a robot, hoping that things will change on their own. I'm my own worst enemy.

Hello all

I'm a MN regular who has name-changed for this. I read this thread from time to time. I'd like to join in properly now and wondered if you'd mind helping me work out a current issue?

I'll be back later when the dc are in bed and I have the time to write.

I struggle more with that in the winter, Bookcase. I'm reading a lot of Paul Gilbert and Pete Walker, to remind myself that compassion includes gentle self-care and self-forgiveness. There are currently 5 printouts pinned to my walls, and there'sll be more soon! I put up some Christmas lights today; it cheered me up.
My inner child loves fairy lights

I emailed my friend and told her about the phone phobia. She hasn't written back. I will call her ... when I'm ready! Looks like another one of the few remaining relationships down the pan, though. I get how hard it is for other people to take this stuff on board but I find it hard to keep fighting against the idea that it is me who's wrong: I was so well-loved and popular before; now I'm on my own. OK, I know all about friends who love you when you're up and abandon you when you're down. But I'm very sad about it, and I'm doubting myself.

But it would be the same if I'd developed a physical illness, wouldn't it? People who can't handle a scared friend wouldn't be able to handle one with MS or something, would they??
Just shows what a cock-up I made of my 'try-hard' life :(

honolulu - sorry to greet you with such a melancholy post! Look forward to reading you later :)

Hi All- Have a stinking cold and chest infection and am feeling pretty grotty too.
bookcase You have just described me to a T.
I know caffeine makes my anxiety worse, but I still drink it by the gallon. I am also going through a stage of not eating then bingeing at night.

littletree will have a look at the thread later. Sorry you feel triggered by it.

I think I'm feeling a little low because I text my dad and so wish I hadnt. I asked him to confirm middle dbs address for cards etc.

He ignored me.

I just still feel so fecking angry at the game playing. I am only really seeing this for what it is for the first time.
I know (or at least I think I know why). It is because I wouldnt play the good little girl and go along with his plans to bring his new woman up to meet us. Or more likely that I just see how dispenbsible I am too him.
Im remembering all the times my father hung up on me, slamming the phone down if he couldn't be bothered or I was saying something he didnt want to hear. You know...terrible stuff...like, 'erm dad could you pick me up from the train station.'

He is probably also realising the same manipulations aren't working. He has been mentioning giving me some money for a while now.
I think he is shocked that I never ask him about it and when he asked what I would do with it I told him I will put it in trust for the dc's (it's not a huge amount by the way..my dad isnt particularly generous). It is just enough to make it valuable, to entice me and keep me hooked iyswim.
Truth be known it will never materialise now he realises it's not having the desired effect.

I'm having a bad day. I have depression. i was fine this morning i took son swimming did xmas card. I'm 13 days late for AF so i went for a test and my card declined.

My DH and son are playing down stears laughing and i just want to die.

I'm hiding under my duvet and i can't stop shaking. I feel like i have let everyone down and thyat i fucked up again. 2 weeks before xmas and we have no money. I want to kick myself.

I will have to tell DH later when son in bed and i know he will not shout at me but i will turn nasty just to try and get him to as thats how i think i should be treated and then i will say i want to leave and that they are better off without me and then my DH will hide the tablts and knife and will watch me like a hawk untill he thinks i'm over it.

How meny times do i have to go thro shit like this untill i change

Help

Hello NotAnApple.

ftp What an odd present to get your son. The fact that it is miles too old for him just strikes me as your parents having put no thought into it what so ever.

Smithfield My mother's father died 11 years ago (6 days before DD1 was born). This was the start of the 'drinking years'. For years and years we had to endure my mother pissed on the phone for at least 3 hours at a time repeating herself over and over again. Never could get a word in edgeways though. She would always go on about Grandad and how she was there for everybody when he died (meaning her 2 brothers and 1 sister) but nobody was ever there for her blah blah blah. She doesn't get on all that well with her brothers (especially since the drinking started) as they both, like all of us did, got fed up with the drunken calls and tried to basically say to her that after years and years of the drinking, ranting on the phone , enough was enough. Can you imagine what her reaction was to that???!!
Anyway my uncles have both emigrated to Australia now so needless to say, my mother hates Australia, Australians and pretty much all things Australian!
Interestingly enough my mothers sister has big issues too. She is a hypercondriac (sp?) and a compulsive liar. I kind of get the impression that my Grandfather was quite a controlling man, I can remember he was very opinionated and you didn't dare disagree with him.

I think there is definitely some bearing on dc's gender. I find it really easy to be loving with my ds but really struggle with dd1 and sometimes have to force myself to be sympathetic with her when she is upset. My mother was never sympathetic to me I think this is where I have learnt this trait.

I can relate to the friends thing Grace. All of my old friends were fair-weather ones and the new ones I've met since having DD know nothing about me. It's hard when all you want are people who accept you for who you are, happy or sad. I think some people won't deal with the tough things in life and would rather maintain a rosy outlook at any cost.

Hi honolulu and welcome. Hope I can help in some way.

Hi findingthepath

Sorry to hear that you are having a shite day.
What treatment are you having for your depression?

I promise that you are not the only family flat broke just before Xmas!

I know that you would change if you could - but it's not under your control. If it was, then nobody would ever get depressed.

Do you think that your depression is caused by trauma or is it more 'natural' depression, eg. something you have always had / chemical imbalance in the brain?

Sorry if that's too many questions, don't feel pressured to answer if you don't want to! Just wanted you to know that someone is here and listening and thinking of you.
Have a quick...

grace x posted. I thought you said compassion . Sounds like you are being hard on yourself there. I have the opposite problem with my family they like me to be down, not up. I get/got my attention for fecking things up and not being able to cope. They like me weak and on my knees.
That is why I self sabotage so much I think. I have an ingrained belief people wont like me if I have any power. They like me needy because then they feel powerful.
Are you better placed now grace to make new friends maybe? Now it might be more real? The real grace and not some construct that was you trying to survive (no shame in that eitherm as I think generally that is what most of us do, stately's or otherwise).
This is the tricky part for me though because deep down I think I am petrified of real intimacy. Hmmm will have to ponder that one some more. Fear I am tangent-ing and making no sense...

Sorry, x-posted with everyone.
Trs, i must read your past posts as I don't know how best to comment. Sending you hugs and warmth.

ftp, why do you feel you have fucked up? You are worth the love your DH shows you x

It was PND but i relised i was alway a little depression and that i had server depression when a teenager. I'm breastfeeding so i'm on sertline (sp?) 150 mg i can go up to 200mg as the top limit but i thou it was working.

I just having a down day but i dont feel like i can cope with the problems life is throwing at me. I feel like it is all my fault and that i have let my husband and son down and all the bad things my mum and dad said to me will come true.

I'm scared if i'm pg as i didn't cope very well with my son but i know it is an illness and not me.

Also i'm dyslexic and i'm stressed so it makes my spelling worse so sorry if you cant read this!