"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

anyone around?

littletreesmum, have you been following the thing with the former friend, I was wondering if I could bounce some things off someone?

Sorry for not replying, MH - I am reading :)

I was looking back at some old messages when the friendship ended with old best friend who I am meeting in a few days, and from what I can gather, she was overstepping boundaries, and the blow up seems to have happened as I asked her nicely to stop and she went mad at me, and had a go at me, she then used the chance to get cross at me about the fact I was very insecure, anxious, depressed etc at the time, and I am so embarrised as I was there like some low person telling her I would not do it again, that she had a point etc, and she was lording it over me, that she was going to give me a wide berth etc... She really took advantage of me, did not support me etc... I am wondering if I am making a mistake in asking to meet her! I took a long time to deal with this, to look at those messages etc. Do you think I should still meet her and see who she really is with the new eyes?

She did not say she was cross at me being anxious etc, she was having a go at me for making her feel guilty all the time?

Thanks for your response, I don't feel guilt towards her at all, I suppose I was not sure why I was doing it in the first place!

It might be interesting to meet her. Your new eyes seem to be getting clearer by the day! How about providing yourself with an instant exit - can you get your phone to ring itself, or set the alarm to go off a quarter of an hour after you meet?

Meet her with your Little Professor on board - and listen to your gut! If you start feeling small or vulnerable or uncomfortable, make your exit and chew it over later :)

Thanks for your repsonse, that is the draw Grace, to see who she really is, and I suppose to have a window to look at who I was too!

I think what would be good is to have something ready as you suggest, a line prepared to exit if I want to leave! will think on it more, thanks, it may seem small and it is there is something in me that thinks there is something else going on here for me that I can't see right now with this situation!

Today I am devestated.

Yesterday I found out that my mother ceased all contact with my real father to make way for her 'new' relationship with my step dad. I was 7 years old at the time so would have been totally reliant on my mother to help me write to my RD and send letters off to a foreign country.

The thing is, this is what I have suspected had happened all along and I'm certainly not surprised by her selfishness.

I just think it is some kind of sick joke that she wouldn't let me and my real father keep contact but she has let me call another man 'dad' for the last 22 years. The same man whose relationship with my mother is the reason I have grown up without a father, without knowing who I am and where I come from. The reason why I have always felt empty and abandoned.

Sorry for the purely selfish post. I had to get it out.

You always suspected? Blimey. Intsinct is truly amazing isn't it.

Is your real father still alive? How did you find out?

Oh mampam It is so hard isnt it...the sheer magnitude of the devastation the selfishness of these women cause .
And for it to become a joke to her!
It must be very painful, such neglect of your needs and feelings. (((((mampam))).
You need to treat yourself with extra loving care right now. Loving treats.

And sorry bookcase I meant to let you know I used your idea but in my therapy session, not on here. So thanks

attilla Hope your son continues to be bully free at school. Glad they sorted straight away for you.

TRS-I'm glad your meeting went well.

I had the experience of the educator triggering on me (!) and I had a flash of clarity that at least I was further down the road of clarity/self-awareness than she was. I thought it best to end the meeting and said I'd go over her head with it and she happily agreed! Sometimes, it is the administrators that have been through the training for these circumstances and the regular school staff have not.

It is hard to stay focused on "That was then, this is now" as well...and it is about our child, not us, even though we take it so intensly personal because we've been through that crap mill too many times and it rakes our heart to see our dc go through it. Standing up for our dc though, is in the same box as "we will treat our dc better than we were treated-ie: with respect".

Great congratulations to you for having the courage to advocate for him.

Thankfully my ds is graduating this year and he is so not going to look back. Sad, I know, but I am proud of him in his resolve that he was surrounded by crap people for so many years and he knows he doesn't need a connection with any of them.

Attila-nice quote. My ds is quite talented musically and caught alot of grief for it...even from the instructor (who is a bully himself)!

Mampam-that is awful. It really hurts that innocent children just don't have a chance at all. Hateful world. I am sorry you had that happen to you.

TIHIF-great lyrics. Very insightful, succinct and to the point. Well done.

MH-I think Grace's advice/strategy is good. I hope you can have the experience and in the spirit of achieving at least neutrality (emotionally), can come away with:

I saw my mom. So what?

I know that on the surface that sounds dismissive. But for me, in dealing with my toxic sister, it helps build a boundary (that is a defensive negative) or rather a framework (proactive positive) for brain processing.

So what: she is not going to have a negative effect on me.
Hopefully, there will be some positive effects going on...keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Good luck.

Grace-thanks for the catepillar/butterfly development analogy a while back. It is very helpful to have a visual to attach to feelings.

tmsbears, thanks

I hope that you continue to build up the good boundaries x

Mampam, so sorry to hear your news, hugs x

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad mampam. I had to call another man dad too, under different circumstances. I never had the chance to grow up with someone who might have taken better care of me. I really feel for you. Be kind to yourself x

Feeling horribly scared and sad tonight and I don't know why. It's like I have a gaping hole in my chest :(:(

bookcase Perhaps write down what you did today. There might be something significant in there that triggred you but you cant see it yet. I know, it is so all consuming when it hits isnt it.

mampam, I'm sorry for your loss. Forgive me if I should already know this - Did your mother pretend that your birth father wanted no contact with you as a child?

I've just remembered a thread from a while back, where the OP had discovered her birth father had been sending sizeable maintenance payments - which the mother had been spending on herself, telling her DCs the father had denied all responsibility.
Stupendous, what some people do

Bookcase, when I read your last post (19:47), I wondered whether your sadness was triggered by mampam's?

I'm having a bit of trouble with myself (!) at the moment so shan't write all the replies I'm thinking of ... going to indulge in a mammoth sleep; I often find I've worked a few things out by the time I wake. Mind you, today I dreamt about trying to weave pink threads into a pattern - suspect that was a Mumsnet allegory!!

Gerr why is christmas alway so bad when it bring out bad memories for people?

i have read this thread and i have identified with a lot on here.

I had counciling
I told my family how i feel about what happened
I'm on AD
and i was doing fine ok i'm still in denily (sp?) but talked to a friend to day and stared talking about xmas in childhood and it raised a lot of memories and i ended up crying to husband tonight.

i only talk to my mum out of my family on a daily baise. I phone her everyday to see if she has changed and become the mum that i need her to be and each day nothing has changed.

And today i really wish i had a good happy family [mum, dad, brother, 2 sisters] i just dont

My mum and Brother beat me and my Dad watched or told my Brother to beat me untill ss got involved. My mum has depression that she did not get help for and negleted me.

I push my husband and son away and i dont accept that he loves me but he must. I live 90 miles away and they still mess with my head.

finding - This time of year is always hardest. It's supposed to be about family and yet it's like being an orphan, except we aren't, and...well it's all so confusing and consuming isn't it.
You will get a lot of support here finding it sure sounds like you need some.
How long ago did you confront them? I think letting go of the hope they will change has been one of the hardest things for me as well. I hope your not giving yourself a hard time. It takes a long, long time to get over this stuff...and we never will completely of course.

Thank you all for your kind words. It was just what I needed.

Grace My mother had never told me anything about my RF, (the very small amount that I did know came from other people). That is why it was such a shock when she came to my house and told me that she had found him on FB and had been in contact with him. She has told him about my children too and god knows what else.

I just don't understand. Why would she want to contact him? Why has she such blatant disregard for my feelings? By telling him things about my life she has taken that away from me, like some kind of glory hunter. She had to get in there first and take the glory.

I have likened her/myself to a cartoon character. You know in the old ones where the character would have his conscience, the devil sat on one shoulder............She is like the devil sat on my shoulder, chipping away at me, making me doubt myself and stopping me making my own choices. She is a thorn in my side constantly digging in when I don't do something her way. I really need to break away from her somehow.

finding believe me you are not alone in wanting your mother to become the one that you deserve to have, the one that she has never been. I constantly kick myself because I keep going back for more yet she never changes and never will.

I think that is the hardest thing, coming to terms with and accepting that these types of people will never change. We will never get the mothers we deserve. My counsellor is helping me to come to terms with this and to break the habit of a lifetime where my mother kicks me down and I get back up and go for another kicking in the hope it will be different this time.
Perhaps your counsellor could help you too. To break the habit of phoning your mum everyday.
You are so brave for confronting your family. I'm such a wimp I wouldn't have the balls to do it to my mother.

Thanks for the replies.

I told my mum she was a bad mum about 9 years ago when i was leaving home for uni. I told my eldest sister that i was disappointed in her for not saving me and letting this happen to me when i called her up on the phone and told her what was happening and asked to go live with her. She told me that she could not interfer with the way someone else choose to pearent their child. I asked her if one of her son's friend was being beanten then would she report them and she said of course she would then i said but you didn't for me and i hanged up on her. This was at the begining of this year.

i try to forget all about it and act normal, i respect myself i think i have worth and i'm a good person but since i had Son i see little things i do that they did and i hate myself.

I'm so determined to give my son the best in life and to love and care for him. My mum has never huged me ever. I make up for this by hugging and kissing my son lots everyday and telling him that i love him and that mummy and daddy will always be here for him. I think i go ott but i dont care i need to do this.

i still get critisided (sp?) by my family for how i raise my son. Last year i sent them photo xmas care with son dressed as an elf and i got told off by sisters cos they didn't do that with their son's! I would send then txt pic of him growing up and they told me they did not want them as they didn't send me pic's of their children (they did by the way). I had phone calls from my sister telling me i was mad and had PND and i was told to go on a diet by my other sister and then when i refused a choc as i was on a diet she told me not to lie to her and she had a stand up red in the face screaming macth with me in forn of my then 12 month old baby.

I haven't talk to my brother in over 10 years and now i'm no longer in contact with my middle sister. So out of my siblings 2 down one to go.

They feel able to comment on me and my life even tho they live 90 miles away and never phone me. How can that be possible.

They are just irrational

I hope everyone else had a better day. Hugs to everyone