"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Sorry for the very long essay

When i talk about it i think it sound like i have the problem and they are all normal. That its me that is wrong. I must have done something or be a bad person for my family to not like me and treat me like this

Findingthepath,

I just want you to know that I am reading, I am not in an emotional state enough to help you through this right now, please keep posting and someone else should come along in a better place to help you, in the mean time hugs x

MummieHunnie - thanks for reading

No one needs to help me only i can sort it out and i will one day. I just wanted to write it down read it back and make sence of it myself.

Its hard giving emotional support when you only have energy to deal with our own stuff and not other peoples. i feel like a spones sometime and i pic up negative feeling and other people problems and cant let them go just to forget my own.

Hang on, ftp, you think "it sounds like I have the problem and they are all normal" ??

Okaaay ... let's have a look ...

You send a Christmas card featuring a Christmassy picture of your baby.
Your family tells you it's wrong to do that. They say it's wrong because they don't do it

You text pictures of your DS to your family.
They say they don't want pictures. Harsh, but fair enough.
But they say they never send pictures of their DCs, when in fact they do.

Your sister screams at you until she's red in the face - because you refused a chocolate.

If they're normal, I'm a chocolate reindeer.

MH, I'm sorry you're off form today. Me, too. Dunno if it's the weather or the season to be jolly - probably both, tbh!

I need someone to tell me that 'normal' brothers & sisters, and good friends, would make an extra effort to stay in touch with their sister when she's isolated, broke and confused - instead of steering a wide berth.
Actually, I don't. I've just told myself!

So that makes at least two of us, ftp - we know how to show love/concern/care, and it's not what our families show us.

oh Grace sorry you are crying x I am just getting better at recognising when someone else's stuff hurts me, and when it helps me, so I avoid when it hurts me now!

DD2 attacked me again physically earlier, the attacks are getting shorter with less intesity, but more often, most days, the further I get through therapy!

Oh, bother, mh. Hope she didn't hurt you?

How is she after a meltdown? I've been hoping she become more aware of what's going on with her feelings ...?

ftp These feelings are normal, most of us have had them. A good rule of thum is to ask if you would treat your own ds this way.
Its taken three years and I still have moments when I wonder still is it all ME. Its been three years of nc to get to this point.

grace I went through this last year wrt my middle db. It is very very painful .
If you reach the other side of this particular conundrum you will feel better for it. I actually dont feel as lonely as when I was masquerading the relationship we had as a real one...if that makes sense.
Be extra kind to yourself grace, mulled one, soothing music, x factor final?

mh Hope you feel better soon. Being attacke by dd must be very emotionally hurtful. I feel triggered even when the children hurt me accidently. Reminds me of past abuse .

Apologies re typos

trs, that is part of the problem, my father and her father in different ways hurt and controlled me and I am not wanting it anymore, I was in that role, people put me in that role and she thought that was what you do with me, and I dont want it and am struggling out of it, and she is struggling out of it!

mulled wine sounds lovely x

Thank you, trs :) yes, the x-factor is on my agenda, along with a very large plate of chips!! I'm heartened to hear there is an 'other side' to come out of, and you're there - means a lot right now. x

I totally see what you mean, mh (I hope). It's all about breaking the old patterns, isn't it? Hug for you & for her.

finding I totally agree with smithfield we have all been through those sorts of feelings. I quite often wonder to myself is it just me that is bonkers and maybe my family are the normal ones.
I too tell my DC's that I love them everyday and over hug them!! I too was never hugged as a child or told that I was loved. When my younger brother was born (when I was 11) he had all the love and affection in the world, in fact it is still the case today.

It is important isn't it finding that you don't make the same mistakes as a mother that your parents made? It is very important to me. At least we have learnt, how our parents were brought up I hate to think but they certainly didn't learn any lessons.

I had a surprisingly good evening yesterday. Some friends invited us to their house for a takeaway, I ummed and ahhed for ages as to whether or not to go because I was feeling so anti-social but in the end we went. I had a skinful of wine!! and lots of lovely food, watched X Factor, came home and slept like a baby

Mampam you have hit the nail on the head. It is important to me to be the mother i want to my son. I will make mistakes and i will get it wrong sometimes but i will be better than my mum.

My Brother is the Golden child in our family and he can do no wrong. My mum took my baby son to show him in the car and he just blanked him. My mum justified this by saying "He was in a hurry to get off back home and he was in a mood from work"

Even my eldest sister hates the fact he can do no wrong and our mum and dad always give him more time.

I can see how it passes down the line, my Brother never huged his ex girlfriends kids even tho they lived together and they called him Dad. Now his new wife is pg i feel sorry for her and the baby. Brother has said he not going in the delivery room and he not changing nappies and its all his wife job to deal with the baby! (All second hand from my mum as she still thinks i care what he does and that me not talking to him for over 10 years is a phase ) My mum justifies this by saying "he is old fashtioned like his Dad".

I have read the above posts but i have no advice except to talk and keep talking. I have no idea how to deal with my own stuff so i will not pretend to be of any help to others but i do care.

My family ruined my childhood and my teenage years they will not ruin any more of my life. Yeasterday me and DH took our son to see santa and then to see raindeers and then had a nice homecooked meal and watched ducktails in bed together and it was good. But i still called my mum to see if she had changed yet still no. Maybe today [grim]

Hello everyone, I think I belong on this thread. I'm not sure where to start, I feel as though I could fill it and I don't want to barge in here and make it all about me.

I am 32, married and have a 2 year old dd. It's since dd was born that I have seen my relationship with my mother through different eyes. I've always acknowledged the terrible relationship I had with my adopted father (who brought me up) but thought mum was perfect.

I've been reading the thread today and it's floored me really. So many of your experiences resonate with me and yet I can't get my head around my experiences as being abusive.

Not sure what to post now. Hope you're all enjoying your weekend (I like the sound of yours mampam & your Santa visit FindingThePath).

Hi finding x

Hi NAA x You say you are not sue what to post now, do you want to start with how you got from thinking your Mum was perfect to where you are now? I hope you are having a good weekend too x

I am going to put the tree up soon!

Hi MH

Have fun putting your tree up.

Ours has been up since end of Nov when Air (DS) wanted to take the shopping centre xmas tree home with us. I had to explaine that it was not for sale and that it was 8ft and would not fit in our house

He only 22 months and he is so funny and cute. He was in a mood yeasterday so we have his mardy face and santa pic in a snowgolbe to emmbrrasse him when he is older

I feel bad sometimes for keeping him away from my family as much as poss, we are not seeing them over xmas. I have to remind my self what they are like and how they would treat him. I think he is better off not knowing them and i love the person he is and get scared of my family ruining him or his innocene (sp?).

Sorry i start counciling again on 23rd so it has raised a lot of things up to the surface again i'm sorry for the long posts

Also today a xmas gife arrived from Argos ( the delivery guy lives on my street so did it early ) its a gift from my mum and dad to my son.

Its a Vetch hand held game thing. Sutable for children 5 years to 9 years old. It is new from Argos and looks good. Only problem is my son is only 22 months old

My DH wanted me to call them and to remind them he is not 2 yet. I did and asked why the got him that? My Dad said that my son is the nearest thing they have to a genius in our family and he wanted to encouage him i had no answer to that.

I think my mum and dad are bonkers. Its just sureal sometimes!

Oh dear, re the comment your Dad made!

keep going... you are being heard!

I have still not put the tree up yet!

ftp Dont feel bad about keeping your ds from your family. The damage my mother did whilst I still had contact was insidious.
It was as though I didn't see it completely until she was gone.
It has affected my relationship with my ds and with my dh and even with my own home. And of course, and with greatest difficulty my relationship with myself.
As she has touched each of these things in the past with her vile put downs, comparisons and manipulative comments, she has also tarnished my view of them.
I still wonder if part of the reason my relationship with dd is easier because my mother has never had contact with her (apart from once for ten minutes in a crowded room).

grace I do hope my words brought some comfort because that is what you need and deserve.
I did find it really hard detaching from middle db (already had from sis and younger db). It has felt as though by now (has taken most of this year) I have finally let them all go.
The most recent emotional letting go has been my dad of course and I think there was (probably still is) a big link between middle db and dad because of the game playing dad does between us.
Coming to terms with it can only make us stronger though grace, and smarter and most importantly make room in our lives for a better quality of kinship?
I am not sure I have even now become discerning enough to this end, but it has made me more willing to not put up with things.

notanapple Hello dont worry about butting in. You must think of it as sharing because I do honestly learn (as Im sure all readers on here do) so much from ALL posts.

mampam Glad you had a good evening. Good for you, you bloody well deserve it .
My brother was also the golden one and I have been wondering lately about gender of dcs and what bearing that has. What sort of reletionship did/does your mother have with her father, or brothers or both?
I know when you dig into this stuff it still doesnt excuse their bahaviour. Yet sometimes it helps you (slowly and gradually) realise it was less about us- As in there was nothing wrong with us it was all about them and their warped view of the world.

Welcome, notanapple, it sounds as though you will be right at home here. I recently went through what you did--the journey from "it's my fault for not being able to cope, it wasn't that bad really" to realising it really was abuse.
I have had two sessions of OEI (observed experiential integration) and my extreme reaction in the last one horrified the therapist and has made me wonder if I can be "fixed" at all.
ftp, I'm feeling like you, too deep in my own stuff to feel my advice could be of any use to anyone else.
Some of you will know I have been dealing with toxic mum recently and will have to talk to my (pretty grown up) DSs about the whole thing--including why I find it so hard to deal with their eccentric absent-minded old granny. They obviously know I am snappish and tense around her, but not why. So I am wondering how much I should I tell them. And how? I don't want them to think I'm the bad guy for being mean to their granny or telling them she's really a wicked witch.

Just found this thread....will be lurking and getting to know people better, if thats ok?
I am 36, 3 kids (7,4,15 months) and have a really difficult relationship with my mother. I know I need more counselling, but too angry with her do it,( I feel all bitter about my family shouldering the cost of good long term counselling, when THEY did the damage)....bitter & twisted I know, but how I feel.

will look at others posts in a bit, I just wanted to record OMG Mother wants to go to therapy, has had one assessment and wants me to go to therapy with her! The new synic in me thinks it is to do with db and the shame of the family secret coming out, apparenlty db wants to see me! I said forget it no interest now too late!

Hello to all the new people here.

Grace, I hope you are feeling better.

MH I had similar with dd over the summer. I just held her and spoke in a low soothing voice. I got her to batter a cusion or a teddy bear to get the anger out. I told her that it is ok to get the anger out, but we must be careful not to hurt other people, because then they get angry and it spreads round the world.

My "mother" wanted family therapy, so she could tell someone new how evil I was....I told her to get her own, nothing to do with me.

Reading this, I recognise so much that is achingly familiar. I will never allow those evil people to come near me or my family ever again.

From Pete Walker: "You do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you, you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behaviour"

Yes beware of some people using therapy / counselling as a way to tell their side of the story and try to get the counsellor to agree with them / say, 'see I told you so, my son / daughter was / is such a bad child.'

But here's hoping that they want to make genuine progress!

My "mother" was so incensed at the therapists declaring perfectly sane, she was on the phone complaining to mental health services....it's kind of funny now, Bloody wasn't then!

The therapists saw straight through everything almost immediately. Boringly textbook, me. Just you common or garden family scapegoat with some wobbly boundaries. :)

Although a facebook thing asking to repost a status about loving and appreciating your mum, had me in tears most of the morning.