"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi all, sorry for not being able to offer any advice or even just thoughts on anyone else's situation but I am just stunned.
Just when I thought I'd found the way to deal with toxic mum, it was okay to be firm, say what I would and wouldn't put up with...
After a silence I got an e-mail today saying she was sorry I don't want her to come for Christmas, and she can't cancel the ticket so will come next year for her birthday!
She has chosen to ignore everything DB and I said about the risks. The real issue is that I don't want her to come and apparently that can't be tolerated.
Also she said she's coming for a "special" birthday that in fact isn't till the year after.
I don't know whether the whole thing is evidence that she is suffering from dementia, or whether the gloves are off and it's war now, because I dared to stand up to her. Maybe she's decided I'm the mad one to deprive her of her rights. I said I didn't want her to come--so she's coming anyway. What on earth do I do?

Thank you Sisu, but is she really a narc? She has always beenor at least seemedvery timid. I spent years trying to forgive her abuse by thinking she suffered from social anxiety, so not her fault the house was so lonely, I grew up not knowing how to make friends etc.
When I was a teenager dying for some attention and affection she spent years regularly visiting an old aunt and uncle who had brought her up and who were in hospital--so doesn't that mean she wasn't completely self-absorbed?
Since I left "home" she has got her way by being passive-aggressive rather than giving orders, would usually get her way by just doing something and announcing it, then dodging any discussion.
As a grandmother she has been feeble and irresponsible rather than controlling. When she was more mobile she used to send packages of goodies, and buy us more Christmas presents than she could really afford. She gave me one of her credit cards (though I didn't use it & must say I slightly resented being seen as a charity case.) I imagined she was trying to make up for how she'd behaved in the past.
If she were a narc would she only be like that with me? When I got that e-mail saying "I am coming and I don't care how you feel about it," it felt as if it was aimed at me personallynot DB as welland as if the mask had slipped and the real, old her had come out again.
Sorry for rambling, am trying to understand if I've actually completely misunderstood her for decades and been too generous while beating myself upand being subtly criticisedfor being mean to her!

Wise post, imo, Sisu.

Quiddity, I don't want to go over old ground too much but labelling my sweet, victimised, naive (Narc) mother sure as hell explained things for me! She told me she had me to live with her because she wanted to make up for neglecting me in childhood (she tricked me into living with her and gave me the worst room). Her gifts are insulting unless she wants something, when they suddenly become nice. And so on. What I've done, basically, is to enforce my boundaries in exchange for a tolerable narc supply. It took a few years.

Good luck from me, too! You have to be very stern to begin the changes - you've made a fantastic start, you can maintain it! x

Hi quiddity. I hope you are able to stand your ground with your mum. Try to remind yourself that you are not the scared teenager you once were. You are in the position now where you can stand up for the part of you that is still scared and feels powerless.

Sending you strength xx

Feel like Im bursting in again to say Help! Which I am really. Just need some self confident vibes sent my way. This is a bit of a WWYD/AIBU, I guess.
To explain- Ds got sent home y'day from school. He had been been punched in the mouth by another boy. This boy he calls his friend. Ok worrying enough.
Ive sat on this situation as a whole since reception. It began then when ds stuck up for his a friend who was being chased/bullied by this boys older db. As a result ds began to be chased at lunchtime too. I did let ds's reception teacher know about this and it did seem to stop shortly after.
I know other parents who have had issues with this boy all through reception. Even now in the playground this boys name comes up all the time in relation to hurting/tormenting another child.
I cant put my finger on the behaviour this child displays but I can only explain it as he is like a leech around ds. Always grabbing at ds, pulling, teasing.
Ds will come home and say I cant do xyz or wear xyz because ...will laugh at me.
He oten comes home upset saying this boy has been mean, called him stupid. I had to seperate them once in the playground as this boy grabbed at ds' coat and was pulling at him with ds asking/telling him to stop.
Apparently the incident occurred y'day because whilst racing ds was about to outrun this boy (he is very competetive).
Alarm bells have always rung wrt this boys behaviour but I have held back because I dont like applying labels to young kids and I wanted to step back and give ds a chance to handle it himself. Also didn't want to take over and control his friendships.
However I was quite shocked at ds' parents evening as the teacher (same one who labelled ds as below average ) gave ds 'learning difference between right and wrong' as his personal goal . When we questioned her on this she said that ds was to understand that just because this boy (mentioning boy in questions name)did something to ds didnt make it right for ds to do something back.
Thing is dd has done a lot of things (being a lot younger) to ds. Ds has never once retaliated. I only know ds as lovely, kind empathic boy. He has not got a mean bone in his body. I watch him interact with other boys in his class at parties, when we meet up outside...there is boistrousness..it is not the same as the dynamic I see with this boy though.
I feel bloody angry actually that this teacher now seems to be making my ds part of the other childs behavioural problems. More alarm bells.
I spoke to her on the phone today where again she tried to minimise (at least I feel she has) what happened. She put it down to boisterousness. Again.
When I insisted that I was still wanting to come in and talk this through she then went on to say in so many words that they were 'both' as bad and that she had caught ds push the other boy.
If someone is constantly goading you ALL the time there comes a point where you snap, or even mimic the behaviour surely. anyway we have said to ds it is ok to stand up for himself so he was probably just following our advice.
Ds also says this boy lies and says ds has done something first to get ds into trouble.
I have to be strong for ds I know but I just hate having to face up to confrontation. I feel so easily floored by others arguments and articulation of their own veiwpoint.
Is this because I feel physically threatened by confrontation? Am I catastrophising?
I just feel I need to be strong for ds now as he is being scapegoated for this other childs behaviour? Or am I being unreasonable

I feel like history is repeating itself all over with this teacher and ds. Spent so much time at school being misunderstood. Situations around me being mis-read, being labelled and bullied.
Perhaps that is where all the anxiety is stemming from now. Am I tapping back into all that powerlessness I felt then.
I cant afford to feel like that though as I have to be in adult mode for ds.
I just wish I was more self confident.

Deep breaths, smithfield

OK, the teacher is a wimp. Perhaps she was also bullied as a child, or was severely punished for retaliation. Anyway, what happens when you ask her how she proposes to deal with the other child's bullying?

You are absolutely right to encourage DS to stand up for himself, btw, and he deserves great praise for attempting to protect other kids :)

When I was about 11 there was a monstrous bully at my school, who had a platoon of scary girls always at her side. The school having bottled out of dealing with her, my parents advised me to recruit an army and scare shit out of the bad girls. I did! We all met up early one morning, then headed her off en masse with hockey sticks & many terrifying threats of violence. That kind of response is obviously not advisable but it's an option!

It must be best to challenge the teacher to handle the situation appropriately, then escalate it if she doesn't. Good luck.

I can completely understand your concern about projecting your issues onto the situation. I'm certain I will find it difficult to stop myself going in with all guns blazing if DD ever has trouble at school in the future.

Given that it has come to physical violence, I would be inclined to talk to the headteacher. Perhaps suggest a meeting with his parents?
I think a balance needs to be struck between giving your ds the confidence to deal with the other boy in his own way and letting him see that you will step in and fight his corner, so to speak.

grace thank you- I hate my mother all over again at times like this because having gaslighted me to within an inch of my life I continue to second guess my gut instincts.
This is also my gut feeling that this boy is a bully, and, I guess this is what happens at most schools. It gets brushed under the carpet. I have seen this boy and his sibling (only a year between them) interact and I think the boy is being bullied himself by his older brother .
It was also my gut feeling that this teacher would rather not have to deal with it all.
I guess it is edna again then? Telling me to 'stop causing trouble' and 'get a grip'?
How I hate that hag
Deep breaths. Turning edna's volume down.

Sorry trs if I got the wrong end of the stick. Just wanted to be able to return all the help you've given me.

Sorry bookcase crossposted- I think it is a huge balancing act, yes you are right.
DS overall is happy (He seems to be), but I am angry the teacher wants to make ds part of the problem. Of course ds being hit in the face is also a huge source of anger/angst. I was slapped in the face a lot by mum and I experienced it as incredibly humiliating and demeaning.
I have made appointment for tommorow with teacher and Head of early years (?) She was ds's teacher last year and was excellent.
I guess it is that nagging feeling that my needs arent important enough to be voiced or heard, especially in the face of authority.

No I didnt think that I do worry i am over-reacting but I am trying to stay in adult mode. I find that hard when angry.
I hope i can go in there tommorrow and be articulate, and strong.
I always end up raging then blubbing .

Hi Smithfield,
I'm in the States and so don't know much about the school operations in the uk.

But here, the policy is to take this issue to the administration, usually a vice principal in charge of discipline. Then they should handle it. The teachers here are so busy meeting the state mandates that they are not going to give the time of day to any other concern.

Good luck. Are you having left-over anxiety from your experiences? I know I will be when my littlest one starts school- as my oldest graduate - for what they (the older ones) went through. Counseling myself already: live in the present, concentrate on the facts, be aware of my (distorted?) filter of experience.

Life sucks... sometimes.

I do exactly the same trs. Would it help to write down what you want to say? You always come across as articulate in your posts.

quiddity Would your mother listen if you said a firm NO to her? I know it's hard, I so often wish I could say no to things. If she speaks of it again can you reiterate to her that no she is not coming to stay with you?? I apologise if I'm way off mark here, I haven't read your whole past history.

Well it's official, me and my mother have officially fallen out. Yesterday she didn't text me as she normally does on a Wednesday morning to see if I was going to Weight Watchers. So she's either hiding with her tail between her legs as she knows she has done wrong (regarding contacting my real father) which I highly doubt as she is never in the wrong or she has spoken to my older brother and he has told her how pissed off at her I am.
I'm ready for her though. I'm ready for the backlash and I'm ready to say all the things that I've wanted to for years, unfortunately I think she will take the cowards way out and send my Step-father in.
This time I am going to say that if she wants a relationship with me, DH and the DC's then I will not tolerate her putting me down, criticizing me, speaking to me in a tone of voice that makes me feel like a piece of dirt on her shoe, trying to control my life, phoning me up drunk in the evenings etc etc.

Smithfield I too have issues with teachers at my DC's school but have never raised them. Too afraid to I guess. I hate causing a scene and if I did I wouldn't sleep for weeks after. Goodluck with your situation, it's your right to stand up for your son.

Stepping Stone.

You were just a stepping stone
No you never felt like home, to me, to me
I can?t be who you seem to see
You never should have tried to own, own me, own me.
Don?t you know you were meant to let me go
I?m not an object for you to own....NO NO NO.

?cos I have to be free
You just get what you see here
And don?t you know you were just a stepping stone
Yeah I have to be me
You only get what you see here
Don?t you know, you know,
You were just a stepping stone

You were just a stepping stone
So don?t you call me on the phone, don?t wanna know
You were supposed to help me fly
Instead you twist you cheat you lie, do you know why?
Don?t you know, I?m not a doll to be controlled
I?m not a shell without a soul, NO NO NO!

I shouldn?t have to hide that can never be right
And now I really think you?re just addicted to the fight
Now I?m a fledgling bird who?s ready to take flight.

Those are the lyrics to a song I am producing just now. I don't know if they will help anyone here, but I really hope so. I find it so cathartic to sing my way through it. I know lots of people here write. Sometimes good creativity can come from the worst of times

Hugs to all.xxx

Remember that children who bully are often from dysfunctional families. I have an ongoing situation with a girl in dd's class. I dread to think what it is like for her at home, but knowing what I know now, it can't be good, if she has to project it onto the children around her. I try to explain to my little girl that the names she calls are the things she thinks about herself. It has empowered dd to a degree, and she is less hurt by the taunts.

Well it took lots of deep breathing, note writing, a therapy session on here as well as with my therapist last night (she was very good ). I still woke at 4am and thought I was going to throw up...authority figures, ESPECIALLY school ones...Terrify me.
Yes TMSB definately leftover feelings and so so so very difficult to bring myself into the here and now when trapped in the worst emotional flashback.
But I have to fight for ds, his right to be happy and to choose his friendships without being coerced, threatened.
So (according to dh) I was very articulate and controlled (phew) Did not blub or rage. Hurrah- not sure edna believes dh though. Not sure I do either. Oh yeah she's still here whispering in my ear . telling me to be quiet and stop showing everyone up

So I am telling myself;

I have every right to stand up for myself and my son
Just because the teacher thinks I am silly, overprtotective (I feel/fear thats how she thinks) - doesnt make her right
If she thinks badly/ dislikes me as a result that is ok

Think that's all but might think of some more in a bit.

They are (after some convincing) going to start monitoring situation
I will go back in next week for an update
I have to report to ds's class teacher also on ds's mood and impact on him at home.

I'm still not convinced they really believe this boys beahviour is a concern, although the head of dept did mention behavioural issues wrt boy by the end of the meeting.
I also corrected her that it was not a case of superhero fighting gone wrong as she thought but that ds outrun this boy and as a result got thumped.
I kept feeling throughout the beginning they were still minimizing and refecting responsibility back to ds...boys will be boys
By the end though I did get assurance by head that they are/will take this very seriously.

I still have a very frightened feeling. It feels very scary to me to ask to be heard.

thisis x posted. Thanks for posting that song,I really got a lot from it. You are such a talented soul
Yes I feel very for this boy. I look at him and I know. It all seems so normal on the outside but we all know too well that is generally how it looks. He is bullied by his older brother I am sure, and it is allowed to happen. We all know how that feels to day in day out be picked on and being powerless.
I think I am going to try and get ds to talk about how certain friendships make him feel. So ask him after good interactions how that feels and start to differentiate between good and bad feelings after being with friends.
Also got to do lots of confidence building with him too.

TRS

Your son is being bullied; you may also want to look at www.bullying.co.uk as well as this is a helpful website for both parents and children.

Hope you get this sorted out; you really are your DS's best advocate here. I have faith in you!

I've been into my son's secondary school re bullying the day after its happened and its been dealt with swiftly (and I received a written apology for the child in question). I've been lucky with this Y7 person, I would not have had such a quick result in Jr school.

It needs to be tackled both swiftly and head on; don't let these ineffectual people like your DS's teacher underplay such verbal or physical violence because that is what bullying is. If they don't get stopped now and are shown that there are consequences for their actions, what are these troubled souls going to be like at Junior school or even secondary?.

I often tell my son that he can tell me anything and that I am also now too old to be shocked by anything that happens at school.

I remind him also, "Those that can do, those that can't bully".

TRS I am glad you are feeling more confident about the situation with your ds x

Stepping stones is lovely x

I didn't get a chance to discuss with therapist this week, stuff about former best friend, I still am not sure what I am expecting from the meeting (even though I aniciated it), she has messaged me again asking for my mobile number and telling me how happy she is I want to meet her! I have been thinking of things to say, that won't give away too much, it is so very hard as I have always been far too open... I want to make sure she is safe as I want to with other people before I give away too much... I have thought about some topics such as the exh that she will want to talk about and I am going to say I don't want to talk about that right now... Redoing boundaries is really hard, I know from Mother!

I am reminded of the Pete Walker website again. Dealing with triggers is something that I have put a lot of time and energy into, and it IS getting easier.

It's easier to recognise a trigger, to go into my inner child and discover exactly where it has come from, and then soothe her, as I would any frightened child. It's just that the frightened child is me.

I am becoming the parent I always wanted for myself, to my children too. Not that I was bad before, but now I am in touch with my inner child, I can connect to my dc's in a much more profound way. Lots of soothing words, hugs and understanding. Validating their pain when they hurt, and loudly cheering their achievements, with dancing and singing.

Thank you TRS for your kind words. I can nearly sing it without crying now. :)

Thank you too MH, :)